can anyone give a little advice?

eve82519

New member
Hello! This one might be a long one

I have been in a monogamous relationship with a poly man for almost 4 years. Just 3 weeks ago he asked about opening up our relationship, which I knew would eventually happen because in the very beginning of our journey, he told me he was poly though he never acted on it. I'm insecure because of past trauma and horrible relationships, and this one has been the best one I have ever had to the point I want to marry him. The Poly part was never a deal-breaker because I believe in respecting all people traits, lifestyles e.t.c, and I knew it was going to be a struggle for me, being monogamous, but I have thought long and hard about everything and realized as long as he's his full self and can still love me in the same way, I don't mind if he has another partner.

With that being said, I am now in a situation that I'm kind of torn about. He has developed feelings for a friend of ours which wasn't a surprise because I could tell when he started feeling romantic feelings for her. I know he loves me and I understand that he can also fall for other people but I feel this was kind of rushed....I'll explain.

After asking to open the relationship, I told him I'll need some time to process this. I didn't tell him no or anything of the sort because I already knew from the beginning he was poly, but I knew I REALLY needed time to process and grieve the loss of my monogamy as well as look my insecurities/trauma in the face and confront them. I understand that being with someone who is poly, the dynamic can change any time (well really for ALL relationships honestly). Within the last week, he has already talked to our friend about it, confessed his feelings, and has spent time with her, which I normally would not have had a problem with if I had the time to process things correctly and was able to talk to him about all of my concerns. I will put blame on myself for giving in and telling him to go spend time with her after he kept asking if it was ok, even though I knew I wasn't ready. I have adapted to the situation, however because things weren't discussed before hand, he never realized how I would feel about him dating a person whom I am also close to. I believe I would prefer not knowing the person so I don't have an obligation to care about their situation or have to talk to them face to face, but that's water under the bridge now. We all 3 have talked about it and she's only ok with it if I am as well, which I am still unsure if I am. I told my partner already several times that I need more time in order to get my feelings in check, but it seems his excitement about the new possible relationship is making things speed up faster than I can adjust to. I'm not sure if I'm hung up on him falling for our friend, or if its just I haven't had enough time. I don't want any of us hurt, I just want us all to be happy, healthy and loved. He has already admitted to the mistake of rushing me, but still asks questions, like when she's over at our place, can they do pda.

I guess I'm just asking for advice on how to speak to him about my concerns because he hasn't fully understood why I feel hurt when I see him cuddling with her or giving the same affection he I gives me. I think with time I can start to deal with it but I'm not sure if he can give me that time I need. I just want to know if I'm being too pushy or am I right to ask for more time

I'm definitely open to hearing all sides! I want to understand more so I can be able to have the tools to navigate this since I barely just started understanding it.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello eve82519,

It sounds like this friend your partner is interested in, is on your messy list: people you would rather he not get involved with because it's too messy. In this case, it's messy because you care about this friend, which makes you more involved in the situation than you really want to be. You would prefer he date someone who is a relative stranger to you. On the bright side, this friend cares about your feelings, and is not willing to pursue anything with your partner unless/until she knows you are okay with it. So maybe you have some time to process this before it becomes full-fledged dating.

I think your partner is experiencing NRE with this friend, and NRE is infamous for making someone (him) neglect/overlook his partner's feelings (yours). It would be good if he could realize that he is experiencing NRE, and if he could be a little more aware of the perils of NRE, and take steps to avoid those perils. Giving you more time to process before he dives in would certainly be one of those steps. Your friend may be experiencing NRE as well, but she is taking a more cautious approach. Your partner admits that he's rushing you, but then he continues to do it.

I definitely think it is fair and realistic for you to tell your partner that he is going too fast for you. Tell him you need him to backpedal a little bit. Less of the PDA's, and of the cuddling her in front of you. Honestly, when it's in front of you, he doesn't need to interact with her as more than a friend. That's pretty much the approach I take in my own poly situation (a V). I and my partner interact with each other platonically when her other partner (her husband) is around. And we have been together as a poly unit for almost 17 years so far. Your partner can definitely shield you from seeing his PDA's at least for now.

These are just some of my initial thoughts -- I will respond to your intro post as well, and respond to your ongoing posts -- hopefully I (and others) will be able to help. I just want to say, that for a monogamous person, you are being admirably tolerant towards polyamory ... and maybe he could return the favor.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

mountaingirl

Active member
Hm. a lot of the concerns you describe were conveyed to me by my husband when I fell in love with our best friend. I did not consider myself poly before then.
What you're doing is not easy! I'm not sure if you want to have your own relationship at any point, but being the mono in a mono-poly relationship is not simple (although I guess, no part of being poly is simple when your lives are pretty enmeshed). My point of view would be similar to your partner's. I can also talk about mistakes we made (a lot!) and things I would have done differently.

It is fair that you wanted more time. I'm not sure if you both had an agreement in place for a 'messy list', but that almost always includes friends. When I told Joe (my husband) about my feelings for P (our friend), all romantic stuff between P and I were on hold until Joe felt 'ready'. I thought that was fair. Many others on this forum suggested that coming up with a date of when certain things are okay is better than just an indefinite thing. It's more fair for everyone involved, and I wish I had done this in the beginning. There were mistakes made on my end as well as resentment that built up because I felt like I had to follow my husbands rules, or else. This may not be a problem for you (we all lived together and hung out a lot, and I had a lot of guilt that your partner may not experience since he knew he was poly), but when you're around each other and there's all these one sided rules in place (or, on the flip side, no boundaries at all) resentment can build up on all sides.

You may think more time will make you feel better, so ask for it. Compromise to figure out how long that is. *nothing* should be rushed and *no* major decisions need to be made (unless it's that you want to leave if this new dynamic doesn't work for you... just throwing that out there).

Keep an open line of communication with your partner. Has he been in more than one relationship at a time before? Does this new person have another partner? Your partner might be a crappy hinge at first (I sure was for awhile), so watch out for that. Set really clear boundaries that you can both agree to... NRE is real, and imo cannot be stifled, only prolonged if the people involved are forced to hide their feelings. These boundaries will change over time, which is why communication is so important.

ASK YOUR PARTNER TO MAKE A SCHEDULE AND STICK TO IT. omfg i cannot stress this enough. Your schedule won't change too much; you'll still be mono (for now? for life? whichever). Your partner's schedule will change quite a bit (depending on how much you all 3 hung out before this). Make dates with each other. Perhaps regular dates if you like routines. And make dates for yourself. Be more intentional with hangouts between all 3 of you. No one should expect things to remain the same between the 3 of you. Also, group sex is not a requirement of poly (this may seem like a duh thing, but there are a lot of horror stories on here, and all 3 of us unnecessarily toyed with the idea when we were confused and starting out). You may not become besties with your friend that is involved (or maybe you will? or maybe you already are?), but you should figure out what kind of relationship you would like to have with her. You won't know right away, and that obviously depends on what kind of person she is and what she wants. This also involves setting boundaries. Be ready for anything; i.e. don't run off and excommunicate her (and try not to take any feelings you have out on that relationship; it will be way more useful to talk to your partner), but don't expect things to remain the same, because in my experience they just don't. Hold onto your sense of self. Be honest with your partner. Figure out what being shared feels healthy for the two of you. My husband is my literal soul mate and we shared EVERYTHING at first because that's what we were used to doing. Sometimes too much can be communicated lol.
If you struggle a lot with your emotions, read the four agreements. The Untethered soul. Ask and it is given (there is an emotional ladder exercise in there that is super helpful). These are all awesome books for general self awareness and acceptance. It seems like you have a good attitude about it, i.e. "mourning the monogamous relationship" is pretty accurate imo. There are definitely some blogs and podcasts out there made for mono people with poly partners.
Do a soul search if you need to. Look for the positives in this, so that you don't feel like you're just doing this because your partner wants this life. Which, maybe you are.... but even then, you want to stay because you love your partner. You knew he was poly. This isn't a complete surprise (glazing over the fact that it is with your friend...), but you should still be kind to yourself. Don't expect yourself to be a superhuman who can handle whatever whenever.
You will learn a lot about yourself. My husband is a kick ass human being who used our situation to work on his self awareness (and he inspired me to as well!). This can be looked at like an opportunity, even if it feels confusing or like a loss right now. Everything has a silver lining.
Find someone **that you trust** to talk to who isn't on this forum, even if it's a therapist, and even if they don't fully understand your situation. Humans are much more capable of understanding than we give them credit for, *if they really care about you*. That being said, there is no shortage of shitty advice from mono people in mono relationships who think they know better than you.
like when she's over at our place, can they do pda.
You can say no to this. I know there are people on this forum who don't agree with this, but I don't do PDA with either of my partners and we all live together. We just make time to hang out separately/alone/together/with others. If not seeing that makes you feel more comfortable (and again, things can change) then you can ask for that.
It may feel harder to tell him to go be with her if he wants to do that, because that means you all aren't hanging out together and they are alone... but... you will also benefit from them having time alone with each other. You don't have to watch them pda. like, ever in my opinion; that's what I meant about the *figure out the schedule* and *how/if/when yall will all 3 be around each other*. You may need less time around your friend right now. Or more time alone with your friend! And you may need to schedule more 1-1 time with your partner to feel cared for in that relationship. These changes will affect your relationship with your friend, which is why friends are usually on a messy list.

Just realized my post is longer than yours (lol) but I feel really passionately about this, so i just wanted to share all of our fuck ups.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Great post, mountaingirl!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok?

Strongly encourage you all to slow down and consider first, WITHOUT him dating this friend yet.

I have been in a monogamous relationship with a poly man for almost 4 years. Just 3 weeks ago he asked about opening up our relationship, which I knew would eventually happen because in the very beginning of our journey, he told me he was poly though he never acted on it.

So how did you prepare for this eventuality?

What was the explicit expectation here exactly?
  • That it would be monogamous? If so? It's ok to change his mind. But not ok to rush into dating friend.
  • That over time it would change to a poly model? If so... why did you wait 4 years to start unpacking it?
Could you be willing to clarify what the expectations were?

We all 3 have talked about it and she's only ok with it if I am as well, which I am still unsure if I am.

That to me is a "working no." Because for sure it is not a "joyful yes."

So pump the brakes. Jumping in blind, doing poly under duress, none of that is good.

I told my partner already several times that I need more time in order to get my feelings in check, but it seems his excitement about the new possible relationship is making things speed up faster than I can adjust to.


Could you both read that together? He sounds kind of NRE drunk.

Don't look to him to be the "poly expert." Do your own reading and educate yourself.

You might be new to the idea of being in a mono-poly thing, but you are the expert on YOU and what you will and will not put up with.

So what is the consequence you do when people rush you faster than you can go?

I'm not sure if I'm hung up on him falling for our friend, or if its just I haven't had enough time.

Could be BOTH things.

  • You haven't had enough time to prepare/process what being in a mono-poly thing is.
  • You aren't crazy about him taking up with your friend. Because when the chips are down, we turn to friends for help with our problems. Now you cannot ask her for help. She's the other potential dating partner. It makes it weird.

I don't want any of us hurt, I just want us all to be happy, healthy and loved. He has already admitted to the mistake of rushing me, but still asks questions, like when she's over at our place, can they do pda.

Say no. No PDA.

You aren't even sure you want to be involved in a poly V thing where you are mono and he is poly. He hasn't gotten your consent on that.

So him asking you if you are ok with seeing PDA in the shared home is premature. They shouldn't even be dating yet. He's jumping the gun.

And while you do get a say in what goes on in common areas of the shared home?

If this is the start of shifting his hinge responsibilities on to you?

Or setting you up as the "gatekeeper" or "permission giver" of their activities?

That is gonna get really weird if they do end up dating. And start chomping at the bit wanting to hug or kiss or share sex and you are perceived as the blockade because "you are not ok with it yet."

Tread with caution.

What about fun money for friends, dating, socializing -- do you each have your own separating banking for that?

If you share a bedroom now and he wants to share sex with a new partner... what happens then? Do you need to move in preparation for poly or can this home manage? Maybe you want a split floor plan so you each have your own bedroom without a common wall? Or a shared room and a guest room?

Cuz if people poly date, eventually they want to share sex.

I guess I'm just asking for advice on how to speak to him about my concerns because he hasn't fully understood why I feel hurt when I see him cuddling with her or giving the same affection he I gives me.

You haven't agreed to participate in a mono-poly V with your friend yet and him the hinge with 2 sweeties. You have asked for more time. Was there a time set for your final decision?

He says he doesn't want to rush you, and she says she's not ok with it unless you are.

So what's up with them cuddling and all that? Are they both jumping the gun and starting to date prematurely?

I think with time I can start to deal with it but I'm not sure if he can give me that time I need.

If he can't? You could part ways.

So you can be free from poly things you do not want at all or are not ready for.

And he can be free to pursue poly things he does want. Without dragging you behind him or railroading/rushing you into it.

I just want to know if I'm being too pushy or am I right to ask for more time

You have the right to ask for more time.

Why is asking for what you need you being pushy?

Are you comfortable advocating for yourself? Being assertive?

If you tend toward passive and accommodating, learning to become more assertive and advocate for yourself might feel aggressive or pushy but it is NOT.

I'm definitely open to hearing all sides! I want to understand more so I can be able to have the tools to navigate this since I barely just started understanding it.

You might consider the Opening Up book and Polysecure.

While waiting for books to arrive, maybe read





And here is the thing. You can agree to take a time out to consider. And do it. Seriously consider.

And then say "I considered it. I pick no. No, thanks. I do not want to participate in anything poly. If this is something you must do, then here's where I have to get off the bus. "

You are NOT obligated to do poly just because he wants to. It is ok to end it as peacefully as possible instead.

So you can be free FROM poly things you do not want. And he can be free TO pursue poly things he wants.

And thus support each of you being healthy and happy in the long run. Rather than bending into pretzels making a big mess damaging selves or other people.

Again...

Strongly encourage you all to slow down and consider first, WITHOUT him dating this friend yet.
 
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Micjali

New member
Hello! This one might be a long one

I have been in a monogamous relationship with a poly man for almost 4 years. Just 3 weeks ago he asked about opening up our relationship, which I knew would eventually happen because in the very beginning of our journey, he told me he was poly though he never acted on it. I'm insecure because of past trauma and horrible relationships, and this one has been the best one I have ever had to the point I want to marry him. The Poly part was never a deal-breaker because I believe in respecting all people traits, lifestyles e.t.c, and I knew it was going to be a struggle for me, being monogamous, but I have thought long and hard about everything and realized as long as he's his full self and can still love me in the same way, I don't mind if he has another partner.

With that being said, I am now in a situation that I'm kind of torn about. He has developed feelings for a friend of ours which wasn't a surprise because I could tell when he started feeling romantic feelings for her. I know he loves me and I understand that he can also fall for other people but I feel this was kind of rushed....I'll explain.

After asking to open the relationship, I told him I'll need some time to process this. I didn't tell him no or anything of the sort because I already knew from the beginning he was poly, but I knew I REALLY needed time to process and grieve the loss of my monogamy as well as look my insecurities/trauma in the face and confront them. I understand that being with someone who is poly, the dynamic can change any time (well really for ALL relationships honestly). Within the last week, he has already talked to our friend about it, confessed his feelings, and has spent time with her, which I normally would not have had a problem with if I had the time to process things correctly and was able to talk to him about all of my concerns. I will put blame on myself for giving in and telling him to go spend time with her after he kept asking if it was ok, even though I knew I wasn't ready. I have adapted to the situation, however because things weren't discussed before hand, he never realized how I would feel about him dating a person whom I am also close to. I believe I would prefer not knowing the person so I don't have an obligation to care about their situation or have to talk to them face to face, but that's water under the bridge now. We all 3 have talked about it and she's only ok with it if I am as well, which I am still unsure if I am. I told my partner already several times that I need more time in order to get my feelings in check, but it seems his excitement about the new possible relationship is making things speed up faster than I can adjust to. I'm not sure if I'm hung up on him falling for our friend, or if its just I haven't had enough time. I don't want any of us hurt, I just want us all to be happy, healthy and loved. He has already admitted to the mistake of rushing me, but still asks questions, like when she's over at our place, can they do pda.

I guess I'm just asking for advice on how to speak to him about my concerns because he hasn't fully understood why I feel hurt when I see him cuddling with her or giving the same affection he I gives me. I think with time I can start to deal with it but I'm not sure if he can give me that time I need. I just want to know if I'm being too pushy or am I right to ask for more time

I'm definitely open to hearing all sides! I want to understand more so I can be able to have the tools to navigate this since I barely just started understanding it.
I am in the same situation, but reversed. I can promise you the newbie looks at both of you the same way and feels insecure. Let me assure you that every person gets used to the "new" too. All new things become old things in time. I have been married for almost 6 years. Now I can be with this guy I met and fell in love with 12 years ago (he was already married), but his wife will be part of the package. We get along very well. We love each other. We did engage in sexual activity together, and I loved all of it. I am also looking for people to convince me that Poly is a good thing and can work out. I would regret leaving a good place just to find out that it is a scam. I think the fact that it is not considered by humanity in general makes it even harder. But would rather be on my own than in a horrible situation. Note there is children on both sides.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I am in the same situation, but reversed. I can promise you the newbie looks at both of you the same way and feels insecure. Let me assure you that every person gets used to the "new" too. All new things become old things in time. I have been married for almost 6 years. Now I can be with this guy I met and fell in love with 12 years ago (he was already married), but his wife will be part of the package. We get along very well. We love each other. We did engage in sexual activity together, and I loved all of it. I am also looking for people to convince me that Poly is a good thing and can work out. I would regret leaving a good place just to find out that it is a scam. I think the fact that it is not considered by humanity in general makes it even harder. But would rather be on my own than in a horrible situation. Note there is children on both sides.
You should make your own thread. It will be easier for us to convince you that poly can be a good thing, and help you consider if it's the right thing for you. Those are two totally different things. Nobody here will be telling you that it's definitely a good thing for you. I think that might even be against the rules!

Despite being poly, we're probably more likely to say it isn't something you should do right now if we look at the stats on these kinds of threads.
 

eve82519

New member
I am in the same situation, but reversed. I can promise you the newbie looks at both of you the same way and feels insecure. Let me assure you that every person gets used to the "new" too. All new things become old things in time. I have been married for almost 6 years. Now I can be with this guy I met and fell in love with 12 years ago (he was already married), but his wife will be part of the package. We get along very well. We love each other. We did engage in sexual activity together, and I loved all of it. I am also looking for people to convince me that Poly is a good thing and can work out. I would regret leaving a good place just to find out that it is a scam. I think the fact that it is not considered by humanity in general makes it even harder. But would rather be on my own than in a horrible situation. Note there is children on both sides.
I had a feeling it's the same with her. I usually don't show pda in front of people because I feel it would make some people uncomfortable. I want us all to be comfortable and happy, even when we're all together.
I think you have to reflect a lot on how you feel and what you actually want in a relationship, as I have realized during this whole process. No once can convince you on something that you don't want or believe in imo.
 

mountaingirl

Active member
I'm pretty sure there are no such rules, but if you can find them, please post the link.
pretty sure these rules are unspoken, since poly isn't for everyone and this site is not for being convinced of/told anything imo. or is this just u being a staff member and legitimately looking for a rulebook lol
 

eve82519

New member
Hello eve82519,

It sounds like this friend your partner is interested in, is on your messy list: people you would rather he not get involved with because it's too messy. In this case, it's messy because you care about this friend, which makes you more involved in the situation than you really want to be. You would prefer he date someone who is a relative stranger to you. On the bright side, this friend cares about your feelings, and is not willing to pursue anything with your partner unless/until she knows you are okay with it. So maybe you have some time to process this before it becomes full-fledged dating.

I think your partner is experiencing NRE with this friend, and NRE is infamous for making someone (him) neglect/overlook his partner's feelings (yours). It would be good if he could realize that he is experiencing NRE, and if he could be a little more aware of the perils of NRE, and take steps to avoid those perils. Giving you more time to process before he dives in would certainly be one of those steps. Your friend may be experiencing NRE as well, but she is taking a more cautious approach. Your partner admits that he's rushing you, but then he continues to do it.

I definitely think it is fair and realistic for you to tell your partner that he is going too fast for you. Tell him you need him to backpedal a little bit. Less of the PDA's, and of the cuddling her in front of you. Honestly, when it's in front of you, he doesn't need to interact with her as more than a friend. That's pretty much the approach I take in my own poly situation (a V). I and my partner interact with each other platonically when her other partner (her husband) is around. And we have been together as a poly unit for almost 17 years so far. Your partner can definitely shield you from seeing his PDA's at least for now.

These are just some of my initial thoughts -- I will respond to your intro post as well, and respond to your ongoing posts -- hopefully I (and others) will be able to help. I just want to say, that for a monogamous person, you are being admirably tolerant towards polyamory ... and maybe he could return the favor.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
In a way I'm happy but still uncomfortable that it's my friend he's interested in just because I know these situations can be messy. All 3 of us talked together and she's fine with waiting because she is processing this as well and trying to sort out what she wants. He and I also have talked and he's agreed to slowing down and giving both of us (his partners) some time to work through everything so we all can be comfortable while spending time all together, as well as securing our own relationship to a point where I feel I am important and loved by him.

Thank you, I try to be tolerant and understanding to everyone. I know we're all wired differently and I feel that it'd be kinda hypocritical of me to just bash someone's core being while I'm part of the lgbtq+ community (pansexual), because I've been scrutinized as well.

I appreciate the response and helping me sort through what I should do, because I felt like I was gonna be a nag trying to ask him to slow down. It's also nice to see other people succeed that have been in the same, or similar, situation I'm in currently. It gives me hope that I can get to a place where all of us are happy, comfortable, and loved.
 

eve82519

New member
So how did you prepare for this eventuality?

What was the explicit expectation here exactly?
  • That it would be monogamous? If so? It's ok to change his mind. But not ok to rush into dating friend.
  • That over time it would change to a poly model? If so... why did you wait 4 years to start unpacking it?
Could you be willing to clarify what the expectations were?
I didn't prepare well to be honest. It was always there in the back of my mind and I had thought of it from time to time, but I thought he would ask me about how I feel about him dating other people before he even initiated anything.

My expectation wasn't to have him date her because of the messiness that can happen, plus I felt like it's kind of like losing a friend. I use to back away from potential partners when a friend of mine showed interest in the same person. I'd rather they be happy over me, but now this is a completely different situation because of our established relationship. I wanted a mono relationship, but I always knew there'd be a time that he could change his mind. He even tried to be mono for me(which is why we're dealing with this years later) but realized that he wasn't fully happy with himself doing that. I'd never want him to not be happy or comfortable with himself. I was just hoping that he could find a partner outside of our friend circle, this way there would be no messy situations and I wouldn't have to interact much, if not at all, with his other partner. I say that because I didn't want to be "in the middle" in case there was a disagreement or anything of that nature. I like to help people through problems and I know if there is one, I'm the first one ready to try to solve it so there is happiness again for those I care about.


Could you both read that together? He sounds kind of NRE drunk.

Don't look to him to be the "poly expert." Do your own reading and educate yourself.

You might be new to the idea of being in a mono-poly thing, but you are the expert on YOU and what you will and will not put up with.

So what is the consequence you do when people rush you faster than you can go?

Thanks for that link. We'll definitely both read it. He knew he was poly, but always felt guilt because of it. This is actually the first time he's experiencing this world and is also a novice. We're trying to go through this together. I have been reading, watching, listening to every type of media to research it and see if its a fit for me before any major decision is made.
Say no. No PDA.

You aren't even sure you want to be involved in a poly V thing where you are mono and he is poly. He hasn't gotten your consent on that.

So him asking you if you are ok with seeing PDA in the shared home is premature. They shouldn't even be dating yet. He's jumping the gun.

And while you do get a say in what goes on in common areas of the shared home?

If this is the start of shifting his hinge responsibilities on to you?

Or setting you up as the "gatekeeper" or "permission giver" of their activities?

That is gonna get really weird if they do end up dating. And start chomping at the bit wanting to hug or kiss or share sex and you are perceived as the blockade because "you are not ok with it yet."

Tread with caution.

What about fun money for friends, dating, socializing -- do you each have your own separating banking for that?

If you share a bedroom now and he wants to share sex with a new partner... what happens then? Do you need to move in preparation for poly or can this home manage? Maybe you want a split floor plan so you each have your own bedroom without a common wall? Or a shared room and a guest room?

Cuz if people poly date, eventually they want to share sex.
I just had the talk about pda with him and he agreed to no pda in front of me or at home.
I get a say in what happens at home, he just didn't have a conversation with me before hand on how I feel about seeing him cuddled up to someone else. He's realized and apologized (several times) and is pulling the reigns on how fast he's going.
I don't want to be a gatekeeper, just comfortable and to a point that I feel comfortable enough to not think daily that he's "leaving me for someone else'.

We've gone over kissing, hugging, and sex, and have come to an agreement, and we both know those things are subject to change once I actually FULLY think about everything.

We have separate banking, friends, etc. Through this I've learned we aren't co-dependent and are able to do and experience things separately, which is a relief because imo those type of relationships can be unhealthy.

Though I'm not fully on board, we have already agreed, no sex in our home. To me it feels like an invasion and he agreed. I know where romantic emotions can take a person and I'm still trying to figure out of that's a hard no for me still
You haven't agreed to participate in a mono-poly V with your friend yet and him the hinge with 2 sweeties. You have asked for more time. Was there a time set for your final decision?

He says he doesn't want to rush you, and she says she's not ok with it unless you are.

So what's up with them cuddling and all that? Are they both jumping the gun and starting to date prematurely?



If he can't? You could part ways.

So you can be free from poly things you do not want at all or are not ready for.

And he can be free to pursue poly things he does want. Without dragging you behind him or railroading/rushing you into it.



You have the right to ask for more time.

Why is asking for what you need you being pushy?

Are you comfortable advocating for yourself? Being assertive?

If you tend toward passive and accommodating, learning to become more assertive and advocate for yourself might feel aggressive or pushy but it is NOT.
There was no set time for it. I told him I know it'll take me a while on processing all of it, possibly months. He understands and is willing to give me some time before he makes any move.

Them cuddling was mostly a mistake on his part. He initiated it and thought I'd be ok and told her the same, which obviously I wasn't. He knows he jumped the gun on that and has reeled it in. They haven't started dating after we all had a conversation. She also needs time because she's also feeling really guilty.

The pushy part is from my past. My ex used to say that to me all of the time, so it basically never left my brain. I'm usually assertive in what I want and how I feel, but at that time my ex made me feel that I was being pushy and that wore me down to being more passive. I know that is one of the things that I have to work on, I refuse to be a doormat again.

You might consider the Opening Up book and Polysecure.

While waiting for books to arrive, maybe read




Thank you for the info. I'm currently reading Polysecure and I'll check that other book and links out once I'm done.
And here is the thing. You can agree to take a time out to consider. And do it. Seriously consider.

And then say "I considered it. I pick no. No, thanks. I do not want to participate in anything poly. If this is something you must do, then here's where I have to get off the bus. "

You are NOT obligated to do poly just because he wants to. It is ok to end it as peacefully as possible instead.

So you can be free FROM poly things you do not want. And he can be free TO pursue poly things he wants.

And thus support each of you being healthy and happy in the long run. Rather than bending into pretzels making a big mess damaging selves or other people.

Again...

Strongly encourage you all to slow down and consider first, WITHOUT him dating this friend yet.
I promise, I'm considering. Though it has been a short time, I am a lot more comfortable than I was from my last post. Poly might not be for me, but I don't even know that yet. I believe with time I can warm up to it, but I want to fully make sure before ANY type of decision is made.

I don't want to break up at all. Though I know it's possible, even if he wasn't poly, I have no intentions of going anywhere. In my eyes, he's my soulmate and I can't possibly give up our relationship without trying to understand how he's wired and working through any conflict that arises and how I feel about letting him date other people.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I didn't prepare well to be honest. It was always there in the back of my mind and I had thought of it from time to time, but I thought he would ask me about how I feel about him dating other people before he even initiated anything.

My expectation wasn't to have him date her because of the messiness that can happen, plus I felt like it's kind of like losing a friend. I use to back away from potential partners when a friend of mine showed interest in the same person. I'd rather they be happy over me, but now this is a completely different situation because of our established relationship. I wanted a mono relationship, but I always knew there'd be a time that he could change his mind. He even tried to be mono for me(which is why we're dealing with this years later) but realized that he wasn't fully happy with himself doing that. I'd never want him to not be happy or comfortable with himself. I was just hoping that he could find a partner outside of our friend circle, this way there would be no messy situations and I wouldn't have to interact much, if not at all, with his other partner. I say that because I didn't want to be "in the middle" in case there was a disagreement or anything of that nature. I like to help people through problems and I know if there is one, I'm the first one ready to try to solve it so there is happiness again for those I care about.



Thanks for that link. We'll definitely both read it. He knew he was poly, but always felt guilt because of it. This is actually the first time he's experiencing this world and is also a novice. We're trying to go through this together. I have been reading, watching, listening to every type of media to research it and see if its a fit for me before any major decision is made.

I just had the talk about pda with him and he agreed to no pda in front of me or at home.
I get a say in what happens at home, he just didn't have a conversation with me before hand on how I feel about seeing him cuddled up to someone else. He's realized and apologized (several times) and is pulling the reigns on how fast he's going.
I don't want to be a gatekeeper, just comfortable and to a point that I feel comfortable enough to not think daily that he's "leaving me for someone else'.

We've gone over kissing, hugging, and sex, and have come to an agreement, and we both know those things are subject to change once I actually FULLY think about everything.

We have separate banking, friends, etc. Through this I've learned we aren't co-dependent and are able to do and experience things separately, which is a relief because imo those type of relationships can be unhealthy.

Though I'm not fully on board, we have already agreed, no sex in our home. To me it feels like an invasion and he agreed. I know where romantic emotions can take a person and I'm still trying to figure out of that's a hard no for me still

There was no set time for it. I told him I know it'll take me a while on processing all of it, possibly months. He understands and is willing to give me some time before he makes any move.

Them cuddling was mostly a mistake on his part. He initiated it and thought I'd be ok and told her the same, which obviously I wasn't. He knows he jumped the gun on that and has reeled it in. They haven't started dating after we all had a conversation. She also needs time because she's also feeling really guilty.

The pushy part is from my past. My ex used to say that to me all of the time, so it basically never left my brain. I'm usually assertive in what I want and how I feel, but at that time my ex made me feel that I was being pushy and that wore me down to being more passive. I know that is one of the things that I have to work on, I refuse to be a doormat again.


Thank you for the info. I'm currently reading Polysecure and I'll check that other book and links out once I'm done.

I promise, I'm considering. Though it has been a short time, I am a lot more comfortable than I was from my last post. Poly might not be for me, but I don't even know that yet. I believe with time I can warm up to it, but I want to fully make sure before ANY type of decision is made.

I don't want to break up at all. Though I know it's possible, even if he wasn't poly, I have no intentions of going anywhere. In my eyes, he's my soulmate and I can't possibly give up our relationship without trying to understand how he's wired and working through any conflict that arises and how I feel about letting him date other people.
I don't think it's a good idea that he does everything on your timescale. It's his home too, he should think carefully before making agreements that he won't show affection or ever have sex with other partners in your home. Even if it "might" change one day.

I think it's unrealistic and greatly increases the chances of "cheating" just because you want to interact normally with the person you love.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I find it very unfortunate that he decided to just forge ahead with a friend of both of yours without even saying something like, "Hey, I am crushing on Friend. I really want to start a romantic relationship with her. And I have already told her I have a crush on her. And tonight we want to start getting more intimate by cuddling, in our shared home, in front of you. What do you think? How would that feel for you?"

Even better would have been, "Hey, can we have a serious talk about polyamory? What time would be good to do that?" And you could choose to do it if you are both well-rested, nourished and don't have to work the next day. And if the talk gets heated, someone gets emotionally flooded, or tired, or hungry again, etc., you stop the talk and resume later. This kind of negotiation can take months, even a year.

Then, once he gives you some time to get used to the idea that he feels ready to delve into poly again, he could tell you he has his sights set on Friend. But meanwhile, you both could have read a bit of poly literature, where you'd find out that best friends are on the "don't date these people" lists of many/most experienced polyamorists. Yes, she's local, yes, she's known. But you're used to advising her on her dating issues. You can't do that if she's dating your nesting partner! That would be incredibly awkward.

There are 8 billion people in the world. Hopefully there are better people to date than this one person with whom you have a good platonic relationship that would go all awry if BF dated her.

I am not surprised Friend feels guilty and is more than willing to pump the brakes. She was told you'd be OK with this when you actually weren't consulted AT ALL.

I wonder if your bf is an Aries haha. They are so impulsive. Ready fire aim! is their MO.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello eve82519,

I am glad to hear that you are feeling a little better about things with your partner and about polyamory in general; I think that as you continue to read, post, and engage in discussion with your partner, you will continue to find more secure footing in this strange polyamorous world. That process is already under way.

As you continue in this journey, keep in mind that people can feel happy, comfortable, and loved, even if they agree to some compromises. I'm not sure how important PDA's (in front of you) are to your partner. Sometimes something seems like a must to us when we're in the throes of NRE, whereas with time, the NRE settles down and we begin to have more of a mind that we can compromise on that point (without compromising our fundamental feelings and beliefs).

LOL, I think you have to be a nag, to some extent, when your partner is in the throes of NRE. NRE is like alcohol (a heavy dose of alcohol); it impairs our judgment, and makes us forget or overlook our original partner's feelings and needs. In that situation, we actually need our partner to remind us of the things we're forgetting and overlooking. Your partner is kind of "hard of hearing" right now, and needs you to wave a hand sometimes and say, "Hey, I'm still here, and I need your consideration too." That seems to be true in this case because when you asked your partner to slow down, he said yes to your request. And he's agreed to work on securing his relationship with you to the point where you feel important to him, and loved by him.

This polyamorous journey you are on will be gradual and painstaking -- even your friend/metamour, who is no doubt experiencing some NRE, realizes that. Your partner has experienced the rush of NRE as an urgent need to rush; it is good that both of his partners (you and your friend/metamour) are telling him, "Hey dude, we need time to process all of this." In time, he will probably realize that he needs to do some of his own processing. He'll know when the time is right for that realization.

I can see how being pansexual would help you to have an open mind about polyamory -- both are rather lacking in acceptance by society at large. Still I have to admire your accepting attitude, and I would add that while you can be okay with other people living polyamorously, you still have to learn by experience whether polyamory is something you can stand to have in your own life (or in the life of your partner). So far that looks hopeful, but don't beat yourself up if you end up concluding that you can't live mono/poly (or otherwise polyamorously).

Thanks for your posts so far, and I look forward to your future posts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

eve82519

New member
Hm. a lot of the concerns you describe were conveyed to me by my husband when I fell in love with our best friend. I did not consider myself poly before then.
What you're doing is not easy! I'm not sure if you want to have your own relationship at any point, but being the mono in a mono-poly relationship is not simple (although I guess, no part of being poly is simple when your lives are pretty enmeshed). My point of view would be similar to your partner's. I can also talk about mistakes we made (a lot!) and things I would have done differently.

It is fair that you wanted more time. I'm not sure if you both had an agreement in place for a 'messy list', but that almost always includes friends. When I told Joe (my husband) about my feelings for P (our friend), all romantic stuff between P and I were on hold until Joe felt 'ready'. I thought that was fair. Many others on this forum suggested that coming up with a date of when certain things are okay is better than just an indefinite thing. It's more fair for everyone involved, and I wish I had done this in the beginning. There were mistakes made on my end as well as resentment that built up because I felt like I had to follow my husbands rules, or else. This may not be a problem for you (we all lived together and hung out a lot, and I had a lot of guilt that your partner may not experience since he knew he was poly), but when you're around each other and there's all these one sided rules in place (or, on the flip side, no boundaries at all) resentment can build up on all sides.
Yeah, I'm seeing that it isn't very simple. I have days where I'm ok, and days where I'm not so ok. I believe I will with time though, as I have done a lot of thinking about how I feel about him dating other people and came to a realization that it's not as bad as it sounds (it means I get more free time to crochet!)

We didn't get to a messy list, everything just kind of happened quickly. 2-3 weeks after bringing up him dating, he already had confessed to her. I told him I'll need time, but I'm not sure how much because it is a lot to sort through in my head (along with all of the other depressing stuff that we had gone through before this). I don't plan it on being extremely long, which I did tell him.

We've set up some temp requests that we've talked about in length, so he doesn't feel like I'm stopping him, and I can feel more comfortable and be able to think clearly. He has agreed to them and is fine with it ( though I think I bug him too much asking, are you sure you're ok with this for now?)

Keep an open line of communication with your partner. Has he been in more than one relationship at a time before? Does this new person have another partner? Your partner might be a crappy hinge at first (I sure was for awhile), so watch out for that. Set really clear boundaries that you can both agree to... NRE is real, and imo cannot be stifled, only prolonged if the people involved are forced to hide their feelings. These boundaries will change over time, which is why communication is so important.

We have talked so much more after the initial conversation, and continue talking about it even now. He has admitted he's made a few mistakes, and I forgive him of course because crap happens. I know he'll make more mistakes, especially since this is his first time actually being in 2 relationships at the same time. The temp boundaries have been set and both of us have fully agreed to them, which I'm grateful for. She does not have a partner, and she herself wants a primary relationship in the future. I have asked for more time separate from her because the NRE is really obvious.

ASK YOUR PARTNER TO MAKE A SCHEDULE AND STICK TO IT. omfg i cannot stress this enough. Your schedule won't change too much; you'll still be mono (for now? for life? whichever). Your partner's schedule will change quite a bit (depending on how much you all 3 hung out before this). Make dates with each other. Perhaps regular dates if you like routines. And make dates for yourself. Be more intentional with hangouts between all 3 of you. No one should expect things to remain the same between the 3 of you. Also, group sex is not a requirement of poly (this may seem like a duh thing, but there are a lot of horror stories on here, and all 3 of us unnecessarily toyed with the idea when we were confused and starting out). You may not become besties with your friend that is involved (or maybe you will? or maybe you already are?), but you should figure out what kind of relationship you would like to have with her. You won't know right away, and that obviously depends on what kind of person she is and what she wants. This also involves setting boundaries. Be ready for anything; i.e. don't run off and excommunicate her (and try not to take any feelings you have out on that relationship; it will be way more useful to talk to your partner), but don't expect things to remain the same, because in my experience they just don't. Hold onto your sense of self. Be honest with your partner. Figure out what being shared feels healthy for the two of you. My husband is my literal soul mate and we shared EVERYTHING at first because that's what we were used to doing. Sometimes too much can be communicated lol.
I've seen that everywhere, google calendars have been suggested everywhere I go. We have started talking about this and he's figuring a schedule that'll work for all of us.

Her and I are good friends, so it has made it hard for me to figure out how to go about us being friends. Threesomes is a no go for me (only because I'm not sexually attracted to her, plus the MESS that can come out of that). I know things won't ever be the same because this is a whole new dynamic that's complicated.

My partner and I have always been open and honest with each other since the beginning. I'm so grateful for that, because that built my trust in him and vice versa. We have shared everything with each other, so it's not difficult for us to open up to each other
If you struggle a lot with your emotions, read the four agreements. The Untethered soul. Ask and it is given (there is an emotional ladder exercise in there that is super helpful). These are all awesome books for general self awareness and acceptance. It seems like you have a good attitude about it, i.e. "mourning the monogamous relationship" is pretty accurate imo. There are definitely some blogs and podcasts out there made for mono people with poly partners.
Do a soul search if you need to. Look for the positives in this, so that you don't feel like you're just doing this because your partner wants this life. Which, maybe you are.... but even then, you want to stay because you love your partner. You knew he was poly. This isn't a complete surprise (glazing over the fact that it is with your friend...), but you should still be kind to yourself. Don't expect yourself to be a superhuman who can handle whatever whenever.
You will learn a lot about yourself. My husband is a kick ass human being who used our situation to work on his self awareness (and he inspired me to as well!). This can be looked at like an opportunity, even if it feels confusing or like a loss right now. Everything has a silver lining.
Find someone **that you trust** to talk to who isn't on this forum, even if it's a therapist, and even if they don't fully understand your situation. Humans are much more capable of understanding than we give them credit for, *if they really care about you*. That being said, there is no shortage of shitty advice from mono people in mono relationships who think they know better than you.
Thank you for the book suggestions. I have a hard time talking about my feelings because I don't want to hurt anyone, which I know isn't healthy.

I have learned a lot about myself during this time and I have thought of therapy a lot more now and am actually considering it (I do have anxiety and depression so I know that'll help)
You can say no to this. I know there are people on this forum who don't agree with this, but I don't do PDA with either of my partners and we all live together. We just make time to hang out separately/alone/together/with others. If not seeing that makes you feel more comfortable (and again, things can change) then you can ask for that.
It may feel harder to tell him to go be with her if he wants to do that, because that means you all aren't hanging out together and they are alone... but... you will also benefit from them having time alone with each other. You don't have to watch them pda. like, ever in my opinion; that's what I meant about the *figure out the schedule* and *how/if/when yall will all 3 be around each other*. You may need less time around your friend right now. Or more time alone with your friend! And you may need to schedule more 1-1 time with your partner to feel cared for in that relationship. These changes will affect your relationship with your friend, which is why friends are usually on a messy list.
I have said no PDA in front of me at home, and he's agreed. It's possibly temporary, until I know what with make me 100% comfortable. I have had a few one on ones with my friend and she's ok with me needing time separate from her. We both care about each other a lot and don't want this to break us apart. My partner and I agreed that we need more one on one time together. The friendship change is real and is one of the reasons why I'm kind of having a difficult time
Just realized my post is longer than yours (lol) but I feel really passionately about this, so i just wanted to share all of our fuck ups.
It's all good, I feel like the longer the post, the more information I can get. thank you for replying!
 

eve82519

New member
I don't think it's a good idea that he does everything on your timescale. It's his home too, he should think carefully before making agreements that he won't show affection or ever have sex with other partners in your home. Even if it "might" change one day.

I think it's unrealistic and greatly increases the chances of "cheating" just because you want to interact normally with the person you love.
I'm only asking for time because it's barely been a month since the initial conversation opening up our relationship, in which 2 weeks later, he asked her to be his partner. I'm very much aware that I cannot have all of the time in the world, I just need the time to break everything down into digestible chunks so I'm not hurting anyone or feeling any resentment.

I'm not going to say he's not going to cheat at all, because that is never 100%, but I trust in him not to. We have always talked a lot more than most monogamous couples throughout the time we've been together and are blunt and honest with each other. He knows how I feel 100% , an vice versa, and is very willing to wait for me to be more comfortable. I am not stopping him from seeing her, I just can't comfortably be around the both of them at the moment.
 

eve82519

New member
I am glad to hear that you are feeling a little better about things with your partner and about polyamory in general; I think that as you continue to read, post, and engage in discussion with your partner, you will continue to find more secure footing in this strange polyamorous world. That process is already under way.

As you continue in this journey, keep in mind that people can feel happy, comfortable, and loved, even if they agree to some compromises. I'm not sure how important PDA's (in front of you) are to your partner. Sometimes something seems like a must to us when we're in the throes of NRE, whereas with time, the NRE settles down and we begin to have more of a mind that we can compromise on that point (without compromising our fundamental feelings and beliefs).
Thank you. I'm feeling better, but I am having the flip flop of emotions, which I know is normal. I'm grateful they are both fine with the compromises and they both just want me to be happy. I'm learning pda in front of me is a no go, I should've figured that out sooner because I've always been uncomfortable with it even when its just a random couple. I guess it just feels awkward to me lol.
LOL, I think you have to be a nag, to some extent, when your partner is in the throes of NRE. NRE is like alcohol (a heavy dose of alcohol); it impairs our judgment, and makes us forget or overlook our original partner's feelings and needs. In that situation, we actually need our partner to remind us of the things we're forgetting and overlooking. Your partner is kind of "hard of hearing" right now, and needs you to wave a hand sometimes and say, "Hey, I'm still here, and I need your consideration too." That seems to be true in this case because when you asked your partner to slow down, he said yes to your request. And he's agreed to work on securing his relationship with you to the point where you feel important to him, and loved by him.
Yeah, he's in the NRE stage pretty deep right now, and I have to constantly say, "I feel like a third wheel". We both came to a conclusion that I won't be around them during this stage, which is sad because I do miss us all hanging out and I feel like I'm hurting her.
This polyamorous journey you are on will be gradual and painstaking -- even your friend/metamour, who is no doubt experiencing some NRE, realizes that. Your partner has experienced the rush of NRE as an urgent need to rush; it is good that both of his partners (you and your friend/metamour) are telling him, "Hey dude, we need time to process all of this." In time, he will probably realize that he needs to do some of his own processing. He'll know when the time is right for that realization.
The pain is real, and he knows he's in the throes of NRE and is trying to slow it down for both of our sakes. We all don't want to rush too fast because that could be detrimental to all of us.
I can see how being pansexual would help you to have an open mind about polyamory -- both are rather lacking in acceptance by society at large. Still I have to admire your accepting attitude, and I would add that while you can be okay with other people living polyamorously, you still have to learn by experience whether polyamory is something you can stand to have in your own life (or in the life of your partner). So far that looks hopeful, but don't beat yourself up if you end up concluding that you can't live mono/poly (or otherwise polyamorously).
Yeah, it was sad to see what kind of stigma is around polyamory. As far as I have seen about it, it's just about giving love and being loved in return. I'm all for that even though it might not be for me whether I stay mono or not. I know that decision will come with time. I'll try not to beat myself up, which I am prone to do. I want to just be able to think through this thoroughly to make sure this is the life in which I can be comfortable and happy.
 

eve82519

New member
I find it very unfortunate that he decided to just forge ahead with a friend of both of yours without even saying something like, "Hey, I am crushing on Friend. I really want to start a romantic relationship with her. And I have already told her I have a crush on her. And tonight we want to start getting more intimate by cuddling, in our shared home, in front of you. What do you think? How would that feel for you?"

Even better would have been, "Hey, can we have a serious talk about polyamory? What time would be good to do that?" And you could choose to do it if you are both well-rested, nourished and don't have to work the next day. And if the talk gets heated, someone gets emotionally flooded, or tired, or hungry again, etc., you stop the talk and resume later. This kind of negotiation can take months, even a year.

Then, once he gives you some time to get used to the idea that he feels ready to delve into poly again, he could tell you he has his sights set on Friend. But meanwhile, you both could have read a bit of poly literature, where you'd find out that best friends are on the "don't date these people" lists of many/most experienced polyamorists. Yes, she's local, yes, she's known. But you're used to advising her on her dating issues. You can't do that if she's dating your nesting partner! That would be incredibly awkward.

There are 8 billion people in the world. Hopefully there are better people to date than this one person with whom you have a good platonic relationship that would go all awry if BF dated her.

I am not surprised Friend feels guilty and is more than willing to pump the brakes. She was told you'd be OK with this when you actually weren't consulted AT ALL.

I wonder if your bf is an Aries haha. They are so impulsive. Ready fire aim! is their MO.
I WISH he did do that. Though I had notice his crush on her, I thought that he'd at least talk to me about it so we could have a in depth discussion and come up with something that could work for both of us.

I have been doing a lot of research and have relayed information to him whether it be me telling him what I read or sending him a link to something he can listen to (he's not a reader). She has also being doing her research and that is aiding her in this journey as well, and even she wants to figure out if she's ok with it. I found out that I won't be comfortable talking to her about their relationship or give advice, because you're right, that is awkward AF

He's actually a Cancer, which also makes sense to me because a lot of the moves he made was purely from emotion. As he said, he got "caught up in the feels"
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi eve82519,

You are communicating and researching; those are two very strong positives. It's also an extremely hopeful sign that your partner (your friend too) is cooperative and does not hold your difficult feelings against you. Some people would get defensive about their NRE, and he is not doing that. All of this adds up to a very promising chance that you will be able to make the poly (mono/poly) work (in spite of the messy friend being involved). If you can see a therapist, that would probably be helpful too.

You said you are not able to be around both of them at this time. Are you able to be around your friend when your partner's not around? One on one? Regardless, I would think your friend would be understanding of your need to reduce the time you spend with her, even if she misses that, she knows that this is a complicated situation and that you spending less time with her is something that is likely to happen. You might be able to spend more time with her again later on.

I appreciate your willingness to keep posting on this thread. The back and forth between you and the diverse array of active members here will give you food for thought and plenty of material to choose from. You can decide what thoughts and advice work best for you. The goal here is to figure out what will make all three of you comfortable and happy. You are perhaps not there yet, but you are getting there. I think all three of you will end up making some compromises at some point.

Regards and sincerity,
Kevin T.
 
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