Australian woman wanting to know other poly people

This is in my ‘about me’ but I think it’s more appropriate here?

A couple of years ago I read the Ethical Slut and felt that I finally found something that I could identify with. I had my husband read it and he said he agreed with the theory behind it. Nothing much more happened until I told my husband late last year that I’d met someone online that I’d like to have coffee with. He fell apart and nothing progressed with that coffee date.

After a couple of years looking into polyamory, I’m now at a stage where I identify with being polyamorous but am unable to do anything about it without possibly losing my husband.

We went and saw a psychologist for marriage counselling, where I spoke about the shame I feel. She asked me some questions about my upbringing and now im going through trauma counselling. She even said I may come out of it realising I’m happy with monogamy. In my second session I mentioned that saying this in front of my husband has given him false hope and she agreed, but that’s not very helpful.

I find myself withdrawing from friends because I don’t really have any who can understand what I’m going through. It’s a lonely existence and I’m hoping in coming here that I might find some kind of comfort getting to know people who I can relate with.

J
 
Welcome. Sorry to hear what you have experienced. We all have ideas, but, we are not experts. Ask away and folks will jump in. You will find some good counsel here. Regards.
 
Thank you for replying! I’m not expecting anyone to have a magic fixer for my situation, I just want to feel less isolated. Just saying hi helps x
 
Hi from across the ditch!

I'm sorry you've not been able to progress with opening your marriage, I think I would have been devastated if my husband hadn't been able to move back to being open and poly. I probably would have exited the marriage so I could be true to myself. I hope you guys can find your middle ground although it sounds rather like he is more interested in you doing the therapy to be mono than him doing the therapy to be poly-friendly.

Have you or your therapist heard of the book PolySecure? Might be work a look and could be of use to your husband.
 
Ive heard of it and would be happy to read it. I’ve had to compromise in removing the label ‘polyamory’ in favour of ‘non ethical monogamy’ (side lol, autocorrect put ‘monotony’).

I see myself as poly, but he can’t handle that term. To him that word means full on split living.
 
You mean ethical non monogamy. Placement of that non makes a difference. 😉.
 
You could try conditioning your husband sexually. Introduce him to the ideas you’re sexually stimulated by, reverse the roles for a little into a flirty game you both get turned on by and let the love you discover together lead you instead of worded notions. That’s a recipe for complexes that take years to work out. Base the convos on trust and sexual interest.

Just be encouraging and not afraid to desire what you both find when you turn him wild.
 
You could try conditioning your husband sexually. Introduce him to the ideas you’re sexually stimulated by, reverse the roles for a little into a flirty game you both get turned on by and let the love you discover together lead you instead of worded notions. That’s a recipe for complexes that take years to work out. Base the convos on trust and sexual interest.

Just be encouraging and not afraid to desire what you both find when you turn him wild.
For Valentine’s Day, my gift this year was to have a threesome, which he’s excited for. I’m not bi, but am happy to have that experience with him for him. We haven’t done it yet - but I was hoping it might give him some perspective and am a little annoyed that the silence on me being able to see other people can occur at the same time.
 
You could maybe get him involved in dating again outside of something that’s strictly sex with someone else. This way he can feel like he has some control over what kind of action he’s getting in the position he’s in. Give him the “looking down the line” pitch, and say that it might work out that he might trust whoever comes into your relationship enough, on either side of the equation, that he might grow more substantially and integrally that it would bring the two of you closer.
 
You could maybe get him involved in dating again outside of something that’s strictly sex with someone else. This way he can feel like he has some control over what kind of action he’s getting in the position he’s in. Give him the “looking down the line” pitch, and say that it might work out that he might trust whoever comes into your relationship enough, on either side of the equation, that he might grow more substantially and integrally that it would bring the two of you closer.
I had a mini meltdown last night about it all which weirdly helped. He’d just stopped engaging with me full stop and I said I can’t do this anymore if this is how it’s going to be.

He said he’s just afraid that this will lead to me leaving him. He agreed that my whole approach to this should be evidence enough that this is not the case.
 
Hm. I have this theory that people, in their own self-internalized relationship with their attention complex, end up using one another unintentionally like scratching posts by externalizing their internal turmoil by projecting it onto others through broad and unregulated emotional strokes. It can be like an engine to itself, and even though we might have some notion of good intention toward a given vector or intersection for interpersonal conflict, we can color one another unintentionally with whatever it is that we want to see instead and it can become pretty destructive really quickly. It sounds like your husband is struggling with things he can’t see or relate to for himself, so can’t qualify the depth of his own cycle of emotion as it relates to himself in the present as it relates to sex and your relationship.

Perhaps suggest that his internal suffering isn’t necessary, that a conversation can heal his pain, and that it isn’t worth breaking down about because it’s only digging you both deeper into negative and toxic emotional wells each within yourselves, and it doesn’t appear that either of you know what you’re doing to get out of it.

That said, you need to be fair to yourself. If you’re online having conversations with other men about how you two are dying to fuck each other, and you can’t see yourself not fucking multiple people, then you need to man up and take control. That’s where nobody can tell you what to do.

Your husband will come around if he realizes he can do something more fun than he’s currently doing with this situation. Either that or he can read the news. It’s his choice but don’t let him hurt you for his sake. Men can and will do this unintentionally as I’m sure you’re aware.
 
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Greetings Jeansandsneakers,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry you are having this difficulty with (poly and) your husband. For what it's worth, I believe you can make online friends here who will understand how you feel and what you are going through. I for one am a huge fan of polyamory -- and of ethical nonmonogamy (ENM), which is a larger category that contains polyamory. Hang in there, and keep interacting with the good folks on this site.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Had a conversation tonight (with husband) in which I said it feels like I’m caught in a holding pattern. He said that this obviously wasn’t going to go away, and if I feel like I’m stuck in a holding pattern then I need to do something about it. He also said if I was waiting for high fives and a party from him then that’s not going to happen - so if it’s something I want to do then I should just go do it.

I said that I think I’ve been contributing to the holding pattern just as much as him, that I suppose I wanted to wait until I knew that he felt secure. He says he gets it theoretically but we don’t know what will be emotionally until it happens. Then ‘what will be will be’.

I guess I was being highly unrealistic in hoping that he’d wake one day and just ‘get it’. I don’t have anyone/opportunity lined up at the moment- I just want to feel like I can freely identify (even if just to myself) as poly/enm instead of someone who’s just read about it a lot and wishes they could be free to explore that life.

I feel like a jerk.
 
Don't feel like a jerk, you've done nothing wrong. You wanted your husband to be comfortable with ENM/poly before you did it, that is a good thing on your part, you didn't want to hurt him. Sometimes we find out that the one that we love consents to something, even if they're not thrilled about it. That's okay too.
 
I understand where your husband is coming from and agree that you won't know until you actually go out and do it.

It sounds like he's given you 'permission' to explore poly?

I don't get the impression you are malicious or trying to get out of your relationship with your husband. But it seems the marriage is holding you back from fully understanding your identity. Does it feel like you have to choose between marriage or splitting up?
 
It’s tricky… I want to feel like I can identify as poly without shame. As Gala put it in another thread, I’m ‘unstealable’ - meaning I am sincerely committed to a husband that I adore.

My fear is that the choice will have to be made despite us both loving each other this much.
 
Be aware that just by introducing the idea of polyamory/ethical non-monogamy (call it what you will), you have already changed your marriage. There is no going back. You can't close the barn door after the horse has escaped.

Most people in our patriarchal culture believe in monogamy, even if it is only lip service. It is the cultural default. This has been slowly changing, especially since the 1960s, although artistic rebels have lived this way all along, with more or less unfavorable consequences for bucking the system.

Whether your husband has hopes that therapy will somehow make you more mono-- those are his feelings, not yours. He can go ahead and hope for that right now if it helps him. His emotional management is his own job. Your emotions and how you wish to express them are your job. You can ID as whomever you want. He has no say over that. You feel your feelings, and you get to choose the behaviors that stem from your feelings and desires.

Being non-mono means you are expressing your individuality in ways that go against what our culture expects from us, especially from women. Even if you never act upon this overtly, you are non-monogamous. You acknowledge your attraction for other people you see, meet or read about. This is taboo. Our culture expects us to not acknowledge our attractions to others. We should repress those feelings, and even lie about them.

The polyamorous people on this board go against the grain. We have created lives where we can acknowledge those feelings, needs, desires, and act upon them if we so wish. That path does not come without pain, but for us, the pain on the journey is well worth the rewards.
 
Thank you, Magdlyn

I agree with what you’re saying and am a fan girl of people like yourself on this board.

Im looking forward for the reward part to kick in 😅
 
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