HurtandConfused said:
I completely agree, I have been in contact with him on a couple of occasions to explain the situation, both times he has been very willing to step away and let us work on things. I would not treat a human like that (just ghost out on them).
If he's calling Ting42 on her work line, he's not stepping away and giving you space to work on things. Ting42 seems to have told him to stop calling.
It might be upsetting that he called, but Ting seems to be trying to hold the line.
HurtandConfused said:
We are both making great strides in communication and have talked to a councilor that gave us good communication exercises and advice. Every thing is not "ok" but we are both committed to working together and both can't see ourselves with out each other involved in each others lives in at the very least some capacity in the future.
Glad to hear you have a counselor now. The road might still be bumpy, but you are taking steps so there is some progress.
only 4 days ago I was suicidal for the FIRST time in my life. We are dealing with serious issues here that need professional help.
Ting, if you feel suicidal please go to ER. I'm sorry this is causing so much tumult for you that you are that that place. You are correct that you need professional hope. So rather than post too much here, put the energy into seeking the professionals.
Ting42 said:
what we need right now is advice that helps us grow past these really destructive cycles that we are in
FWIW, I think you guys could try this to reduce the stress:
1) Tell a doc about the suicidal feelings.
Attend to that first.
2) Let this thread be only HurtandConfused's thread. To serve as his emotional outlet when bumps happen.
3) Ting, if you need a thread, start a
new one. Maybe even on a separate forum. To serve as your emotional outlet when bumps happen.
4) Agree NOT to read each other's threads wherever it is they are located. It is not enough for TOG to give you space. You have to give EACH OTHER some processing space too. But know forum people are NOT professionals. Put the main energy on working with counselor. Know it will take TIME.
5) Agree to only talk about the things related to marriage repair/TOG stuff
at counseling appointments. Not outside them. At least to start.
Example:
Point of clarification: I did NOT speak to TOG about us. He simply asked how things were going and I told him they were going great and that you and I were really starting to work things out and that I was happy. I showed you respect by coming to talk to you about this.
This news? Could have waited until a counseling appointment. If TOG calls, and you basically are telling him to stop calling? Why does it have to be shared right NOW? Sometimes it is not what you tell, but HOW and WHEN you tell it.
Coming right after a romantic date weekend, from the POV of HurtandConfused? It may feel jarring or triggering. You may have meant it like "See? I'm keeping new agreements now, telling him to shoo" but how it comes across might still be upsetting for HurtandConfused because for him it might be like "Can't I have just one span of time without this other stuff creeping in?" Even if your news is "good news" its still talking about stuff he may need a break from. Are you able to see that?
Had you waited to tell at a counseling appointment, you could have had the counselor present to help smooth the bump and provide both with support. You could have met (your need to tell and update) AND (HurtandConfused's need to have a break from all the stuff.)
6) The other stuff you are working out with work and chores and whatnot... if it is easier to write email to each other so you can both stay calmer? Do that.
Because its like when you talk together in person about difficult topics
by yourselves? You both get into a feedback loop thing. Where if one emotionally floods the other one wigs or goes into their own emotional flood. You end up triggering and re-triggering each other.
You both seem to acknowledge that you have some skills you both could learn. Until you learn them? Make some agreements about your metacommunication -- "These topics? We will only talk about them like
this so we can still talk about them, but in a way that does not escalate issues." The HOW you talk. Maybe bring that up with the counselor.
Galagirl