Bi gf wants to open up for her to be with girls

I'm sorry you did not follow your own intent and now regret it.

Your thoughts about your girlfriend's motivations sound to me like you neither fully know nor trust her. You are afraid you have broken trust and suggest she is untrustworthy enough to have set you up. That is no way to live. Is this specific to her or is it a pattern in your romantic relationships?

Leetah
 
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It might have been a trap. You're absolutely right. Now you're forced to admit that a) having sex with someone else hasn't negated your feelings for your girlfriend, b) that having sex with someone the same gender as her is not a direct threat to her, c) that you have to appease her needs now and d) that you likely cannot be trusted to keep agreements.

She'd have grounds now to insist that she have sex with whoever she wants while you slowly prove over time that you're trustworthy enough to even watch porn.

This is why it would have been far easier to just remain closed or do the work necessary to open your relationship without arbitrary restrictions.

It's isn't all doom and gloom though. Plenty of couples have made it back from this point.
 
I could not wait to see her and confessed the whole thing to her. She said that she already knows, appreciates me coming clean with this and not to worry. We will discuss something later.

Phew.
 
Ok, listen. Your gf's goal is NOT to make you miserable. She wants you comfortable with poly/open. So if this was a comfortable night for you, maybe she's just happy. Don't pre-worry if you don't know what's going on.

I'm not sure if sex with the friend right away was within your agreements. If it wasn't, you've gone wrong your gf is probably mad. If it was, she may be either ok or jealous or both. You will have to find out.
If the agreement wasn't clear, apologize, call it a lesson, and make better agreements next time, or check in with her if unsure.

What you do now is schedule a long date, or two dates with your gf: One to talk about stuff (and be honest), and one to have a nice evening, maybe go to a sauna and have sex :) and reassure your gf that you still love her.

What you do not do is agree on stuff that would make you miserable, like her dating guys, just because you feel guilty about going too fast.

I should read this earlier. I think you might be right about this.

She wanted me to go first and encouraged me to have a go at her friend. I was the one who did not exactly agree on her suggestions.

I think I will do just that. I feel so relieved when she told me not to worry about this.
 
I'm sorry you did not follow your own intent and now regret it.

Your thoughts about your girlfriend's motivations sound to me like you neither fully know nor trust her. You are afraid you have broken trust and suggest she is untrustworthy enough to have set you up. That is no way to live. Is this specific to her or is it a pattern in your romantic relationships?

Leetah

That was a guilt trip. Nothing more.
 
It might have been a trap. You're absolutely right. Now you're forced to admit that a) having sex with someone else hasn't negated your feelings for your girlfriend, b) that having sex with someone the same gender as her is not a direct threat to her, c) that you have to appease her needs now and d) that you likely cannot be trusted to keep agreements.

She'd have grounds now to insist that she have sex with whoever she wants while you slowly prove over time that you're trustworthy enough to even watch porn.

This is why it would have been far easier to just remain closed or do the work necessary to open your relationship without arbitrary restrictions.

It's isn't all doom and gloom though. Plenty of couples have made it back from this point.

This goes to this post and the one you made before, still not buying what you are selling.
 
If you are so in your prime that women fall at you feet begging you to take them home then why are you so insecure and threatened by the thought that your partner will run of and dump you for another? BTW another woman can replace you just as easily as a man.

It is because you now realize that you are not all that and can be replaced? A real man is secure in himself and would realize that if he is a good partner that his partner(s) will not replace him in their life.

By the way you are coming across as a spoiled child throwing their toys out of the pram because they are not getting their way.

Out of curiosity, what are you tryimg to accomplish with this? Do you actually think that you could bully someone in to accepting your ideology by trying to insult them?

Or are you just a butthurt feminist who does not like something what she sees and reeeeee in holy rage?

I really don't know which one this would be.
 
Out of curiosity, what are you tryimg to accomplish with this? Do you actually think that you could bully someone in to accepting your ideology by trying to insult them?

Or are you just a butthurt feminist who does not like something what she sees and reeeeee in holy rage?

I really don't know which one this would be.


Lol... Nope not a feminist. Actually I am disgusted with the current treatment of men in our society. Most of my friends are men.

I was just calling a spade a spade. Your statements about children and women in this thread are disgusting. Would you want a man to treat your mother or sister the way you have been behaving?

If you want to have sex with people outside your relationship and approach it ethically then do so. But the whole I am going to bang her friend revenge mentally is immature.
 
Lol... Nope not a feminist. Actually I am disgusted with the current treatment of men in our society. Most of my friends are men.

I was just calling a spade a spade. Your statements about children and women in this thread are disgusting. Would you want a man to treat your mother or sister the way you have been behaving?

If you want to have sex with people outside your relationship and approach it ethically then do so. But the whole I am going to bang her friend revenge mentally is immature.

I find this very interesting.

My comments about children are easy to see. I said that I don't want to raise a kid who is not mine. How on earth is that disgusting?

This might be stupid of me to ask, since you think that is disgusting. Which of my comments about women were disgusting?

Actually I am doing everything according to my own ethics. You can do the same with your own ethics and I am not going to judge you on that.
 
Well this is getting weird.

She has someone in mind. She came home and the first thing she said that do I accept her. It is her friend, the same one I spent last night with who she is interested in. I guess I should have seen that.

I have never seen her with a man and now that busy with work sounds like an excuse. She has been weird about her for a long time and I have just thought that she is teasing me for fun. She has asked me about threesomes and I said that I don't want that. She has hinted at having a threesome with the friend. I am so blind. From what I gathered from a shirt conversation, she would be dating her and I could sleep with her if we wanted to. I just don't know about that anymore.

I think that it would be impossible to keep things the way I could manage, keeping her stuff to herself. This is too close, everything would be in my face and every problem she/they would be having would be also my problem. I don't want to be responsible for any other girl, not at all.
 
I think that it would be impossible to keep things the way I could manage, keeping her stuff to herself. This is too close, everything would be in my face and every problem she/they would be having would be also my problem. I don't want to be responsible for any other girl, not at all.
I think, if you don't want a triad, that is very reasonable judgement.
Regardless from whether your gf "dates" this other girl (please choose a nickname), I think you could refrain from having any further sex with her.

Has she already been sexual with that friend? Do you feel betrayed?

It seems your gf is trying to "make things easier" on you in a way that doesn't help. It's bad judgement on her part that you would be less threatened by a person you also had sex with, and dishonesty in not telling you.
 
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I think, if you don't want a triad, that is very reasonable judgement.
Regardless from whether your gf "dates" this other girl (please choose a nickname), I think you could refrain from having any further sex with her.

Has she already been sexual with that friend? Do you feel betrayed?

Okay so my gf is X from now on and her friend Y. If that is what you meant.

If X is not going to date Y then why should I refrain from having sex with her? I just think that they will be dating and that is a concern now. It is quite funny that Y does not seem so hot any more when I think of them being together. Wonder why that would be? She is literally the definition of hot.

No, they haven't been sexual or nothing like that. I do feel a bit betrayed, I think. I assume that if it wasn't for Y we would not be talking about opening up. On the other hand, this has been on the table for a long time and I really appreciate X for not forcing the issue before.

Noticed your edit:

I disagree. I think that is extremely helpful. Not telling me about this is somewhat concerning but I do understand her. I have been very strong on my opinions about opening up.
 
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Ok, so your gf Xena wants to date Yvonne :D (It's a forum guideline to choose names, because they are easier to read, remember, relate. You can change them.)
No, they haven't been sexual or nothing like that. I do feel a bit betrayed, I think. I assume that if it wasn't for Y we would not be talking about opening up. On the other hand, this has been on the table for a long time and I really appreciate X for not forcing the issue before.

Noticed your edit:

I disagree. I think that is extremely helpful. Not telling me about this is somewhat concerning but I do understand her. I have been very strong on my opinions about opening up.
I see.
 
If X is not going to date Y then why should I refrain from having sex with her? I just think that they will be dating and that is a concern now.
Exactly. Either you stay closed, and then neither of you has sex with Yvonne. Or, you open up, and then the two of them wish to date. Unless you feel up to a triad, you could stay out of it and find other girls.
 
I'll go with the suggested nicknames so far but if you want to change them I'll go with what you pick.

Let me repeat back what I understand so far. I quote just to visually block it off. You correct me if I get bits wrong, ok?

You have a GF you live with. Call her Xena. (X) You guys have been together for 6 years.

She has this friend and neighbor. Call her Yvonne. (Y) You sometimes help Yvonne out with house stuff.

Xena wanted to open the relationship so she can date women.

You did not want to do an Open or Poly relationship. Initially Xena wanted to date women, but you don't see anyone. Then Xena agreed to her dating women and you sharing casual sex with women as the compromise. You agreed to that even though you prefer Closed because you think that Closed option is becoming harder to get every day.

Xena then wanted you to go first at having something outside the relationship and encouraged you to have a go at her friend Yvonne. She set you up for lunch with Yvonne and then went to sit with her sister's kid.

Yvonne asked you to come help with the sauna stove and kept your beer full. It led to kissing/making out/sex with Yvonne.

You felt weird about it all -- like "too easy" or "a set up." Only to come and find that Xena now wants to date Yvonne and is asking you about threesomes together.

What's that all about? Was this a ploy between them?

You feel betrayed.

Is that how it went? If so, I agree. This all sounds way too weird.

Are are being railroaded into all this when really you just prefer being Closed? If you are suspecting this was a set up somehow to pave the way for Xena? In your shoes I'd feel kinda used.

Like... date the neighbor lady if she wants WITHOUT all this weird ramp up involving you in it.

Or do not date the friend/neighbor lady at all because she's the neighbor and that is hard for you to avoid/not be in your face.

I think you have to lay your cards plain on the table when you talk to Xena and be firmer about your personal boundaries.

  • That you prefer Closed.

  • And if it isn't going to be Closed, then you prefer to choose your OWN partners.
  • You do not want Xena "setting things up for you" with her friends or using you as some kind of gateway to dating others. Just date them herself without involving you.

Since you voice concerns about things being in your face, not wanting Xena/their problems to be your problems, and not wanting to be responsible for other girls?

Best you find your own FWBs. Then you don't have to be dealing with this weird.

Galagirl
 
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Ok, so your gf Xena wants to date Yvonne :D (It's a forum guideline to choose names, because they are easier to read, remember, relate. You can change them.)
I see.

I don't like using names and it is especially weird that Yvonne is my girlfriends name. :D

So yes, that is the case.
 
Exactly. Either you stay closed, and then neither of you has sex with Yvonne. Or, you open up, and then the two of them wish to date. Unless you feel up to a triad, you could stay out of it and find other girls.

I respect your opinions but I would like to hear the reasoning behind this? Why would not Y be an option if they were not to date?
 
I'll go with the suggested nicknames so far but if you want to change them I'll go with what you pick.

Let me repeat back what I understand so far. I quote just to visually block it off. You correct me if I get bits wrong, ok?



Is that how it went? If so, I agree. This all sounds way too weird.

Are are being railroaded into all this when really you just prefer being Closed? If you are suspecting this was a set up somehow to pave the way for Xena? In your shoes I'd feel kinda used.

Like... date the neighbor lady if she wants WITHOUT all this weird ramp up involving you in it.

Or do not date the friend/neighbor lady at all because she's the neighbor and that is hard for you to avoid/not be in your face.

I think you have to lay your cards plain on the table when you talk to Xena and be firmer about your personal boundaries.

  • That you prefer Closed.

  • And if it isn't going to be Closed, then you prefer to choose your OWN partners.
  • You do not want Xena "setting things up for you" with her friends or using you as some kind of gateway to dating others. Just date them herself without involving you.

Since you voice concerns about things being in your face, not wanting Xena/their problems to be your problems, and not wanting to be responsible for other girls?

Best you find your own FWBs. Then you don't have to be dealing with this weird.

Galagirl

I wish you would not have quoted, it is missing from the reply box. I'll try to manage.

Yes, that sounds about right. I don't know if this was a ploy per se. I feel that it was more of a push towards something she wants. A desperate move I guess. Even though she admitted that she has really wanted that threesome for a long time. I don't feel bad about it after dinner chat.

I don't feel used at all. I feel relieved that this did not blow up to my face.

I'll make another post about what I heard.
 
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