Compersion: Merged Threads, General Discussion

geminigirl said:
You do not have to feel compersion to be poly, nor do you have to be free of jealousy to be poly. Humans vary in their emotions, and poly people are human. :)

;)
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Bingo!! I feel compersion for my friends who have a good bike ride :) People experience it all the time but don't realize it.
 
I experienced some compersion with Kevin when he fell in love with another guy some years ago. I certainly didn't feel threatened by Kevin's love for this other guy. But I think I knew, deep down, that that particular relationship was not destined to last long, which it didn't. In all honestly, I'd love for Kevin to have another love him beautifully.

Kevin must have been feeling some compersion in my relationship with Faraway Sweetie. He encouraged me and lent emotional support as I explored that relationship.

'Course, I've been with Kevin for 15 years. Such duration certainly makes a difference--for us. If we were brand new with one another things might be very different. We're secure in the fact of our mutual love. There can be no doubt.
 
Yes compersion is real. I find that I feel it more when I truly care about all parties involved though. I find it much more difficult to feel compersion when either I don't know a metamour or we don't get along particularly well. I don't generally feel anything negative to take it's place, I mostly just feel puzzled.
 
Love to love the lovers who love to love the love.

I do think that compersion is real, but it takes a solid basis of communication, time spent caring for the primary relationship, and checking in to keep compersion going for any length of time. There's a big difference between everything running smoothly and you feeling really happy for your partner's connections and there being a bump in the road and that happiness sticking around!

To me, the better that conversations, the more self inventory, and the more honesty, the closer compersion comes to the surface. Good diet, sleep, exercise, self love/care in general also make a big difference!
 
Yes. I've felt it for my metamour since the lines of communication have been opened up between her and I, and seeing her as a peer rather than the woman who is plotting to threaten and destroy the established relationship she has entered into.
 
or just an ideal people try to aim for? Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion?
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For me, compersion is very similar to the good feelings I get when good fortune befalls a close friend. I'm genuinely happy for them. I love them and I want what's best for them and when that happens, its a good thing.


Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed?
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Jealousy still happens. But as mentioned before, its more about your own security with yourself or your relationship than it is about the other person. When it happens, we talk about it and I ask for assurance that our relationship is ok. Sometimes a discussion is sufficient, other times I need more affection.



Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?
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I don't have any other relationships and my wife has two OSO's and I still feel compersion. It's not a constant thing, but when I see her happy and feeling good about herself, that's when I get it.
 
I didnt think it was real, but then I saw my bf and gf cuddling asleep and I was overwhelmed by the happiness I felt at that moment.

That they were close and loving and everything seemed perfect in that moment.

I know me and my girlfriend are different lovers, but neither of us is better than the other. There are even positions that my bf loves that he doesnt do with her.

I do feel a little jealous but sometimes its that hes with her, others it that she is with him. I want one or the other and sometimes I cant have the one I want because they are together.
 
I thought I was getting closer to compersion. The three of us even spent a day together and had dinner. I thought if I knew her better and saw her as whole person, not just my BF's GF, I'd feel better about it all. But then she asked him to start lying to me again, because she felt more comfortable if I didn't know, it should just between them, no one else needs to know. And I also heard about some critical comments she made about me. She thinks I am selfish, that I'm just using him, and an unneccessary distraction to him that is keeping from getting his work done and getting ahead. I think the real reason she doesn't want me to know about her is she thinks I will make negative comments about her, and if I don't even know she's seeing him, she doesn't have to worry about that.

So I feel burned by her after attempting to be friennds, and I'm backing up the truck. I told my BF I don't want him to lie to her either, but there's no reason to discuss me with her. I don't want to her know anything more about my personal life, my family, what goes on between my BF and me, whether we're getting along great or not so great. Keep it all separate from now on. If they do start lying to me again, I'm done.
 
cheryl said:
I thought I was getting closer to compersion. The three of us even spent a day together and had dinner. I thought if I knew her better and saw her as whole person, not just my BF's GF, I'd feel better about it all. But then she asked him to start lying to me again, because she felt more comfortable if I didn't know, it should just between them, no one else needs to know. And I also heard about some critical comments she made about me. She thinks I am selfish, that I'm just using him, and an unneccessary distraction to him that is keeping from getting his work done and getting ahead. I think the real reason she doesn't want me to know about her is she thinks I will make negative comments about her, and if I don't even know she's seeing him, she doesn't have to worry about that.

So I feel burned by her after attempting to be friennds, and I'm backing up the truck. I told my BF I don't want him to lie to her either, but there's no reason to discuss me with her. I don't want to her know anything more about my personal life, my family, what goes on between my BF and me, whether we're getting along great or not so great. Keep it all separate from now on. If they do start lying to me again, I'm done.
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Is all of what you heard things that your BF told you? This isn't a good sign. A metamour that is explicitly plotting to weaken the bond is not someone I'd want in my life. It is your BF's decision but this requires a sit down with everyone, all at the same time. There are obviously things that need to be expressed, and in a straightforward fashion.
 
It seems to me the feeling or experience for which the term 'compersion' has been coined is real enough.

I just wish the word didn't come across as so utterly fake. I almost can't bring myself to utter it.

Why coin a new word, when existing words will do? There's the ancient Greek term, philia, which refers to a particular kind of love or affection or just plain old friendship. In particular, it's the desire for the happiness of another person, which works best when it's reciprocal. True friends rejoice in one another's happiness.

(In fact, I'd rather call my current way of thinking about relationships "polyphilia".)

If you don't like using actual words from dead languages, call it affection, compassion, grace, generosity, anything.

Just don't call it 'compersion'.
 
I think compersion is real. With what little experience with poly my wife and I have had, I found myself quite happy at how happy she was with her other relationship. So yeah, I'd say it's real, and it's probably a decent part of why I'm poly.
 
hyperskeptic said:
It seems to me the feeling or experience for which the term 'compersion' has been coined is real enough.

I just wish the word didn't come across as so utterly fake. I almost can't bring myself to utter it.

Why coin a new word, when existing words will do? There's the ancient Greek term, philia, which refers to a particular kind of love or affection or just plain old friendship. In particular, it's the desire for the happiness of another person, which works best when it's reciprocal. True friends rejoice in one another's happiness.

(In fact, I'd rather call my current way of thinking about relationships "polyphilia".)

If you don't like using actual words from dead languages, call it affection, compassion, grace, generosity, anything.

Just don't call it 'compersion'.
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philia is not compersion. It describes brotherly (non-romantic) love between two people. Using "polyphilia" to describe your relationship tendency simply means that you are capable of forming friendships with more than one person at a time. In other words, being a regular, socially functional human being...

Affection means liking someone.
Compassion means feeling awful when someone is suffering and wanting to fix it.
Grace and generosity aren't any kind of emotion.

Compersion is a very specific emotion: the feeling that you are happy about your romantic partner being in love with someone else.

The closest alternative I can think of would be sympathy, which describes being in emotional agreement with another person about the same object. But that's not appropriate, because compersion doesn't mean "I am also in love with your lover."

Empathy is also close, because it does not require you to actually have the same feelings but only to intellectually understand them. But that's still not the same as feeling happy about it, it just means "I understand that you are happy to be in love."

Why call a feeling "jealousy" when we can just say "fear?" Jealousy refers specifically to a fear of loss of something that a person values... You can be jealous when your mom has a new baby because you're scared she won't love you anymore. You can be jealous when your best friend gets married because you're afraid they won't come to drink and watch football with you anymore. You can be jealous when you and a coworker are up for the same promotion and you see him taking the boss out for dinner one night.

That's why you can feel compersion and jealousy at the same time. You can be happy for your partner that they're in love and full of NRE, and at the same time afraid that they'll spend less time with you and forget your birthday.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
philia is not compersion. It describes brotherly (non-romantic) love between two people. Using "polyphilia" to describe your relationship tendency simply means that you are capable of forming friendships with more than one person at a time. In other words, being a regular, socially functional human being...

Affection means liking someone.
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I take my reading of philia from Aristotle, near the end of his Nicomachean Ethics. There are degrees and kinds of philia, for different kinds of relationships and contexts.

The best and most perfect form of philia is genuinely wishing for the other person's happiness . . . even, it would seem to follow, if the other person finds sources of happiness that are not you.

What else could it possibly mean to "like" someone?

SchrodingersCat said:
Compassion means feeling awful when someone is suffering and wanting to fix it.
Grace and generosity aren't any kind of emotion.
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In Aristotelian terms, grace and generosity, like compassion, are virtues, which are habits of responding to emotions with moderation, in a manner that is appropriate for a given circumstance. They are character traits, states of being.

Emotions are too fleeting, too volatile, to be taken as good or bad in themselves . . . or so Aristotle would say.

(Sorry, should have warned you all. I'm a professional philosophy geek.)
 
cheryl said:
But then she asked him to start lying to me again
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Sometimes jealousy is a very appropriate emotion to have in a relationship. Like pain, it can be a warning sign that something is wrong.

If my SO's OSO were saying such things about me, compersion is the last thing I'd be feeling.
 
Jealousy into Compersion?

Husband had his date yesterday afternoon. It went very well. This was with (let's give her a name because it looks like this is going to turn into something) Fawn. They talked for hours, connected really well. She was interested in his life/relationship story. She was open about hers. Which isn't poly and she is single currently but bisexual. Her last partner was a woman. He seemed genuinely happy last night after coming home. Excited, fully of possibilities and confidence. I was full of love and relief that his experience was so positive yet his own. It felt really good.

This is not how I felt much of the time he was on the date. The four hours he wasn't home I felt waves (not huge ones but pangs) of jealousy, self doubt (what the hell am I doing?), and then get a hold of yourself woman this is going to be ok. I know that jealousy is normal, its not to be ashamed of.

Yet, I was surprised by the rush of happy once he walked in the door and was glowing. The jealousy went skittering away and hearing about his date was pleasurable, warm like we were sharing something special. Which we were.

Is this compersion? Does the jealousy still come even though you feel the joy for your partner? I will search this too but just wondering what the current thoughts are.

thanks!
 
i found the discussion on jealousy vs. envy. very enlightening.
 
Yeah, I would say that's what you felt. Compersion is something you kinda do better at with practice. It don't come in an instant for most people. Though some pick up the skill faster than others, and yet there are others that never are able to figure it out at all. I guess it's just like any other skill in life, I suppose!
 
I definitely think the two things can coexist. When he was physically away from you, on the date, it was new and scary, and jealousy thrives on uncertainty and fear. But when you saw him, saw his happiness and knew he was still with you, you felt his love for you and yours for him and knew that him being with someone else wasn't changing that, and compersion thrives on trust and love.
 
Thank you Annabel and RfromRMC. :)

Its clear there is no straight path but I suppose that this is expected as life isn't neat and pretty. Why should this be any different than the rest of existence. When its all shiny and new its hard to remember that its not linear and life is long.
 
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