I find that it's easier for me to talk to outsiders about when I LIKE someone (in "that" way) than it is for me to talk to the person I like about my feelings for them.
I think I'm hardly the only one, in regard to this.
Communication Workshop
- Thread starter River
- Start date
I find that it's easier for me to talk to outsiders about when I LIKE someone (in "that" way) than it is for me to talk to the person I like about my feelings for them.
I think I'm hardly the only one, in regard to this.
LovingRadiance
Active member
Thank you, everyone! I only named some specific people because I know they have a tendency towards different perspectives (which is also why I ended the list of names with "anyone else?").
This isn't an issue pertinent to Maca, GG and me. It's not only a lover-communication issue. But it's still important. I greatly appreciate all of the helpful thoughts and suggestions.
This isn't an issue pertinent to Maca, GG and me. It's not only a lover-communication issue. But it's still important. I greatly appreciate all of the helpful thoughts and suggestions.
Great thread and good links!
I read a lot of wonderfully open and balanced opinions on this forum. I think you are all great communicators.
I often wonder how to get my feelings and thoughts across to my love without afterwards finding out that we didn't understood each other. How to communicate while you have a different worldview on topics so "normal" that you think everybody has the same view?
I'm reading about non-violent communication. This manner of communication also keeps your observations and opinions as a personal thing and doesn't throw it at somebody. Interesting for all communication, essential in loving relationships.
Green greetings,
Estar
I read a lot of wonderfully open and balanced opinions on this forum. I think you are all great communicators.
I often wonder how to get my feelings and thoughts across to my love without afterwards finding out that we didn't understood each other. How to communicate while you have a different worldview on topics so "normal" that you think everybody has the same view?
I'm reading about non-violent communication. This manner of communication also keeps your observations and opinions as a personal thing and doesn't throw it at somebody. Interesting for all communication, essential in loving relationships.
Green greetings,
Estar
RickPlus
New member
Hi all,
Great thread.
If you are going to communicate something that is difficult, or that the other person will be resistant to, it is important to make a comfortable environment to support the other person (or yourself!). Deliberately scheduling time, putting your phones away, and arranging that there won't be interruptions are things you may wish to do.
The advice in this thread assumes that everybody communicating are honest agents, who WANT to clearly communicate. Occasionally you run into those who do not want clear communication; they are running their own agenda. The formal communication techniques described above in the post above can help to smoke them out. If someone never seems to have time for these clear, formal communication techniques, or they always prefer their own style (which never quite seems to get to the important things you want to talk about) then it would raise big warning flags for me.
You might want to consider if you wish to remain close to them.
Warm regards,
Rick
Great thread.
If you are going to communicate something that is difficult, or that the other person will be resistant to, it is important to make a comfortable environment to support the other person (or yourself!). Deliberately scheduling time, putting your phones away, and arranging that there won't be interruptions are things you may wish to do.
The advice in this thread assumes that everybody communicating are honest agents, who WANT to clearly communicate. Occasionally you run into those who do not want clear communication; they are running their own agenda. The formal communication techniques described above in the post above can help to smoke them out. If someone never seems to have time for these clear, formal communication techniques, or they always prefer their own style (which never quite seems to get to the important things you want to talk about) then it would raise big warning flags for me.
You might want to consider if you wish to remain close to them.
Warm regards,
Rick
SchrodingersCat
Active member
Wow, there's some great stuff in here. I printed out at least 3 posts.
I especially liked LovingRadiance's 3-sentence format. I think that could work really well for my husband and me, because I think we sometimes misunderstand each other and forget to paraphrase back. We also forget to revisit the issues the next day, and only remember when it becomes an issue again. So having an "appointment" to revisit it would be great for me.
I have another question about communication. As described above, my husband is a major introvert and I'm an extrovert: I come talk to him the moment something starts bothering me, and he only comes to talk to me after he's figured out 100% of what he's thinking and feeling, which leaves me wondering for three days what he's brewing about.
He's gotten much better in the past three years (three days, down from two weeks) but I would really love to be involved in his thoughts and problem-solving processes.
What are some some ways I could encourage him to talk to me sooner when something is on his mind? From his description, it takes him this long to "decide" how he's feeling about it, and whether it's really a problem that needs to be addressed, or just an "overreaction" on his part.
In my opinion, if he has an inkling of a feeling about something, it should be addressed, because otherwise he's just going to convince himself that it doesn't bother him, when it obviously did if he spent three days deciding whether it bothered him. Right?
I especially liked LovingRadiance's 3-sentence format. I think that could work really well for my husband and me, because I think we sometimes misunderstand each other and forget to paraphrase back. We also forget to revisit the issues the next day, and only remember when it becomes an issue again. So having an "appointment" to revisit it would be great for me.
I have another question about communication. As described above, my husband is a major introvert and I'm an extrovert: I come talk to him the moment something starts bothering me, and he only comes to talk to me after he's figured out 100% of what he's thinking and feeling, which leaves me wondering for three days what he's brewing about.
He's gotten much better in the past three years (three days, down from two weeks) but I would really love to be involved in his thoughts and problem-solving processes.
What are some some ways I could encourage him to talk to me sooner when something is on his mind? From his description, it takes him this long to "decide" how he's feeling about it, and whether it's really a problem that needs to be addressed, or just an "overreaction" on his part.
In my opinion, if he has an inkling of a feeling about something, it should be addressed, because otherwise he's just going to convince himself that it doesn't bother him, when it obviously did if he spent three days deciding whether it bothered him. Right?
C
Ceoli
Guest
My best friend (Amanda) and her wife (Wanda) have this exact problem and we were just talking about it. One of the suggestions we came up with in our conversation had to do with finding a way to provide a communication avenue what would satisfy Amanda's extroverted need for that overt processing and Wanda's introverted need for internal processing. They decided that for the time that Wanda was processing, she would make the effort to write that processing in an open journal that Amanda could read. However, while Amanda could read the journal, she agreed that she would not react to it, or ask for conversations about what was in the journal, until Wanda was ready. They also tossed the idea around of just communicating back and forth via that journal, but decided not to.
The idea is that they're just working on creating a space for communication that fits both of their communication styles, which requires a bit of stretching on both of their parts.
SchrodingersCat
Active member
That's brilliant! It gives both of them a little bit of what they need. Wanda gets to process without interruption, and Amanda doesn't feel completely left in the dark. I'm going to suggest this to HB! It may be difficult for me not to afterwards react to something he changed his mind about, but that will be a good lesson in self-control.
redpepper
Active member
Compassionate communication (NVC)
I went to an afternoon course last week on Compassionate Communication (or Nonviolent Communication [NVC]). It was a work thing, but as usual, translated nicely into my real life. The facilitator was a local woman that had just written her master's thesis using the theories of NVC with the movie "The Wizard of OZ"
The movie starts with Dorothy getting into a dispute over Toto, her dog, and a neighbor woman who wants to impound him. Toto is considered a symbol of Dorothy's self being threatened. Dorothy is very upset and goes to look for someone to talk to about it. All her regular support systems are not available (auntie and uncle) and she begins to spiral into herself-- the tornado.
When Dorothy lands on her feet again, everything has changed. She begins a journey on the yellow brick road to discover herself, and in doing so, discovers how to take care of her own needs.
First she meets Scarecrow, who is looking for his brain. Oftentimes when we go through a trauma, we only seem to have emotions and our brain doesn't click on. Sometimes it makes us feel stupid and as if we should pull ourselves together in some way.
Then Dorothy meets the Tin Man, who is looking for his heart, another part of the self that feels as if it goes missing, as we are unable to empathize with others and be in the world with other people. We are also unable to love ourselves sometimes.
In the scary forest Dorothy meets the Cowardly Lion, who represents her inner self feeling afraid and unable to face anything because she feels so damaged with her crazy situation.
The Wicked Witch of the West comes on the scene several times and is a reminder of what happened to get her into this state in the first place. She is constantly trying to lure Dorothy back to her trauma state where she will not be on her road to discovery anymore and re-live the experience over and over again.
The poppy field, where the group of friends fall asleep, is where addictions come in to play. Sometimes it's easier to avoid the path and just sleep through life. Addictions can be anything from drugs and alcohol to overworking or filling one's life up with things to do so as to avoid discovering ourselves.
When Dorothy and her friends reach the Emerald City, which is symbolic of the ever-elusive material gift that some people think they will get if they could only achieve better things in their lives, she discovers the Wizard. Much to her disappointment, the Wizard is just an old man behind a curtain. He is also an illusion of someone that will take all her pain away and magically get her home... or make her understand herself, feel safe and wanted in life.
The Wizard says to her, "I am a bad wizard, but a good man." Sometimes people think that it is a person that will make us be better. When it is discovered that they are only human too, there is anger and resentment there.
Glinda the Good Witch is that constant reminder that we have people in our life who will stay by us while we discover ourselves. Sometimes that can manifest in having a favorite place to go, or an activity to do. Glinda suggests to Dorothy that she click her heels together and get herself home. She had the power to do anything she wanted all along; she just needed to realize that for herself.
This was so moving to me and has made me think of my own tornados in life. I have them every day in small ways. Some of them are much bigger. I seem to be on several yellow brick roads all at once, too.
I hope this gives others food for thought. Of course, I haven't done it all justice, and I am sure that the facilitator's thesis is very thorough. Still, I hope it is helpful.
I went to an afternoon course last week on Compassionate Communication (or Nonviolent Communication [NVC]). It was a work thing, but as usual, translated nicely into my real life. The facilitator was a local woman that had just written her master's thesis using the theories of NVC with the movie "The Wizard of OZ"
The movie starts with Dorothy getting into a dispute over Toto, her dog, and a neighbor woman who wants to impound him. Toto is considered a symbol of Dorothy's self being threatened. Dorothy is very upset and goes to look for someone to talk to about it. All her regular support systems are not available (auntie and uncle) and she begins to spiral into herself-- the tornado.
When Dorothy lands on her feet again, everything has changed. She begins a journey on the yellow brick road to discover herself, and in doing so, discovers how to take care of her own needs.
First she meets Scarecrow, who is looking for his brain. Oftentimes when we go through a trauma, we only seem to have emotions and our brain doesn't click on. Sometimes it makes us feel stupid and as if we should pull ourselves together in some way.
Then Dorothy meets the Tin Man, who is looking for his heart, another part of the self that feels as if it goes missing, as we are unable to empathize with others and be in the world with other people. We are also unable to love ourselves sometimes.
In the scary forest Dorothy meets the Cowardly Lion, who represents her inner self feeling afraid and unable to face anything because she feels so damaged with her crazy situation.
The Wicked Witch of the West comes on the scene several times and is a reminder of what happened to get her into this state in the first place. She is constantly trying to lure Dorothy back to her trauma state where she will not be on her road to discovery anymore and re-live the experience over and over again.
The poppy field, where the group of friends fall asleep, is where addictions come in to play. Sometimes it's easier to avoid the path and just sleep through life. Addictions can be anything from drugs and alcohol to overworking or filling one's life up with things to do so as to avoid discovering ourselves.
When Dorothy and her friends reach the Emerald City, which is symbolic of the ever-elusive material gift that some people think they will get if they could only achieve better things in their lives, she discovers the Wizard. Much to her disappointment, the Wizard is just an old man behind a curtain. He is also an illusion of someone that will take all her pain away and magically get her home... or make her understand herself, feel safe and wanted in life.
The Wizard says to her, "I am a bad wizard, but a good man." Sometimes people think that it is a person that will make us be better. When it is discovered that they are only human too, there is anger and resentment there.
Glinda the Good Witch is that constant reminder that we have people in our life who will stay by us while we discover ourselves. Sometimes that can manifest in having a favorite place to go, or an activity to do. Glinda suggests to Dorothy that she click her heels together and get herself home. She had the power to do anything she wanted all along; she just needed to realize that for herself.
This was so moving to me and has made me think of my own tornados in life. I have them every day in small ways. Some of them are much bigger. I seem to be on several yellow brick roads all at once, too.
I hope this gives others food for thought. Of course, I haven't done it all justice, and I am sure that the facilitator's thesis is very thorough. Still, I hope it is helpful.
CielDuMatin
New member
The key question to me, though, is, were you listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while following this through? 
In all seriousness, though, I think it has some good messages, for sure. I'm glad it was useful to you.
I have certainly learned a lot from this forum about what people consider to be effective communication, based on the examples that they have given in how they themselves act. It is teaching me a lot about the kinds of communication I want to participate in, and those I want to avoid for the sake of my own mental health.
In all seriousness, though, I think it has some good messages, for sure. I'm glad it was useful to you.
I have certainly learned a lot from this forum about what people consider to be effective communication, based on the examples that they have given in how they themselves act. It is teaching me a lot about the kinds of communication I want to participate in, and those I want to avoid for the sake of my own mental health.
rolypoly
New member
Wow! That hits home, redpepper. That sounds like it was a wonderful workshop. I've read a bit about the Hero with a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell. There are 5 ways to tell a story. And I have analyzed the Wizard of Oz in this light, but never in the light you just presented. Got me thinking! It's so true!
SchrodingersCat
Active member
Awww maaaannnn! Whydya hafta go and ruin a perfectly good movie by making it all "about something"?
In all seriousness, that actually makes a lot of sense, and I'm a little surprised I've never seen it that way. Then again, I haven't watched The Wizard of Oz since I was a kid.
Next you're going to spoil Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, aren't you? They've already destroyed Winnie the Pooh.
redpepper
Active member
I will be sure to warn you if I find some strange analogies related to any other movies and popular stories. Would that help?
punkrockmomma
New member
Personal Communication Issues
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not sure if I saw anything in this thread about overcoming difficult personal communication issues.
My childhood was less than stellar in many ways, a huge box o' stuff that I prefer not to open unless necessary.
"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at at all. You're too sensitive. Be the better person." The list is long.
I have overcome much of these issues as a parent. My son is loving and communicative with me and we share a really strong bond. This causes me constant grief though, outside of parenting, as I do want to communicate more effectively with intimate partners. In stressful situations my communication skills vary between becoming very emotionally overwrought and choked up, to blunt and straightforward, to the point of throwing people off completely.
A friend of mine communicated something to me which I thought was terribly sweet, essentially, that being close to me requires persistence. You have to be willing to work at the walls, bit by bit. Much like Jenga, you pull out that key block and everything comes tumbling down. Then you can truly see what a wonderful friend I am.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm not sure if I saw anything in this thread about overcoming difficult personal communication issues.
My childhood was less than stellar in many ways, a huge box o' stuff that I prefer not to open unless necessary.
"If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at at all. You're too sensitive. Be the better person." The list is long.
I have overcome much of these issues as a parent. My son is loving and communicative with me and we share a really strong bond. This causes me constant grief though, outside of parenting, as I do want to communicate more effectively with intimate partners. In stressful situations my communication skills vary between becoming very emotionally overwrought and choked up, to blunt and straightforward, to the point of throwing people off completely.
A friend of mine communicated something to me which I thought was terribly sweet, essentially, that being close to me requires persistence. You have to be willing to work at the walls, bit by bit. Much like Jenga, you pull out that key block and everything comes tumbling down. Then you can truly see what a wonderful friend I am.
redpepper
Active member
PRM, have you tried a search on "communication?" It's a personal passion of mine and I tag it as often as it comes up. Perhaps that will help.
I am finding that I am much like you in what you say here. Although I have been blessed with very skilled communicators in my adult life. I seek them out. My husband is becoming very skilled and is heading towards NVC training. We took a course in it before we married and it has been the foundation of our communication ever since.
Anyway, there is a book of the same title and lots of stuff online. It has taught me how to speak when I am in blow-up mode (which is often for me, I am a redhead after all). There is room for bluntness, but I am working on taming it. I hope that you find some some links that are helpful. Please post them if you do.
BTW, I am finding your communication to be very good. In reading your thread about your situation, I thought so. The truth of the matter is that it's hard work, and not everyone cares enough, or is good at it. We don't learn it unless we are taught, or teach ourselves, and that is part of the problem. Our culture holds hardly any merit in communicating well. If it did it would be a subject at school. We have to teach ourselves, and each other, and especially our children, as you seem to know all too well.
I am finding that I am much like you in what you say here. Although I have been blessed with very skilled communicators in my adult life. I seek them out. My husband is becoming very skilled and is heading towards NVC training. We took a course in it before we married and it has been the foundation of our communication ever since.
Anyway, there is a book of the same title and lots of stuff online. It has taught me how to speak when I am in blow-up mode (which is often for me, I am a redhead after all). There is room for bluntness, but I am working on taming it. I hope that you find some some links that are helpful. Please post them if you do.
BTW, I am finding your communication to be very good. In reading your thread about your situation, I thought so. The truth of the matter is that it's hard work, and not everyone cares enough, or is good at it. We don't learn it unless we are taught, or teach ourselves, and that is part of the problem. Our culture holds hardly any merit in communicating well. If it did it would be a subject at school. We have to teach ourselves, and each other, and especially our children, as you seem to know all too well.
punkrockmomma
New member
Aw, thank you, redpepper.
My recent experience took a bit of a chunk out of my self esteem in regards to my communication skills. I just couldn't wrap my head around some of the ways they've structured their relationship. I am starting to realize that maybe it wasn't that I communicate as badly as it seemed, that maybe we just weren't the right people to be communicating and building a relationship together.
My difficult matter in need of discussing is when should someone already involved in the family be informed of other possible relationships that could be forming? In other words, is it ridiculous for me to expect to know at the first chance of a new relationship developing or ridiculous for him to expect me to not know until he is certain she is someone he could see joining our family?
CielDuMatin
New member
Well, each relationship style is different. I, personally, like to know when there is some sort of interest there - so the earlier, the better.
I would be upset if a first date happened without me knowing about it.
rpcrazy
New member
Without adding a whole lot, could we change this sticky or add another one with actual references to websites, or even a copy/original post on communication? There's a lot to be said about it. An above also made a very good point. We should make two separate threads, one for "overcoming communication issues" and one for "good communication". Maybe like a listing of xeromag's articles and some personal ones for people on here. You guyz and girlz are super smart. Write something!
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PollyPocket
New member
Communication 101
I was just curious if everyone has also had HUGE battles with communication within their relationship? (FFM. I am the wife of the husband with the girl, C.)
I consider myself a very good communicator, but lately I just seem to not be doing a very good job. My husband has become pretty used to my style and even though he has his communication challenges, he appears an expert next to C. She is capable of communication, for I have seen it in action, but she just simply doesn't like/want to do it.
My need to revisit things in order to make sense of it sends her completely around the bend. After it is discussed once, it is officially done, never to be broached again.
I took the unusual step of writing them both an open letter, where I laid out all of my perspectives. This seemed to work for everyone, although the ensuing instant message session that C and I had turned ugly, as she again thought I was discussing things too much, or more to the point, 'rehashing.'
Is this the time you just pay for a therapist and leave the discussion out of the relationship? How else can two different styles meet in the middle? How do you tell someone that you need to move past things by processing and revisiting?
I was just curious if everyone has also had HUGE battles with communication within their relationship? (FFM. I am the wife of the husband with the girl, C.)
I consider myself a very good communicator, but lately I just seem to not be doing a very good job. My husband has become pretty used to my style and even though he has his communication challenges, he appears an expert next to C. She is capable of communication, for I have seen it in action, but she just simply doesn't like/want to do it.
My need to revisit things in order to make sense of it sends her completely around the bend. After it is discussed once, it is officially done, never to be broached again.
I took the unusual step of writing them both an open letter, where I laid out all of my perspectives. This seemed to work for everyone, although the ensuing instant message session that C and I had turned ugly, as she again thought I was discussing things too much, or more to the point, 'rehashing.'
Is this the time you just pay for a therapist and leave the discussion out of the relationship? How else can two different styles meet in the middle? How do you tell someone that you need to move past things by processing and revisiting?