My first post covered a little bit of a complicated situation which I guess in many ways lead me to polyamory. Sorry if this is a long one.
Short version - when I first met my Boyfriend - the Surfer, he was 1 half of a swinging couple that my Nesting Partner and I grew close to, they broke up, we were a non-poly throuple with her for a while, until she settled into a mono relationship, we had still had sexual encounters with him (inc with her) after their break up but once she 'caught vanilla' the Surfer, my Nesting Partner (both straight guys) and I settled into a FWB groove that over time became more...
She is a broken being, it's all in that first post, even though it was through text only we remained distant friends over the last couple of years, she and the Surfer kept communicating on and off, never in person, but it always disintegrated into her being nasty.
Her vanilla relationship has crumbled and she's sparked up communicating with me - and the Surfer, and also my Nesting Partner but not so much.
The Surfer has cancer, I think he wants to make peace on some level, she really doesn't know anything more than that the 3 of us (Surfer, Nesting Partner and I) have some sexual adventures and that we're friends. She's been trying to push her way back into his life, asking him for walks and he messages her but is generally wary. She pushed him to saying yes to her coming to a key medical appointment, it opened my eyes to how much he needed support because I hadn't even thought I could ask to come, he's a very independent person - but he went to that one appointment with her, and then I came to the next one, and am the support for a biopsy this week - so it wasn't a bad thing in many ways.
But she did tell me repeatedly he asked her to come, and other things that are not true in order to stake her ground in a very boring mono way that neither he or I are buying into. I really wouldn't have any issues if she weren't so toxic at times. He's free to have any relationships with anyone - and I know their relationship was really important and special to both of them - while it was a healthy one. Plus he's got cancer and is on a journey that is really only his to be on, as much as I want to help and be there the ways I can are limited.
ANYWAY whilst I had an afternoon of feeling stressed weeks ago when her lies were at a height, I decided I needed to see her as a metamour, even though she is an ex, to trust our (Surfer + Me) energy feels safe enough to both of us that we can weather the bumps, and he's on a journey where for whatever reason he is happy to keep feeding her to some degree. All that ever happens when she interferes is it makes us have to stop floating along, and we have an important meaningful talk and come out of it stronger, and I feel safer than I did before, I think him too...
Last night she sent a series of messages, asking if I'd been visiting her town at the weekend, and when I said yes, and I visited the Surfer briefly that same day, she went straight to I knew you two were together the night before (ok yes true but it's none of her business) - because neither of us messaged her and we both do daily.
2 things - she and I last messaged Wednesday (4 days prior) and it's not daily - but also it was her making sure I knew he messaged daily, which I'd figured as much but I'm polyamorous with a Nesting Partner so I a) don't care/am not bothered if he does, and b) would feel like a complete hypocrite if I were to have issue with it.
Oh yes and she said she could have invited herself into our sexual situation but chose not to... (insert eye-roll here).
Anyway when I am with my two guys, together or solo I often I say - I am so glad things turned out the way they did because the Surfer and the opportunity to explore my emotions has been an amazing gift for me, and I do not wish to ever ben made to feel guilty for our friendship/connection, so I thought here's my opportunity to let her know - I value his friendship and I'm not going to feel guilty for being friends with him - because again if you read through my posts you'll see this relationship has always had an end date looming, and I always kind of knew that, so one day when the sex stops (maybe the cancer is going to speed that up) - I want us to stay friends - and I know he feels the same. But also if our (hers and my) friendship was actually going to have legs she needs to accept that I'm not going to back up her narrative that he and I somehow cheated our way into a connection/friendship and that I have to feel bad for her - when she was in a monogamous relationship at the time and neither he or I were/are.
She turned that into I must feel guilty because I'm focussing on it, and I pretty much then and there had enough, said I had to go, and am no longer going to bother letting her try to play games with me under a veil of her 'healing' through her past hurts, I'm done. No more replies from me. If the Surfer wants to retain something with her that's all good, she once was my best friend but only before I really understood how much she twists people's words and the truth.
Thanks for getting this far - the biopsy will reveal if the cancer has spread to the bone in which case he's terminal, if it isn't he's got a road of Erectile Dysfunction and incontinence ahead of him, hopefully only temporary but only time will tell. They want to start treatment one way or the other in the next 3 weeks or so - I've found she has this ability to suck the focus onto her, so the day she went to the appointment with him, it was all way more about her than him, and given the clock is literally ticking for us I think blanking her is the only option for me to be able to keep my focus on him.
I did used to love her very much as a friend - and vice versa but I really think she fully knows what she's doing, although my Nesting Partner falls towards feeling she's just deeply damaged and is not intentional. It's just so fucking painful as I literally think it's just that her drama filled vanilla relationship has properly ended and she's got nowhere to direct her drama and so is dredging up the past at a time no-one needs it.
The Surfer is being sweeter than he's ever been, but he's got so much on, I've tried really hard not to share the full details of what's been going on, that just feeds the beast - but I have told him I'm blanking her from here on in. I might give him a brief summary but he knows her well enough - I think he has a trauma bond with her or something, but it's not my place to point that out is it? I phrased my decision to stop communicating with her - as there's something called a trauma bond and I'm breaking mine with her. I guess hoping he'll google it.
Apart from bumping into each-other once because they are in the same suburb, that hospital appointment was their only in person connection in 2 years, despite their kids going to the same school. He told me the fact they live in the same suburb is key to while he's trying to keep it polite.
Maybe I am just looking to get this all off my chest as I feel like I'm handling it the best I can, with as much integrity as possible. I'm finding beauty in life and nature with every opportunity I have, mediating, focusing on work, etc. I obviously feel protective of him - not of us and our connection so much because he spent the last 18 months focussing so much on it being on shakey ground that I processed all of that ages ago... But protective of the fact that in a week's time he may be told he's got only a few years to live, or that even if it's only ED and the rest - he doesn't need this shit.
If anyone has any other tips on how to just let go, or insight they think might help please share...
I guess if I felt I grew as an emotional being before this brief blip of time will super-charge me... maybe...
Short version - when I first met my Boyfriend - the Surfer, he was 1 half of a swinging couple that my Nesting Partner and I grew close to, they broke up, we were a non-poly throuple with her for a while, until she settled into a mono relationship, we had still had sexual encounters with him (inc with her) after their break up but once she 'caught vanilla' the Surfer, my Nesting Partner (both straight guys) and I settled into a FWB groove that over time became more...
She is a broken being, it's all in that first post, even though it was through text only we remained distant friends over the last couple of years, she and the Surfer kept communicating on and off, never in person, but it always disintegrated into her being nasty.
Her vanilla relationship has crumbled and she's sparked up communicating with me - and the Surfer, and also my Nesting Partner but not so much.
The Surfer has cancer, I think he wants to make peace on some level, she really doesn't know anything more than that the 3 of us (Surfer, Nesting Partner and I) have some sexual adventures and that we're friends. She's been trying to push her way back into his life, asking him for walks and he messages her but is generally wary. She pushed him to saying yes to her coming to a key medical appointment, it opened my eyes to how much he needed support because I hadn't even thought I could ask to come, he's a very independent person - but he went to that one appointment with her, and then I came to the next one, and am the support for a biopsy this week - so it wasn't a bad thing in many ways.
But she did tell me repeatedly he asked her to come, and other things that are not true in order to stake her ground in a very boring mono way that neither he or I are buying into. I really wouldn't have any issues if she weren't so toxic at times. He's free to have any relationships with anyone - and I know their relationship was really important and special to both of them - while it was a healthy one. Plus he's got cancer and is on a journey that is really only his to be on, as much as I want to help and be there the ways I can are limited.
ANYWAY whilst I had an afternoon of feeling stressed weeks ago when her lies were at a height, I decided I needed to see her as a metamour, even though she is an ex, to trust our (Surfer + Me) energy feels safe enough to both of us that we can weather the bumps, and he's on a journey where for whatever reason he is happy to keep feeding her to some degree. All that ever happens when she interferes is it makes us have to stop floating along, and we have an important meaningful talk and come out of it stronger, and I feel safer than I did before, I think him too...
Last night she sent a series of messages, asking if I'd been visiting her town at the weekend, and when I said yes, and I visited the Surfer briefly that same day, she went straight to I knew you two were together the night before (ok yes true but it's none of her business) - because neither of us messaged her and we both do daily.
2 things - she and I last messaged Wednesday (4 days prior) and it's not daily - but also it was her making sure I knew he messaged daily, which I'd figured as much but I'm polyamorous with a Nesting Partner so I a) don't care/am not bothered if he does, and b) would feel like a complete hypocrite if I were to have issue with it.
Oh yes and she said she could have invited herself into our sexual situation but chose not to... (insert eye-roll here).
Anyway when I am with my two guys, together or solo I often I say - I am so glad things turned out the way they did because the Surfer and the opportunity to explore my emotions has been an amazing gift for me, and I do not wish to ever ben made to feel guilty for our friendship/connection, so I thought here's my opportunity to let her know - I value his friendship and I'm not going to feel guilty for being friends with him - because again if you read through my posts you'll see this relationship has always had an end date looming, and I always kind of knew that, so one day when the sex stops (maybe the cancer is going to speed that up) - I want us to stay friends - and I know he feels the same. But also if our (hers and my) friendship was actually going to have legs she needs to accept that I'm not going to back up her narrative that he and I somehow cheated our way into a connection/friendship and that I have to feel bad for her - when she was in a monogamous relationship at the time and neither he or I were/are.
She turned that into I must feel guilty because I'm focussing on it, and I pretty much then and there had enough, said I had to go, and am no longer going to bother letting her try to play games with me under a veil of her 'healing' through her past hurts, I'm done. No more replies from me. If the Surfer wants to retain something with her that's all good, she once was my best friend but only before I really understood how much she twists people's words and the truth.
Thanks for getting this far - the biopsy will reveal if the cancer has spread to the bone in which case he's terminal, if it isn't he's got a road of Erectile Dysfunction and incontinence ahead of him, hopefully only temporary but only time will tell. They want to start treatment one way or the other in the next 3 weeks or so - I've found she has this ability to suck the focus onto her, so the day she went to the appointment with him, it was all way more about her than him, and given the clock is literally ticking for us I think blanking her is the only option for me to be able to keep my focus on him.
I did used to love her very much as a friend - and vice versa but I really think she fully knows what she's doing, although my Nesting Partner falls towards feeling she's just deeply damaged and is not intentional. It's just so fucking painful as I literally think it's just that her drama filled vanilla relationship has properly ended and she's got nowhere to direct her drama and so is dredging up the past at a time no-one needs it.
The Surfer is being sweeter than he's ever been, but he's got so much on, I've tried really hard not to share the full details of what's been going on, that just feeds the beast - but I have told him I'm blanking her from here on in. I might give him a brief summary but he knows her well enough - I think he has a trauma bond with her or something, but it's not my place to point that out is it? I phrased my decision to stop communicating with her - as there's something called a trauma bond and I'm breaking mine with her. I guess hoping he'll google it.
Apart from bumping into each-other once because they are in the same suburb, that hospital appointment was their only in person connection in 2 years, despite their kids going to the same school. He told me the fact they live in the same suburb is key to while he's trying to keep it polite.
Maybe I am just looking to get this all off my chest as I feel like I'm handling it the best I can, with as much integrity as possible. I'm finding beauty in life and nature with every opportunity I have, mediating, focusing on work, etc. I obviously feel protective of him - not of us and our connection so much because he spent the last 18 months focussing so much on it being on shakey ground that I processed all of that ages ago... But protective of the fact that in a week's time he may be told he's got only a few years to live, or that even if it's only ED and the rest - he doesn't need this shit.
If anyone has any other tips on how to just let go, or insight they think might help please share...
I guess if I felt I grew as an emotional being before this brief blip of time will super-charge me... maybe...
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