Broken Boundaries

I

I64 Trekker

New member
M53 married 20 years to F57. ENM began in 2019, but went dormant in 2020 with Covid and wife losing interest. Jump forward to now, and male neighbor across the street is interested in my wife. We chatted about it and agreed it was a bad idea, and I viewed this mutual agreement as a boundary. Lo and behold, they met up for action at a park a week ago Friday, and at our house again this past Thursday. (Note that we had also previously agreed our house was off limits.)

Q: Thoughts on path forward here? The whole situation is gnawing at me and keeping me up all night, and it probably doesn't help that I feel like I have now been cucked. (Keep in mind nothing bothered me about her other partners in 2019.) Mentioned my feelings about the broken boundaries to my wife, and minimal response from her thus far.
 
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Why do you think it's a bad idea to date the neighbor? Why does she think it's a good idea?

Sometimes one doesn't want to practice polyamory until the right person piques our interest.

You say wife lost interest in dating others in 2020. Did you lose interest too?
 
Boundaries are really ever only personal, the lines you draw for yourself about how you won't allow yourself to be treated before you take action to look after yourself - such as walking away. It's pretty hard to call something a boundary if it won't actually end your marriage.

You had an agreement, but she broke the agreement because she wanted to. If she's not ready to tell you why she wanted to, you have bigger problems than the neighbour, he's really just a scapegoat. LIke Magdlyn asked, why did you attempt to agree he was a bad idea in the first place? Was your gut instinct that going back to poly would actually end up being a soft exit for one of you from your marriage?
 
I'm sorry this is happening this way.

We chatted about it and agreed it was a bad idea, and I viewed this mutual agreement as a boundary.
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How did she view it? I read that at the time you both thought dating a neighbor was a bad idea. One or both of you could each change your mind about that, and it sounds like she did.

Was what was your explicit personal boundary that states the situation, and lists the actions YOU will take it if happens?

Ex:
  • "I don't want to be smashed (boundary). I look both ways before crossing the street, and then cross promptly. If a car is coming, I wait to let it pass (actions YOU will do).
  • "I don't lend my things to careless people (boundary). If that neighbor who borrowed and broke my weed eater, and never repaired or replaced it, comes asking to borrow the lawn mower, I'm going to say "NO" (action YOU will do).

So, here... what was your personal boundary? Something like "I'm not up for you dating the neighbors and making them my metamours, if things go wrong that make living here weird for me (boundary). If you date a neighbor, I'm going to move, so they aren't MY neighbor" (action YOU will do).

Or was it something else?

Lo and behold, they met up for action at a park a week ago Friday, and at our house again this past Thursday. (Note that we had also previously agreed our house was off limits.)
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Does "action" mean "sex"? I just want to be clear.

Whether it was making out or full-on sex, you aren't okay with this.

Why use your house? He's right across the street. Use his.

I mentioned my feelings about the broken boundaries to my wife, and have had minimal response from her, thus far.
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What was the minimal response from her? What did she do/say?

Your personal boundaries are for you to set and enforce. How do you plan to enforce your boundaries if she keeps on this way? Is this a dealbreaker for you?

Galagirl
 
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We discussed everything this morning, and are in alignment that boundaries were overstepped. On the park front, things happened that weren't anticipated. And on the house front, we both agreed that using the house moving forward is fine. The key takeaway is that changes to boundaries need to be discussed in advance, and not after the fact.
 
It sounds like the talk went well and you both realized you cannot assume.

You both need to talk about EXPLICIT boundaries out loud with each other.

GG
 
Hello I64 Trekker,

Sorry your wife went back on her agreement with you, I don't blame you for being upset. I get the impression she is determined to continue with this neighbor guy no matter what, so you are going to have to find a way to live with it, or divorce her. I know neither of those options is great. It does sound like the two of you were able to talk and sort things out a little. I hope things improve.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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