Bi gf wants to open up for her to be with girls

Okay. I see the last bit has been addressed. Moving very swiftly on. The reason I'd argue that you do need to buy what I am selling is because of what you originally said wasn't fair.

Firstly, it's important to understand that your mindset about this isn't anything new to most of us. Most of us have heard every single reason why people feel they must have gender based restrictions and seen where and why they work out over the long term for only a minority of people.

With your case, I'm guessing that your partner doesn't want you to date women for pretty much the same reasons you don't want her to date men: Fear of replacement. You feel that another man would naturally threaten your positon as her man in ways that a woman would not. She feels the same about other women. The thing is, she is bi and you are not. So that leaves her with the option of dating women and you the option of learning to be attracted to men to achieve some sort of equality in an open relationship. You said you don't feel this is fair. You can't help that you aren't bi.

That's why I am suggesting that the way forward is to both accept that a gender based restriction will not protect your relationship. Monogamy won't even guarantee that neither of you will fall out of the love with the other or in love with someone else. If you can both work on developing a different mindset, it will allow you both the freedom to date who you are attracted to rather than creating an unequal situation where you are forced to accept a One sided open relationship due to your sexuality.

You might be interested to know that I have known of bisexual people in heterosexual relationships who have tricked their partner into doing emotional labour that they were not prepared to do by encouraging them to pursue these lines of thought. What they ended up with is a monogamous partner taking care of the house and family duties while they got to have fun and sexy nights with other people of the same sex. Some of those would become deeply entangled relationships. I'd make sure that isn't happening to you.


Nope, still not buying.

It will not be onesided as I can have casual sex with women, quite possibly with a friend of hers. She lives almost next door so I guess there is a chance that every time my gf goes on a date I will be getting some attention to myself. If not, it is not that big of a deal.
 
I have no problem with the gender restriction if she's fine with it. It depends on her motivation. If she, in fact, wants to date guys too, then I'm not sure it will work.

But I'm not sure 'compromise' without deep understanding and acceptance is enough here.
I see you're taking on responsibility for making the agreement. That's nice, and it helps conflict resolution later. But if you DO become resentful, then what? Do you expect yourself to suck it up? And if she can't handle the first time you're with another girl and she can't handle it, do you expect her to suck it up?

I hope not.
Poly doesn't work under such a rigid mindset. Every rigid unchangeable agreement you make will come back to hunt you - just as your monogamous agreements aren't working for your girlfriend now.

What I encourage you to do instead is baby steps.
Maybe your "open just for girls" agreement will work for you eventually.
But for now, go slow and commit to doing inner work as you go on - both of you. Try to understand with an open mind what she's missing in a monogamous relationship. Read up on open relationships more. Visit a poly meeting and a swinger's club and just talk to the people there, see what good stuff they get out of being open. Go to a kink event, if that's your thing. Invite a girl out just for dinner. Let your gf snuggle with a friend (if they are up for it), and just see if anything about your relationship changed. Disentangle a bit, think about granting each other more independence. Examine your beliefs about sex and why sexual exclusivity is needed.

Keep a goal in mind (like partially open with both people happy), and work towards it, always just stretching as far as possible at the moment.

Well she has to be fine if she wants to open up. Otherwise it is not happening. If she wants to date guys, our relationship is over.

I fully expect me to suck it up, as it is something I agreed on. I expect her to suck it up too, if she wants to continue with the likely agreement. I can be sure about myself, I do have some hobbies I would like to spend some more time with in case I am not getting enough attention from other people. What I can't be sure about is her but she will not have her cake and eat it too. Suck it up or break up.

The latter part of your post is good advice. I will bring that up with her if we end up agreeing. I am actually hoping for a slow start so that we can both get comfortable with things.

I don't get why are you talking about sexual exclusivity when this is something we could both agree on. Non exclusivity.
 
Nope, still not buying.

It will not be onesided as I can have casual sex with women, quite possibly with a friend of hers. She lives almost next door so I guess there is a chance that every time my gf goes on a date I will be getting some attention to myself. If not, it is not that big of a deal.

Then I don't see what the thread is about. You said she doesn't like you seeing women but it seems you can anyway.

If your bisexual girlfriend wants to have sex with other people she is attracted to and you can do the same, what isn't fair?

If you're talking now about the risk of her reneging on the agreement, I'd argue it's pretty high because you both have this mindset about gender. You're not happily opening your relationship to allow sex and/or love with others, you're both making value based sacrifices to compromise. So yes, the chances of her Fear of Replacement overshadowing your relationships with other women are very high.
 
I don't get why are you talking about sexual exclusivity when this is something we could both agree on. Non exclusivity.
Because you can't ditch the old mindset that easily. You still have some beliefs about how she SHOULD be monogamous, although you go on to agree otherwise. People usually struggle with these, even when they've already been nonmonogamous for quite some time.
 
Then I don't see what the thread is about. You said she doesn't like you seeing women but it seems you can anyway.

If your bisexual girlfriend wants to have sex with other people she is attracted to and you can do the same, what isn't fair?

If you're talking now about the risk of her reneging on the agreement, I'd argue it's pretty high because you both have this mindset about gender. You're not happily opening your relationship to allow sex and/or love with others, you're both making value based sacrifices to compromise. So yes, the chances of her Fear of Replacement overshadowing your relationships with other women are very high.

Well the premise has shifted a bit. She does not want me to date other women but she is ok with just sex if she gets to date girls. I think I have said that somewhere here.

If we do agree then she gets to date girls who she is attracted to. I get to have sex with girls I find fuckable. That is fair enough for me.

I am also fine with reverting back to monogamy.

What I am not fine is guys in this equation.
 
Because you can't ditch the old mindset that easily. You still have some beliefs about how she SHOULD be monogamous, although you go on to agree otherwise. People usually struggle with these, even when they've already been nonmonogamous for quite some time.

Well obviously it will not happen before we agree on this. As I said, your advice was good before. I think we should take it very slow before agreeing to anything.

If we agree, then that exclusivity is not a problem. As long as it is only women we are talking about ;)
 
Well the premise has shifted a bit. She does not want me to date other women but she is ok with just sex if she gets to date girls. I think I have said that somewhere here.

If we do agree then she gets to date girls who she is attracted to. I get to have sex with girls I find fuckable. That is fair enough for me.

I am also fine with reverting back to monogamy.

What I am not fine is guys in this equation.

Okay again, and this is experience talking. Have you met many women who are fine with "just sex"?

There are lots of women who are open to casual relationships which don't progress down traditional channels like marriage and moving in together. But hearing "just sex" and the added restriction of "can't be dating" is off putting for many. Sort of feels like a sex toy.

There's probably a hundred threads with guys coming in and saying that people aren't interested in them for reasons along these lines.

I think your best best at longevity with this partner is that you accept she will be dating other women, likely with significant emotional entanglement, and you'll be monogamous to her with fun hobbies like golf or whatever to occupy your time. If breaking up is extremely undesirable, I wouldn't risk you seeing other women under those conditions of "just sex, no dating".
 
Okay again, and this is experience talking. Have you met many women who are fine with "just sex"?

There are lots of women who are open to casual relationships which don't progress down traditional channels like marriage and moving in together. But hearing "just sex" and the added restriction of "can't be dating" is off putting for many. Sort of feels like a sex toy.

There's probably a hundred threads with guys coming in and saying that people aren't interested in them for reasons along these lines.

I think your best best at longevity with this partner is that you accept she will be dating other women, likely with significant emotional entanglement, and you'll be monogamous to her with fun hobbies like golf or whatever to occupy your time. If breaking up is extremely undesirable, I wouldn't risk you seeing other women under those conditions of "just sex, no dating".

How old are you?

I am in my prime. There are a lot of girls who are hitting on me when I go out, even with a ring on my finger. I know many of them are just flirting for fun but there are many times when I get invited to their place. Which I think is a secret codeword for sex. I could be wrong but I doubt it.

Also I think I mentioned her friend who happens to be quite hot. She is in a situation which limits her dating options and she and my gf have joked plenty of times about lending me to her. I have thought that as a joke but when my gf suggested that I should "start helping her out" I was quite sure that they weren't just jokes. She also lives practically next door so if things go well, I could visit her about every time my gf goes on a date. But who knows.

Anyway, thanks for your concern. I do have hobbies which would occupy my time if things aren't as well as I thought. Some of these hobbies are the kind of hobbies where I meet cute girls all the time. ;)
 
How old are you?

I am in my prime. There are a lot of girls who are hitting on me when I go out, even with a ring on my finger. I know many of them are just flirting for fun but there are many times when I get invited to their place. Which I think is a secret codeword for sex. I could be wrong but I doubt it.

Also I think I mentioned her friend who happens to be quite hot. She is in a situation which limits her dating options and she and my gf have joked plenty of times about lending me to her. I have thought that as a joke but when my gf suggested that I should "start helping her out" I was quite sure that they weren't just jokes. She also lives practically next door so if things go well, I could visit her about every time my gf goes on a date. But who knows.

Anyway, thanks for your concern. I do have hobbies which would occupy my time if things aren't as well as I thought. Some of these hobbies are the kind of hobbies where I meet cute girls all the time. ;)

Old enough to have seen how this implodes a million times. Good luck. Please do report back with your successes. It will definitely change the narrative many of us have experienced
 
Old enough to have seen how this implodes a million times. Good luck. Please do report back with your successes. It will definitely change the narrative many of us have experienced

I am a bit confused now. You are saying that there would be some kind of lack of success yet at the same time you are promoting the idea that I should allow my gf virtually limitless pool of guys wanting to do her?

I mean. How that would be any better? :D
 
One Penis Policy for the win.

Go you.
 
Also I think I mentioned her friend who happens to be quite hot. She is in a situation which limits her dating options and she and my gf have joked plenty of times about lending me to her. I have thought that as a joke but when my gf suggested that I should "start helping her out" I was quite sure that they weren't just jokes. She also lives practically next door so if things go well, I could visit her about every time my gf goes on a date. But who knows.
Go out and have one night sex with women who want just that - as long as you're honest in advance that this is just for the night, I don't see a problem.

But the situation with your gf's friend is way more complicated. If you fuck a girl in distress more than a few times, she's almost guaranteed to fall in love. If she does, than either you do as well, and then you're dealing with not just a bit open, but full-on poly with all it's difficulties and conflicting commitments. Which you don't seem to want.
Or, you don't love her, and then she'll be longing and unhappy and ultimately will have to distance herself. Which means you're fine - but your gf has lost a friend.

So this is likely to go wrong. Perhaps it won't if you know what you're doing. Be very careful and honest with everyone involved about intention, consent, pitfalls, ok?

Keep us posted how it goes, if you can handle the disagreement. There's also a possibility to block certain forum members so that you don't see their posts, if you need to.
 
If you are so in your prime that women fall at you feet begging you to take them home then why are you so insecure and threatened by the thought that your partner will run of and dump you for another? BTW another woman can replace you just as easily as a man.

It is because you now realize that you are not all that and can be replaced? A real man is secure in himself and would realize that if he is a good partner that his partner(s) will not replace him in their life.

By the way you are coming across as a spoiled child throwing their toys out of the pram because they are not getting their way.
 
I am a bit confused now. You are saying that there would be some kind of lack of success yet at the same time you are promoting the idea that I should allow my gf virtually limitless pool of guys wanting to do her?

I mean. How that would be any better? :D

As I know you'll be back reading these messages, I'll reply. It will be better if you and your partner both accept that you'll have outside relationships that may or may not involve emotions as well as sex and that these relationships will be with people who attract you. So for you that will be women. For her, men and women.

That way, you can sit down and decide if a friend is too risky given the friendship might be ruined as most relationships do not last until death. You don't have to objectify people or dump them just because they inevitably develop an attachment after having sex a few times. Or because you do.

You can think about those absolutes (we only have kids together; no shared finances with other people) and how you'll realistically avoid them.
 
And she has a one vagina policy (hers) - for him only. They both need to reevaluate before trying anything.

He wrote: She does not want me to date other women but she is ok with just sex if she gets to date girls.

She's relented.
 
Yeah I said I will not be back but I am now royally screwed and this seems like a good place to vent.

So my gf told me that she wanted me to go first because this is her idea and she set me up for a lunch with her friend. It was fun, she is really nice and really, really hot. No problems there. Later she went to watch her sisters kids overnight which she usually does only on weekends. Did not think much about that. A bit later her friend asked me to come to help her with installing a new sauna stove. I help her out a lot, mainly because she does not date due to her being too busy with work stuff.

It was a lot of work but she kept me my beer glass full all the times so I had fun doing that. After it was done, she asked me to join her to test the thing. I was not sure but as my gf had encouraged me about her I thought why not. Omfg she has the best body I have ever seen live. Drop dead gorgeous. After the sauna, we had few after sauna drinks and somehow I ended up kissing with her ln her bed.

Aaand I spent the might there. We had sex few timez.



Now I am feeling that this was way too convenient and this has to be a set up for me. I failed something and this will have some bad concequences for me. I am in a big trouble. My gf texted me with way too normal stuff, there was absolutely no teasing me about her friend which has always been a thing if I have done somehing to help her. Yeah. She has something planned to make my life miserable. Is she a lesbian and wants to break up? Is this a trap for her to get fuck with guys? Is she just breaking up with me? Idk and I have to wait for 8 hours to find out what this is and I am going crazy right now.

This sucks. :(
 
Now I am feeling that this was way too convenient and this has to be a set up for me. I failed something and this will have some bad concequences for me. I am in a big trouble. My gf texted me with way too normal stuff, there was absolutely no teasing me about her friend which has always been a thing if I have done somehing to help her. Yeah. She has something planned to make my life miserable. Is she a lesbian and wants to break up? Is this a trap for her to get fuck with guys? Is she just breaking up with me? Idk and I have to wait for 8 hours to find out what this is and I am going crazy right now.
Ok, listen. Your gf's goal is NOT to make you miserable. She wants you comfortable with poly/open. So if this was a comfortable night for you, maybe she's just happy. Don't pre-worry if you don't know what's going on.

I'm not sure if sex with the friend right away was within your agreements. If it wasn't, you've gone wrong your gf is probably mad. If it was, she may be either ok or jealous or both. You will have to find out.
If the agreement wasn't clear, apologize, call it a lesson, and make better agreements next time, or check in with her if unsure.

What you do now is schedule a long date, or two dates with your gf: One to talk about stuff (and be honest), and one to have a nice evening, maybe go to a sauna and have sex :) and reassure your gf that you still love her.

What you do not do is agree on stuff that would make you miserable, like her dating guys, just because you feel guilty about going too fast.
 
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