Can I do non-monogamy?

[Tulip]

I am 43 and my boyfriend (B) is 47, I have 3 kids to my previous partner. Me and B have been together nearly 5 years and have lived together for the last 2. We are both kinky and he has been in open relationships before but mainly of the swinging variety. I am ok with light swinging together although I struggle a bit with him interacting with our female play partner. However, he wants more – not quite full on polyamoury but be able to have friends with benefits type relationships outside ours and obviously your cant legislate for feelings so although things may start as FWB feelings could develop. In theory I get it and want to do it and can see he can’t be monogamous but emotionally I am really struggling with the idea of it – including nightmares. I dreamt last night he came home and told me he met a 35 year old who he was now playing with – I woke up devastated and am struggling to shake the feeling even though it was just a dream. I identified it as a terrified feeling – absolutely terrified, that he is going to meet someone else and fall in love with them and I will be neglected, second best and perhaps even abandoned. My instinctual programming is screaming at me to leave before he hurts me. My logical adult self thinks differently but it is hard to over-ride the instinctual emotional me.

I have read sex at dawn and designer relationships which helped. I listened to more than two on audiobook and it was so distressing at certain points I had to stop listening to it and at one point I started screaming hysterically in the car on the way to work and had to pull over and call in sick as my head completely went.

I think I am having such a bad reaction as I have abandonment issues and other issues related to my dad dieing when I was 6 and a generally very difficult childhod – I have some very classic fatherless daughter issues. I have had loads of counselling and have always worked hard on myself psychologically. If I hadn’t got into a relationship with my current partner these things could have stayed nicely in their boxes and I have not had problems with adandonment issues etc before as I chose men who didn’t provoke me in this way. I have learnt to accept myself over the years and work round my issues by creating a life that accomadates them. The problem now is that I cant accomadate them and stay with my current partner, I have to face them head on and I have been trying really hard for the last year to process and get in a good place with it including reading lots on this forum and all the good articles posted here about dealing with jealousy. But I don’t know if I’m banging my head against a brick wall and I just have to accept that I cant handle this situation and have to let him go – but the thought of that makes my heart break in two – I really love this man more than anyone else before and as if I determinedly stay in my rational mind I get it and would like to be able to have this form of relationship for myself also. Wierdly I have always said I need at least 2 husbands because of the way I am in various ways – but I think my idea was that I can have 2 husbands and they could only have me ha ha!! Selfish I know!

So my question is, is there hope for someone like me to be able to do non-monogamy without becoming an emotional wreck? I have even considered going on anti-depressents so I can cope with it better as my emotions would be more manageable but it seems a bit extreme!

 

[sunray]

Hey, Tulip, it sounds to me like you already know, deep down, that trying to do this type of non-monogamy with your fella is going to be really, really, difficult for you. Would you need to go on antidepressants to handle it? Maybe. Would you need to do deep, difficult, ongoing psychological work pretty much every day, hopefully with the support of more counseling? Definitely!

Only you know how much work and struggle you’re willing to sign up for. Only you (or maybe not even you!) know how strong you are, and how much you can handle.

In your position, I probably wouldn’t be willing to put in that much work. I’d say, ‘you know, I like polyamory as a concept, and I can totally see how it can work well for some people. But because of my own personal life history, I don’t think I can be one of those people.’

Whatever you decide, wishing you strength and happiness!

 

[Tulip]

Thanks Sunray for your thoughts :0) I know what you mean – what you are saying would be the sensible thing to do, but I really love this man, in fact he is the first man I have truly loved, the kids love him, he is really good in every other way – I cannot imagine life without him and the thought of splitting up breaks me. I’m also really frustrated that my emotional make up/difficulties dictate to me what I can do with my life and the restrictions it puts on me – I feel that it makes me play small a lot in many areas and I have so much more inside me that wants to get out. I also seem to go from one difficulty to the next so even if we did split up I just wonder what other difficulty would be waiting to crush me down apart from the obvious heart break from ending the relationship. Its like I need to deal with whatever it is that keeps getting me into difficult situations etc and break this pattern and maybe that would free me to be better able to do non-monogamy and everything else I want to do and be. As I said I have already done lots of counselling and I am looking at all the different options for further therapy wondering which would be the best – ie somatic experiencing for trauma, a poly friendly counsellor to help work with me on that, hypnosis to go back and unstick the trauma…if I had endless time and money, I would do them all!

I’m willing to work hard, I always do anyway, I just feel I need some direction, advice and hope – mainly hope. I swing between thinking I am being ridiculous thinking I can make this work to seeing glimpses of how it could work. It doesn’t help that we cant talk about it properly yet – we have a lot of plans for the next month and B doesn’t really want to get deep into the discussions till after that – I presume in case it all goes wrong! I have sent him some articles like poly hell and dealing with jealousy stuff linked on this forum in other posts as I don’t think he really gets all that and there is a lot more he could be doing to make me feel safe and secure which is basically what I need. So, I feel a bit in limbo and I’m a person who needs to talk talk talk about everything! But I am glad we have found a way to start the conversation by me sending him useful info to inform our discussions.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am 43 and my boyfriend (B) is 47. I have 3 kids from my previous partner. B and I have been together nearly 5 years and have lived together for the last 2.

We are both kinky and he has been in open relationships before, but mainly of the swinging variety. I am ok with light swinging together although I struggle a bit with him interacting with our female play partner. However, he wants more – not quite full on polyamoury but be able to have friends with benefits type relationships outside ours.

Obviously you can't legislate feelings, so although things may start as FWB feelings could develop. In theory I get it and want to do it and can see he can’t be monogamous, but emotionally I am really struggling with the idea of it – including nightmares. I dreamt last night he came home and told me he met a 35 year old who he was now playing with – I woke up devastated and am struggling to shake the feeling even though it was just a dream.

I identified it as a terrified feeling – absolutely terrified that he is going to meet someone else and fall in love with them and I will be neglected, second best and perhaps even abandoned. My instinctual programming is screaming at me to leave before he hurts me. My logical adult self thinks differently but it is hard to over-ride the instinctual emotional me.

I have read Sex at Dawn and Designer Relationships, which helped. I listened to More Than Two on audiobook, and it was so distressing at certain points I had to stop listening to it. At one point I started screaming hysterically in the car on the way to work, and had to pull over and call in sick as my head completely went.

I think I am having such a bad reaction as I have abandonment issues and other issues related to my dad dying when I was 6, and a generally very difficult childhood – I have some very classic fatherless daughter issues. I have had loads of counselling and have always worked hard on myself psychologically.

If I hadn’t got into a relationship with my current partner these things could have stayed nicely in their boxes. I have not had problems with abandonment issues, etc. before as I chose men who didn’t provoke me in this way. I have learnt to accept myself over the years and work round my issues by creating a life that accommodates them. The problem now is that I can't accommodate them and stay with my current partner, I have to face them head on.

I have been trying really hard for the last year to process and get in a good place with it, including reading lots on this forum and all the good articles posted here about dealing with jealousy. But I don’t know if I’m banging my head against a brick wall and I just have to accept that I can't handle this situation and have to let him go. But the thought of that makes my heart break in two – I really love this man more than anyone else before.

If I determinedly stay in my rational mind I get it, and I would like to be able to have this form of relationship for myself also. Weirdly I have always said I need at least 2 husbands because of the way I am in various ways – but I think my idea was that I can have 2 husbands and they could only have me ha ha!! Selfish I know!

So my question is, is there hope for someone like me to be able to do non-monogamy without becoming an emotional wreck? I have even considered going on anti-depressants so I can cope with it better as my emotions would be more manageable, but it seems a bit extreme!

I am sorry you're struggling! Anti-depressants could quiet your sad and abandoned inner child a bit and allow your rational mind to be more in control. Thinking in a polyamorous way takes lots of time and practice. It can take a year or two to work things out to where they are comfortable and feel non-threatening. Maybe longer in your case.

Only you can decide if it's worth it. Maybe you can start a journal here in the section for that, and continue to write out your fears and ways of coping. I'm glad you read Sex at Dawn, great book.

 

[Tulip]

Thanks Magdlyn - yes sex at Dawn and designer relationships were both really good and gave me lots of hope. Can I ask how does one work toward thinking in a more polyamourous way? What are the best ways to get there would you say?

 

[GalaGirl]

If I determinedly stay in my rational mind I get it, and I would like to be able to have this form of relationship for myself also.

It sounds like you want this also.

Just that you have baggage from before you still have to unpack and process.

So my question is, is there hope for someone like me to be able to do non-monogamy without becoming an emotional wreck? I have even considered going on anti-depressants so I can cope with it better as my emotions would be more manageable, but it seems a bit extreme!

If you need to take antidepressents to get you through a rough patch, go ahead and see your doctor. Maybe you need those, maybe you need anxiety meds. Figure it out. Get a check up. There's nothing wrong with needing some help. Why is it "extreme" to you to do self care?

And maybe reconsider reframing that expectation of yourself. Why does it have to just leap to "emotional wreck?" It can't just be emotions? It has to be a wreck?

How about more like "How can someone like be me able to try nonmonogamy with better emotional coping skills? How can I reduce my triggers?" Things you can learn and build. Without immediately zooming off to the doom place.

Because you ARE gonna feel some stuff. And in order to build emotional resilience and not be afraid any more? You have to feel it and come out the other side. Discover that "Yes. That was rough but I made it! And doing X helped me... doing Y did not." So your "emotional coping toolbox" gets better.

No need to get in your own way making a tough thing harder. YKWIM?

I find how you write/talk to yourself really LOUD. Like this --

I cannot imagine life without him and the thought of splitting up breaks me. I’m also really frustrated that my emotional make up/difficulties dictate to me what I can do with my life and the restrictions it puts on me – I feel that it makes me play small a lot in many areas and I have so much more inside me that wants to get out. I also seem to go from one difficulty to the next so even if we did split up I just wonder what other difficulty would be waiting to crush me down apart from the obvious heart break from ending the relationship. Its like I need to deal with whatever it is that keeps getting me into difficult situations etc and break this pattern and maybe that would free me to be better able to do non-monogamy and everything else I want to do and be.

I'm not you. But just reading that makes me feel worn out.

You could try middle path more. Dial down the "emotional temperature" in how you talk to yourself. All that above? Looks like this to me with emotional words removed or dialed down to a more reasonable "volume."

I cannot imagine my life without him at this time. The thought of splitting up is upsetting right now.

I’m frustrated. I play small a lot in many areas. I have a habit of self-limiting myself. I have so much more inside me that wants to get out.

I find things in life difficult. If we broke up, I'd wonder what the next difficulty would be.

I wonder if things could be less overwhelming for you if you didn't have to listen to such loud "internal radio?" Learned to dial some of that down? And be more PRESENT MOMENT. Rather than "running up ahead." You sound anxious to me. And like you wear your own self out running "ahead" to check out all the possible doom to prepare. In case. But then it wears you out and makes you fearful and then you don't do stuff. Which then makes you bummed out. Like circles you want to break out of.

YOU are not your thoughts and your feelings.

You are a person who has some thoughts sometimes. And you can always change your mind.

You are a person who experiences some emotions sometimes. And whether happy ones or bummers? All feelings pass in time. Sunny days or rainy skies? They pass.

But neither the thoughts or the feelings are in the driver's seat. YOU are. So if you've been driving through life letting these "passengers" distract you with noise? Could tell them to sit and settle down and let YOU drive more quietly.

YOU get to make your choices. YES, some feelings and thoughts might happen. You are prepared to deal with them one thing at a time.

Continue your counseling and so on.

But try to rock your own boat less. Not to the point where you "play small" and never do anything and then regret that self limiting choice. But where you don't get in your own way. Like "YES. This is a challenging thing I choose to do. But I chose it! So shut the hell up, Old Baggage. I'm doing things here! I'm trying to grow!"

And pick "right size" challenges. Not biting off more than you can chew. But also not the same ol' same ol'.

Hope that makes sense.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks Magdlyn - yes sex at Dawn and designer relationships were both really good and gave me lots of hope. Can I ask how does one work toward thinking in a more polyamourous way? What are the best ways to get there would you say?

You can ask your partner for reassurance. You can ask him not to overflow his NRE for new partner onto you too much. You can make sure to identify your needs in a relationship, time, sex, cuddles, dates, etc., and request he meet your needs so you feel wanted and loved.

Also, since there are kids in the picture, make sure their needs come first. If you're a wreck dealing with polyamory, you won't be able to be a good mom. Make sure your bf knows how high your stress levels are and how it's affecting your ability to go to work, and care for the kids. I assume B takes something of a parental role, and also shares responsibility for household and car and yard maintenance? I hope he isn't so carried away with NRE that he's neglecting the day to day stuff.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Tulip,

It sounds like you need to be able to trust B, to be able to trust that he won't neglect you, make you second best, or leave you for someone else. In poly, the idea is that you don't need to choose, it's not one partner or the other, you can choose both partners. But you do need to take care not to neglect the original partner, especially when you are in NRE with a new partner.

It would probably be helpful if (you and) B could go slow, very slow, to move into poly one little step at a time, not *bam* all at once. Perhaps at first B could just chat with someone online, and not very often and not for very long at a time. Then he could meet that person for coffee, just coffee, and not a long session, just 30-60 minutes. Then maybe he could go on a date with that person, a movie or a walk in the park. And so on. Each step of the way, he would limit the duration and frequency with her, and he would check in with you to see how you're feeling, and if you need him to hold off on any further steps for awhile. Also he would make extra efforts to take you out on dates, and reassure you that he still cares just as much about you, and does not want to distance himself from you or leave you. It's important for him to agree to do these things ahead of time.

Also like Magdlyn said, when he does get into NRE, it will be important for him to be extra careful about how he handles it. He should not flood you with raves about his new girlfriend, he should only tell you the basic technical stuff that you would need to know. He should be careful not to spend tons of time with her, and hardly any with you. And when he's with you, he should be present with you, not constantly texting his new girlfriend.

I do think it would help you if you could find a poly-friendly therapist. And if you need to take anti-anxiety meds for awhile, do it. Also continue to post here, each little step of the way, so that we may continue to give you advice and feedback. Posting will also give you a chance to organize your thoughts and vent, which can help you a lot.

There's hope. Hang in there!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi Tulip welcome to the forum,

I read your post and skimmed the comments of our other members and IMO at your stage in life with 3 kids I can’t imagine trying to medicate or do countless hrs of therapy to modify your preference in romantic relationships to suit someone else.

HOW much of your time, money and most importantly yourself are you willing to settle for.

What if you spent thousands of dollars of therapy and drugs....hundreds of hrs reading and working on yourself only to find out you Just [B/] want to be someone’s # 1. Undivided attention ?? Given your background that doesn’t sound unreasonable or far fetched.

By doing all the things you suggested are you honoring yourself or your BF ?

What’s the upside for you by having a poly BF. From your post all I can see is he remains you bf and he’s “ happier “. Maybe he should take the happy pills and just call it a day Now I’m pissed I never thought of this before...oh well different topic.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Tulip, welcome to the forum.

I read your post and skimmed the comments of our other members. IMO at your stage in life, with 3 kids, I can’t imagine trying to medicate or do countless hours of therapy to modify your preference in romantic relationships to suit someone else.

Maybe she feels she's avoided her childhood issues long enough, and by being with this poly bf, she's choosing a way in which to confront and slay the dragon completely, freeing herself in many ways? Maybe she'd be a better mother if she didn't have these abandonment demons. Just an idea.

Sometimes talking therapy isn't enough. In fact, it is commonly recommended you use real life situations as a stage to work through your psychological theories and put them into practice. As painful as that may be, maybe it's worth it. Why do you keep coming here, dinged, after your experiences of being cheated on? To work through your issues? To feel better and nobler than others, a true victim? Or at this point, is it entirely altruistic?

How much of your time, money and most importantly, yourself, are you willing to settle for?

What if you spent thousands of dollars on therapy and drugs... hundreds of hours reading and working on yourself, only to find out you just want to be someone’s #1, having their undivided attention? Given your background that doesn’t sound unreasonable or far fetched.

By doing all the things you suggested, are you honoring yourself or your BF?

What’s the upside for you of having a poly bf? From your post all I can see is he remains your bf and he’s "happier." Maybe he should take the happy pills and just call it a day Now I’m pissed I never thought of this before... Oh well, different topic.

It's true that some antidepressants reduce libido. ha Take some Prozac and you won't be poly anymore! Problem solved. We can close the forum.

 

[Marcus]

I have sent him some articles like poly hell and dealing with jealousy stuff linked on this forum in other posts as I don’t think he really gets all that and there is a lot more he could be doing to make me feel safe and secure which is basically what I need.

I would stick with therapy and self-care. The further down this path of "make me feel safe" you go, the more resentment he will have for you.

It's important that we own our own issues, and do not hoist them onto our loved ones. You certainly *can* make it his problem, but that will only work if the two of you have an agreed upon goal of a codependent association.

Non-monogamy aside, it sounds like you've gone through tons of therapy and have many miles to go. I wish you all the best in finding a happy place. Who could say if that will involve this person or non-monogamy, but honestly it sounds like you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about this stuff.

 

[Magdlyn]

I would stick with therapy and self-care. The further down this path of "make me feel safe" you go, the more resentment he will have for you.

It's important that we own our own issues, and do not hoist them onto our loved ones. You certainly *can* make it his problem, but that will only work if the two of you have an agreed upon goal of a codependent association.

I disagree. It takes 2 to tango. Each person can own their contribution to the situation, and respectfully alleviate the other's distress by refining their approach. This doesn't indicate co-dependency. It just shows caring, manners, poly etiquette! "Don't be a dick" applies here as much as anywhere else.

Non-monogamy aside, it sounds like you've gone through tons of therapy and have many miles to go. I wish you all the best in finding a happy place. Who could say if that will involve this person or non-monogamy, but honestly it sounds like you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about this stuff.

Such as? What is bigger in life than a healthy primary romantic relationship? Once you've taken care of oxygen, shelter, water, food and such basics, of course?

This man is, I assume, helping to parent the kids in the situation. Shouldn't he put their needs first, or at least on a par, with his own?

 

[Vicki82]

I


Such as? What is bigger in life than a healthy primary romantic relationship? Once you've taken care of oxygen, shelter, water, food and such basics, of course?

Cue the SJWs on amatonormativity. Or maybe I've just been hearing too much of that lately.

Although your phrasing is rather on the extreme side of things, I think. I am very much a person who wants a healthy romantic relationship with life entwinement, but I don't think it's the end all and be all in life. I know people who are happy without partners, pursuing their own interests, and that's okay too.

 

[Tulip]

Thank you everyone for your really interesting and helpful replies.

Galagirl – It was a really interesting point about how loud I speak to myself and the intensity of it. I have big emotions, both good and bad so it can be a positive or a negative depending on what the feelings are. Good advice to try and turn it down thank you.

Kevin – yes trust has become a big issue. I had a bit of a breakdown after a meet with the female play partner (Y) in February and its like it broke my trust in him and I’m struggling to get it back. I started struggling with the vulvodynia in May last year which is around the time we started playing with Y. The vulvodynia has weakened me psychologically, emotionally and damaged my self esteem therefore I wasn’t in a strong place and I let B push/pressure me over some of my boundaries due to my weakened state and his persistence. I have a sex therapist due to having the vulvodynia but only get to see her every month or so due to wait lists. But she is very negative about non-monogamy, tells me the vulvodynia is due to my stress about it and that I should tell him no more or leave him. Stress does make the vulvodynia worse and whilst I think the stress from dealing with the non-mog can make it worse at times, I also don’t think it’s the whole story as to why it is there and as I’ve said I am hoping to be able to deal with the issues, dial down the emotions and thus hopefully the vulvodynia will improve.

I am thinking about finding a poly friendly therapist as I often come out from seeing the current one feeling confused and stressed. I am hoping a poly friendly therapist would at least be willing to work on the issues with me and if I cant get past them, then so be it, but I would at least like to try.

But yes, trust building and reassurance as Magdlyn also said is what I need I think. When I look at the poly advice there are definitely things he could do that would make it better in a ‘don’t be a dick’ way :0)

Dingedheart – you are totally right – it is a very crazy thing to do, especially as I am fairly sure it is implicated in some way in the vulvodynia but I have to try – I couldn’t live with the ‘what if’s’ and I don’t like to feel limited by difficult emotions. I was actually in a worse state psychologically before B came along and the kids have benefitted from a more stable mum and B’s input too the last 4 years or so. I would say its only since the February incident that things have been really tough and a lot of that is the struggles with the vulvodynia building up since the previous May and getting very mixed up with the non-mog.

 

[Tulip]

What is an SJW?

I am defo one of those people who would class a close romantic relationship and sex as primary needs - I can be single and have been whilst looking for the right person, but I function much better in relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Tulip,

Could you be more specific about what B did to break your trust? You said that it coincided with a meet with Y, and that B pushed/pressured you over some of your boundaries. What were the boundaries, and how did he push?

It sounds to me like the therapist you have is not the right one for you, not only because of her bias against nonmonogamy, but also because you often come out from seeing her feeling stressed and confused.

Regards,
Kevin T.

P.S. SJW = Social Justic Warrior = a person who zealously promotes causes he or she believes to be matters of social justice.
amatonormativity = the assumption that all human beings pursue love or romance, especially by means of a monogamous long-term relationship.

 

[ElMango]

Can I ask how does one work toward thinking in a more polyamourous way? What are the best ways to get there would you say?

Part of it is reaffirming your own self worth. You are worthy of love, and it is not something you are "lacking" that is making him "not want you"

You are still very much so wanted and desired.

For me it's like....my heart has so much room to love people in so many ways, so since I don't have to limit it I don't. For being insecure...i can still be that too. I am working on acknowledging the feelings, understanding them, and then letting them go

 

[Tulip]

I think the two main things I struggle with is the feeling of being less and the fear.

B wanting to be with other women makes me feel ‘less’. I can feel all the societal conditioning there too – ‘your man wants to/is persuing/is sleeping with other women, he is a bastard and you are a fool with no self esteem for putting up with it, leave him now’. And the fact is I am ‘less’ at the moment as the vulvodynia means our sex life is a shadow of what it was – there are lots of other women out there who have perfectly functioning vaginas so that concretely makes me feel ‘less’. I need new thoughts and beliefs that don’t make me feel less and worthless.

Underneath, there is also an ‘inner child’ who is petrified of being abandoned (part of the fatherless daughter issues I referenced earlier) and who is totally freaked out and is screaming at me to leave him before I get hurt. That has always been my pattern – I am super-sensitive to what is going on with partners and their feelings toward me and if I am not being completely loved and adored and treated as number 1 priority then she gets really mad and starts freaking and pushing me to walk away. I have chosen to be different in this relationship and communicate my needs etc and work things out which has generally worked really well but the non-mog situation is proving very challenging for me. I am really struggling to deal with the ‘inner childs’ terror and anger/rage.

 

[Tulip]

Kevin – I wont go into the specifics at this time as it would be a very long explanation and I also already feel quite identifiable to anyone who knows me so I’m a bit worried about my anonymity if I give more detail. And yes I agree I need to try find a poly friendly therapist – it is the cost issues that have put me off but I do think in some ways the current one has made things worse!

 

[GalaGirl]

I need new thoughts and beliefs that don’t make me feel less and worthless.

Sounds like you identified that the one doing those thoughts is you.

You think "I suck" kind of things. result? You end up feeling crap listening to that sort of "internal radio."

How about tracking it? Write it down. When you think that stuff and notice it? Note it on the calendar. How far apart is it before you think another one? Is there special triggers?

Does any of this help?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

And the fact is I am ‘less’ at the moment as the vulvodynia means our sex life is a shadow of what it was – there are lots of other women out there who have perfectly functioning vaginas so that concretely makes me feel ‘less’.

My Alzheimer father is having erection problems. Upsets him because he thinks if he can't get hard, he isn't "a real man." He reduces himself to a hard dick. That's all he thinks he has to offer. My mother asked my husband what he thinks. He looked really surprised and said "Ok. My penis is wonky for whatever reason. Did something happen to the rest of me? My tongue, nose, fingers? Can I still use toys?" Then my mother was surprised. Because my husband believes that sharing sex is more than sharing PIV. He thinks it is sharing his body with another, sensuality, etc. So he's not esp upset by his penis being on a break because he has other ways to share and express sex/sensuality that don't involve penis.

So... could examine your beliefs around around that. If your vagina is on a break right now, what other ways do you have to share your body with a partner and express sensuality/sex that don't involve vagina?

Underneath, there is also an ‘inner child’ who is petrified of being abandoned (part of the fatherless daughter issues I referenced earlier) and who is totally freaked out and is screaming at me to leave him before I get hurt.

Are you able to tell your inner child that YOU (adult you) won't abandon her? And that no matter what happens, you will be there to take care of her? Cuz no matter what goes down in your romances? You can try to take care of inner child you yourself. It doesn't have to be your romantic partner attending to her. You could attend.

That has always been my pattern – I am super-sensitive to what is going on with partners and their feelings toward me and if I am not being completely loved and adored and treated as number 1 priority then she gets really mad and starts freaking and pushing me to walk away.

Ah. So you think crap things about yourself and talk down about yourself to yourself. Which is basically YOU not adoring you and treating you as number 1. You haven't abandoned her. You are busy beating her up.

How do you reconcile that behavior with your inner child? Who gets pissed/freaks out when she isn't being treated well? If she cannot trust you not to beat her up, how can she trust you to make good choices?

Even when the choices like this....

I have chosen to be different in this relationship and communicate my needs etc and work things out which has generally worked really well

... are so far yielding good results?

What does adult you need to stop hitting the baby (inner child you?) So inner child you can begin believe adult you is trustworthy and WILL take good care of her rather than beat up on her?

I get there are some changes in behavior you want from partner too. Do ask if he's willing to do them. But if he meets all your requests and you are still hitting the baby? You are still gonna feel crap. Have to work both sides of the equation. YKWIM?

You mentioned cost being an issue. Do you have any Recovery International meetings or AA meetings or universities with grad students needing field work nearby? Try something else while seeking a different therapist?

Galagirl