BDSM discussion

As whiny as this sounds... I don't have *any* friends who live near me. Except maybe Boots, but at this point, I don't know if he and I are even friends anymore, let alone the B part. The only other person, aside from Hubby and my kids, who I speak with regularly is Guy, and I only hear from him 2-3 times a month at this point.

Unfortunately, Hubby won't go to any social events, even with people he knows and likes, let alone with strangers. That's the main reason he's cool with me being poly. It means he doesn't have to go anywhere with me or deal with people in social settings. He won't even take me out to dinner anymore because it's too uncomfortable for him.

Something tells me I'm probably fighting a losing battle here. I do recognize that the only way this can happen is if I meet people. Meeting people one at a time and building some level of trust works best for me in general, which is why I'm on OKC and AFF; in theory you can connect one-on-one with people. But I realize that for something like this, an event like a munch would probably be safer, just as with AFF, the folks in my area often have G-rated "meet and greets" at bars or clubs. If I can find a munch that's near me and at a time I can actually get to it, I can push my comfort zone enough to go; I managed it the first time I went to an AFF meet and greet, and believe it or not, I was even more awkward and anxious socially then than I am now. Especially if it's something that's set up on Fet or Meetup, where you can have some interaction before the event with other people who are going.

I don't think the play parties would work for me, though, unless someone I knew well went with me and I didn't have to interact with anyone else except on a "Hi, nice to meet you" level. Which would defeat the purpose, I know, but I can't "play" casually with strangers or even acquaintances. I can have an *emotionally* casual thing (like a fuck buddy arrangement), but the other person has to be someone who's taken the time for us to get to know each other beyond our names and genitalia and build some trust.
 
It doesn't sound whiny, though I'm sorry you're in that situation. Your husband is too socially anxious to go out to eat? Is he getting any treatment in the way of therapy or medication? Being that isolated can end up being a very unhealthy thing.
 
With Hubby, it isn't anxiety. He just doesn't like being around other people. Isolation is his preferred state; my kids and I are the only ones he tolerates being around most of the time. He deals with working because he works for his dad and uncle, with two other coworkers, and even though he also has to deal with customers it's a very structured context. He admits to having a "script" in his head that he uses when he's dealing with the customers. (In other posts on here, I've said that we're fairly certain he has Asperger's or some other autism spectrum condition, and his lack of interest or comfort in social situations, along with his "scripts", is one of the things that makes me think that.)

Even if it were anxiety, and even though he admits to having depression, he won't even talk to his primary care doctor about it, let alone to a therapist, and he adamantly refuses to take any type of psychiatric medication. He's afraid if he's being treated for any type of mental illness, it will prevent him from maintaining the licenses he needs for work. (Even though his father and uncle are both on antidepressants...)

Unfortunately, his isolation has become mine, because I find it nearly impossible to meet people and I don't have a job outside the house. And for me, being isolated *is* very unhealthy, because it feeds the depression and some of the emotional-abuse-based PTSD issues.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
We only dabbled, but I like calling Lotus "Boss-Lady" (or "Boss-Lady-Ma'am" if I was feeling ornery) - she was most "Pretty Lady" other times (which is what MrS calls her when he is missing her). I am in no way, shape or form a "lady" - so there was this element of her "training" me that my "little" appreciated.

Maybe adding an endearment or qualifier would make it seem less "formal"? Or adding an honorific?

Boss-Man ("Sir-Boss-Man" if ornery)("Lover-Boss-Man" if affectionate)
Handsome-Dude
Sweet-Mister/Master
Gentle-Sir
MY-Prince
Sir-Sexy
etc.
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Thanks for the ideas, Jane. It's kind of funny, the first thing that popped into my head was Lord Business from the Lego Movie. One of his co-workers at his last job used to call him that. He hadn't seen the movie, so I made him watch it with me. I doubt I'd use it in this case, but it made me laugh.
 
KC43, playing at a play party doesn't have to include sex. Just thought I'd point that out with regards to pickup play.

There really is nothing wrong with meeting people one on one. It's not as different from regular dating as some would have you believe. Communication is key though. Is it actually safer to be a part of the social community? That is debatable. BDSMers can be very cliquish and judgmental. They are not much different from the poly crowd when it comes to One True Wayers.
 
Vinsanity, I know "play" at a BDSM play party doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sex, but neither does my reluctance-bordering-on-panic at the idea of a casual "play" interaction with someone I don't know. I don't give casual *hugs* to people I've just met, and sexual or not, I would tend to think a BDSM "play" interaction would be more intense than a hug. (And to me, it seems like something BDSM-ish would require *more* trust than even vanilla sex, particularly for someone who hasn't been involved in it before...)
 
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KC43 said:
Vinsanity, I know "play" at a BDSM play party doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sex, but neither does my reluctance-bordering-on-panic at the idea of a casual "play" interaction with someone I don't know. I don't give casual *hugs* to people I've just met, and sexual or not, I would tend to think a BDSM "play" interaction would be more intense than a hug. (And to me, it seems like something BDSM-ish would require *more* trust than even vanilla sex, particularly for someone who hasn't been involved in it before...)
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I'm sorry you have those kinds of issues.

I wouldn't say it requires more trust as much as a different kind of trust, but everybody is different. Hopefully you are working on those issues. I am more of a risk taker. Thankfully Sprite is as well.
 
I don't see not being comfortable hugging or touching strangers or people I barely know as an issue. To me, it seems perfectly reasonable. So no, it isn't something I'm working on.

The anxiety/panic, in general, *is* an issue, and yes, I work on that, including the social anxiety.
 
I've been involved in kink stuff actively and consistently for 6 1/2 years (plus some dabbling in it with my ex h back in 1998-2008, we learned together), and I do NOT do "scene" stuff out in public! I had kinky desires all my life from about age 11, but didn't act on them much until quite late in life. Although, I did do some fake "torture" kidnapping stuff with some friends in very early adolescence. heh

I have gone to the Fetish Flea Market in Providence RI a couple times, with my gf. It's fun, it's not a "play party" or a munch, but there are lots of kinky people there, and shopping, and classes in this or that activity. We went to a private party in one of the rooms one time. We do have friends who are more into public scenes and we can chat with them at the Flea, but IMO, you need to have voyeurism or exhibitionism, and maybe in interest in group sex, to play publically, and those don't happen to be my kinks.

So, I got lucky enough to find Pixi on OKC 6 years ago. She's had experience with 24/7 D/s relationship, bondage, impact play, power exchange. She also has books, and I read them all. Books about kinks from all angles, gay male D/s, feminist D/s, pagan D/s, D/s in the early 20th century, seeking pain as release and right of passage in religions old and neo. On and on.

There are also many websites about how to play, what to do, and how to do it safely. And you can go to Fetlife just to look at pix and read on groups about all different kinds of kink. There are hundreds, if not thousands of kinks and fetishes. Sitting on cakes? Yup. Balloon popping? Mmhm. TENS units. Knife play. Bondage with ropes. Putting things in your urethra. Daddy/little girl. Sissies. Female domination. Fetishizing big black cocks. Fetishizing Japanese school girls being raped by octopuses. Anal sex. Cuckolding. Latex. Mummification. Men who want a woman to feed them her breastmilk. Rape fantasies. Interrogation. Humiliation. Furries. Ticklers. It goes on and on... I once chatted with a guy for a while who fetished fuzzy blankets.

Read and learn.

There are lots of Dom-asses out there, both male and female, people with so many issues they can only have sex in certain prescribed ways. They may be very fucked up and emotionally immature. They may not be respectful of others. They may be self-hating. Screen guys you meet on OKC, read their profiles.

As for me, I look for men and women who are kinky and also polyAMORous, so that they aren't just players, but people who are looking for an emotional caring aspect to their partner(s). I need great aftercare after a session. If someone can't provide that, I drop them.

I've never really found a good Dom. I've had some that came close, and some that were so fucked up as to be suicidal...

One sweet smart talented intelligent guy I met this year though... wow, the 2 sessions I have had with him so far! They were so freeking good. The 2nd date, especially, was, for me, so perfect I was in this amazing subspace for three entire days afterward. Really special. It was just the right combination of power exchange and impact play, and the right music playing, and sensuous gentle things, and emotional connection, and intensity, and focus, and naughtiness; it just flowed.

However, he has a wife, a toddler, a gf and several play partners, and a demanding job. So, I won't get to see him very much, and it's frustrating. I yearn for him. Sigh...

Meanwhile, I have started a relationship with a woman who is sub, but seems interested in switching. She is so kinky in fun ways that match me so well. It's really hot. And besides all that, we are about the same age and have a ton in common, so it's a full rounded relationship as well. What a sweetheart. She is poly, and new to dating in the past year since her long-term marriage ended, just like I was 7 years ago. I can kind of mentor her, and I admire her courage in starting over. She is also artistic like me.

I've just started seeing another guy who is a swinger. He's great at fucking, but vanilla. Something is missing! That delicious power exchange. But he's so virile and studly, he seems to round out what I have with my new female partner as well as with Pixi.

I typed all that out just to give you a taste of my kinky life, which doesn't really involve "The Scene," at all. I've been to a couple small munches. We played cards. heh I hang out with kinky people, but they are friends, we don't "play" together. I hang out with queer people, because I am queer.

My gf has a degree of social anxiety, but she's working on it! She goes to therapy, she has been going steadily for 7 years, and she is on a cocktail of antidepressants. It helps!

Feel free to ask questions.
 
Thanks for all that info, Magdlyn! I haven't checked out Fet yet; I'm planning to, just need to make sure I can flip the font and background colors so I can actually read it.

I skew toward exhibitionism to some extent, but not "Hey, watch this!" More like, "Hey, someone *might* see us." And dressing in the sexiest outfits in which I'm comfortable and legal, and wearing the highest heels I can walk in without breaking myself. Being where someone would definitely see me doing something wouldn't be my cup of tea. Voyeurism isn't one of my kinks; I can't even watch porn without feeling like a massive creep.

I've been very carefully reading the profiles of the guys on OKC who say they're Doms. There are a number of them, but I've only messaged two. I haven't heard back from the one I had the conversation with the other night; the second I believe is legitimate, but I'm not keen on meeting him since he questioned how I could write fiction about BDSM without having experienced it. (I told him it's the same way people who write murder mysteries do it without actually killing anyone.)

I'm glad you've met the Dom you mention, even if you won't be able to see him as often as you'd like. He sounds amazing! And I hope things work out well for you with the woman you met, and with the swinger guy.

I've found that even with my vanilla partners, there's usually some degree of dominance or at least aggression on their part, which obviously works for me. Even with Boots, who says I'm the only partner he's had with whom he actually gets aggressive, and he can't figure out why he does it with me. It's just been that way since the first time we fucked.

Right now, on OKC I'm having trouble meeting anyone at all. Most of the guys I've messaged haven't answered, and most of the ones who've messaged me either think I'm cheating or come across as too desperate. Of the ones who've had actual conversations with me, they usually stop answering after a few minutes and I don't hear from them again.

However, I'm having an extended conversation with a switch guy who lives in another state that borders ours, over an hour away. I'd like to meet him at some point, but I think the distance is a deal-breaker for him, since he mentioned wanting to find a local play partner. (I don't think over an hour is "local" in anyone's opinion except mine... I once lived in a part of Maine where an hour was considered reasonable traveling distance to buy groceries.) He's trying to wrap his head around polyamory, which I'm helping him with, and he's helping me start wrapping my head around more of where my kink seems to lie, so at least the conversation is good. We've been talking since Saturday or Sunday, and he actually apologized to me for taking longer to answer during the week than he did over the weekend, which bodes well for at least continuing to talk for a while.

I'm on antidepressants, which don't do a lot for the social anxiety, but I've learned a few coping strategies that usually help. Nowadays I get far more anxious about the *prospect* of going into a social setting than about actually being there, so I give myself permission to have a complete and utter anxiety meltdown on the way to the place if I'm feeling particularly anxious. That gets it out of my system when no one else is around to see, so I'm usually on a fairly even keel when I actually walk into the place. If I start struggling during the event, I just go into the restroom, let myself cry for a minute or two, then pull my ass back together and get back to the group.

I'm also apparently better socially than I think I am. When I went to the poly women's dinner where I met Glow, she'd saved me a seat next to her, but she was behind the table with people on either side so I didn't see the empty chair. I sat at the far end of the table and started chatting with the women there; when Glow came over to talk to me, she said she thought I must have known those women beforehand because I seemed to be talking with them so easily. So a lot of the anxiety about social events really is all in my head; I psych myself out.
 
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KC43 said:
I don't see not being comfortable hugging or touching strangers or people I barely know as an issue. To me, it seems perfectly reasonable. So no, it isn't something I'm working on.

The anxiety/panic, in general, *is* an issue, and yes, I work on that, including the social anxiety.
Click to expand...

My apologies if I was out of line. I viewed the no hugging thing as a symptom. I'm used to getting hugs from women I meet from online. Like I said, everyone is different.
 
No apology necessary, but thank you. Until I met my current husband, I could barely stand to be touched by anyone; at that point, it was a symptom of the results of years of emotional abuse at home and bullying at school. Hubby is a very touchy-feely kind of guy; touch is his primary way of relating to people. So gradually I became very comfortable with physical affection from him, which carried over with other people if I know them.

But with people I don't know or barely know, it doesn't make sense to me for them to hug me or whatever. And because of my history, I rarely trust someone on first meeting.

Hugging someone you met online first isn't quite the same thing, to me, because theoretically you've taken the time to get to know them before meeting. You haven't seen them in person before, but they aren't strangers.
 
KC, thanks for the well wishes with my new partners. I sure hope things continue to develop nicely with all of them. One never knows.

It's good that you like to dress up. Many women and some guys do go to kink play parties just to swan around in fancy fetish wear, it seems to me. Maybe get tied up at some point... I don't do high heels, and I dislike spending the money on corsets and such (I have another hobby that costs me so I can't really afford all the clothes), but it sounds like you'd fit in at a party.

Anecdote about clothing-- at the private party we got invited to, down the hall from our room in the hotel at the Flea, the woman who invited us was flogging this hot looking guy who was lying across one of the beds. He was in a mesh tank top and a kilt and boots. She was in some kind of cute outfit including a corset. After a few minutes of working him over, she was all, "Screw this corset, I'm working here and need to breathe!" So she took it off. I like comfort in my clothing. But I know some people feel fine in a corset. I'd rather be dressed like the guy in the mesh tank and kilt, heh.

And it is interesting that although you experience extreme anxiety before going to a social event, you do well once you get there, by and large. It's like stage fright, huh? My gf yawns and yawns when she had to go someplace new and interact... even if it's when going to, say, the doctors to discuss an issue, or to the bank to set up a loan or whatever.

My definition of courage is feeling the fear but doing it anyway. I also dislike going out of my comfort zone sometimes, not socially, but in other ways. At this point I laugh at myself a little internally when I get scared or unsure, because I know the benefits will be well worth it.
 
The only type of high heels I can deal with are either wedges or thick heels. Stilettos aren't ever gonna happen; my balance isn't that good... As for dressing up, it's just shorter skirts/dresses, maybe a lower cut top, than I would normally wear in public. I don't go in for all the fancy stuff; I can't afford it! LOL

I'm stubborn as hell sometimes, so I tend to try to out-stubborn my illnesses and limitations. Sometimes I push too far, but by and large I've learned my limits and know how far I can push myself, and how to do it, so I get maximum benefit and minimum issues. It's taken a lot of therapy, study, and self-examination to get here, though.
 
So I figured out how to reverse the color scheme on Fetlife (it's a Chrome accessibility feature) and rejoined because I think I deleted my old profile and can't remember the name I used for that one anyway. Still finding it very hard to navigate or to do anything with... I'm getting that it's supposed to be like Facebook, but I don't really navigate that either. I just check in on it a few times a day to read and, maybe, respond to the posts that show up in my news feed, and that's it. I join Facebook groups but never actually check them because I forget I'm a member, and to me it's a gigantic time suck and there are things I'd rather be doing.

Hopefully Fetlife doesn't turn out like that, but I can't see a way to make it work for me without devoting a lot of time to it.

On the other hand, Boots is, or was at one point, a member on Fet, so I'm going to ask him to help me sort it out.
 
Sounds like a good idea. I'm glad you got the colors to switch anyway.
 
Yeah, changing the colors makes it a lot easier to see what I'm not able to navigate...

I have found three groups that I joined, but two don't seem particularly active, and the one that's active is mostly things that don't strike me as relevant.

I also got message-bombed by half a dozen guys this morning. Three of them were so young I didn't bother answering (one was younger than Alt!), and I almost reported a fourth guy because he wasn't taking no for an answer. He asked me if I fantasize about being dominated, and when I told him that wasn't a question I was willing to answer for a total stranger, he said, "Of course it is, pretty lady, or you wouldn't be here. I know what you need." I told him he was being extremely inappropriate and that I wasn't going to answer him again. If he'd persisted I would have had to figure out how to report him, but fortunately he backed off.

That's the kind of person Guy was lecturing me about the other night; he finally got around to calling to answer my request for info about kink, and went off on me for seeking out people online and for joining a BDSM group on Meetup (though he chilled out about that when I explained that Meetup is for interest *groups*). He said he didn't want me to end up in a dangerous, potentially damaging situation. I refrained from pointing out that of all the men I've been in consensual sexual situations with, *he* is the only one who's done anything actually damaging to me.

The other two seemed decent, but one conversation ended after he finally comprehended that I wasn't interested in having him clean my house nude, and the other stopped answering after I said I'm married, even though that's clearly stated in my profile and my introductory posts on the groups...
 
Things haven't been going well for you. :(
 
That was just my first day on Fet, so it wasn't a big deal. It isn't really supposed to be a place to meet people; it's supposed to be a place to find events and places to meet people. I think.

Still not having much luck figuring out the site, though. I get that there are about a zillion groups on the site, but how do you find groups you're interested in joining? I did a search for my city and found a couple of local groups, which I joined, but other than that it seems hit or miss in terms of finding groups to join. I was also hoping to find resources (articles, etc.) on there so I could learn stuff, but apparently that isn't a thing?
 
Check out the Novices and Newbies group. A lot of the greeters/caretakers (and others who just have a lot of know-how) participate frequently to help people find what you are looking for. That group may be able to direct you to more research type groups.
 
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