BDSM discussion

I always hear people suggest this book http://www.amazon.com/Power-Circuits-Polyamory-Dynamic/dp/0982879415

I'd suggest going over one of these checklists with him. I found it useful to have one partner also fill out one that gauges his interest in the activities too, so we can see what would be better for us. (I don't worry he's doing something "just for me" if he'd indicated he is interested in exploring it, for instance.)

http://latches.webslaves.com/checklist.htm - this is super long, pros and cons to thinking about SO many activities, but good for saying "Huh, never even thought about that."

http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/question1.shtml

http://www.fetishalliance.net/Stories/SM_BD_DS/Checklist/ifieverseeanotherchecklist.htm

http://www.evilmonk.org/a/checklist.cfm?act=listcat - can be done online
 
Anneintherain said:
I always hear people suggest this book http://www.amazon.com/Power-Circuits-Polyamory-Dynamic/dp/0982879415

I'd suggest going over one of these checklists with him - I found it useful to have one partner also fill out one that gauges his interest in the activities too, so we can see what would be better for us (I don't worry he's doing something "just for me" if he'd indicated he is interested in exploring it, for instance)

http://latches.webslaves.com/checklist.htm - this is super long, pros and cons to thinking about SO many activities, but good for saying "huh, never even thought about that"

http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/question1.shtml

http://www.fetishalliance.net/Stories/SM_BD_DS/Checklist/ifieverseeanotherchecklist.htm

http://www.evilmonk.org/a/checklist.cfm?act=listcat - can be done online
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Thanks for the links to the lists and for the book suggestion!
 
Norwegianpoly said:
My husband simply owns me, so he is my owner, and he can ask me anything. He is not responsible for me in any other way than what we do in sessions , but the sessions we take very seriously, for instance we don't play if we are tired or out of focus. We use the traffic light system, exept we swapped yellow for orange. The only reason for us to set boundries are things that could potentionally be dangerous, for instance versions of choking or to tie someone up and leave the room. Also, making the sub feel unsure/not giving enough focus to the session is really bad for the sub. But both can be responsible for not initiating/stopping a session of the right energy is not there.

I find that submission gives me a space to let the discussions in my head die down, and lets me feel desired beyond the sexual level - like a fight or dance with energies. It also gives him a place to come to terms with his fear of his agressive side. In our regular life we are kind of the opposite (I am more agressive and outspoken, he is super nice to everyone) but d/s give us the chance to be more complex people. In the beginning, there might be errors and mistakes, but after a while you will get the hang of it.
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Thank you for your comments. I can relate to the one about giving you space to let the discussion in your head die down. That can be an issue for me, also.

I'm definitely the one that makes a large amount of decisions in the household I share with my husband and sons. I'm in charge of the money, I do 90% of the shopping, I make most of the appointments, such as for doctors, and make sure people get there. One of the things my friend relationship with Sam has always given me is a place of rest away from being the one who makes all the decisions and is always in charge. I think this submission to him is just adding in something a little more formal to that feeling that already exists.
 
I call my dominant partner "Mister" when we're in D/s space together. It's a term of respect that's not as cold sounding to me as "Sir" is. I like the mouth-feel of it as a word. And it's similar to "Master" but not quite, which fits his role in my life. :) Best of luck on this adventure! And be careful... it sounds like you entered into this during a very emotional and painful time in your life. As such, it may take on a lot of emotional intensity and importance beyond what it would normally have, b/c it's not just associated with him, it's associated with your recovery from depression. D/s NRE can be even more intense than normal NRE, in my experience. So... yeah. Let yourself enjoy this, but just reserve a small part of your psyche that can stay level-headed and make sure you're acting rationally.
 
AnnabelMore said:
I call my dominant partner "Mister" when we're in D/s space together. It's a term of respect that's not as cold sounding to me as "Sir" is. I like the mouth-feel of it as a word. And it's similar to "Master" but not quite, which fits his role in my life. :) Best of luck on this adventure! And be careful... it sounds like you entered into this during a very emotional and painful time in your life. As such, it may take on a lot of emotional intensity and importance beyond what it would normally have, b/c it's not just associated with him, it's associated with your recovery from depression. D/s NRE can be even more intense than normal NRE in my experience. So... yeah. Let yourself enjoy this, but just reserve a small part of your psyche that can stay level -headed and make sure you're acting rationally.
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Thanks Annabel. I appreciate the alternate word. I had thought about maybe using sir instead, but realized it would be really easy for me to fall into sarcasm with it, since I use it occasionally that way, anyway. For instance, saying "Yes, sir!" and rolling my eyes when someone makes a fairly ridiculous demand, like a friend did Sunday about planning when I said happy fourth to him better next year so he actually reads it on the fourth (I sent it at 10:30 at night). So I have a feeling that I'd be hard pressed to not sound sarcastic at least occasionally with sir. I'll have to play around with mister in my mind and see if I like it better.

And thank you for the warning about being careful about depression and it making it seem like this whole thing is more than it is. I am a little worried about that part, enough that I bought an ebook on emotional and mental health within BDSM for submissives. I'm planning on also reading as much as I can find about it on the internet. In addition, I'm going to the local Burning Man regional festival this week and am going to make a point of stopping by the BDSM camp that is always there and asking for advice. So it's a concern I have, as well, and I am trying to get to the point that I can also at least see the warning signs so I can ask for help.

I have an appointment with my therapist next week, and if we have enough time, I'll bring this up. If not, I'll make an appointment for later to talk about it. The festival is where the traumatic event happened last year, so whether or not I have time at my therapist's next week depends on how I do emotionally at the festival.
 
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I got inspired by 50 grey and love to try this one out :)
 
Hubby has now informed me that trying to Dom me makes him feel "silly," and he was only doing it to humor me. Not that anything actually D/s had happened in months anyway; he gets aggressive sometimes, but that's it.

So he's given me the green light to find an actual Dom, because through a couple of experiences with Boots (which I won't detail because I'm not sure of his openness about his kinks, and I don't feel it's my place to discuss them), I'm recognizing that I have more kinkiness than I'd previously realized. And I'd previously realized that I had kinks...

Right now, I'm still in "why waste time meeting anyone?" mode, as I posted in my blog thread, but the thought of looking for a Dom, or at least meeting people who are into BDSM, appeals more than meeting people in general. I figure I'll use the "why bother" phase to do my due diligence as far as learning things, making sure I'm entering into this in a safe way, and vastly overthinking. ;)

I've spent the past two nights reading this thread in its entirety, and picked up some great info. I've gotten in touch with Guy and asked for an in-depth discussion or few about BDSM, with some specific questions, but also just talking and seeing what sparks things in my brain. He was a switch for several years; he isn't in the lifestyle anymore, but the knowledge is still there, obviously. I might get in touch with my friend Cat, who was also a switch for quite a while until she got into a relationship with a non-kinky guy.

But there's one thing I really want to know that I don't remember reading here. When you're initially trying to find a Dom, how?? I'm not necessarily talking about *where* to look. I know OKC. I know about FetLife, though I don't quite grasp how to find people on there. (I tried Fet for a few weeks after Hubby and I opened the marriage, and while it might not be generally user-unfriendly, it's KC-unfriendly as far as navigating.) But I also mean how do you make sure they're actually a Dom and not a raging asshole looking for an excuse?

That said, I had a discussion with a Dom last night on OKC, and he seemed legit, but for various reasons I don't completely trust my own judgment. However, we did talk about limits, and how he usually starts off with a new sub. As a whole, it was rather reassuring, at least about him. (Except the pain part. I'm not sure I'm gonna be into pain.) Purely an intellectual, equal-level discussion, like you'd have with anyone you're trying to get to know, only with kink involved. I had to end the conversation to go to bed; we agreed to continue it another time, so we'll see if that happens.
 
how do you make sure they're actually a Dom and not a raging asshole looking for an excuse?
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That is the ultimate question, isn't it? How do you "make sure" anyone is anything that they say they are? Trust (but in "baby steps") is the only answer I know. Hopefully they are worthy of your trust.
 
KC43 said:
But I also mean how do you make sure they're actually a Dom and not a raging asshole looking for an excuse?
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Ask to meet their trainer.

Or current/previous submissives.

i.e. get references the same way you would if you were looking for a tenant or employee.
 
KC43 said:
When you're initially trying to find a Dom, how?? I'm not necessarily talking about *where* to look. I know OKC. I know about FetLife, though I don't quite grasp how to find people on there... how do you make sure they're actually a Dom and not a raging asshole looking for an excuse?
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FL is a great resource. The best way to find people on there is to search out groups (forums on the site) that are local to you. If I recall correctly, you are near a large city. There should be classified groups and discussion groups specific to your area. They also have discussion groups for every topic under the sun. There is a wealth of information there. I strongly suggest you try to get familiar with the site.

You could also try Googling your city and munches. I haven't read through this thread yet, so I don't know if they were mentioned. Munches are basically informal gatherings of people in the BDSM community. They can be a great way for a newbie to meet experienced people. Also try googling your city and BDSM. I'm sure there are clubs in your area that cater to kinksters.

As far as online dating sites, I have used alt.com in the past. I have also used collarspace.com (formerly collarme.com). I have met people from both sites.

As far as figuring out if they are legit or not, start by doing what you do when using a vanilla dating site. A good Dom will speak to you as an equal. He will ask your likes and dislikes. He will want to know your limits. He will want to know your experience. Don't be afraid to tell him what you've done in the past. You don't have to be specific about who you did it with. Personally, I use all these things to gauge whether or not we will be a good fit. I also meet people in a public place for a date or two to get to know them before we start playing.

You may run into abusive types, but it is more likely you will run into guys who think submissives are just an easy lay. Guys to avoid are the ones who start out by making demands as if you have already agreed to be their sub.

That said, I had a discussion with a Dom last night on OKC, and he seemed legit, but for various reasons I don't completely trust my own judgment. However, we did talk about limits, and how he usually starts off with a new sub. As a whole, it was rather reassuring, at least about him. (Except the pain part. I'm not sure I'm gonna be into pain.) Purely an intellectual, equal-level discussion, like you'd have with anyone you're trying to get to know only with kink involved. I had to end the conversation to go to bed; we agreed to continue it another time, so we'll see if that happens.
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If you are not into pain, don't play with someone who is into giving pain. It's okay to say no to that. When you say "starts off with a new sub" do you mean new like you are new to BDSM, or new to him? It is important that he knows you are new and exploring. And since you are new and exploring, the first Dom or three you play with may not be the one for you. You never really know until you do it, just like regular sex.
 
Evie said:
Ask to meet their trainer, or current/previous submissives. I.e., get references the same way you would if you were looking for a tenant or employee.
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I have been in this lifestyle for 30+ years. I've never had a "trainer," nor have I met many Doms who have.

While it is possible to get references sometimes, keep in mind that not all subs want to discuss such things with strangers; not all relationships end well. Personally, I don't keep in touch with many of my former subs. I know one would try to sabotage any relationship I am in. I think my current sub is the only one who would be comfortable with giving me a reference. My first wife says I was a great guy, but I doubt she would want to tell some strange woman she was submissive to me.

I'm not saying this was a wrong answer, just that it shouldn't be a deal-breaker.
 
Vinsanity, as far as the conversation I was having with the Dom on OKC, new in both senses. He's had previous subs who were completely new to BDSM, though my question to him was more about how he starts off with subs who are new to him. He does know I'm new to exploring; I told him that in the first message I sent.

When I was on FetLife previously, I had trouble finding the groups... Part of it was not being able to figure out the navigation, part was the color. I can't look at web pages that are dark background with light font for more than a minute or two without getting a migraine. But someone told me Fet has the option to change the color scheme, so I can try that. Hopefully that's less challenging.

I found one area munch on Meetup, I think, but it's an hour away, which is farther than I'm comfortable traveling. I'm hesitant to go to munches without striking up a conversation beforehand with at least one or two other people who'll be there, though. Social anxiety; I'm not at all comfortable walking into a group of total strangers, no matter what the setting.

The Dom I spoke with on OKC did as you're saying. Spoke to me like an equal, asked general questions about me, and asked my limits. I don't know whether he'll contact me again, though. I tend to assume people who've messaged with me on sites like that won't contact me again even when it is left at "we'll talk more later." And I don't know whether I should contact him again since I was the last one to speak--well, type--in the previous conversation. So his legitimacy, etc. might be a moot point anyway.

Did I mention awkward social skills? Yes, I'm probably overthinking, but this is the kind of thing that, to me, is as difficult as carrying on a conversation in German would be. (I know two sentences in German, and one is "I don't speak German.") Which probably has a lot to do with why I usually don't get more than 2-3 messages a week on OKC, and seldom get responses to any of the messages I send. The awkwardness is probably highly evident in my profile and messages.
 
Re:
"I can't look at web pages that are dark background with light font for more than a minute or two without getting a migraine. But someone told me Fet has the option to change the color scheme, so I can try that."
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I don't know if Fet itself has that option, but your browser probably does. I'm using Windows Internet Explorer 9, and the trick seems to be accessing settings for the disabled. I have a Tools menu, I click on that, then on Internet options, then on Accessibility. From there, clicking the "Ignore colors specified on webpages" box does the job.

Fet has a search box; I can type anything I want into the box and hit Enter. The search results are arranged by categories; you can pick a category by clicking on a tab. There's a "people tab," click there and people are listed who are in some way linked to what was entered in the search box.

Searching for "Dom" would yield an enormous amount of results, so reduce that by adding your city to the search. Even that might not be enough, you might have to think of other ways to narrow the search down to fit your situation/preferences.

Can't help you with the social awkwardness though ... ;)
 
KC, I can't help you with the social awkwardness either. I am probably as bad as you. I find that alcohol makes for a great social lubricant. :rolleyes:

I know what you mean about FL not being all that user friendly. I didn't use the site for about a year after I set up a profile. lol

Being part of the "community" can be daunting. I have never really been into that. It definitely isn't a requirement to have safe and sane times. I have always had luck finding subs without resorting to that. However, Sprite is into that, and she and I will be attending events in the future.

I understand that you tend to overthink things a little. I hope it doesn't hinder you from exploring this part of yourself.
 
So I'm now almost 3 months into the change in my relationship with Sam from friends with benefits to a Dominant/submissive relationship. Overall, it's going really well, we click well with each other this way. Last week I told him I'd like a date soon where I sit at his feet while he plays with my hair. We had a date tonight and after we watched a movie, he set up a pillow on the ground for me to sit on while I was in the bathroom and he played with my hair for a half an hour or so while he watched a show he likes. It was so relaxing to me and it made me happy he remembered what I said last week and made sure to give me what I needed. It was hard to tell him I needed that, so it builds another level of trust for him to make sure to follow through for me.

The only thing that isn't working is the title Master for me, except during sex. He asked me why I didn't think it was working and the only answer I could figure out was that it strikes me as pretty formal and our relationship isn't really all that formal, in terms of D/s outside the bedroom (which is probably why it doesn't bother me during sex). Any suggestions for a bit less formal title for my Dom? He'd love the title Daddy, but I have issues with that due to my father. I know I asked for help on this before but I wanted to ask again now that I have more of a general idea at least of what I want and need

Thanks!
 
@KC43

I haven't read the other responses, so I'm probably repeating things that have already been said, but I thought I'd throw my two cents in anyway. The safest way to find a dominant partner is to actually spend some time in the kink social scene, make friends, and find out who's respected and trusted and who's not.

Fetlife is a social networking site like Facebook, not a dating site like OKC, so it's actually perfect for this approach. Make a profile, find social and educational events near you, and start attending. Be open about your interests and what you're looking for, but make it clear that you're not looking to jump into anyone's arms until you've had a chance to scope out the scene for a while. Maybe go to a play party or two and engage in light, casual pickup play (i.e. picking up a partner at the party, ONLY engaging in activities with them at the party, where there are monitors around to help ensure everyone's safety, and making it clear that there's no expectation for future involvement).

Once you feel comfortable on a friend-level with some people, and have met or played with someone who interests you as a dominant, ask your new friends and casual play partners whether they know the person, or if they know other people who do. If the other person is so new that they have zero connections to others, then leave them alone for now. But if the person has been around for a little while, you should be able to find others who will either vouch for them or warn you away.

If that all sounds a bit more involved than regular dating, it is, and it should be. You're potentially putting your emotional, physical, and/or mental well-being in someone else's hands in a pretty deep way! You really want to get some references of character first.
 
@Hannah

How about Mister?
 
We only dabbled, but I like calling Lotus "Boss-Lady" (or "Boss-Lady-Ma'am" if I was feeling ornery). She was mostly "Pretty Lady" other times (which is what MrS calls her when he is missing her). I am in no way, shape or form a "lady," so there was this element of her "training" me that my "little" appreciated.

Maybe adding an endearment or qualifier would make it seem less "formal"? Or adding an honorific?

Boss-Man ("Sir-Boss-Man" if ornery)("Lover-Boss-Man" if affectionate)
Handsome-Dude
Sweet-Mister/Master
Gentle-Sir
MY-Prince
Sir-Sexy
Etc.
 
@KC

I went back and read your later comment above and saw the bit about social anxiety. Do you have a good friend who might be willing to go to munches with you the first few times? The friend doesn't need to actually be kinky to attend a social event. Maybe your husband would even be willing to do it? You could promise not to flirt while he's present, just to socialize, if that would make him more comfortable.

One more thought -- if you've been wanting a dominant partner for some time, your first real D/s relationship may well make you experience an unprecedented level of NRE. Let yourself enjoy it, but be careful to reserve a small, rational spot in your mind that remembers that it's just NRE, to help ensure that you're acting wisely and seeing clearly. Consider your new dominant partner to be "on probation" in your mind for at least the first month or so... give them time to show their true colors. Even with references, a person may not be mature enough or considerate enough to truly be a great choice.
 
AnnabelMore said:
@Hannah

How about Mister?
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I remember you saying you called your D/s partner that, Annabel, but something about it doesn't work for me. Maybe I associate it with school, since that's the only place I used it. Growing up Mormon, any adult was Sister Smith or Brother Jones.
 
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