Hello! This one might be a long one
I have been in a monogamous relationship with a poly man for almost 4 years. Just 3 weeks ago he asked about opening up our relationship, which I knew would eventually happen because in the very beginning of our journey, he told me he was poly though he never acted on it. I'm insecure because of past trauma and horrible relationships, and this one has been the best one I have ever had to the point I want to marry him. The Poly part was never a deal-breaker because I believe in respecting all people traits, lifestyles e.t.c, and I knew it was going to be a struggle for me, being monogamous, but I have thought long and hard about everything and realized as long as he's his full self and can still love me in the same way, I don't mind if he has another partner.
With that being said, I am now in a situation that I'm kind of torn about. He has developed feelings for a friend of ours which wasn't a surprise because I could tell when he started feeling romantic feelings for her. I know he loves me and I understand that he can also fall for other people but I feel this was kind of rushed....I'll explain.
After asking to open the relationship, I told him I'll need some time to process this. I didn't tell him no or anything of the sort because I already knew from the beginning he was poly, but I knew I REALLY needed time to process and grieve the loss of my monogamy as well as look my insecurities/trauma in the face and confront them. I understand that being with someone who is poly, the dynamic can change any time (well really for ALL relationships honestly). Within the last week, he has already talked to our friend about it, confessed his feelings, and has spent time with her, which I normally would not have had a problem with if I had the time to process things correctly and was able to talk to him about all of my concerns. I will put blame on myself for giving in and telling him to go spend time with her after he kept asking if it was ok, even though I knew I wasn't ready. I have adapted to the situation, however because things weren't discussed before hand, he never realized how I would feel about him dating a person whom I am also close to. I believe I would prefer not knowing the person so I don't have an obligation to care about their situation or have to talk to them face to face, but that's water under the bridge now. We all 3 have talked about it and she's only ok with it if I am as well, which I am still unsure if I am. I told my partner already several times that I need more time in order to get my feelings in check, but it seems his excitement about the new possible relationship is making things speed up faster than I can adjust to. I'm not sure if I'm hung up on him falling for our friend, or if its just I haven't had enough time. I don't want any of us hurt, I just want us all to be happy, healthy and loved. He has already admitted to the mistake of rushing me, but still asks questions, like when she's over at our place, can they do pda.
I guess I'm just asking for advice on how to speak to him about my concerns because he hasn't fully understood why I feel hurt when I see him cuddling with her or giving the same affection he I gives me. I think with time I can start to deal with it but I'm not sure if he can give me that time I need. I just want to know if I'm being too pushy or am I right to ask for more time
I'm definitely open to hearing all sides! I want to understand more so I can be able to have the tools to navigate this since I barely just started understanding it.
I have been in a monogamous relationship with a poly man for almost 4 years. Just 3 weeks ago he asked about opening up our relationship, which I knew would eventually happen because in the very beginning of our journey, he told me he was poly though he never acted on it. I'm insecure because of past trauma and horrible relationships, and this one has been the best one I have ever had to the point I want to marry him. The Poly part was never a deal-breaker because I believe in respecting all people traits, lifestyles e.t.c, and I knew it was going to be a struggle for me, being monogamous, but I have thought long and hard about everything and realized as long as he's his full self and can still love me in the same way, I don't mind if he has another partner.
With that being said, I am now in a situation that I'm kind of torn about. He has developed feelings for a friend of ours which wasn't a surprise because I could tell when he started feeling romantic feelings for her. I know he loves me and I understand that he can also fall for other people but I feel this was kind of rushed....I'll explain.
After asking to open the relationship, I told him I'll need some time to process this. I didn't tell him no or anything of the sort because I already knew from the beginning he was poly, but I knew I REALLY needed time to process and grieve the loss of my monogamy as well as look my insecurities/trauma in the face and confront them. I understand that being with someone who is poly, the dynamic can change any time (well really for ALL relationships honestly). Within the last week, he has already talked to our friend about it, confessed his feelings, and has spent time with her, which I normally would not have had a problem with if I had the time to process things correctly and was able to talk to him about all of my concerns. I will put blame on myself for giving in and telling him to go spend time with her after he kept asking if it was ok, even though I knew I wasn't ready. I have adapted to the situation, however because things weren't discussed before hand, he never realized how I would feel about him dating a person whom I am also close to. I believe I would prefer not knowing the person so I don't have an obligation to care about their situation or have to talk to them face to face, but that's water under the bridge now. We all 3 have talked about it and she's only ok with it if I am as well, which I am still unsure if I am. I told my partner already several times that I need more time in order to get my feelings in check, but it seems his excitement about the new possible relationship is making things speed up faster than I can adjust to. I'm not sure if I'm hung up on him falling for our friend, or if its just I haven't had enough time. I don't want any of us hurt, I just want us all to be happy, healthy and loved. He has already admitted to the mistake of rushing me, but still asks questions, like when she's over at our place, can they do pda.
I guess I'm just asking for advice on how to speak to him about my concerns because he hasn't fully understood why I feel hurt when I see him cuddling with her or giving the same affection he I gives me. I think with time I can start to deal with it but I'm not sure if he can give me that time I need. I just want to know if I'm being too pushy or am I right to ask for more time
I'm definitely open to hearing all sides! I want to understand more so I can be able to have the tools to navigate this since I barely just started understanding it.