Thank you for more info.
So basically, this is not polyamory at this time. Romantic feelings are supposed to be off the table.
For clarity, my husband is the one having romantic feelings for someone.
Okay. So do you want to renegotiate agreements to include romantic feelings, include the possibility of polyamory? Or do you still prefer "open" only, not poly? If so, this is where you have to say "No, thanks. That's going too far for me."
We have talked in depth, and we want our relationship to continue as primary, but with the restored deep connection and sex that it is lacking.
Why did the connection in this dyad fade/dial down? Work stress? Eldercare? Something else?
My thinking is until the primary relationship is in a more mutually-fulfilling state, restored to wholeness, holding off on moving into romantic/physical territory with secondary relationships would be the best course of action. Anyone have thoughts enforcing or contradicting this way of thinking?
It might be the best course of action for YOU. But do husband and "Apple" (his FWB, a generic name just to make writing easier) agree?
Is husband even going to be able to focus on this dyad if he fears losing Apple?
Would it be a case of: "Existing people can stay, but no NEW people," as a compromise? Apple might get a date once a week, and so would you. But you ALSO have a couples counseling appointment with him once a week to work on things, that doesn't count as a date, but relationship repair business. Then he doesn't have to be fearful and you can see repair business IS being tended to.
Over time... what if the primary-secondary model is outgrown, and one of you starts bucking for having co-primaries? Is that the end of the line, the place where you two split up? Or is that another renegotiation point?
You might want to read this together and discuss it on your own and/or with your counselor:
To me, it sounds like you are bumping right into the primary/secondary section:
Pros and Cons of the Primary/Secondary Model
This model is popular because it is the model most similar to traditional marriage and does not threaten the primacy of the couple. For most married or co-habiting couples, it is not such a stretch to have a few outside relationships as long as they know that the primary commitment is to the marriage. They can still be married, have children, live together, be socially acceptable, and "live a normal life", keeping their outside relationships secret from friends and family. It doesn't require making any radical changes in your lifestyle or your world view. One major benefit for many couples is that they feel secure that they won't be abandoned, because their spouse has agreed that outside relationships will be secondary. This is simpler and easier to organize logistically than other forms of open relationships. If there is any conflict over time, loyalty or commitment, the spouse always gets priority.
However, a major drawback of this model is that outside relationships are not so simple or easy to predict or control. Having a sexual relationship with someone else often leads to becoming emotionally involved and even falling in love, frequently causing a crisis in the primary relationship and even divorce. Initiating a sexual relationship is opening a door to many possibilities, and often secondary relationships grow into something else which does not fit neatly into the confines of this model. Many people who become "secondary" lovers become angry at being subjugated to the couple, and demand equality or end the relationship. For this model to be successful, couples must be very convinced that their relationship is strong enough to weather these ups and downs. Conversely, some couples who start with this model decide eventually to shift to some form of the Multiple Primary Partners model to allow secondary relationships to become equal to the primary couple relationship.
Note the part in blue. There hasn't been full-on sex, but just with the cuddles or make outs you are now bumping into it. Feelings have developed due to physical affection being shared and regular proximity.
Now what?
And... what happens when it naturally wants to grow to include sex? Then what?
To clarify the piece you specifically asked for clarification on.... Several years ago, we discussed (and continue to discuss) boundaries for relationships outside of our marriage. It's been that we both can have deep intimate relationships (really, friendships) that may involve some affection like long hugs, cuddling, affectionate touch, but no sexual affection.
To me, that is a "cuddle buddy," or like the lightest form of "friends with benefits" -- cuddles and make outs but no bigger sex than that. It's not supposed to become a romantic thing, either, only be friends who sometimes cuddle/make out.
Some people like fuzzy boundaries like that and others do not.
I do not, not because I can't handle cuddle buddies or FWB like that. In my experience, the people develop feelings and then want to glom onto me, or want more than I care to give, and then feelings get hurt and all that jazz. It's just easier for my to keep my friendships totally platonic in the first place and avoid this emotional upset. At most, allow a hug or cheek kiss that everyone understands is just a social greeting and not anything bigger than that.
We thought we were communicating the same thing in regards to the types of feelings. I was uncomfortable with romantic feelings, but he thought I was comfortable. For him, anything other than sex was on the table, but for me the point where he begins to love someone in a way that might be similar to the love that he has for me was off of the table. It was honestly a misunderstanding, but now we are in a situation where he is in love with someone else who he has not been physical with outside of hugs, hand holding and cuddling.
It sounds like you both have learned that you might have to say, "Okay, now repeat that back in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it," to reduce misunderstandings in future.
The thing with sharing cuddles, make outs, and bigger sex, is that close proximity and repeated intimate behaviors CAN lead to feelings growing. Then what? Usually people don't want to dump the new partner they have come to love, so the temptation to cheat on agreements and keep secrets pops up.
Really, it's that the agreements themselves may not have been realistic or reasonable in the first place. Or they were, but they got outgrown as conditions changed.
There's nothing wrong with casual sex, like "one and done," if all parties consent. But the very "one and done" nature of it makes it so feelings are less likely to happen (even though they still might, due to the intimate nature of sex). Having a regular cuddle buddy or FWB can lead to feelings in a way that "one and done" might not.
Just because you and husband were compatible for monogamy for a time, doesn't make you AUTOMATICALLY compatible to practice non-monogamy together. There are many types of non-monogamy. If you are more into ENM or "open to casual cuddles or casual sex," but he wants polyamory, which does include romantic feelings, you two might have to talk it out and make some decisions.
- Giving it all up and going back to monogamy only, with no more of these "special friends," because that is the model you can share.
- Breaking up, because over time you two became incompatible and now want very different things. You want one type of non-monogamy, he wants another, and they don't go together.
- Dealing with it being a "mixed marriage" of sorts, where you do ENM relationships on your side and he does polyamorous relationships on his side.
I encourage you to lean in and have the conversations you need to be having with your husband, BEFORE this goes any deeper and BEFORE more people get involved.
If you two have a hard time talking on your own, you might consider a counselor who is experienced in poly and non-monogamy to help guide the talks. I don't know if this helps you find one:
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org
Galagirl
