Cheated on with Poly as the reason.

endusal

New member
HaC, you were triggered. Triggers happen, especially when we've gone through much pain over a period of time. They are very, very upsetting. But they're not the end of the world.

A text and a reply back is not resuming a relationship, even if it feels that way. A reply to say that Ting and you and working things out is not a betrayal, it is actually an acknowledgement of how important your relationship is.

Take a breath, center yourself, clear this out with Ting. She is right in saying that you don't get to command her.

Ting, sometimes triggers happen, they're part of the healing process. You might have to tread with care meanwhile. It could have been a better idea to say to HaC: "TOG texted me: I want to reply to him", so that he doesn't feel bypassed and ignored and feel stuff is going on behind his back.
 

sexyserb

Member
I am heart broken and completely devastated...HAC...you know how much you mean to me...I don't know if I can do this online discussion of our relationship thing. There are years of history between us and things in our past at play that no one here on this site know about. This is not the black and white issue it appears some think it ought to be...It is very complex. We need to speak with a real counselor, or at the very least, discuss this situation in person and not over text. This is our struggle to get through and I personally DO NOT trust advice from ANYONE who doesn't at least take the time to gather both sides of the facts first, which NO ONE on this forum has done. And I do not believe in involving others in OUR problems.


Point of clarification: I did NOT speak to TOG about us. He simply asked how things were going and I told him they were going great and that you and I were really starting to work things out and that I was happy. I showed you respect by coming to talk to you about this. I showed you respect by choosing not to speak to TOG in the first lace (it now seems that everyone here believes it was your command?). You and I have NEVER lived by ultimatums, you've never TOLD me what to do right? I make decisions for me, and you for you...please don't make it seem like this was a command from you to me to everyone else here. You ALWAYS tell me that you'll never TELL me what to do, but here on this forum you are telling everyone something different...I'm pretty confused as to why.

I agree that this is a very very upsetting thing for you and it is a step back for us...but it doesn't have to be. Please come home so we can discuss exactly what happened and what we need to do next for US.

No one said one word about anyone commanding anything. What your husband did say was that he did not want to participate in a relationship where you had a boyfriend. What he did say was that he could not accept you having continued contact with your boyfriend and you had to choose.
Somehow you think now that no matter what you do all you have to do is tell HAC and you’re off the hook for not respecting what you AGREE TO. And TAC has the same history as you and he did not choose to cheat on you so stop making like you are doing him a huge favor by discontinuing what you were doing.

You are free to do whatever you want. What you do not get is that your husband is also free not to participate in a relationship with you having a boyfriend. So far he hasn’t DEMANDED ANYTHING and you’re the only one who keeps repeating that.

And for this crap about this being just a trigger for you. I guess that sameadvice will be given in October when you sneak off with your boyfriend.

You do need to see a therapist, and not one hand picked to get your way. Because until YOU accept that your husband and others are not the villain here you will never repair your relationship.

And in case you care enough and can ever accept that YOU DID CHEAT and want to fix it, the pillars of a successful reconciliation are
(1) NO CONTACT
(2) TOTAL TRANSPARANCY
(3) TOTAL COMMITTMENT to your husband

So far, you insist on continuing contact and your past issues have not a damm thing to do with that. If you are so in love with your husband, all your effort should be to make him feel safe again. He should not even have to ask you to stop contacting your boyfriend. You should be offering that up, so you might want to get the idea out of your head that you are going to remain friends with you affair partner ( and it doesn’t matter if you have feeling for him. Thats your problem and a consequence of you doing what you did).

Your husband does not want to participate in a polyamoroous marriage. Work through your issues with a therapist but as long as you are
clinging to keeping your boyfriend in your life TAC is in for more of the same.

What makes you think its OK for you to continue to text with this guy whenever you get the urge and tell your husband later. ????? he has requested you end this affair and you are refusing by your actions.
 
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Ting, give your husband the respect by letting this be his "safe place." Just simply stop reading what is being written. Now he is going to have to worry about censoring himself, to not make YOU upset. That's not fair. We're a bunch of internet strangers, of course, but if him writing about what is happening is somewhat cathartic, let him have this.


The posters who are responding are not fools. We know this is your husband's side of the story, and that you have your side as well. You are really just kind of showing yourself to be a bit manipulative and controlling by not "allowing" your husband this outlet.

I agree counseling is the best idea, but you have no business telling him he shouldn't be posting on this site. To put it quite bluntly, WE did not make the mess.
 

Ting42

New member
I seriously cant believe how twisted all of this has become...HAC asked me to read all of this and encouraged me to post.

Not one of you knows the bigger issues HAC and I are dealing with and what we are going through and I feel like a lot of the things people are saying here is just confusing the both of us even more. We need a counselor or someone with the right skills to help us through this. HAC can post here or anywhere else he wants, I would never ask him to stop, he has been posting on forums for years...it simply makes me uncomfortable to share my personal problems with strangers.

Few more points to clarify:
TOG contacted me from a private number. I run a business and I get calls from all over the country every day. I didnt seek him out, I answered the phone because I didnt know who it was. That lead to him and I having a couple of conversations about what was going on in our lives and me explaining to TOG why it was important that HAC and I have time alone without him in the picture to work things out together and that I'd need to tell HAC about the communication. So, I went to HAC and told him what happened, despite the fact that I was stifled with fear about telling him...I knew telling him would put everything I love on the line...Jeeze guys, I'm seriously having a hard time trying to navigate through this mess, that I made by choosing the path of holding onto HAC instead of other ones. I'm a pretty dysfunctional human doing my best to make it through this thing we call life and so is HAC. Both of us participated in getting us to where we are now...this was not one sided. Please understand that your advice IS being consulted and considered as valuable and that maybe asking more questions to clarify things could be in order before you just start telling HAC to serve me with divorce papers...(we aren't even married)...what we need right now is advice that helps us grow past these really destructive cycles that we are in so that we stop repeating the same crap that happens in every relationship we each have been in. For HAC, it's been a repeating pattern of people cheating, for me a repeated pattern of physical and mental abuse, neglect, lonliness, low self esteem, depression...I have NEVER in my life cheated before and I'm drowning here trying to figure out how to navigate through this path to healing with HAC...only 4 days ago I was suicidal for the FIRST time in my life. We are dealing with serious issues here that need professional help.

Theres just so much more to this you guys...I have exactly 3 friends in my life HAC, TOG and my BFF Jess...I have very serious issues with almost any type of relationships and very serious abandonment and bonding issues that cutting off TOG has really triggered.

But, none of this really matters as it seems HAC is going to end things with me anyway...telling my side of this is basically just waste of all of our time.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
@ Ting ... I feel bad about how harshly you are being treated here, I for one would like to hear your side of the story. If you'd rather not post it here in public, you could message me privately. I give you my word I would not treat you badly.

I feel bad for you and HAC. Both of you are clearly suffering. HAC honestly believed there would be no more contact with TOG, so yes he feels betrayed. I don't know what all the factors are in addition to that. I would like to help, if I could.
 

Ting42

New member
I think maybe it would help if I go make an introductory post about who I am and all that I am bringing into the world of relationships...I think sharing my personal background may help me feel a little better and help people understand me and who I am before trying to catch everyone up to the here and now.

@ Ting ... I feel bad about how harshly you are being treated here, I for one would like to hear your side of the story. If you'd rather not post it here in public, you could message me privately. I give you my word I would not treat you badly.

I will send you a PM kdt
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I got your PM. Working on a response.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
HurtandConfused said:
I completely agree, I have been in contact with him on a couple of occasions to explain the situation, both times he has been very willing to step away and let us work on things. I would not treat a human like that (just ghost out on them).

If he's calling Ting42 on her work line, he's not stepping away and giving you space to work on things. Ting42 seems to have told him to stop calling.

It might be upsetting that he called, but Ting seems to be trying to hold the line.

HurtandConfused said:
We are both making great strides in communication and have talked to a councilor that gave us good communication exercises and advice. Every thing is not "ok" but we are both committed to working together and both can't see ourselves with out each other involved in each others lives in at the very least some capacity in the future.

Glad to hear you have a counselor now. The road might still be bumpy, but you are taking steps so there is some progress.

only 4 days ago I was suicidal for the FIRST time in my life. We are dealing with serious issues here that need professional help.

Ting, if you feel suicidal please go to ER. I'm sorry this is causing so much tumult for you that you are that that place. You are correct that you need professional hope. So rather than post too much here, put the energy into seeking the professionals.

Ting42 said:
what we need right now is advice that helps us grow past these really destructive cycles that we are in

FWIW, I think you guys could try this to reduce the stress:

1) Tell a doc about the suicidal feelings. Attend to that first.

2) Let this thread be only HurtandConfused's thread. To serve as his emotional outlet when bumps happen.

3) Ting, if you need a thread, start a new one. Maybe even on a separate forum. To serve as your emotional outlet when bumps happen.

4) Agree NOT to read each other's threads wherever it is they are located. It is not enough for TOG to give you space. You have to give EACH OTHER some processing space too. But know forum people are NOT professionals. Put the main energy on working with counselor. Know it will take TIME.

5) Agree to only talk about the things related to marriage repair/TOG stuff at counseling appointments. Not outside them. At least to start.

Example:

Point of clarification: I did NOT speak to TOG about us. He simply asked how things were going and I told him they were going great and that you and I were really starting to work things out and that I was happy. I showed you respect by coming to talk to you about this.

This news? Could have waited until a counseling appointment. If TOG calls, and you basically are telling him to stop calling? Why does it have to be shared right NOW? Sometimes it is not what you tell, but HOW and WHEN you tell it.

Coming right after a romantic date weekend, from the POV of HurtandConfused? It may feel jarring or triggering. You may have meant it like "See? I'm keeping new agreements now, telling him to shoo" but how it comes across might still be upsetting for HurtandConfused because for him it might be like "Can't I have just one span of time without this other stuff creeping in?" Even if your news is "good news" its still talking about stuff he may need a break from. Are you able to see that?

Had you waited to tell at a counseling appointment, you could have had the counselor present to help smooth the bump and provide both with support. You could have met (your need to tell and update) AND (HurtandConfused's need to have a break from all the stuff.)

6) The other stuff you are working out with work and chores and whatnot... if it is easier to write email to each other so you can both stay calmer? Do that.

Because its like when you talk together in person about difficult topics by yourselves? You both get into a feedback loop thing. Where if one emotionally floods the other one wigs or goes into their own emotional flood. You end up triggering and re-triggering each other.

You both seem to acknowledge that you have some skills you both could learn. Until you learn them? Make some agreements about your metacommunication -- "These topics? We will only talk about them like this so we can still talk about them, but in a way that does not escalate issues." The HOW you talk. Maybe bring that up with the counselor.

Galagirl
 
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HurtandConfused

New member
I do not like that he called her, but I understand the situation

I do not blame her, i was in a terrible place last night and we slid a bit further back because a lot of my own yet-to-be-resolved insecurities and fears were ressurected.

We are out at dinner talking.. i dont feel this is the end of anything, just another large challenge

We are more than these situations, we will overcome.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
we slid a bit further back because a lot of my own yet-to-be-resolved insecurities and fears were ressurected.

If it leads to learning how to talk to each other without triggering each other? I would call it progress. Maybe not fun to feel... but perhaps a necessary step on the journey to a healthier relating. Might not be the ONLY step in this process that needs to happen. But it is one step.

Because you both have additional issues, might consider individual counseling as well as couple counseling.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Sounds like things are looking up a little after all; that is good to hear.
 

sexyserb

Member
HurtandConfused;397851[B said:
]I do not like that he called her, but I understand the situation
[/B]
I do not blame her, i was in a terrible place last night and we slid a bit further back because a lot of my own yet-to-be-resolved insecurities and fears were ressurected.

We are out at dinner talking.. i dont feel this is the end of anything, just another large challenge

We are more than these situations, we will overcome.

Great, positive news that he called her on an unknown number and that she did not seek him out.
Whats not so great is that
(1)she did not shut him down and tell him not to call any more. She actually had more calls
(2)she just stated he is one of besties. Any therapist that tells you the way to heal from an affair is to have the cheating spouse maintain contact and confide in the affair partner should lose their license.

great, Ting has made her choice. But apparently not without him being able to talk to her whenever he feels like. And thats OK with you that you understand???

If youve been cheated on before you might want to ask Ting to read a few books like How To Help Your Spouse heal from an affair.

Again leaving Ting out of this why on earth do you want to continue to want to have regard for this guys feelings or be treating him cordially like a buddy. How many times does he have to tell you he will back off and then contact your wife again before you get a little pissed off???? Not at her but him.
Unless you really do want this guy in your life in some capacity you need to stop being mr. Nice Guy to the guy who gleefully inserted himself into your marriage. This is one of the most bizarre things in this story. You keep cordially asking him to back off and he keeps by his actions telling you to fuck off.

I can see where Ting may be confused to some extent. You are telling her there is no polyamory going to be practiced yet you keep finding reasons why its Ok for them to stay in contact in any way.

How about if Ting want you that the next time he contacts her she tells him he is never to call her again, thats the way she wants it, and that she is going right to you, not having multiple conversations with him. And then you tell him you are changing her phone number, blocking him on all social media and reporting him to the police if he continues to call her at work. Now tell me why Ting should object to that please???

Of course you can reconcile. People reconcile from much worse. But I;d like to know how you put this behind you if your partner decides this guy is going to remain her confident and life coach.
 
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