LittleWords
New member
Hi, I am new to the site and hoping for some guidance and clarity from those who can relate and empathize.
This is my story:
I first met him 2.5 years ago on a dating app on which he had written "ethical non-monogamy"on his profile. Before him, I chose to not date for 3 years because I was still healing from my previous relationship and my career had just started. So really, my first date with him was really my first time using a dating app. I didn't know what the words really meant but I also wasn't sure I needed to because I had little to no faith in it being serious. We went on 2-3 more dates before I told him it wasn't going to work and there was no point continuing because our lifestyles were different- him, being polyamorous and me, I guess monogamous. I wanted to catch myself before I started to like him.
Needless to say, he reached out to me a month later while we were both in Europe traveling, separately. He asked me to try with him, to give us a chance and explore something new. At the time, I wasn't sure I wanted a conventional relationship. I simply felt like I couldn't offer time, focus and energy into one. Or maybe I was just comfortable being on my own. I told him I didn't wanted to be suffocated and tend to feel the need to break things off if it got to the point where I felt like things were moving too fast and I was cornered. He offered me that space. And we've been seeing each other since.
He moved for work in July 2019. Right now, he is 3300 miles away. We struggle with communication. The one main thing that an open relationship really needs according to every poly book or article out there. He gets frustrated that I take a longer time to verbalize my feelings and thoughts. And I, struggle with my need for him to be more transparent with me about his life & other relationships. I have asked him for his support and guidance in navigating this relationship and that I feel it would help me if he shared with me the other people that he sees or even something as simple as being excited about an upcoming date. He tells me/sends me pictures of his adventures but when I press for details about his companions, I am given a vague response that starts with "a friend." I told him that for me, I'd like to know. Because it's better than guessing and being left in the dark, with my own thoughts. He has never lied to me but he censors and eludes details. Which makes it worse for me because it is so obvious. When I call him out on it, he says he doesn't want me to react in a way that will cause more pain or crying. He disagrees with me that this is not the case. I have spent more time going through psychological hell being left in the dark. He said he would try to share more. But he never did.
He met a girl in CA over the summer who is also poly. She insisted that he ask me how I felt and if i'd be okay if they saw each other before anything else. It was the only time he ever told me about someone else. I wasn't jumping in excitement that there was someone, but i was really okay with it. I really was. I was surprised that he shared. But I felt valued that he thought of me. And honestly, that was all I really wanted. I respect him. I understand poly is who he is. i want him to be happy. But I wanted open communication. Maybe in hindsight, he only shared because he was asked to. He admitted that to some extent, that that was the case.
I told him I loved him. I told him I wanted to be a primary in his life. But he said to him, I was his primary secondary. To him, there were no primaries. Solopoly. We spent Thanksgiving with his family this year. I asked him if he had the slightest image of how he'd like his future to look and where he think he'd like to live after his 2 year contact in his current city is over. I asked him if there was even a slightest possibility that he could be someone I would eventually come home to at the end of the day. I wasn't asking for exact dates, marriage, kids, nor monogamy. He said he couldn't deliver that because he doesn't know. That night, we broke up. It's been a lot of crying since.
But I still wanted us. I am not ready for that image of coming home to someone anyway. But it would be something I eventually wanted. A primary. Him. Someday...where we'd be in the same time zone, under one roof. But it didn't have to be a future that I needed to figure out now,I asked if we could re-try and that we'll work out the future when it comes, however it comes. We talked last night. He said he still wants me in his life. But says he'd like me to put him less of a priority, in other words, him as secondary in my life. His reasoning being so that I could make room for others in my life to be my primary and make a life together with. That we'd both be less burdened by expectations and hopes. I told him, I still wanted the transparency from him...that he never managed to share with me. That I struggled with feeling close to him because of this barrier. He said with him being secondary, we wouldn't have to communicate as necessary anymore. It hurt and angered me to hear that. Because it made me feel like it was just his excuse of never having to share and open to me now. He says I don't need to know because the only reason I would want to is that I am jealous.
He told me to think it through. I'm so tired. I'm trying to fix things....but why is it so hard to ask someone for compassionate communication? Should I let go of our relationship altogether or continue loving him going by the parameters he suggests.
This is my story:
I first met him 2.5 years ago on a dating app on which he had written "ethical non-monogamy"on his profile. Before him, I chose to not date for 3 years because I was still healing from my previous relationship and my career had just started. So really, my first date with him was really my first time using a dating app. I didn't know what the words really meant but I also wasn't sure I needed to because I had little to no faith in it being serious. We went on 2-3 more dates before I told him it wasn't going to work and there was no point continuing because our lifestyles were different- him, being polyamorous and me, I guess monogamous. I wanted to catch myself before I started to like him.
Needless to say, he reached out to me a month later while we were both in Europe traveling, separately. He asked me to try with him, to give us a chance and explore something new. At the time, I wasn't sure I wanted a conventional relationship. I simply felt like I couldn't offer time, focus and energy into one. Or maybe I was just comfortable being on my own. I told him I didn't wanted to be suffocated and tend to feel the need to break things off if it got to the point where I felt like things were moving too fast and I was cornered. He offered me that space. And we've been seeing each other since.
He moved for work in July 2019. Right now, he is 3300 miles away. We struggle with communication. The one main thing that an open relationship really needs according to every poly book or article out there. He gets frustrated that I take a longer time to verbalize my feelings and thoughts. And I, struggle with my need for him to be more transparent with me about his life & other relationships. I have asked him for his support and guidance in navigating this relationship and that I feel it would help me if he shared with me the other people that he sees or even something as simple as being excited about an upcoming date. He tells me/sends me pictures of his adventures but when I press for details about his companions, I am given a vague response that starts with "a friend." I told him that for me, I'd like to know. Because it's better than guessing and being left in the dark, with my own thoughts. He has never lied to me but he censors and eludes details. Which makes it worse for me because it is so obvious. When I call him out on it, he says he doesn't want me to react in a way that will cause more pain or crying. He disagrees with me that this is not the case. I have spent more time going through psychological hell being left in the dark. He said he would try to share more. But he never did.
He met a girl in CA over the summer who is also poly. She insisted that he ask me how I felt and if i'd be okay if they saw each other before anything else. It was the only time he ever told me about someone else. I wasn't jumping in excitement that there was someone, but i was really okay with it. I really was. I was surprised that he shared. But I felt valued that he thought of me. And honestly, that was all I really wanted. I respect him. I understand poly is who he is. i want him to be happy. But I wanted open communication. Maybe in hindsight, he only shared because he was asked to. He admitted that to some extent, that that was the case.
I told him I loved him. I told him I wanted to be a primary in his life. But he said to him, I was his primary secondary. To him, there were no primaries. Solopoly. We spent Thanksgiving with his family this year. I asked him if he had the slightest image of how he'd like his future to look and where he think he'd like to live after his 2 year contact in his current city is over. I asked him if there was even a slightest possibility that he could be someone I would eventually come home to at the end of the day. I wasn't asking for exact dates, marriage, kids, nor monogamy. He said he couldn't deliver that because he doesn't know. That night, we broke up. It's been a lot of crying since.
But I still wanted us. I am not ready for that image of coming home to someone anyway. But it would be something I eventually wanted. A primary. Him. Someday...where we'd be in the same time zone, under one roof. But it didn't have to be a future that I needed to figure out now,I asked if we could re-try and that we'll work out the future when it comes, however it comes. We talked last night. He said he still wants me in his life. But says he'd like me to put him less of a priority, in other words, him as secondary in my life. His reasoning being so that I could make room for others in my life to be my primary and make a life together with. That we'd both be less burdened by expectations and hopes. I told him, I still wanted the transparency from him...that he never managed to share with me. That I struggled with feeling close to him because of this barrier. He said with him being secondary, we wouldn't have to communicate as necessary anymore. It hurt and angered me to hear that. Because it made me feel like it was just his excuse of never having to share and open to me now. He says I don't need to know because the only reason I would want to is that I am jealous.
He told me to think it through. I'm so tired. I'm trying to fix things....but why is it so hard to ask someone for compassionate communication? Should I let go of our relationship altogether or continue loving him going by the parameters he suggests.
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