Bring it up or not my place?

It's just that this situation, we had an agreement and he told me he would talk with her and wanted the same agreement, then just said something along the lines of "conversation went really well. She's in agreement." Then, months later, she mentions to me that she essentially disregarded it because she thought he would come around.

If I'm understanding correctly, he kept agreements but meta didn't. She told you that she didn't see those agreements as permanent and now you want to white knight your shared partner from her because you believe you know something he doesn't because she spoke with you about this.

This may be because those agreements sounded more like training wheels to her and she's figured that he (and you by extension) would grow out of them. But neither of you have. Or it's because she doesn't want to have that agreement anymore because she finds it too controlling.

If anything, and if I'm right that she did confide in you, how about saying to her that that is a conversation she needs to have with him? Why wasn't that option 1?

FYI, when I was introduced to my now husband's female then bff I liked her and confided in her and she went straight to him without giving me a chance to. She has slowly drifted out of our lives entirely. Good riddance.
 
In addition to what I said, I wonder. You had a thread before:


where you wrote that this affair was not exactly welcome, because NRE wasn't something in your original agreements.

So, contrary to what this statement would seem to imply:
I've felt less joy and excitement for him in this newer relationship than in the past.
this is the very first partner with whom feelings are at play, and where sex is on the table. Now, that would require quite a steep learning curve from all three of you.

In addition, you think this is a bad idea, regardless of her personality.

If I understand the situation correctly, this is important context.

Please realize you may be just as biased in judging her actions, as he is blindsided with NRE. That doesn't mean she wasn't overstepping, it just means misunderstandings are very likely. So is rivalry - conscious or not.

I'm not sure what that implies, because only you can understand your situation. But common newbie mistakes would be:
- focusing too much on the metamour vs. your own feelings
- having "agreements" which not everyone really agrees on, i.e., maybe you made a rule such as "touching, but not kissing," which they are uncomfortable with, but took on to be able to have a relationship at all.

Is the last one what is going on? Then, it's not just about telling him. Some more conflict resolution is in order.
 
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Of course, I wondered too if it were a sexual agreement, not a favorite restaurant or a 10:00 curfew.
 
To me, the vagueness in your posts/questions means that we (the forum members) can't give you advice that actually applies to your situation.

I don't get what you mean by your concerns that Leaf might be "using" Wind. If Leaf potentially manipulated Wind to change his/your agreements, what does that have to do with "using" Wind?

If these are in the same people/relationships you described in your other post about whether to work on your primary relationship before trying poly, you describe the relationships so differently that it seems an entirely different situation. But I think it's the same situation... So, is your actual issue that you are upset that Wind and Leaf want to become (or did become) sexual in their relationship, when that wasn't the agreement you thought you had with Wind?

I think you are deliberately trying to be vague to get the answers you want. But our advice won't actually fit your situation because you're omitting key information.
 
Can he maintain an agreement with you while simultaneously not honoring the same agreement with your meta? Or does failing to uphold it with the meta automatically invalidate the agreement with you?

If adherence to the agreement with you necessitates the meta's consent, this could be more accurately described as a rule rather than a boundary.

You also mentioned that you believe he is being “used.” However, without the full context of their relationship, what you perceive as exploitation may simply be a minor inconvenience for him, while he finds overall satisfaction.

I once dated a woman who would employ manipulative tactics in trivial matters—like dictating what I should order at a restaurant. Whenever something went awry in her home, she would call me for assistance, and I consistently obliged. While her behavior could be frustrating, she was a wonderful travel companion, and very attentive to my every sexual need. The relationship worked for me, and even a decade later, I have no regrets.

I don’t speak for all men, but I don’t mind being a little used as long as my needs are being met. In fact, I strive to be useful in general because it brings many benefits.

Everything agreed to in life is subject to change, and if he’s never encountered significant hurt, that’s likely for a reason. He probably has his best interests at heart, and his boundaries may be more robust than you realize.
 
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