Can't take anymore of the ex-Metamour

Token2

Member
My first post covered a little bit of a complicated situation which I guess in many ways lead me to polyamory. Sorry if this is a long one.

Short version - when I first met my Boyfriend - the Surfer, he was 1 half of a swinging couple that my Nesting Partner and I grew close to, they broke up, we were a non-poly throuple with her for a while, until she settled into a mono relationship, we had still had sexual encounters with him (inc with her) after their break up but once she 'caught vanilla' the Surfer, my Nesting Partner (both straight guys) and I settled into a FWB groove that over time became more...

She is a broken being, it's all in that first post, even though it was through text only we remained distant friends over the last couple of years, she and the Surfer kept communicating on and off, never in person, but it always disintegrated into her being nasty.

Her vanilla relationship has crumbled and she's sparked up communicating with me - and the Surfer, and also my Nesting Partner but not so much.

The Surfer has cancer, I think he wants to make peace on some level, she really doesn't know anything more than that the 3 of us (Surfer, Nesting Partner and I) have some sexual adventures and that we're friends. She's been trying to push her way back into his life, asking him for walks and he messages her but is generally wary. She pushed him to saying yes to her coming to a key medical appointment, it opened my eyes to how much he needed support because I hadn't even thought I could ask to come, he's a very independent person - but he went to that one appointment with her, and then I came to the next one, and am the support for a biopsy this week - so it wasn't a bad thing in many ways.

But she did tell me repeatedly he asked her to come, and other things that are not true in order to stake her ground in a very boring mono way that neither he or I are buying into. I really wouldn't have any issues if she weren't so toxic at times. He's free to have any relationships with anyone - and I know their relationship was really important and special to both of them - while it was a healthy one. Plus he's got cancer and is on a journey that is really only his to be on, as much as I want to help and be there the ways I can are limited.

ANYWAY whilst I had an afternoon of feeling stressed weeks ago when her lies were at a height, I decided I needed to see her as a metamour, even though she is an ex, to trust our (Surfer + Me) energy feels safe enough to both of us that we can weather the bumps, and he's on a journey where for whatever reason he is happy to keep feeding her to some degree. All that ever happens when she interferes is it makes us have to stop floating along, and we have an important meaningful talk and come out of it stronger, and I feel safer than I did before, I think him too...

Last night she sent a series of messages, asking if I'd been visiting her town at the weekend, and when I said yes, and I visited the Surfer briefly that same day, she went straight to I knew you two were together the night before (ok yes true but it's none of her business) - because neither of us messaged her and we both do daily.

2 things - she and I last messaged Wednesday (4 days prior) and it's not daily - but also it was her making sure I knew he messaged daily, which I'd figured as much but I'm polyamorous with a Nesting Partner so I a) don't care/am not bothered if he does, and b) would feel like a complete hypocrite if I were to have issue with it.

Oh yes and she said she could have invited herself into our sexual situation but chose not to... (insert eye-roll here).

Anyway when I am with my two guys, together or solo I often I say - I am so glad things turned out the way they did because the Surfer and the opportunity to explore my emotions has been an amazing gift for me, and I do not wish to ever ben made to feel guilty for our friendship/connection, so I thought here's my opportunity to let her know - I value his friendship and I'm not going to feel guilty for being friends with him - because again if you read through my posts you'll see this relationship has always had an end date looming, and I always kind of knew that, so one day when the sex stops (maybe the cancer is going to speed that up) - I want us to stay friends - and I know he feels the same. But also if our (hers and my) friendship was actually going to have legs she needs to accept that I'm not going to back up her narrative that he and I somehow cheated our way into a connection/friendship and that I have to feel bad for her - when she was in a monogamous relationship at the time and neither he or I were/are.

She turned that into I must feel guilty because I'm focussing on it, and I pretty much then and there had enough, said I had to go, and am no longer going to bother letting her try to play games with me under a veil of her 'healing' through her past hurts, I'm done. No more replies from me. If the Surfer wants to retain something with her that's all good, she once was my best friend but only before I really understood how much she twists people's words and the truth.

Thanks for getting this far - the biopsy will reveal if the cancer has spread to the bone in which case he's terminal, if it isn't he's got a road of Erectile Dysfunction and incontinence ahead of him, hopefully only temporary but only time will tell. They want to start treatment one way or the other in the next 3 weeks or so - I've found she has this ability to suck the focus onto her, so the day she went to the appointment with him, it was all way more about her than him, and given the clock is literally ticking for us I think blanking her is the only option for me to be able to keep my focus on him.

I did used to love her very much as a friend - and vice versa but I really think she fully knows what she's doing, although my Nesting Partner falls towards feeling she's just deeply damaged and is not intentional. It's just so fucking painful as I literally think it's just that her drama filled vanilla relationship has properly ended and she's got nowhere to direct her drama and so is dredging up the past at a time no-one needs it.

The Surfer is being sweeter than he's ever been, but he's got so much on, I've tried really hard not to share the full details of what's been going on, that just feeds the beast - but I have told him I'm blanking her from here on in. I might give him a brief summary but he knows her well enough - I think he has a trauma bond with her or something, but it's not my place to point that out is it? I phrased my decision to stop communicating with her - as there's something called a trauma bond and I'm breaking mine with her. I guess hoping he'll google it.

Apart from bumping into each-other once because they are in the same suburb, that hospital appointment was their only in person connection in 2 years, despite their kids going to the same school. He told me the fact they live in the same suburb is key to while he's trying to keep it polite.

Maybe I am just looking to get this all off my chest as I feel like I'm handling it the best I can, with as much integrity as possible. I'm finding beauty in life and nature with every opportunity I have, mediating, focusing on work, etc. I obviously feel protective of him - not of us and our connection so much because he spent the last 18 months focussing so much on it being on shakey ground that I processed all of that ages ago... But protective of the fact that in a week's time he may be told he's got only a few years to live, or that even if it's only ED and the rest - he doesn't need this shit.

If anyone has any other tips on how to just let go, or insight they think might help please share...

I guess if I felt I grew as an emotional being before this brief blip of time will super-charge me... maybe...
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel a bit better airing that out. I'm sorry about the cancer but glad to hear the Surfer is doing his best to navigate that medical journey while waiting out the news -- to the bone/terminal? Or not? That's gotta be rough. I hope treatment can help bring him some comfort in his body as best as can be right now.

I don't know if this helps you any.

I've found she has this ability to suck the focus onto her, so the day she went to the appointment with him, it was all way more about her than him, and given the clock is literally ticking for us I think blanking her is the only option for me to be able to keep my focus on him.

This resonated for me, since I'm dealing with similar thing. When someone tries to invite you to their wacky, you do not have to accept the invitation. It's ok to RSVP "No, thanks." So be ok with blanking her and just not dealing with whatever she's got going on. You only have but so much energy. It's ok to want to focus it on the actual cancer patient and not her.

I did used to love her very much as a friend - and vice versa but I really think she fully knows what she's doing, although my Nesting Partner falls towards feeling she's just deeply damaged and is not intentional.

Does it matter? Intentional or not, she's dinging you. So it's ok for you to take a step back.

It's just so fucking painful as I literally think it's just that her drama filled vanilla relationship has properly ended and she's got nowhere to direct her drama and so is dredging up the past at a time no-one needs it.

Yup. If she's having some kind of a crisis or thing on her part? Doesn't mean it has to be a crisis or thing on your part. You do not have to participate. It's ok to bow out.

Galagirl
 

Token2

Member
Thank you, that is really helpful.

I'm guilty of complaining about her a few times today to my Nesting Partner but she's left me alone and hopefully tomorrow the need to go over it will lighten and I'll be closer to actually letting go not just saying I will.

In our usual style (after she tries to get in between us) things feel more solid with the Surfer. He has a really avoidant attachment style, and is new to ENM beyond swinging - I think when he witnesses me caring that she's behaving badly but not freaking out at him for staying connected it makes him feel safe.

I do wish she'd f#ck off though... excuse my French. I think he likes the attention and given the circumstances I'm really ok with that.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Token,

While I am not normally one to recommend blanking people, in this case I have to make an exception. The ex-metamour is making a real problem of herself, and right now the Surfer needs your focus as he goes through these very serious health issues. Her behavior is very hurtful; I am sorry she is putting you through that. I think she's doing it intentionally, but I could be wrong. It's too bad the Surfer is still including her in his life. Hopefully he will google trauma bond and realize that his relationship with her is not healthy.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Thank you, that is really helpful.

I'm guilty of complaining about her a few times today to my Nesting Partner but she's left me alone and hopefully tomorrow the need to go over it will lighten and I'll be closer to actually letting go not just saying I will.

In our usual style (after she tries to get in between us) things feel more solid with the Surfer. He has a really avoidant attachment style, and is new to ENM beyond swinging - I think when he witnesses me caring that she's behaving badly but not freaking out at him for staying connected it makes him feel safe.

I do wish she'd f#ck off though... excuse my French. I think he likes the attention and given the circumstances I'm really ok with that.
You can say fuck here. There's no need to use the # or apologize.

I'm glad you're letting this seemingly rather toxic ex-friend go. Cancer really has a way of reminding us that life is too short to waste it on liars and drama queens, despite prior warm feelings.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for Surfer! I beat cancer 6 years ago, and I hope he does too!
 

Token2

Member
I joined him for the bone biopsy a couple of days ago, neither of us thought they'd let me stay so I was just going to drop him there, pick him up again but instead it was a big long day spent talking and having a really sweet time despite the circumstances.

Our relationship has been very sexually driven and while we've had one or two longer date nights or afternoons we've never had 8 hours one on one of pure companionship.

My child has a severe disability and so I am comfortable and experienced in hospital settings, asked the staff a few key questions etc

The ex keeps asking him when the biopsy is, not sure if he's told her it already happened but she tried to video call me last night. I missed it but since I posted above there's been no communication between us and I'm not interested in any unless she leads with something acknowledging she was triggered... even then I'd be likely to bow out politely.

I did realise yesterday that especially when we had hard covid borders, back before the Surfer and I found our groove and I was more anxious he used to breadcumb/bench me. I feel he's doing that to her, he doesn't know though that she has broken up with her boyfriend - she's not told him and it's not my news, although I said circumstances had changed a bit between them a while back and left it there...

He also had another ex-live in girlfriend during the covid times who he kept in the platonic friendzone who was hoping he'd go deeper.

I'm not sure how I feel about that being a signature move of his, I suppose knowing it will make it easier for me to move on later as it does make me think a little less of his relational skills and capacity to lead with integrity but I guess he might rationalise it as being kind/polite/friendly...

Oh well everything is simpler when mentally I shine the spotlight just on us and the drama and any other players on the stage disappear into the darkness.

I think I'll be joining him for the consultation regarding the results and treatment options but then after that I really hope he's ready to bring his family in for support.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
He seems to compartmentalize his relationships, to some degree. Like one person has his good graces, while another person gets the breadcrumbs. Or one person gets called to accompany him on the consultation regarding the results and treatment options, while family members are kept at arm's length. Just my impression, I could be wrong.
 

Token2

Member
Or one person gets called to accompany him on the consultation regarding the results and treatment options, while family members are kept at arm's length. Just my impression, I could be wrong.

He's just not ready to tell his family until he knows how bad the cancer is. 2 of his 3 kids don't want a relationship with their mother (not the ex I talk about), his folks are old and have their own health issues and I kinda get it.

There was a guy in his 40s at the hospital who was there all alone, and they asked if he'd told his family where he was and he said no.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Not everyone deals with serious illness well. Sometimes family brings all their anxiety and fear and whatever and dumps it on the patient. Basically ADDING to their burden rather than TAKING AWAY.

So I get wanting to wait to get all the medical news first before telling relatives even if it means going at it alone or minimal people knowing.

Galagirl
 

Token2

Member
Update - she reached out asking if everything was OK.

I wrote back saying words to the effect of I didn't feel like she heard me, that I lacked capacity to try and push through and that I felt she was giving no space or respect to the friendship my NP, the Surfer and I had built in the years she was in a relationship and focussed there.

That we had been there for eachother in some of our darkest times and would be again and I am not going to feel guilty about a good friendship.

I laid a boundary that I will tap out of any conversation with her that tries to push any of the above.

To her credit she acknowledged that she was a little jealous, genuinely apologised and we're back to friendly chats about air fryers and kids.

No doubt there will be other bits of drama in the future but I don't often put boundaries down, it was really good for me to do so.

Ok yes I am downplaying the one on one connection I have now with the Surfer, she knows we have sex, we're friends and that we see each-other fairly regularly but it's our business not hers and we (including my NP) each only have a small amount of people we have disclosed to about our relationships.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
No doubt there will be other bits of drama in the future but I don't often put boundaries down, it was really good for me to do so.

Glad you did this and will keep up your personal boundaries.

To her credit she acknowledged that she was a little jealous, genuinely apologised and we're back to friendly chats about air fryers and kids.

Hopefully she is sincere and respects your personal boundaries going forward in future.

Galagirl
 
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Token2

Member
Time for another update. As far as we know the cancer hasn't spread so the Surfer's going in for surgery pretty much a month from today.

It will basically be an off switch for our sex life, hopefully just for a few months but it can take years for some men to recover from the ED and neither of us can host the other in our homes because of kids so who knows.

He's ramped up communication and interaction with his ex, she's being nice (for now) but the security guard in his work complex has spotted her parked outside his work a couple of times at night so I guess she's not over him and despite them breaking up 2 1/2 years ago and all the really awful things she did to him and his family I don't think he's over her. Like I said before I think it's a trauma bond, that and she's insanely wealthy.

But I also don't think she's interested in signing up for the looming Erectile Dysfunction either so...?

I'm super busy with work so it's a good time in some ways for this to all bubble to the surface as I have no time or capacity to really dwell on anything. She lives 5 minutes away from him I live 90 minutes away.

He'll need support, and none of this is a competition.

I'm not sure I see a future for any of us outside of friendship and I didn't really before either due to his fixation on his next domestic relationship...

It just feels that with every bit of relational growth and connection we have the outside trials just get harder and messier. We somehow manage to stay in a relationship that's been doomed from the start, and without expressing much love verbally but it's there.

If I weren't poly and partnered his walls would be down, I guess that happens a lot in this space
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Most people aren't ready to hear about poly. Surfer could be one of those people. It would help explain why he is gravitating to his ex so much lately. If he had a monogamous relationship with you, he wouldn't need anyone else, right?

Thanks for the update, regardless.
 
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