BDSM discussion

Lemondrop, is it the activity itself, or is it how you would feel if he did it to you? I know there are activities that Maca and I participate in that GG would NEVER participate in with me. Goes against the very grain of his nature. At the same time, he seems to be ok with me doing them with Maca.

I wonder if maybe you are struggling with really feeling internally that whatever it is that Easy is doing, it's what makes Asha FEEL like a woman, feel loved, wanted, needed, safe, secure, etc. Maybe you aren't fully accepting that these things make her feel the way you would long for her to feel?

It's sort of like the book "The Five Love Languages" (in a somewhat twisted way). Each person has their own love language so if we want them to feel loved, we need to give them love in THEIR language. Maybe this is hers, and while you may intellectually get that, you aren't really internalizing it. Therefore, you still feel like it's humiliating and degrading to her.
 
LovingRadiance said:
RP- He wasn't making a list for a Dominant should be like. This was a post SPECIFICALLY about what a Master/slave relationship is, OPPOSED to what a Dom/sub relationship is..

My point behind posting it is that Master/slave is one form of D/s.

I know that your BDSM experiences differ from ours, but ours AND yours also differ from what is defined as a "Master/slave" relationship.
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LovingRadiance said:
I don't necessarily agree with what I quoted.
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Its not so much what he says, as how he says it. The broad generalizations of what HE thinks it is. There was no mention of this is MY version, just that this is it, end of story, no discussion. If you are reading this and want this, these are the rules.

I disliked that. They are his rules.

I am not a rule follower and therefore will not follow HIS ideas to the tee. Sure, he has some ideas, but did not present them as such. He presented them as the law. Anyone else is not practicing properly. Much like poly, there are some basic principles that carry over to all relationships, but one builds from there and creates their own relationships from that.

I get what the point was. This was just an add on. The net is filled with information that comes from specific peoples points of view. Why do they not say that then? It is THEIR relationships that they are talking about, not mine.

I have given no indication as to the details of my relationships with those I practice with. I am sure that there is speculation and people's minds have wandered, but I have been private about the root of my engagement on a BDsm level, as it is not something I wish to make public. Each relationship I have has subtleties about it that are not up for discussion, debate or public display. This is partly why I am quick to anger with Dude here. My version is different and just as legitimate.
 
LovingRadiance said:
Is it the activity itself, or is it how you would feel if he did it to you?

...I wonder if maybe you are struggling with really feeling internally that whatever it is that Easy is doing, it's what makes (shit I forgot her name) ... Asha! Whew. makes Asha FEEL like a woman, feel loved, wanted, needed, safe, secure etc...

If you maybe aren't fully accepting that these things make her feel the way you would long for her to feel?...
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Yes, this is definitely part of it. I would feel bad if Easy treated me that way. I don't understand this part of either Asha or Easy, and I don't know how to reconcile that emotionally. I understand intellectually that if she has a problem, she can speak up at some point, but making my head and my heart click doesn't always come easily for me. In addition, it really bothers me to see that done to her, if it's something that would make me feel humiliated or mistreated. I don't know how to step back from that. I've been thinking that maybe I could ask her to schedule a time when we could talk about this, but I've been trying to assess whether this is something that I can work through on my own, and if not, what exactly my issue is.
 
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RP, I think the detail you are missing is this was from his own website. Disclaimers are generally put on a main page and not repeated over and over. Like my blog. I don't write in each entry "This is my version, you may have your own." That would be tedious for me and my readers.

Anyway, we concur. Everyone has their own ways of doing things. His way doesn't happen to be mine either.

Lemondrop, I don't have any good ideas on this one. It seems to me the simplest solution is to not participate. But simplest isn't always synonymous with best.
 
LovingRadiance said:
I think the detail you are missing is this was from his own website. Disclaimers are generally put on a main page and not repeated over and over.

Everyone has their own ways of doing things. His way doesn't happen to be mine either.
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Well, really I just needed it to be said, and now I have five million times. I think made my point far longer than I had intended. I feel rather like I am prolonging it at this point.

I hope we can chat in person sometime. I think we are far more on the same wave length than we both realize, at least about some of it.

Lemondrop, I'm wondering what purpose it serves to you being a witness to something that makes you uncomfortable. What is the purpose of you being around when they are engaging in this side of themselves? Could you not do something else and find things to occupy your time so that they can have a full BDsm life in whatever way suits them? Perhaps the trade-off could be that you have some private/intimate times with Easy to balance things out a bit and make you feel loved and appreciated for what you bring to the table. I don't do certain things around certain people because I know that they aren't comfortable. It's my duty to make sure they are respected and that they feel they are just as worthy of my attention, love and that they are appreciated. Could this idea not work in your situation?
 
redpepper said:
...To lemondrop, I'm wondering to what purpose it serves to you being a witness to something that makes you uncomfortable. What is the purpose of you being around when they are engaging in this side of themselves? Could you not do something else and find things to occupy your time so that they can have a full BDsm life in whatever way suits them? Perhaps the trade off could be that you have some private/intimate times with Easy to balance things out a bit and make you feel loved and appreciated for what you bring to the table. I don't do certain things around certain people because I know that they aren't comfortable. It's my duty to make sure they are respected and that they feel they are just as worthy of my attention, love and that they are appreciated. Could this idea not work in your situation...?
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Where's the smiley face with a grimace on it? It's tough to explain. Essentially, so far no one has felt comfortable separating from the group. I think Easy feels too much like it's cheating. I've suggested it a couple of times, and he keeps saying, "That's not what I signed up for. We're supposed to be in this together." I had issues in the past about being left out (again, hard to explain, but being excluded is still a big issue for me) and it's come around to be a snarl in this situation. But I'm reluctantly figuring out that there's no way around it here. Also, I think they're trying to reassure me that I'm still wanted because I think we're all being forced to admit that Sunday just can't do polyamory, and I just suck at hiding how much that hurts me.

I talked to Easy about this a bit. Our problem is that Easy has very little free time, so we talked five minutes here and ten minutes there, so none of this has been quality communication. I was worried that telling him I was uncomfortable would make him over-react, so I tried to lay the groundwork by discussing the fact that I feel like he and Asha haven't had a chance to explore the side of their relationship that they *most* wanted from each other. I'm trying to be the kindest, most considerate me I can be. I'm laying the groundwork for a solution, I think. I guess I was just hoping I could find a solution where I could be a part. :(
 
Why do you have to be a part of it? Why does everyone have to be "in it together" from the stand point of sex? Can it not morph into something different and more fitting for now?

You have said a few things here that I am going to repeat as I have known you for a long time. You started writing on here at the same time I did. You were one of the reasons I became addicted to this forum! :p Thanks! hahaha!

Sure, you took a long break, but from what you are saying now, it sounds like there have been changes. When you came into this it was because the four of you decided that you wanted to be family. You decided over a night of drinking lemondrops, remember? You loved that your kids could be together, that you could home school together. I remember all that. All good intentions, but over the course of a year things changed, as you settled into it all after the NRE with each other and with poly.

There is no reason I can see that it should stay the same. Nothing stays the same. You have discovered that you are not into certain things, that one of you isn't all that into poly, that two of you are into sexual activities that the others aren't, etc. So talk about it. This is the time to be honest and lay aside time to update each other, otherwise the whole year of creating a life together, that includes your kids as well, will blow apart. This is where resentment starts settling in, where communication begins to erode and little bits of information get left out.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with changing your quad into a vee or a triad. What would be wrong with that? You haven't failed, just that things have changed and the cards have fallen where they are supposed to have fallen. You are allowed to make your own boundaries and guidelines with this, remember?

It worries me that you feel the need to be involved every time and that your husband is saying you have to be. It's a red flag to me. You've seen it all before, them having sex, I mean. What difference would it make to the negative, if you are there or not? The difference would be that they can finally explore each other in private. That is an important need we all have, privacy. The other would be that you would gain some confidence in the fact that he loves you and so does she. I would suggest walking through that feeling you get when you imagine them together alone and see what the other side looks like. I bet that you will see that the change is for the better, rather than for the worse.
 
Interesting discussions "What about Cuckolding?"

I have read all of the posts to this thread. What an interesting array of thoughts and debates.

I have taken a Dominant path over the past 15 years of my life. I would say that I am a natural FemDom, and those that know me tend to agree.

As I have allowed myself to experience needs, events, women and men when I feel the attraction, I have enjoyed the results of the experiences that I have been able to share with others. Most are great. The odd one is not so great, so it happens and I move on to the next. That's LIFE!

In my world I am most definitely branded as a FemDom. I am also termed in some circles as a Cuckoldrice, Hotwife and a few other terms that do not really bother me, but I will not post them with respect to the forum. I am wondering if there are others here that fall into this lifestyle.
 
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A little SELF SATISFACTION

I posted to the BDsm thread, I did not mean to intrude, probably why I did not get an answer. I apologize if it looked like I was intruding.
 
You weren't intruding. I started that thread but I didn't answer because I didn't fit your curiosity. Don't feel like you can't write on that thread though. It's free to all to write on it!!
 
Wouldn't THAT be nice? We have been to a fetish B&B in Sauble Beach. Very nice. I'm not sure if it's still running since one of the owners died last year. I put the question to the local group and will let you know when I find out.

Robin
 
It's only a few years old. It's out in the back country some ways but still within driving distance of the beach & retail therapy :D.
 
lol Yes. It's a tourist area, of course there's going to be retail therapy! There's even a flea market! Sauble is where I got my slave bracelet, actually. I love it. Unfortunately, I've put on some weight, so it no longer fits the way I like it to. :(
 
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