Breakup

Catiathefox

New member
Hi, I’m new here and honestly I just joined to vent and ask people for advice. My fiancé and I had a partner and recently they left us. They have a lot going on so I understand and so does my fiancé but he didn’t show any emotions towards the situation while I feel so many emotions about it. I guess I just need advice on how I should ask for comfort or how I should deal with it on my own?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Catiathefox,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm sorry to hear about your recent breakup; and that is extra hard when your fiancé doesn't show any emotion, and doesn't offer comfort. He has his own way of coping with the trauma of the breakup, I guess. His way of coping is to retreat deep inside himself.

Really if you're going to ask him for comfort, the direct way is probably best. "Honey, I am hurting from the breakup and I was wondering if you could give me some comfort." Or be even more direct, such as, "Honey, I am hurting from the breakup and I was hoping you could give me a hug." Or, "I was hoping you could listen sympathetically while I talk to you about the hurt I feel." It might sound strange to say such things out loud, but it is the best way to avoid any misunderstandings.

If he is unwilling to give you the comfort you ask him for, then you will have to deal with it on your own. Honestly, this forum is a good way to do that. Either post about your situation in Poly Relationships Corner, or post some more about it in this (intro) thread, or both. It can help just to know that your words are falling on sympathetic ears. Other than that, you just do things on your own that you would enjoy. Watch your favorite movies and TV shows. While eating that pint of ice cream, if you so desire. There comes a time, once in a while, when we have to treat ourselves. This is one of those situations. Taking a walk can help too. Meditation, if you're into that.

Mostly, it is going to hurt for a while, no matter what you do. Breakups are not easy. It takes time for the hurt to recede. Honestly, you will probably still have some hurt leftover a year from now. It's the nature of the beast. Of the risk we always take when we enter a romantic relationship. You have to believe that the risk is worth it. Don't let this breakup turn you bitter, if you can at all help it. Think about things you are thankful for. The love you enjoyed while that relationship lasted. Valuable things you learned from it.

I hope Polyamory.com can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Thank you, I have a hard time being direct when asking for help in person so I appreciate the advice.

I would say that the most important part of asking for help, is knowing that you are not entitled to it.

When we ask help from the vantage point of realizing that we aren't entitled to get it, we will tend to be more cautious of their situation, and be able to read the room.

When we assume that the answer will be "of course I'll give you what you ask for, you asked for it after all", we approach the conversation from a place of entitlement. That sort of posture makes us clumsy and insistent, and makes it difficult to keep their feelings in mind.

I guess I just need advice on how I should ask for comfort or how I should deal with it on my own?

What sort of comfort is it that you are hunting for? And this is from the person who left, or your fiance?

I think it's important to consider what comfort you need, and what it is you are assuming you are going to get out of it. It's a good idea to honestly consider what you really think it will get you, what you will accomplish if you get it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Welcome. I'm sorry to hear about the break up.

Even if wanted or the best solution in a situation? Those usually come with some sadness. If you need to vent go ahead. You could post here or even start a blog thread.

I think Kevin and Marcus gave good suggestions so I'm going to add to that train of thought.

Could also think about comfort in, kvetch out.

Learning how to ask for help is a skill like any other. One grows it by doing. I think of it like a 100 lb bag. If that is too much for ME? Why would I dump it all on one person? Then they have to lug it. Instead, I try to spread it out across my friends and family. And I choose to ask people who might have bandwidth to take some of my load on for a bit. I don't ask people who just had a new baby, had someone die in the family, etc. They have their own load right then.

Your partner ALSO got broken up with. So he might not have the spoons to take on being your support system right now. Then it's like double load for him because he is inside the system. Maybe he can in small ways like a hug, or bringing you tissues if you are crying or make you a cup of tea. Like very small and specific.

Be ok with it if he can't do it though. Offer what small ways you could do for him, and if what he wants is space? Give him space. It doesn't sound like you two have been here before. So you don't already know how to deal with this triad break up space. You can't go "Oh, in triad break ups, I'm always ___ for the first ___ weeks and he's always ____. So best that we do ____ and then try ____." YKWIM?

If you need to talk/process a lot of stuff? Some of it might be trigger-y for him because he's trying to do his own grief process in his own way. Maybe he'd be up for talking later down when it is not so fresh. Maybe not ever. And maybe the experience leads to discovering not liking to triad for this very reason -- the break up dynamics.

So think about your support systems and who might help with what. Start with YOU. This is opportunity to get to know your own self. When was the last time you broke up with someone? What helped? What didn't? Does your list of self care things need updating?

I don't know if you are "out" as poly to friends and family. But even if you aren't you could ask for simple help like bringing a meal or come help mow the lawn or walk the dog or whatever. You don't have to tell details of what happened - just say you aren't feeling great and could use a little help/support like some small errands so you can get in some extra naps but still have ____ get done. Then remember to thank the person, and some time later down when they have a thing? YOU offer to go mow their lawn or walk their dog or pick up meds or whatever.

is written for the friend, but maybe it helps you articulate requests. Like "Oh. I could ask ___ if they might be willing to do that."

I hope with the passing of time you find peace and healing.

HTH!
Galagirl
 

Catiathefox

New member
I would say that the most important part of asking for help, is knowing that you are not entitled to it.

When we ask help from the vantage point of realizing that we aren't entitled to get it, we will tend to be more cautious of their situation, and be able to read the room.

When we assume that the answer will be "of course I'll give you what you ask for, you asked for it after all", we approach the conversation from a place of entitlement. That sort of posture makes us clumsy and insistent, and makes it difficult to keep their feelings in mind.



What sort of comfort is it that you are hunting for? And this is from the person who left, or your fiance?

I think it's important to consider what comfort you need, and what it is you are assuming you are going to get out of it. It's a good idea to honestly consider what you really think it will get you, what you will accomplish if you get it.
I do my best not to feel entitled. I think I just need a good like 5 minute hug/hold while I cry. I always find that being hugged or held makes me feel understood.
 

Catiathefox

New member
Welcome. I'm sorry to hear about the break up.

Even if wanted or the best solution in a situation? Those usually come with some sadness. If you need to vent go ahead. You could post here or even start a blog thread.

I think Kevin and Marcus gave good suggestions so I'm going to add to that train of thought.

Could also think about comfort in, kvetch out.

Learning how to ask for help is a skill like any other. One grows it by doing. I think of it like a 100 lb bag. If that is too much for ME? Why would I dump it all on one person? Then they have to lug it. Instead, I try to spread it out across my friends and family. And I choose to ask people who might have bandwidth to take some of my load on for a bit. I don't ask people who just had a new baby, had someone die in the family, etc. They have their own load right then.

Your partner ALSO got broken up with. So he might not have the spoons to take on being your support system right now. Then it's like double load for him because he is inside the system. Maybe he can in small ways like a hug, or bringing you tissues if you are crying or make you a cup of tea. Like very small and specific.

Be ok with it if he can't do it though. Offer what small ways you could do for him, and if what he wants is space? Give him space. It doesn't sound like you two have been here before. So you don't already know how to deal with this triad break up space. You can't go "Oh, in triad break ups, I'm always ___ for the first ___ weeks and he's always ____. So best that we do ____ and then try ____." YKWIM?

If you need to talk/process a lot of stuff? Some of it might be trigger-y for him because he's trying to do his own grief process in his own way. Maybe he'd be up for talking later down when it is not so fresh. Maybe not ever. And maybe the experience leads to discovering not liking to triad for this very reason -- the break up dynamics.

So think about your support systems and who might help with what. Start with YOU. This is opportunity to get to know your own self. When was the last time you broke up with someone? What helped? What didn't? Does your list of self care things need updating?

I don't know if you are "out" as poly to friends and family. But even if you aren't you could ask for simple help like bringing a meal or come help mow the lawn or walk the dog or whatever. You don't have to tell details of what happened - just say you aren't feeling great and could use a little help/support like some small errands so you can get in some extra naps but still have ____ get done. Then remember to thank the person, and some time later down when they have a thing? YOU offer to go mow their lawn or walk their dog or pick up meds or whatever.

is written for the friend, but maybe it helps you articulate requests. Like "Oh. I could ask ___ if they might be willing to do that."

I hope with the passing of time you find peace and healing.

HTH!
Galagirl
That all helps so much. We have dealt with breakups before and he never seems to react? Like he just seems so unmoved by it while I usually end up being the emotional mess. I just haven’t hurt this bad before.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
We have dealt with breakups before and he never seems to react? Like he just seems so unmoved by it while I usually end up being the emotional mess.

Given that he approaches relationship changes from a more detached posture, do you know if giving support to you is something that he is entirely comfortable with? It very well may be, and he might not tell you even if it wasn't, but I find that when I'm emotionally blocked off I don't have the emotional availability to support someone else like that.

If you guys have open and honest communication, I would see if you can just ask him in a way that prompts an actually honest response.

I bring this up because it might be that you need to find another person for that kind of emotional support, if it isn't something he authentically desires to provide for you. You have to find that balance for yourself, and only you can know what the appropriate move is, but I wanted to make sure you have it on your radar.

I just haven’t hurt this bad before.

Drastic relationship changes can be stressful, we can get that sense of loss and longing and it just sucks. I'm glad you are thinking about how to take care of yourself, and I hope that you are able to find yourself in a place of growth and learning as a result of it.

The discomfort is what it is, and the goal should hopefully be to introspect about our experiences and our reactions, and build ourselves into more healthy people. It isn't something I always find achievable, but it's a good guidepost to have.
 
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