Coming out as polyamorous is hard

Isaiah990

Member
Coming out as polyamorous was very hard. I got to know a few women and told them I wanted a monogamous relationship. It was during a time when I thought I was monogamous. After realizing I was polyamorous, I told them about it. They didn't know how to react. They were shocked. Some were passive aggressive and tried to hide their pain. Others said "there's no love in polyamory." Ultimately, they were all deeply hurt that I would never be exclusively theirs. I felt really bad seeing them hurt, but they deserved the truth.
 

Polymark

New member
Good for you. Women will say all sorts of things to attempt to shame you into the frame they want you to be in. They will also try to marry you and take you for everything you have.

Don’t bend the knee. Be true to yourself. Protect your assets. If a woman doesn’t complement your life leave her and find someone who does and fits into what YOU want!
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Hi Isaiah

I'm glad you cleared the way for you to be able to find partners with compatible values. It sucks hurting anyone you've gotten to know, but it means they can also move on and find a compatible partner each.

With polyamory, you may or may not escalate any new relationship, the cool part is that it's so much more expected to communicate thoroughly about the relationship shape and expectations when you are practicing polyamory well. And that aside, perhaps you might like to explore solo poly for a while. That's an option, too.

All the best.
 

Isaiah990

Member
Good for you. Women will say all sorts of things to attempt to shame you into the frame they want you to be in. They will also try to marry you and take you for everything you have.

Don’t bend the knee. Be true to yourself. Protect your assets. If a woman doesn’t complement your life leave her and find someone who does and fits into what YOU want!

Right, they said things like "how would you feel if your girlfriend had multiple boyfriends?" I said "if she's happy, why not?" Lol. I think a few though secretly wanted to break out of traditional norms. They were against me having multiple partners because of traditional marriage, but were the same ones sexting and sending nudes lol. It hurts because we liked each other, but I had to think about what was best for me long term. I could get in a monogamous relationship with them because of the attraction, but then I'd wonder about what it'd be like to have other women when it wears off. It was hard resisting.
 

Isaiah990

Member
Hi Isaiah

I'm glad you cleared the way for you to be able to find partners with compatible values. It sucks hurting anyone you've gotten to know, but it means they can also move on and find a compatible partner each.

With polyamory, you may or may not escalate any new relationship, the cool part is that it's so much more expected to communicate thoroughly about the relationship shape and expectations when you are practicing polyamory well. And that aside, perhaps you might like to explore solo poly for a while. That's an option, too.

All the best.

It's scary being polyamorous. For almost my whole life, I've been taught only about monogamy. No one taught me how to have a polyamorous relationship. I think that's why I chose monogamy for so long because it was in my comfort zone. With polyamory, I'm going down an unfamiliar path. Someone told me "most people are against polyamory."
 

Polymark

New member
Right, they said things like "how would you feel if your girlfriend had multiple boyfriends?" I said "if she's happy, why not?" Lol. I think a few though secretly wanted to break out of traditional norms. They were against me having multiple partners because of traditional marriage, but were the same ones sexting and sending nudes lol. It hurts because we liked each other, but I had to think about what was best for me long term. I could get in a monogamous relationship with them because of the attraction, but then I'd wonder about what it'd be like to have other women when it wears off. It was hard resisting.

Bro, I have had women tell me all sorts of crazy stuff to try to get me to bend the knee. Sometimes the freak out is just a bluff. A lot of them come crawling back and agreed to MY terms of the relationship.

If she likes you, she will do what it takes to be with you. If she doesn’t like you that much you don’t want it anyway. Stay strong. Hold your frame no matter what 👍
 

Isaiah990

Member
Bro, I have had women tell me all sorts of crazy stuff to try to get me to bend the knee. Sometimes the freak out is just a bluff. A lot of them come crawling back and agreed to MY terms of the relationship.

If she likes you, she will do what it takes to be with you. If she doesn’t like you that much you don’t want it anyway. Stay strong. Hold your frame no matter what 👍
I noticed many monogamous women aren't concerned about love. They're just afraid of being abandoned so they try to control their partners by limiting their interactions with the opposite sex. Fear is not love. That's my problem with monogamous relationships. I like polyamorous relationships because there's a lot of honesty and communication. At least there should be. I'd rather have my partner admit she wants to see other people than live in fear she'll cheat behind my back.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I noticed many monogamous women aren't concerned about love. They're just afraid of being abandoned so they try to control their partners by limiting their interactions with the opposite sex. Fear is not love. That's my problem with monogamous relationships. I like polyamorous relationships because there's a lot of honesty and communication. At least there should be. I'd rather have my partner admit she wants to see other people than live in fear she'll cheat behind my back.
And that is why polyamory is not possible without feminism. Of course women needed to be married to feel secure in the present and for their future. You don't have to go back that far, maybe to the 1950s-80s, where every woman was taught that she HAD to hook a man to be safe. Whether she loved him or not. It was about the wallet. And this was true because we were paid such low wages, we could not support ourselves financially, much less support any children we may have had. Now that we have reliable birth control, smaller families, and now that women have fought hard for more equality in jobs and wages, and made some progress there (not enough), we can feel more financially secure even if we don't "catch a man."
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Fear (of loss) tends to happen when you see your partner as a commodity in some way. We can only really lose what we perceive to own. So in healthy monogamy as well as healthy polyamory, it's good practice to see a partner not in a possessive way, but a complementary way. Seems like common sense except we're often not taught it so it's not that common.
 

Polymark

New member
Which is why I think poly people shouldn’t marry. Esp feminists. It’s a system that pushes couples back to the stone ages. Assumes an anti-feminism male provider model. And reduces men to commodities.

Marriage is anti feminism. And had no space for poly concepts. Three, four, or more providers ect. If your venturing into alternative relationship models ditch the marriage model IMO. I will never get married.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I should add that there are millions of fundamentalist evangelical families in the USA RIGHT NOW that still treat their daughters as possessions of their fathers, then their husbands, and expect them to get married young, not work outside the home, breed copiously, do all the cooking and cleaning, and also homeschool their children. I didn't want to come across as if this had been entirely done away with. Of course it hasn't been.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
And when the wife is the higher earner but both are working full time... no. Marriage itself is not the problem and it is not necessary to reject it in order to be polyamorous, successfully.

Edited to add: I've personally not had a cohabiting polycule, nor do I intend to, and I see that marriage can be problematic in that instance because of legal protections for spouses, but that's just one subset of polyamory practice, so I don't want to tar every other possibility with the, "marriage is bad" brush.

2nd edit, I'm pretty lucky in NZ that we are very liberal on the whole regarding relationship configurations. Common law marriage between more than two has already been flagged to govt as something that needs addressing sooner rather than later.
 
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Polymark

New member
It’s high risk low reward for men and low risk high reward for women. Esp if you have kids. A woman can ravage your income and prevent you from fathering your children. Men become human atm machines. Highly highly gender biased system which is anti-feminism in nature from what I understand.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
It's scary being polyamorous. For almost my whole life, I've been taught only about monogamy. No one taught me how to have a polyamorous relationship. I think that's why I chose monogamy for so long because it was in my comfort zone. With polyamory, I'm going down an unfamiliar path.

It's quite an endeavor, and it's even more intense depending on your social surroundings. By the time I identified as non-monogamous I had already been in a number of monogamish associations, so it wasn't as huge for me as it would be for someone who has always lived a traditional life.

I would focus my energy on examining what makes an association healthy, and worry less about how many people you are dating. This is true for all relationship types (including monogamy).

Someone told me "most people are against polyamory."

People fear and reject things that they don't understand, and this is doubly true when they live inside a traditional system that explicitly rejects everything outside of it.

There are plenty of reasons to stay monogamous, and fear of how your fellows treat you can be one of them. However, when we make decisions based on what we are afraid of, instead of what we love, we make shit decisions.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I don't know very much about US custody laws but from what little I've seen, they are imbalanced, moreso than my country, but this really isn't pertinent to Isaiah's current situation so let's not continue with the marriage, divorce discussion, it's off the original topic.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
It’s high risk low reward for men and low risk high reward for women.

Starting to get a little one note.

Can we not devolve every discussion on these boards into your issues with women?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Starting to get a little one note.

Can we not devolve every discussion on these boards into your issues with women?
Just keep reporting him.
 

Polymark

New member
Just keep reporting him.

You are the one that brought marriage up!?
You basically said feminism negated the need for marriage. And I agree.

idk why everyone is so combative towards me around here.

Also your the one that brought up feminism, chastity, and religion. And I’m taking heat about derailing the topic? Seriously?
 
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Inaniel

Active member
Never mind.
 
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Polymark

New member
And that is why polyamory is not possible without feminism. Of course women needed to be married to feel secure in the present and for their future. You don't have to go back that far, maybe to the 1950s-80s, where every woman was taught that she HAD to hook a man to be safe. Whether she loved him or not. It was about the wallet. And this was true because we were paid such low wages, we could not support ourselves financially, much less support any children we may have had. Now that we have reliable birth control, smaller families, and now that women have fought hard for more equality in jobs and wages, and made some progress there (not enough), we can feel more financially secure even if we don't "catch a man."
I should add that there are millions of fundamentalist evangelical families in the USA RIGHT NOW that still treat their daughters as possessions of their fathers, then their husbands, and expect them to get married young, not work outside the home, breed copiously, do all the cooking and cleaning, and also homeschool their children. I didn't want to come across as if this had been entirely done away with. Of course it hasn't been.

I have reported these off-topic posts. It is unfortunate that Magdlyn interjected unwanted political topics when they have nothing to to with the original topic, or the ongoing discussion I was having with Isaiah990. I appologize for her Isaiah as I am sure she will not apologize for herself.


Starting to get a little one note, Magdlyn

Can we not devolve every discussion on these boards into your issues with men and the patriarchy?
 
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