Bisexual, ENM woman - where r they?

P

Pa_Ulla

New member
Hello everyone :)
Just found my courage to write and introduce myself and ultimately ..... my burning question.

I am in an ENM (F/M) relationship.... and we just decided to open up a little while ago. I have been on same dates (found the guys through online dating) and most have been fun, but I am looking for a long term relationship. Most of the man I meet are not really interested in it. They say so at the beginning, but when I tell them I want to get to know them better and not rush right into a sexual encounter..... Oh! Suddenly they have really busy work-schedules :ROFLMAO:
I have only dated man so far and - apologies if this sounds stupid and if I offend anyone by saying this - I am fairly good looking, with an athletic body, in my late 30ies - I want to be careful not to just become someones one-night-stand when I am actually looking for romance and love first/ sex & kink later ;-)

That being said.... when reflecting more on the possibility of finding a long-term partner, I actually think more and more that maybe I would love to be in a relationship with another woman. My ENM-partner and I have a great life together (every aspect of it is great: communication, adventure, sex, work etc.) and a woman could add an aspect that obviously my male partner can't. I love feminine, self-confident woman - I am very feminine and self-confident myself - but can laugh about myself a lot :-D

I have always been attracted to female bodies and had some encounters in my younger years. I keep noticing that I look at woman differently longing to meet them for a drink and getting to know them...... but how do I meet them? I looked on the internet, various dating sites, online fora, but I could not find a space specifically dedicated to woman who are bisexual. Yes, some dating Apps allow to specify what one is looking for, but that didn't result into anything.


My questions:
- I felt that the Lesbian community is not really interested in bisexual (Tried to join a Lesbian group and was denied due not not identifying as Lesbian but Bisexual)
Is there something I am missing? I was a bit taken aback from that experience, but happy if someone could educate me if I was doing something wrong.

- Where do I find other woman who are in ENM relationships and would like to have a girlfriend? Is there a specific App, place, website, blog, forum, universe....

Thank you and nice to meet you all :)
 
Hello and welcome to the forums! : )

I am straight myself so I'm not familiar with that experience; however, if you're looking for "your people", sometimes it just takes a while. : ) It took me a long time and found that those in BDSM/kinksters are more mine. I had to try different groups myself. I would like to encourage you to keep looking and to be you and nothing else because when you do find that group that feels like home, they will accept and care about you as you are!

dottie
 
Hi Dottie,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement. I am still very much in the closet as I am myself not quite sure what is going on with me.... or maybe I do know but am confused about it..... I might need a bit of time to order and understand my feelings, wants and needs.
 
Greetings Pa_Ulla,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I do not know of any dating sites/apps that are specifically geared towards finding bisexual women. And I have heard that the lesbian community isn't real thrilled about bisexual women. Have you tried FetLife? Sometimes it offers things (such as bisexual/ENM) that you can't find elsewhere. Alas, I don't have much information for you. Sometimes I think you just have to meet various people in real life and be very, very patient. I hope others will post here that are more helpful than me.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
Welcome, Pa_Ulla!

Have you tried setting up accounts on dating sites like OkCupid or Her?

Her is an app for queer women only. OkCupid is much more mainstream, so I don’t think I have to explain that one. :)

Either of them might be helpful! Be as descriptive of what you have to offer, what you’re like, and what you’re looking for as you can. It can take a long time to find a compatible partner, so patience is key as Kevin said.
 
Pa_Ulla said:
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement.
Click to expand...
You are most welcome. : )
Pa_Ulla said:
I am still very much in the closet as I am myself not quite sure what is going on with me.... or maybe I do know but am confused about it..... I might need a bit of time to order and understand my feelings, wants and needs.
Click to expand...
There is no rush. Several years back, I went searching for a solution for the difficulties I had with my then marriage and our sexual relationship and discovered that, after "trying on" several words, I'm demisexual. It took me some time and a lot of reading and self-reflection. I felt strange and out of sorts for a while, being so much older than everyone else that I'd run into. finding these new terms and definitions. I am familiar with those feelings. Feel them. Own them. Know you're not by yourself. : )

dottie
 
Thank you Kevin, Alluvion and Dottie!

I like what you say " after "trying on" several words" and "Feel them. Own them. Know you're not by yourself. : )"
That is awesome!!!!

Thank you!!!!
 
We are here! I used to have some good luck on OKCupid, but they changed how things work and it is harder to navigate now. I have texted with a few women on HER (mentioned above). I have a profile on #open and Feeld as well but there are a lot of unicorn hunters (Straight-M/Bi-F looking to date together) on those. I am terrible at texting and messaging, so I tend to forget to check back...
 
I would say the prevalence of unicorn hunters is exactly why bi ENM women aren't out there as much. They are being hunted. Yeah, I know that metaphor is a bit over the top, but like half the profiles I see on Feeld are unicorn hunters. Some of those are 'also' open to other couples, but again, what they are hoping for is the woman in the other couple is open to play.

If I were a bisexual woman, I'd be extremely wary due to this. I've seen some people that enjoy being unicorns, but it sounds exhausting to me. These basically monogamous couples want a bit of spice in their lives. A bisexual woman seems like the least threatening option (it's usually the man who is threatened of course, by other men). So, they seek out this mythical woman who will have sex with both of them but never favor one over the other or develop any conflicting feelings about anyone. Completely objectifying and dehumanizing. Of course, they will claim they aren't doing that. "No! We will respect this woman--we want her, after all." Uh huh, except that she has to follow all your relationship rules and fit into this box you've made for her.

Sorry...the "So you've been called a unicorn hunter" post covers this pretty well. But it really bothers me, and it's not helping people like the OP of this thread, who actually would be fine with a lesbian gf, it sounds like. However, if you are already coupled (especially with a man/woman coupling), the women who fit what the OP is wanting will be incredibly wary to join, because they are often tricked into these situations.
 
Hi, I am pansexual and so is my long-term female partner. We met in 2009 on OK Cupid. But I agree that Feeld seems to be the place for poly people of any sort to meet online these days. My (newly poly) male partner of two years has been meeting women on there.

I honestly don't know why bi or pansexual people have such difficulty finding each other. I blame our binary ideas about gender and desire. People, even gay ones, want everything to be black and white, I think. They obviously are not. There are lots of people who are bi who state they are either gay or straight to get their foot in the door of the dating realm. They say their dating pools increase that way. (Many men I have spoken to who were listed as straight ended up confessing to me that they were bi, once they realized I wouldn't judge them. Peer pressure is huge.)

For example: Some women start out as IDing as lesbians, only to realize they are actually transgender. So they begin to transition, but they are still in love with their female partner. They may continue to ID as a lesbian, or they may begin to ID as a straight man.

Anyway, as a pansexual woman, I am open to relationships with cis women, cis men or to people who are trans or gender-nonconforming. But in my poly (ENM) career, I have mostly been hit on by cis guys. Testosterone makes them bold (and extremely horny) and our status as ENM women is not understood well by most. They think that is code for: "Will fuck anyone who asks." It's extremely insulting and frustrating.

You have to do a lot of sorting the rare wheat from the overabundance of chaff.

As for women, I got really lucky to meet my female partner only a few months after I started using a dating site. In the ensuing years I have been hit on by hundreds of men. (And no, I am not young or lean, I am older and rather plus size. I was 53 when I divorced and began dating. But I'm not bad looking, and I am friendly.) I have had maybe three dozen first dates, fewer second dates, and have ended up in longish-term relationships (seven months to two and a half years) with about seven men, which have all ended. However, two years ago I met my current bf and I really believe he is "the one." His commitment and love are very apparent. It took me 11 years to meet him!

As for meeting women to date, who aren't just clueless unicorn hunters, it might take you as much time and work as it did for me to find one good man. Even bisexual women may not want to date you since you are "untried," i.e., have not actually dated women, apart from a few brief experiments when younger (I assume just a little fooling around).

It usually takes a long time to find friends and lovers with whom you click and who have real long-term compatibility. Patience is key. Taking breaks when you get burnt out is also helpful.
 
Openbook23 said:
I would say the prevalence of unicorn hunters is exactly why bi ENM women aren't out there as much. They are being hunted. Yeah, I know that metaphor is a bit over the top, but like half the profiles I see on Feeld are unicorn hunters. Some of those are 'also' open to other couples, but again, what they are hoping for is the woman in the other couple is open to play.

If I were a bisexual woman, I'd be extremely wary due to this. I've seen some people that enjoy being unicorns, but it sounds exhausting to me. These basically monogamous couples want a bit of spice in their lives. A bisexual woman seems like the least threatening option (it's usually the man who is threatened of course, by other men). So, they seek out this mythical woman who will have sex with both of them but never favor one over the other or develop any conflicting feelings about anyone. Completely objectifying and dehumanizing. Of course, they will claim they aren't doing that. "No! We will respect this woman--we want her, after all." Uh huh, except that she has to follow all your relationship rules and fit into this box you've made for her.

Sorry...the "So you've been called a unicorn hunter" post covers this pretty well. But it really bothers me, and it's not helping people like the OP of this thread, who actually would be fine with a lesbian gf, it sounds like. However, if you are already coupled (especially with a man/woman coupling), the women who fit what the OP is wanting will be incredibly wary to join, because they are often tricked into these situations.
Click to expand...
Yes I see what you mean... I am on Field as well
... (which I like in general and met quite a few interesting guys there .... one ghosted me after we had two hilarious, amazing dates.... super bizarre - but he just got a divorce.... anyways.... other story :) ...
I had lots of couples reach out and thats just not where I am right now - I actually find that to be a bit too intimidating....
 
JaneQSmythe said:
We are here! I used to have some good luck on OKCupid, but they changed how things work and it is harder to navigate now. I have texted with a few women on HER (mentioned above). I have a profile on #open and Feeld as well but there are a lot of unicorn hunters (Straight-M/Bi-F looking to date together) on those. I am terrible at texting and messaging, so I tend to forget to check back...
Click to expand...
Yay! Glad to hear you are out there..... not just me alone ...
 
JaneQSmythe said:
We are here! I used to have some good luck on OKCupid, but they changed how things work and it is harder to navigate now. I have texted with a few women on HER (mentioned above). I have a profile on #open and Feeld as well but there are a lot of unicorn hunters (Straight-M/Bi-F looking to date together) on those. I am terrible at texting and messaging, so I tend to forget to check back...
Click to expand...
I'll check out HER.....
Magdlyn said:
Hi, I am pansexual and so is my long-term female partner. We met in 2009 on OK Cupid. But I agree that Feeld seems to be the place for poly people of any sort to meet online these days. My (newly poly) male partner of two years has been meeting women on there.

I honestly don't know why bi or pansexual people have such difficulty finding each other. I blame our binary ideas about gender and desire. People, even gay ones, want everything to be black and white, I think. They obviously are not. There are lots of people who are bi who state they are either gay or straight to get their foot in the door of the dating realm. They say their dating pools increase that way. (Many men I have spoken to who were listed as straight ended up confessing to me that they were bi, once they realized I wouldn't judge them. Peer pressure is huge.)

For example: Some women start out as IDing as lesbians, only to realize they are actually transgender. So they begin to transition, but they are still in love with their female partner. They may continue to ID as a lesbian, or they may begin to ID as a straight man.

Anyway, as a pansexual woman, I am open to relationships with cis women, cis men or to people who are trans or gender-nonconforming. But in my poly (ENM) career, I have mostly been hit on by cis guys. Testosterone makes them bold (and extremely horny) and our status as ENM women is not understood well by most. They think that is code for: "Will fuck anyone who asks." It's extremely insulting and frustrating.

You have to do a lot of sorting the rare wheat from the overabundance of chaff.

As for women, I got really lucky to meet my female partner only a few months after I started using a dating site. In the ensuing years I have been hit on by hundreds of men. (And no, I am not young or lean, I am older and rather plus size. I was 53 when I divorced and began dating. But I'm not bad looking, and I am friendly.) I have had maybe three dozen first dates, fewer second dates, and have ended up in longish-term relationships (seven months to two and a half years) with about seven men, which have all ended. However, two years ago I met my current bf and I really believe he is "the one." His commitment and love are very apparent. It took me 11 years to meet him!

As for meeting women to date, who aren't just clueless unicorn hunters, it might take you as much time and work as it did for me to find one good man. Even bisexual women may not want to date you since you are "untried," i.e., have not actually dated women, apart from a few brief experiments when younger (I assume just a little fooling around).

It usually takes a long time to find friends and lovers with whom you click and who have real long-term compatibility. Patience is key. Taking breaks when you get burnt out is also helpful.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for sharing!
Totally agree with ENM being misunderstood..... thats even after explaining I don't do ONS- the guys still think they can persuade me... WTF - it's insulting and so annoying.

And correct - just some fooling around when I was younger, but I feel there are probably plenty of ENM woman out there who are interested in other woman :) ... thats at least what I tell myself :LOL:

ok... so patience is the secret sauce.... unfortunately im not very gifted in that department. I will have to learn....
Thanks again!
 
Don't give up. You'll find the right woman for you eventually.
 
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