Compersion Stories?

[Sunshine79]

How long did it take you to get to compersion for your partners on your poly journies? Was it always there? Is it different each time? Any insights on say, experience, time, and compersion in general??

As I'm moving through what has become on ONGOING relationship for my husband (his side girlfriend) and dealing with the myriad of emotions that seem to be ebbing and flowing through it, I am maybe just looking to read some experiences that might help me as I patiently live through the non-compersion I have now, in the hope that it will eventually develop.

 

[zestyzed]

My poly story is pretty new and developing, but when I first felt compersion it was part of a cocktail of powerful emotions that also included feelings of jealousy and feeling left out. I saw how happy being with this other person made my spouse, and I felt really good about that but I also felt sad and scared that it wasn’t because of me she felt that way.

Since then I’ve been able to get jealous feelings under control but feeling left out can sometimes be difficult to manage.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Sunshine,

I have just about always had compersion for my metamour (Brother-Husband) and my partner (Snowbunny), what I'll call slow-burn compersion.

You are probably going to continue to have insecurity, and FOMO, until you start having better luck at dating. Right now your husband has an exciting poly partner, and you don't. Of course you are going to feel jealous of what he has. That's human nature.

I hope things will change for you soon, and that you'll feel the compersion that you desire. In the meantime try to be patient with yourself, and with the situation.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Compersion for me occurs when I either know and like my partner's partner or I can tell that the relationship is healthy and brings more happiness into my partner's life. If there is drama or I can't see what they see in the person then I give myself space and focus on my own stuff. I can make accomodations but maintain firm boundaries. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
JaneQ

 

[Belladonna]

It’s always different for me. It depends on the person and the relationship they have. It can also change throughout the relationship. Sometimes it’s right away and sometimes not. It also depends on how our relationship is at that time. The better we are the more good feelings I feel.

I have had to work on myself a lot over the last few years to work on this. I really didn’t have a high view of myself and until I worked on that things did not go very well. Now if I feel jealous or envy I remind myself of how awesome I am and all the good things I bring to the relationship. My partner has a lot of varied interest and almost all of them are nothing like me. So others would bother me. But now I remind myself he is with me for a reason. Maybe he likes apples and I am a pear. But he also likes pears. I also remind myself I do not own him. I don’t own anyone. I am sharing my time and life with them and them with me. Nothing is owed. It really has helped me view things very differently.

 

[Evie]

I remember when Lance met Jen. I was thrilled for him, right up until she didn't want to know me and he travelled to her but not to me. (She was US, I am NZ, he is UK.) Apparently I was just a bridge too far.

I didn't feel compersion after finding out I'll never be the one he travels to.

They broke up, I wasn't sad for him either, and eventually he started seeing someone else locally. I was indifferent but made some "good on you" noises.

 

[Bobbi]

As I'm moving through what has become on ONGOING relationship for my husband (his side girlfriend) and dealing with the myriad of emotions that seem to be ebbing and flowing through it

You emphasize "ongoing," which suggests you are having trouble with what looks to be a budding long-term relationship. You should work on the feelings that are coming up around this relationship.

You also call her "his side girlfriend." As long as you see her as just some side dish, you won't see her for the complete human that she is, with special qualities, feelings and all that your husband sees in her.

Make her important to you BECAUSE she is important to him. Legitimize their relationship by supporting her being his girlfriend, and not just some side piece. If you haven't met her, do. Try to see what he sees in her, no matter how small.

Some people never feel compersion. It's okay if you never do. But small things can help or hinder the chances.

 

[Magdlyn]

A lot of factors can go into learning to develop compersion. The most important one is your own feelings of self esteem and self worth. If you know you have value and bring that value to your relationship, you know why your partner chooses to be with you every day, why they keep coming back to you.

But there are other factors. It does help if you see your partner choosing good people to be their other partners. It is also important that your partner keeps paying you good attention despite their NRE. If they get lost in someone else and ignore you, you're going to feel insecure and envious. But if they reassure you, and bring you lots of positive attention when it's "your turn," you can just stay in the moment and experience joy when you are together.

Love is infinite. Our culture denies this. We are taught that love equals exclusivity, but it totally exists even when people have multiple partners, whether for casual sex or if it's something more complete and full. Movies, books, church, family, most people you talk to in life or online, etc., teach you that you have to choose one partner, and if you don't, there's either something wrong with you (you're shallow, insincere, immature, sinful, evil), or there's something wrong with your relationship. This is just not true.

I like to think that my two partners are so full of joy and love and caring that I want their good qualities to be spread and shared throughout the world to make it a better place, whether it is with their friends and family, at their jobs, just walking around town in their daily lives, or indeed, with other partners.

 

[Sunshine79]

You emphasize "ongoing," which suggests you are having trouble with what looks to be a budding long-term relationship. You should work on the feelings that are coming up around this relationship.

You also call her "his side girlfriend." As long as you see her as just some side dish, you won't see her for the complete human that she is with special qualities, feelings and all that your husband sees in her.

Make her important to you BECAUSE she is important to him. Legitimize their relationship by supporting her being his girlfriend and not just some side piece. If you haven't met her, do. Try to see what he sees in her, no matter how small.

Some people never feel compersion. It's okay if you never do. But small things can help or hinder the chances.

Oh, this all sounds very hard and triggering, if I'm being honest.

I also own that these feelings are real, and I am letting myself have them. BUT part of me also is ready to label myself as "childish."

I'm working on the self-love and the somatic approach to triggers, which is to LET THE EMOTIONS happen.

And truthfully, it is better every day. But some days are just not awesome and I don't love those days.

 

[Bobbi]

Oh this all sounds very hard and triggering. If I'm being honest. I also own that these feelings are real and I am letting myself have them. BUT part of me also is ready to label myself as "childish." I'm working on the self-love and the somatic approach to triggers, which is to LET THE EMOTIONS happen.

And truthfully, it is better every day. But some days are just not awesome and I don't love those days.

I'm sorry you feel triggered by that. It wasn't my intention. You asked how to feel more compersion and I gave advice on that. But you should know that not everyone feels compersion and that's okay.

Right now, you are working through emotions related to monogamy and monogamous programming. If you can start to untangle all of that, you'll have a much better experience. It's definitely very hard work indeed, and is only worth it if YOU want to be poly. If you are trying to white-knuckle through it so your husband can be poly, I've rarely seen that work. If monogamous is what you are at the core, then no amount of work will make this a happy relationship for you.

Based on other posts, I believe you want this too. You might want to get a poly-friendly counselor to really help you find that place where you can feel uncomfortable AND be okay with that, where working through feelings is uncomfortable, but no longer triggering.

For me, the hardest part is the activation of fight or flight in my body. When my body is freaking out, my mind goes along for the ride, and that ride goes downhill fast. I try to control my mind by recognizing what I feel in my body is my autonomic nervous system perceiving a threat. It's biology, not real. I have to recognize that feeling for what it is, and let my body recover from it without letting my mind convince me that the worst is happening. Once on the other side, I recognize that as true and am thankful I didn't let my mind convince me of all the bad stories it created while it was hijacked.

As you have repeated events that you work through, your body begins to learn that there is no threat, and that autonomic response starts to be less and less, until you no longer get it on a regular basis.

Now, for me, I'm only getting triggered when there is a change in regular behavior or patterns.

 

[Sunshine79]

I'm sorry you feel triggered by that. It wasn't my intention. You asked how to feel more compersion and I gave advice on that. But you should know that not everyone feels compersion and that's okay....

Thank you for all this. I can feel the intention and respect/care behind your words and all of it is really helpful. You nailed it on the fight or flight response in my body and my mind following with the stories. And like, I'm enlightened enough to know this is exactly what is happening, but not skilled enough yet to stop it as quickly as I'd like.

I do believe it is getting better. SLOWLY. Haha. But that is at least something.