Boundary crossed
- Thread starter Poly212
- Start date
That sounds problematic and maybe a bit desperate. Polyamory should include a joyful YES from all sides. Maybe you got too drunk when you were with the other woman because you really don't want to be doing this style of relationship.
It's not too much detail at all. We are a group of adults here, talking about human relationships, and love and sex are a large part of it.
That was a big mistake. It's not a great idea to get so drunk on a date that you mess up like this. I am sure you learned from your mistake and hopefully will change your future behavior, and not get so drunk that you risk catching a STD, passing it to your other partner, and possibly cause a pregnancy too. I hope your fling person gets tested for both STDs and pregnancy, and you get tested for STDs, as well.
This is definitely a common and understandable way to react to cheating and possibly exposing her to an STD and to you possibly conceiving a child with another person. Not everyone will react this way, but it does happen.
Why is she still talking to you if she broke up with you? What more is there to say? She's supposed to be done. Maybe you keep contacting her, begging her to take you back...
You could look into being a better person for yourself. You may be too dependent on this woman, and maybe she was looking for a reason to break up. You could stay broken up and actually go to therapy and see what is up with you being so dependent on her that you're doing poly against your own will. Maybe if you do 6-12 months of therapy, you can get back in touch and she might have a change of heart.
To rebuild trust, I'd recommend you do not talk to her for at least a couple of weeks. Stop begging. Let the initial shock and horror die down. Get yourself tested for STDs. Make sure the woman you finished inside of is not pregnant. (If she is-- good luck, that's a whole other story.)
If you test clean, and the other woman isn't pregnant, then you need to look at your issue with alcohol. It sounds like you tend to overdo it. Maybe you need counseling for this.
Then you can go back to your (ex) gf and tell her what you've been doing to make amends. Give her a chance to miss you first though. Maybe she will give you a second chance.
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Just to clarify--the girl you "literally cannot live without" is your serious partner, and not the new girl that came over and you had no-condom sex with?
I'm sorry you struggle.
That doesn't sound like joyful consent to practice poly. And what KIND of poly was it supposed to be? Where both of you date other people to share both love and sex?
What education did you do as a newbie? Is she a poly newbie too?
What does this mean? You had the condom on or off when you ejaculated inside this woman?
I am guessing the condom came off? So even though you started with a condom, you ended up sharing fluids with this lady?
So now you and this lady have to go get new STI labs done?
Your nesting partner wasn't exposed right? You told her this happened before sharing sex with her again?
That's the correct thing to do when mistakes happen. Own it and inform people it affects. Apologize. Ask for forgiveness and try to do better in future. Everyone go get your new set of labs and follow up labs done.
In your case? No more drinking to cope with nerves. What were you trying to "drink away?" Deal with the nerves another way.
Have a date with someone and DO NOT share sex until you actually feel ok with it and they feel ok with it. Nothing wrong with holding hands and a little kissing and leaving it there. Every date doesn't have to end in sex.
I could see being upset that now there has to be STI labs. And maybe asking you to sleep on the couch and not with her. Needing some space to process. Feeling disappointed that now she can't share sex with you til the new labs come back.
But kicking you out of the house when you are trying to do the right thing and come clean about the mistake?
That is overreaction to me. She expected you to be PERFECT? Accidents never happen? Newbies never bungle?
Did you two ever talk about what to do if a mistake happened? Expectations around accidents like this or accidental pregnancy? Regular screenings? How to be responsible adults who share sex with more than one person?
HOW is this cheating? The agreement was to use condoms. You were trying to do that. Not a wise choice to get drunk to cope with nerves and share sex when you weren't sounding totally ready to do that. And in your drunk state, not great you lost sight of the condom use and got carried away sharing bare sex.
But again... what was the expectation? To be a perfect poly newbie from the start who never ever fumbles? Is that even realistic?
You sound like you told her right away and not like you shared bare sex with her and told her AFTER exposing her. Right?
If she dumped you, why's she still digging for more info? What other info IS there?
She could just let it be done. And so could you. And both of you move on to heal from this break up.
You go get your sex health labs and deal with things.
You pack up your stuff, and move your things out, find a place to live, etc.
You don't sound like you did anything mean or malicious. You simply messed up your condom use. The intent to use it was there.
If the agreement is polyamory where both of you can date other people on both sides? Don't go overreacting on your side and give it up just because she was overreacting on hers.
You do not have to appease the Volcano Goddess if she's on a rampage and maybe freaking you out behaving like that.
It's ok to say "No, thanks. I will talk to you when calm" and step away.
Offering to do therapy is ok.
But offering to close up on your side JUST to appease her hot headed? No.
Cuz then what? Any time she wants her way she goes all Volcano and you go appeasing her? That's not a healthy dynamic.
I get you have strong feelings for her. But if those feelings are making you act "drunk" now? And/or you let your strong feelings for her make you agree to stupid things that might hurt you later?
I suggest you slow your roll, take a time out, and let cooler heads prevail. Maybe talk this out with a poly counselor on your own.
Cuz what happened really? You made a mistake. You tried to own it, inform, and apologize for it like a grown up.
She overreacted and kicked you out, ranted and raved, dumped you. Like some kind of tantrum thing.
THIS is how you want to be living if you get back together? Every time she gets upset, it goes from 0-60 mph at the snap of a finger?
Polyamory is gonna have bumps along the road, esp for newbies.
If you DO decide to get back together? And you do not have to take her back, BTW.
But if you do? I think you two could make more realistic agreements that include how to deal with things if mistakes happen. Talk with a couple counselor if this anger management thing is an additional problem besides being poly newbie. Because that erodes trust.
She has to trust you will stop getting so drunk on dates you bungle condom use.
You have to trust she's not gonna go Volcano at the drop of a hat and can learn to deal with conflict resolution in a calmer, healthier way.
Maybe you get back together but do NOT live together so she can never do that to you again -- kick you out at the drop of a hat just cuz she got mad. People cannot feel safe living like that.
Maybe living in the same apartment complex is close enough but still have your own spaces.
I suggest you change you mind on that "no matter what" thing. You can have a limit of tolerance. You get to decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior towards you.
Do you have any people pleaser stuff going on? White knight stuff? You do not have to answer here. But think about it. It's ok to be there for a loved one. It is NOT ok to put up with poor behaviors from them "no matter what" and just become their caregiver doormat.
Tread with caution. Make sure you aren't letting your feelings for her excuse poor behaviors from her.
If the goal is HEALTHY polyamory? You each have things to work on.
That doesn't sound like joyful consent to practice poly. And what KIND of poly was it supposed to be? Where both of you date other people to share both love and sex?
What education did you do as a newbie? Is she a poly newbie too?
What does this mean? You had the condom on or off when you ejaculated inside this woman?
I am guessing the condom came off? So even though you started with a condom, you ended up sharing fluids with this lady?
So now you and this lady have to go get new STI labs done?
Your nesting partner wasn't exposed right? You told her this happened before sharing sex with her again?
That's the correct thing to do when mistakes happen. Own it and inform people it affects. Apologize. Ask for forgiveness and try to do better in future. Everyone go get your new set of labs and follow up labs done.
In your case? No more drinking to cope with nerves. What were you trying to "drink away?" Deal with the nerves another way.
Have a date with someone and DO NOT share sex until you actually feel ok with it and they feel ok with it. Nothing wrong with holding hands and a little kissing and leaving it there. Every date doesn't have to end in sex.
I could see being upset that now there has to be STI labs. And maybe asking you to sleep on the couch and not with her. Needing some space to process. Feeling disappointed that now she can't share sex with you til the new labs come back.
But kicking you out of the house when you are trying to do the right thing and come clean about the mistake?
That is overreaction to me. She expected you to be PERFECT? Accidents never happen? Newbies never bungle?
Did you two ever talk about what to do if a mistake happened? Expectations around accidents like this or accidental pregnancy? Regular screenings? How to be responsible adults who share sex with more than one person?
HOW is this cheating? The agreement was to use condoms. You were trying to do that. Not a wise choice to get drunk to cope with nerves and share sex when you weren't sounding totally ready to do that. And in your drunk state, not great you lost sight of the condom use and got carried away sharing bare sex.
But again... what was the expectation? To be a perfect poly newbie from the start who never ever fumbles? Is that even realistic?
You sound like you told her right away and not like you shared bare sex with her and told her AFTER exposing her. Right?
If she dumped you, why's she still digging for more info? What other info IS there?
She could just let it be done. And so could you. And both of you move on to heal from this break up.
You go get your sex health labs and deal with things.
You pack up your stuff, and move your things out, find a place to live, etc.
You don't sound like you did anything mean or malicious. You simply messed up your condom use. The intent to use it was there.
If the agreement is polyamory where both of you can date other people on both sides? Don't go overreacting on your side and give it up just because she was overreacting on hers.
You do not have to appease the Volcano Goddess if she's on a rampage and maybe freaking you out behaving like that.
It's ok to say "No, thanks. I will talk to you when calm" and step away.
Offering to do therapy is ok.
But offering to close up on your side JUST to appease her hot headed? No.
Cuz then what? Any time she wants her way she goes all Volcano and you go appeasing her? That's not a healthy dynamic.
I get you have strong feelings for her. But if those feelings are making you act "drunk" now? And/or you let your strong feelings for her make you agree to stupid things that might hurt you later?
I suggest you slow your roll, take a time out, and let cooler heads prevail. Maybe talk this out with a poly counselor on your own.
Cuz what happened really? You made a mistake. You tried to own it, inform, and apologize for it like a grown up.
She overreacted and kicked you out, ranted and raved, dumped you. Like some kind of tantrum thing.
THIS is how you want to be living if you get back together? Every time she gets upset, it goes from 0-60 mph at the snap of a finger?
Polyamory is gonna have bumps along the road, esp for newbies.
If you DO decide to get back together? And you do not have to take her back, BTW.
But if you do? I think you two could make more realistic agreements that include how to deal with things if mistakes happen. Talk with a couple counselor if this anger management thing is an additional problem besides being poly newbie. Because that erodes trust.
She has to trust you will stop getting so drunk on dates you bungle condom use.
You have to trust she's not gonna go Volcano at the drop of a hat and can learn to deal with conflict resolution in a calmer, healthier way.
Maybe you get back together but do NOT live together so she can never do that to you again -- kick you out at the drop of a hat just cuz she got mad. People cannot feel safe living like that.
Maybe living in the same apartment complex is close enough but still have your own spaces.
What has she done to heal from past abuse? Is she volatile? Does she do verbal/emotional abuse to you?
I suggest you change you mind on that "no matter what" thing. You can have a limit of tolerance. You get to decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior towards you.
Do you have any people pleaser stuff going on? White knight stuff? You do not have to answer here. But think about it. It's ok to be there for a loved one. It is NOT ok to put up with poor behaviors from them "no matter what" and just become their caregiver doormat.
Tread with caution. Make sure you aren't letting your feelings for her excuse poor behaviors from her.
If the goal is HEALTHY polyamory? You each have things to work on.
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Good to hear. And you're welcome!
Was this your first date with someone other than with your actual gf, since she asked to do polyamory? I make it a policy to never have more than one drink on a first date. More likely, I will stick to Diet Pepsi or iced tea haha
I assume you wore a condom, then took it off for oral, and then didn't put on a fresh one to finish up the sex with intercourse. GG seemed confused. Is this correct?
That's great, to be there for a partner. But I am detecting a bit of White Knight Syndrome. Sometimes people avoid their own issues by sacrificing everything to care for a troubled or ill partner. Gala Girl touches on this. In a balanced healthy relationship, partners care for each other. I love to care for my partners. It makes me feel good inside. But my life is also really enhanced by their care for me!
You're welcome. Being in a relationship, or becoming a parent, can help us to mature. But at the root of it, you are on your own journey and your partner(s) or kids are on theirs. In my opinion, I was not put on earth merely to become some kind of good person "for others." I deserve good care as much as my loved ones do. I need to take care of myself. I should be able to receive care from others. I have value and I am worthy of good things.
Hello Poly212,
It seems like you have said everything you could say, to get her to give you another chance. I don't want to tell you that it's impossible to get her to give you another chance, but I have to say I don't see any way to do it. She has broken up with you, and is pretty adamant about that. At the very least I think you need to stop contacting her, for say six months to a year, in case she is just really angry right now and will calm down later. Right now I think you are just stirring up her anger more by contacting her.
Sorry you are going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It seems like you have said everything you could say, to get her to give you another chance. I don't want to tell you that it's impossible to get her to give you another chance, but I have to say I don't see any way to do it. She has broken up with you, and is pretty adamant about that. At the very least I think you need to stop contacting her, for say six months to a year, in case she is just really angry right now and will calm down later. Right now I think you are just stirring up her anger more by contacting her.
Sorry you are going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Don’t give up on her. Send her flowers, serenade her, whatever it takes. If your relationship was strong outside this single misstep, she’ll come around.
When people come in here saying that their boundaries have been crossed, we tend to say, "well, did you have a plan as to what you were actually going to do if someone crossed your boundary, or did you just hope that by saying it, it would never actually happen?" A lot of people don't have a plan, then flounder when they find themselves being treated in ways they don't like. They don't know what to actually do.
It sounds like your ex doesn't have the problem. She was explicit about the boundary, and then when you crossed it, she acted accordingly. She took steps to protect herself from future harm. This isn't a tantrum, this is a grown woman standing her ground and protecting herself. I suspect this isn't a totally out of the blue thing, at least for her, most people don't bail at the first issue. This will more likely be the straw that broke the camel's back. Good on her for finally calling it quits. You believed she depended on you - well, if you really want her to thrive, stand back and watch her manage her own life. I bet she's not actually as dependent on you as you think.
Why on earth she's "digging for more information" is beyond me. But she's said it's over. At least do her the courtesy of believing her.
p.s. you can and will live without her, and you'll meet more people in your life who you will love (so long as you don't cloister yourself).
It sounds like your ex doesn't have the problem. She was explicit about the boundary, and then when you crossed it, she acted accordingly. She took steps to protect herself from future harm. This isn't a tantrum, this is a grown woman standing her ground and protecting herself. I suspect this isn't a totally out of the blue thing, at least for her, most people don't bail at the first issue. This will more likely be the straw that broke the camel's back. Good on her for finally calling it quits. You believed she depended on you - well, if you really want her to thrive, stand back and watch her manage her own life. I bet she's not actually as dependent on you as you think.
Why on earth she's "digging for more information" is beyond me. But she's said it's over. At least do her the courtesy of believing her.
p.s. you can and will live without her, and you'll meet more people in your life who you will love (so long as you don't cloister yourself).
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
Fwiw, I look for partners who accept that we will be imperfect at times. I also look for partners who would not feel that they have the right to call barrier free sex between and someone else "cheating", if it was disclosed in a timely fashion.
I feel her response was a red flag for her future partners more than yours.
I am sorry.
If she's just done? She's done then. She's allowed to be done.
She has the right to be done any time for any reason. So do you.
All anyone needs to break up is "I don't want to do this any more."
You put one foot in front of the other. Go day by day. Or hour by hour if you cannot manage day by day yet.
You make whatever moving out arrangements you still have left to make. Find a new place to live. Change things to your new address and get things turned on there. Cancel services at the old address that you need to turn off.
If it would be helpful to have extra support and you can afford it? Consider talking to a counselor.
This.
If you were trying to disclose ASAP and own that you made a mistake and did NOT expose to her any risks because you did NOT share any kind of physical contact with her after the incident?
Then I think kicking you out that instant is overreacting. Esp if you live there too and your name is on the lease. You were trying to do the right thing. Asking you to take the couch to have some space is reasonable to me. Asking you to move out or saying she's going to move out is also reasonable.
On the flip side? If you shared bare sex with her to deliberately expose her? And did not tell her that you exposed her until AFTER? I could see her being FURIOUS and wanting you the hell out. Name on lease or not. Because that's being really cavalier with other people's health and a gross violation of consent.
But it doesn't really matter what I think about the kicking out thing.
The bottom line is that she's done.
You sound like you accept her decision. Really that's all you can do about that.
The rest is you moving on stuff. And healing from the break up stuff.
It may not feel like it right now since you are in grief mode.
But over time as you heal? You will find you CAN live without her. And if you want to date new people? You can do that too.
I hope things get better for you in time.
If she's just done? She's done then. She's allowed to be done.
She has the right to be done any time for any reason. So do you.
All anyone needs to break up is "I don't want to do this any more."
You put one foot in front of the other. Go day by day. Or hour by hour if you cannot manage day by day yet.
You make whatever moving out arrangements you still have left to make. Find a new place to live. Change things to your new address and get things turned on there. Cancel services at the old address that you need to turn off.
If it would be helpful to have extra support and you can afford it? Consider talking to a counselor.
This.
If you were trying to disclose ASAP and own that you made a mistake and did NOT expose to her any risks because you did NOT share any kind of physical contact with her after the incident?
Then I think kicking you out that instant is overreacting. Esp if you live there too and your name is on the lease. You were trying to do the right thing. Asking you to take the couch to have some space is reasonable to me. Asking you to move out or saying she's going to move out is also reasonable.
On the flip side? If you shared bare sex with her to deliberately expose her? And did not tell her that you exposed her until AFTER? I could see her being FURIOUS and wanting you the hell out. Name on lease or not. Because that's being really cavalier with other people's health and a gross violation of consent.
But it doesn't really matter what I think about the kicking out thing.
The bottom line is that she's done.
You sound like you accept her decision. Really that's all you can do about that.
The rest is you moving on stuff. And healing from the break up stuff.
It may not feel like it right now since you are in grief mode.
But over time as you heal? You will find you CAN live without her. And if you want to date new people? You can do that too.
I hope things get better for you in time.
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Serenity123
New member
Don’t be too hard on yourself, you were honest with her, as much as it hurts right now. It will get better, thinking of you x
Pippa
Member
If you don’t like it it’s not a poly thing, both parties need to like this before anyone makes a move
Therapy is very helpful for many people's mental health. Mental health issues can be treated, just as physical ones can be.
One can be happy having unprotected sex, but one may end up with an unwanted pregnancy and diseases (STDs). Then we may no longer be happy. Most poly people are very insistent on using proper protection and practicing safer sex. Your wife may be passing diseases to each partner she has.My wife has unprotected sex with strangers all the time and she’s happy, as I don’t ever want sex. I’d prefer a cup of tea
Openbook23
Active member
Everyone should be in therapy, in the same way everyone should get annual physical checkups (including STI checks, if poly).
This seems like a relationship that is over. That's sad, but it happens. As others have said, it's generally a bad idea to get drunk on a first date. Honestly, I'd be pretty upset if my partner did everything described in the OP. No, it would not end our relationship but we've been together for 10 years. It's hard to imagine any single incident that would end us. However, I would feel deeply betrayed by the boundaries that had been crossed without a prior discussion. This seems like the first time (or among the firsts) that you acted on this arrangement and you broke all the rules. Put yourself in her shoes, and I think you can see the problem. You've learned a valuable lesson from it, and hopefully there will be no long term consequences (beyond the ended relationship, of course). I don't believe in soul mates (the one perfect person). You'll find other partners, but it's going to hurt to lose this one for sure. Sorry.
This seems like a relationship that is over. That's sad, but it happens. As others have said, it's generally a bad idea to get drunk on a first date. Honestly, I'd be pretty upset if my partner did everything described in the OP. No, it would not end our relationship but we've been together for 10 years. It's hard to imagine any single incident that would end us. However, I would feel deeply betrayed by the boundaries that had been crossed without a prior discussion. This seems like the first time (or among the firsts) that you acted on this arrangement and you broke all the rules. Put yourself in her shoes, and I think you can see the problem. You've learned a valuable lesson from it, and hopefully there will be no long term consequences (beyond the ended relationship, of course). I don't believe in soul mates (the one perfect person). You'll find other partners, but it's going to hurt to lose this one for sure. Sorry.
That's an opinion, not a fact.