I'm a very giving person, part of why I'm so frustrated with myself.
Back when I thought they were just inappropriately close friends I agreed to allow him some storage space on my property
But
why give free storage to a person who you think is inappropriately close in the first place? You want people to think you are "nice guy?" Something else?
What you call "very giving" I would call being too
selfless. It's not being MEAN to say "No free storage here." There are other places to store. It doesn't have to be with you. In the continuum of
selfish ----- self-full --- selfless
selfish is "mememememe." It's all about my needs, forget other people's.
selfless is "themthemthem." It's all about other people needs, forget mine.
The more balanced place in the middle of "self-full" is "I meet my own needs first. Then I can gift my help to others in meeting their
reasonable and
rational requests."
It's not selfish to do your own self care FIRST before helping others. It is NECESSARY to avoid burning out. And it is not optional.
Just like in a plane you put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help other people with theirs. If you don't? You pass out. What good is that for you? And it's not like you can help many people when you are passed out.
i don't know. she thinks i'm not treating her fairly for "giving up" (in her mind) her affair partner, I'm ASTOUNDED that she doesn't understand what no contact means and how i need that.
Well, you are not being fair to yourself. You do not say "I need a firm period of no contact. This is NOT no contact" in a kind but firm and consistent manner. You do not work to meet your needs. You sabotage them.
If she has difficulty understanding your POV to begin with, I think you compound the problem by giving mixed messages.
Just earlier you said "He called. You need to call him back." I get you guys to that to "protect each other " or "protect selves" but it doesn't sound like that actually works. So could start saying what you
actually want, need, mean. Clear some of the confusion sources on your end at least.
If you need a time of no contact? You could have told him "It is supposed to be no contact til October. There was one exception. Please keep to the agreements" and hang up the phone.
You could have told her "It is supposed to be no contact til October. There was one exception. Please keep your agreements and if he breaks it on his end, please tell him to straighten out. I just had to tell him because he called here."
What behavior are you doing that she thinks is not fair? You do not actually say.
We just got in a argument over me trying to express how this makes me feel.
Which is why I suggest NOT having the emotionally charged conversations by yourselves. Have them with a counselor.
And in between practice better CLEAR communication on the less emotionally charged stuff -- house chores, grocery, kids, etc.
While sticking to the October contact agreement. 3 people made and agreement and it is like NOBODY is holding it up. Then you guys wonder why this attempt is so wonky.
It is possible for you to intellectually be ok with poly and be emotionally a wreck with it because you see that as a group? This group does not have all the skills to do poly WELL at this time. It's all wonky now and not looking any better if it changes from "thinking about doing poly together after a cheating start" to "ok, we are doing poly now."
Part of you sees the wonky.
Part of you is thinking of signing up for it
anyway.
While another part of you is going "OMG, WHY?"
Or at least... that what it seems like to me. That could be part of your distress. You are not meeting your own need for "I want to be safe" if you are considering getting involved in wonky stuff.
Galagirl