Broken agreement

redsirenn

New member
Ouroboros broke an agreement. He kissed the other woman. He told me that he was not going to pursue anything with anyone. This happened when they went camping last time she visited. I had decided to trust him. It took him 2 and a half weeks to tell me, even though there have been ample opportunities. I do not know what to do. In effect, he lied by omission, and broke an agreement. The whole point of this was to build trust in each other and this has been shattered. I am in pain. :(

I have been the best girlfriend. I was kind to her and him, trusting, generous with my love, patient, understanding, I listened to him and his stories with compassion, I loved having sex with him and pleasing him. I allowed myself to open up. In return I feel I was not respected and although I care for him, I do not want to be walked all over. What REALLY sucks is that just last weekend I was so happy about how things were going. Apparently it was an illusion.

I know forgiveness is a part of love, but it does not mean that if I forgive, I will forget, or that I have to put up with this or stay in the relationship.

I am trying to be compassionate, while at the same time sticking up for myself.

What would you do here?
 
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You really have to be careful in asking this question. People will vary from gray to stark black and white. This is something that you should work out IMO.
 
Ouch. I don't even have the words. I'd be hurt, angry, sad. Beyond that, I don't know. I guess I would have to decide if the trust could be rebuilt. And, if it could, keep the relationship mono until it was. I'm so sorry you're hurting. But Mono is probably right. This is something you'll have to work out for yourself in the end.
 
Breaking agreements and trust is always hurtful. But, to me, the deeper question is, is there love between you? It is loving that you want between you, I presume.

The fact that he came clean and told you what happened should be encouraging. He could have never said a word.

I'd also recommend looking at what this kiss means to you, and why. Why does it hurt you so much that he kissed this other woman, aside from the agreement-breaking, that is?

I'd say, open to this hurt, welcome it, let it have its own fullness of expression. And while you do this, explore any past hurts that come up in the process. Open to these, as well. Whatever you do, don't turn away from the emotional pain until you come out the other end of your process--whatever that may be. I think you'll be surprised at the freedom and love that will emerge if you become intimate with yourself in this way.
 
It is the agreement breaking that hurt. I get jealous sometimes, I have some fear of loss, but the overriding thing here is TRUST. I have been soooooo clear to him about trust, honesty, etc. As stated in a previous thread, I was ready to leave the relationship because he said he could not fulfill my needs. (He wanted to stay FBs. I did not.)

He came back and apologized profusely, sang me a song on his guitar, brought me flowers, spent time with me, etc. And we made this agreement to be mono so that we could build trust in each other. So what hurts is that he came back only to break the trust we were trying to build.

It sucks. Like I said, I am not sure what to do here.

*edit*
I talked to him. I told him he hurt me. I asked him questions. My stomach still hurts from this, but I have chosen to forgive, based on the fact that he broke his own boundaries as well, and felt remorse for it. Also, because we both discovered we weren't telling each other some things that needed to be said. I have not regretted anything in this thus far, so hopefully I am making the right decision for myself here. I have to say, however, I will have to see his actions, once again. I told him that things may very well take a long time. If this happens again, in the near future, I am out.

That is where I stand. Thanks everyone for your input. I am discovering the importance of communication, and that although I always thought I was very good at it, I can get better.
 
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I just found this thread, redsirenn. Don't know how I missed it before.

As you may already know, I'm working through some serious trust issues myself. I don't want to become paranoid and distrustful, but I am going to do whatever it takes to protect my heart and keep it safe.

My advice is to pay close attention to what Ouroboros does in relation with what he says. This is the key. When a person's actions do not agree with his/her words, you can trust the actions over the words. People can SAY anything, but actions reveal the heart.

Good luck to you, SisterWoman. And let me add this, your heart is a great treasure chest, full to overflowing with love, patience and understanding. It is only wisdom and discretion to make sure such a treasure is well-guarded and safe. Those who would violate it do not deserve it.
 
yes, I know that. (actions speak louder than words).

I do watch for it. That is why this is bothering me so. He said one thing, and did another! Why should I expect otherwise from now on????

I am on a trip right now and will be away for a week. I don't plan on talking to him. I need some time.

I am still hurting... I can forgive, but I do not want to place myself in a bad situation, especially knowing this. He says it was a "mistake" how cliche!!!

I ask him for actions... he says it is an action to talk to me about this stuff... that it is hard for him... well, yes - talking about stuff can be hard, and willling to talk is an action, but it is still words in the end.

I don't even know what it is I need to see from him, but I will know when I see it.

This sucks majorly. I want to run away, but I don't think it is the right thing to do right now. I need to sort some stuff out, b/c yes it is possible he is telling the truth...

How long should I give him?
 
It is possible that you're blowing this kiss way out of proportion. I'm not saying that you ARE blowing it out of proportion, but that it is POSSIBLE that you're doing so.

The fact that he was honest with you, and told you about this kiss, is worth a few points. If he was a total sleeze ball, you'd never have known about this kiss--and it may have been ... beyond a kiss, let's say.

It feels to me that you're SO worried about having your heart broken that you have it wrapped in armor and fortified by an army of invisible soldiers ready to keep at bay anyone with the slightest hint or whif of ... threat of disillusionment.

Maybe this guy deserves as much armor as you have; and maybe he deserves a good deal less. I don't know. I don't know the guy. But I would recommend that you look at the bruised place on your heart that causes you to worry so much that your heart might be further damaged. Get real familiar with the roots of that, so that you can heal and move forward.
 
I don't even know what it is I need to see from him, but I will know when I see it.
I needed to see that what Hubby and Star DID was in agreement with what they SAID (specifically about loving me and never wanting to hurt me again). Because their actions backed up their words, our relationships are on the mend now. If they had continued to say one thing and do another, I would have been out the door.

I'm not you, so of course I can't pretend to know what you need, but that's what I needed.


How long should I give him?
Until you know, one way or the other.
 
Hi Everyone,

I have not replied in a while, because I took some time to think for myself.

I think JRM hits it right on the head, actually. I try soooo hard to protect myself, that I actually feel I limit the ability for something real to ever happen. This is for sure a pattern I have held my whole life. When Ouroboros broke the agreement I was very hurt. It still bothers me, actually.

It is like I was waiting for something to go wrong so that my insecurities would be justified.

My question is this: How on earth, do I let go? I can have brief moments of this, but inevitably fall back into the same routine. This incident has made me very wary of trying to live polyamorously, despite all the rationale that I have supporting the lifestyle. It all comes down to that ONE thing-- setting myself up for disaster and ending up hurt.

Any thoughts, words of wisdom, examples that might help someone who REALLY wants to let go?
 
Sure.

It isn't the LIFESTYLE's fault that a person broke their agreement with you.

Breaking an agreement, betrayal of trust, happens in all types of relationships, all lifestyles.

It's like when a woman "swears off men to become a lesbian" and realizes that women suck just as much as men.

If "being polyamorous" is not your cup of tea, then more power to ya, but there will still be assholes, they will just be other assholes instead.
 
Have you had any "alone time" with her? I have found that forming a bond with my boyfriend's wife is really helping us both deal with our insecurities because they are all on the table for everyone to see (and we are even discovering a fascination for each other - of course the man in our lives has good taste in women!). If you are friends with and trust them both, then you have no reason to feel fearful when they are alone.
 
No I haven't - I spent time with the both of them. We are currently supposed to be monogamous to work out these trust issues, and at the moment I do not even like her. I have no interest in seeing her, talking to her, or anything. I am angry at her as well for breaking the agreement and since that weekend was her opportunity to BEGIN to build trust with me (trust for me is earned, not given away freely and then taken away) she has negative points in the trust bank for me.

I know alot of this stems from my feelings of insecurity with Ouroboros at the moment, but so be it. I am NOT ready, and in fact INCREDIBLY PISSED.

She has made absolutely no effort to make things better on my part, and I do not even see it happening in the future.
 
Here is an update on the process we are having...

Last night Ouroboros came over for dinner. I made stuffed shells and we drank wine... We started getting intimate, when I noticed he was not entirely into it. I asked what was wrong, and he said he felt uncomfortable with sleeping with me. He said that me saying " you disrepected my boundaries" resonates in his mind, and he does not want to feel that he is continually doing that. He seemed really bothered. I talked with him for a bit, trying to understand where he was coming from, and he said that he was taking things seriously, and that sex with me meant a great deal to him. He didn't want it cheapened by his feelings. He didn't want the conversations to stop or get clouded by us having fun.

This was a REALLY strange conversation for me. I have only once had a boyfriend say something like this to me. This was my first love.

Usually guys cannot wait to jump me regardless of how I feel.

I told him that I felt sex was an important part of intimacy, and that I actually needed it along with other things in our relationship to maintain that connection with each other. This is not why we are together... that was clarified by the both of us too.

Anyways, although it was a bit sad at the beginning, this made me realize that he really is taking all I have said to heart.

One point for :)uroboros!
 
Correct. So, the edit for my post before would be not that he listened to "all" that I said, but at least some of it.

Time will tell...
 
ouch ouch ouch

I feel that frequently.

It's been about a month. Things are, in fact, moving forward. I put the poly thoughts on hold for a bit because I wanted to focus on my relationship with Ouroboros and building trust there. I think he takes this seriously.

It has been a couple of weeks since I stopped feeling awkward around him, like I was making a mistake for taking him back. NowI am starting to feel more joy than anxiety when around him, which is a good place to be. I am watching him carefully, though, seeing what actions he takes as far as this relationship goes, and testing, yes, testing him to figure out if he is sincere.

So, we have been talking about taking a trip together to Seattle for a while. I used to live there, and since my divorce, I've carried alot of baggage from that area. I have not been back in a while, because I associated so many of the negative things regarding my last relationship with that city. I am sure some of you understand how this is possible, although irrational.

I wanted so badly to go back and have been entertaining the idea in my head for a while. I thought that it would be a good idea to take someone that didn't know the area, so I could re-introduce Seattle to myself in a positive and exciting light, while introducing it for the first time to them. AND in the process visiting friends that I have not seen in a VERY long time due partly to this last relationship.

This trip is soooo emotionally charged for me.

I want to take Ouroboros with me. We have so much fun when we are together, and we like so many of the same things, I thought he would appreciate it. Then a problem arose.

We will probably be driving. Which means we will pass thru Portland. Now, I have a friend that lives there now that I have not seen since my wedding! I really want to see them on our way up to Seattle... However, Ouroboros wants to see the other woman. I am soooo torn right now.

On the one hand, it has only been a freaking month! I feel (and my friends agree) that this is insensitive of him. He saw her 3 times this summer. WHY must he stop during this trip (or even mention it!) when he knows how emotionally charged the trip is for me already!!?

I am soo bothered by this.

On the other hand, I want to be compassionate.

The hurt (from both of these issues) is just too much for me. I am definitely not running away, or trying to avoid anything. In fact, I am tackling one fear already by making this trip. I just don't want my head to be clouded by another issue, which at the moment is making me just want to cancel the whole damn thing.

I know this is selfish. I just don't know if it is the best thing for me to try to do all of this at once. AND, it makes me question Ouroboros' sincerity, that he would bring this up now. I still need time. this feels like pressure. If I feel pressured, I put up walls. So, in order for me to get past this, I need to not feel pressure. The very thought that he brought it up makes me feel like he cannot wait to be with her...

My buddy suggested I talk with him, and tell him how I feel. If he pressures me, or fights with me, I guess I will know then that this relationship won't work out, right? Any thoughts?
 
i agree totally with your buddy, that you need to talk to him about it, and go from there depending on his response.
 
No I haven't - I spent time with the both of them. We are currently supposed to be monogamous to work out these trust issues, and at the moment I do not even like her. I have no interest in seeing her, talking to her, or anything. I am angry at her as well for breaking the agreement and since that weekend was her opportunity to BEGIN to build trust with me (trust for me is earned, not given away freely and then taken away) she has negative points in the trust bank for me.

I know alot of this stems from my feelings of insecurity with Ouroboros at the moment, but so be it. I am NOT ready, and in fact INCREDIBLY PISSED.

She has made absolutely no effort to make things better on my part, and I do not even see it happening in the future.

redsirenn,

I don't know you. But you remind me in this quote of my husband Maca. I don't know your situation in full, so feel free to take my statements with a grain of salt.

But if you create a situation that is too structured, you can create exactly what you were trying to avoid, by putting so much structure in. That is something I've learned with parenting. When raising children, we have to give them "enough rope to hang themselves" so that they CAN prove themselves. Sometimes they prove they aren't ready for the freedom; sometimes they prove they are immediately ready for more.

If my husband (well he did) put such strictures on me as you described (NOT saying you are wrong), I would fail (I did) because inherently inside of me I NEED more than that from people I care about. I can't function that way. Ironically, when he gave me freedom to be with my boyfriend in any way I needed, as long as it wasn't in his face, I spent the last two weeks making love to my husband twice a day, not the boyfriend. Because I COULD. The need was relieved already.

Right now, my husband is actively working on his insecurities, which sound similar to yours. I think you two might benefit from conversing about them, maybe bounce ideas off each other for working on your issues. He's on here too. His name is Maca. Maybe send him a private message or something. I know he could use someone to talk with, as well. As great as things are going so far, he's had a long road with me and I haven't made it easy. (Quite the opposite. I'm not sure why he stuck around!)

I wish you luck!
 
On the one hand, It has only been a freaking month! I feel (and my friends agree) that this is insensitive of him. He saw her 3 times this summer, and WHY must he stop during this trip (or even mention it!) when he knows how emotionally charged the trip is for me already!!?

I am soo bothered by this.

On the other hand, I want to be compassionate...

THe hurt (from both of these issues) is just too much for me. I am definitly not running away, or trying to avoid anything. In fact, I am tackling one fear already by making this trip. I just don't want my head to be clouded by another issue... which at the moment is making me just want to cancel the whole damn thing.

I know this is selfish. I just don't know if it is the best thing for me to try to do all of this at once. AND, it makes me question Ouroboros' sincerity that he would bring this up now. I still need time. this feels like pressure. If I feel pressured, I put up walls. So, In order for me to get past this, I need to not feel pressure. The very thought that he brought it up makes me feel like he cannot wait to be with her...

My buddy suggested I talk with him, and tell him how I feel. If he pressures me, or fights with me, I guess I will know then that this relationship won't work out... right?

Any thoughts....?

What are you afraid will happen? I mean, what is the WORST case scenario?

When I feel insecure, jealous etc., I ask myself these questions. Then WHY and WHAT WOULD I DO?

Something I read while researching poly (paraphrasing):
If one person is feeling insecure and needs time to adjust, the other partner should allow this. But if 3 weeks go by and you are still stuck on needing time and feeling insecure, that's pushing it and you need to stop vacillating and start working on your issue.

The 3-week part was a quote. It stuck in my head. Your post reminds me of this. I get that you need time to solve your insecurity issues, but at the same time, it's not fair to expect someone to wait indefinitely for that to happen, ESPECIALLY if the BASE cause of those insecurities isn't them (which I don't know, as I don't know you).

So while I agree that the kiss, which was against the agreement, was wrong, I wonder if maybe you are dragging your feet impossibly. In which case, if he were on here saying that his partner wouldn't allow him to see/be with anyone else, though she knew he was poly, well, I think many would tell him it was time to end the relationship, because obviously she was mono and wasn't willing to accept him for who he was.

I'm NOT judging you, not at all, because, as I said, I'm just going on what I've read in this thread. I have a heart too, and it's been crushed to smithereens. It sounds like you are there. I just hope maybe something I said could give you a little broader perspective.

If you two really love each other, and he really is poly by nature, it will only work if you can allow him to LIVE poly. If you can't (and some people can't, that's okay), then really you do need to leave him, for both your sakes. It's not fair to you or him, really.
 
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