Peachperfect89
New member
A little bit cliche, but I'm new to poly and feeling a bit confused
I have recently begun a relationship with a guy online, approximately 4 months ago. Initially the connection was more of an offer to talk about poly things as I began my journey - but it has led to something more. He has lived a polyamorous life for years and from the outside seemed to be doing so rather successfully. I was eager to get insight from those more experienced.
I wasnt looking for a relationship; didnt feel ready and definitely didn't feel ready to enter the poly world. I'm still very much figuring myself out. I had only had casual affairs since the end of my 8 year monogamous marriage.
He pursued me though and I recognised our connection pretty quickly.
Some details about the relationship structure - its a (sort of) long distance relationship where this guy works away for 2 weeks and is home for 1 week. He lives about 90 minutes from my city but does fly in and out from my city to get to site. He then obviously drives home.
Now, he has a primary live-in partner and they have rules. She has veto power, contact with me is to stop when he's in her presence (so the entire time he's home), physical contact between us can only happen upon her say so (which she has refused to give yet so we haven't actually met in person), we aren't allowed to interact on social media (as this is rubbing her face in it).
Birthdays, special occasions and holidays are off the table. He pushed me to be open about our relationship with my family and friends as well as any people I see romantically, but people in his life aren't aware of me.
He says to stop trying to make us fit a box or put a label on things - be open to a bespoke situation that fits us, that can become organically exactly what we need it to be rather than try to make it fit an idea. He says alot of of my uncomfortableness is the fact I'm not used to long distance or a poly situation.
I think that is partly true but not completely. It feels like "letting it grow organically" is really "letting it grow within the box that fits his and his primary's comfort rules".
I have no desire to tell anybody what they're doing isn't the right way. But I need to pursue my own needs right?
I feel like I want to be able to be apart of my partners life, share moments, have a say in our time together and decisions, have them be there when I need them. I want my metamour to respect me and see value in my presence and relationship with their partner, even if they don't personally value a connection with me.
How do I clarify what's something I actually need and what's just confusion over unfamiliar and uncomfortable new concepts?
How do I advocate for myself as a secondary when I'm constantly told how much I'm valued but that what I'm feeling is just due to inexperience and fear?
Im confused, lonely, doubting my intuition and feeling like a drama queen who is hurting someone I care about every time I express unhappiness
I have recently begun a relationship with a guy online, approximately 4 months ago. Initially the connection was more of an offer to talk about poly things as I began my journey - but it has led to something more. He has lived a polyamorous life for years and from the outside seemed to be doing so rather successfully. I was eager to get insight from those more experienced.
I wasnt looking for a relationship; didnt feel ready and definitely didn't feel ready to enter the poly world. I'm still very much figuring myself out. I had only had casual affairs since the end of my 8 year monogamous marriage.
He pursued me though and I recognised our connection pretty quickly.
Some details about the relationship structure - its a (sort of) long distance relationship where this guy works away for 2 weeks and is home for 1 week. He lives about 90 minutes from my city but does fly in and out from my city to get to site. He then obviously drives home.
Now, he has a primary live-in partner and they have rules. She has veto power, contact with me is to stop when he's in her presence (so the entire time he's home), physical contact between us can only happen upon her say so (which she has refused to give yet so we haven't actually met in person), we aren't allowed to interact on social media (as this is rubbing her face in it).
Birthdays, special occasions and holidays are off the table. He pushed me to be open about our relationship with my family and friends as well as any people I see romantically, but people in his life aren't aware of me.
He says to stop trying to make us fit a box or put a label on things - be open to a bespoke situation that fits us, that can become organically exactly what we need it to be rather than try to make it fit an idea. He says alot of of my uncomfortableness is the fact I'm not used to long distance or a poly situation.
I think that is partly true but not completely. It feels like "letting it grow organically" is really "letting it grow within the box that fits his and his primary's comfort rules".
I have no desire to tell anybody what they're doing isn't the right way. But I need to pursue my own needs right?
I feel like I want to be able to be apart of my partners life, share moments, have a say in our time together and decisions, have them be there when I need them. I want my metamour to respect me and see value in my presence and relationship with their partner, even if they don't personally value a connection with me.
How do I clarify what's something I actually need and what's just confusion over unfamiliar and uncomfortable new concepts?
How do I advocate for myself as a secondary when I'm constantly told how much I'm valued but that what I'm feeling is just due to inexperience and fear?
Im confused, lonely, doubting my intuition and feeling like a drama queen who is hurting someone I care about every time I express unhappiness