Confused with newly discovered feelings

Hello everyone, new here … and quite lost in the new-to-me situation, hence seeking advice or at least a comment from someone with a greater experience that could look at my situation from a different perspective. Please bear in mind that English is not my first language, so my appologies for any flaws in the text below.

My situation is somewhat unusual (at least that is what I think). I am 46 years old and in a very happy marriage with my wife A. (39) for nearly 13 years. We have two wonderful daughters. We have known each other for over 15 years. For the whole life together we were very close to my wife’s sister C. and her family (she has 2 children in a very similair age to ours). During all these years we spent most of the weekends and almost all vacation trips together and always got along very well, basically great deal of all our free time we were together.

Almost three years ago C’s marriage felt apart (in a quite nasty way) and she had a very difficult time. My wife and I helped her quite significantly to get through the process and it seems like she got over it by now. During that time we spent lot more time together, she was staying with her kids in our house, we stayed at her’s from time to time, all without any intimate relation. Actually this is an ongoing scenario. Few times we went on vacation together (two sisters and I), they even made fun of it, that we were regarded as 2+1 family by others and made jokes thay I have two wifes, although nothing intimate happend. Now we are planning another trip in the same manner.

Now comes the difficult part for me. For all theses years I had a very good connection with my wife’s sister (friendly/close but without any intimate connotation, or maybe I did not recognize the growing feeling in me), but when she was happy in her marriage I did not even think to try to get closer with her and probably even considered this „inappropriate”.

In the last few months (or maybe over a year) I started to realize that what I feel is somewhat different, and I could not recognize it (or even denied it). What I finally accepted is that my feelings towards C. are much deeper than I thought. At the same time I still have a great and unique connection with my wife, I love her deeply feel great with her, we share same passions, joke a lot and hardly ever argue about anything, our minds work very much alike to the point that in many aspects we dont even have to use words to know what the other is thinking (maybe except for this situation). Now I find that quite similair connection develops with my SIL. Because all of that I am very afraid to hurt any of them. At first I thought it is very wrong (and tried to push the feeling towards C. away, but the more I tried the more difficult it was, although I tried to hide it the best I could since I thought that she was very vournelable at that time). In terms of my behaviour I did not reveal any of these to neither of the sisters, trying to act as „normal” as possible, despite the fact that things were gradually changing (at least from my perspective) and in the past couple of months C. and I „accidently” touched our hands and exchanged deep looks in our eyes like never before (or maybe I am just imagining things) and that may have given me the wrong impression. My wife saw that few times, but did not react in any way. The reason I did not open to any of them is because I am really afraid, that if I got all the signals wrong I may ruin the whole connection that is between us. At this time I am struggling with my feelings by myself, trying to define them as accurately as possible. Currently there is no sexual aspect that I would be aware of to what I feel towards C. but the best moments are when I am able to spent time with both of them… since most of the time I am close to my wife I find myself longing for moments that I can be close to C. as well…

One very important part to this equation is that C. is my wife’s twin sister, which makes the whole situation even more awkward, although I believe I did not choose how I feel. The fact that they are twins also means that the bond beetween them is stronger that any of them will ever have with me, which makes things even more difficult, since I dont want to jeopardize wellbeing of my family and my children in case that I would not be properly understood (I am really questioning my attitude and actually I feel dishonest to both of them at the moment).

Looking forward to your comments and possibly words of advice.

Best wishes.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello LostInTranslation,

I guess the first thing to do, would be to admit to A that you have feelings for C. Tell A that you don't know whether C returns those feelings. Also reassure A that you have feelings for both of them, it isn't just C. Tell A that you have been learning about polyamory, and wonder if that might be something that would work for the three of you.

There is a risk to having this kind of discussion with A. There's a chance she could react badly (and be hurt). But what's your other option? Do you continue to hide your feelings from (both) A (and C)? From your description, it sounds like you feel like you're being dishonest with them.

On the other hand, if A reacts reasonably well to your confession, then maybe A would also agree to a three-person discussion (you, A, and C), in which you confess your feelings to C, and that you would like to try a polyamorous situation if C feels the same for you. Again there is a risk to saying these things to C, what if she freaks out or something? but again, your alternative is to keep hiding your feelings from C, which feels like dishonesty to you.

I guess what I'm saying is, you should handle the situation, and the conversations, very delicately; nonetheless you should have the conversations. You want to have very honest relationships with A and C, and this would be a part of that.

Good luck, and keep us posted,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

3908

Member
Lostintranslation,

welcome to the group. as I am reading what you write, I am cheering for you to be successful with A and C.
I agree with Kevin, to approach A first.
even if A freaks out, give her time to sort out her emotions, then bring up again. being A and C are twins being very close, perhaps if A becomes receptive, maybe A being ok with it, would give you some points with C.

when I first mentioned my poly awareness to my wife 2 years ago (married in 2014 years, together since 2010), she very much freaked out. yelled at me, threatened divorce, and some other things, but as time has continued, she has relaxed some.

I even did the work within me to be ok with her having her own boyfriend, but she says this as hurtful, we disagree on that. even today, I would not mind her with another man, she will never leave me and i will never leave her nomatter what.

for maybe the last 6 months we are able to talk casually about poly, she is still against it. but of recent she is relaxing a little further, as I mention in my other post from yesterday.


please keep us updated on how this unfolds, I hope it goes well for you :)
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Welcome.

It sounds your wife's twin sister had a nasty divorce. And as a result of twin sister hanging around you and wife more often, you developed a crush on her. It happens. Noticing attractive people? It is not the end of the world. Just because you are married doesn't mean you are blind.

What's your desired outcome though?

At first I thought it is very wrong (and tried to push the feeling towards C. away, but the more I tried the more difficult it was, although I tried to hide it the best I could since I thought that she was very vournelable at that time). In terms of my behaviour I did not reveal any of these to neither of the sisters, trying to act as „normal” as possible, despite the fact that things were gradually changing (at least from my perspective) and in the past couple of months C. and I „accidently” touched our hands and exchanged deep looks in our eyes like never before (or maybe I am just imagining things) and that may have given me the wrong impression. My wife saw that few times, but did not react in any way. The reason I did not open to any of them is because I am really afraid, that if I got all the signals wrong I may ruin the whole connection that is between us. At this time I am struggling with my feelings by myself, trying to define them as accurately as possible.

It sounds like maybe you want to say nothing for now and maybe talk to a poly counselor to get your thoughts in order? It kind of sounds like you want to figure out a way to let these feelings for the sister fade? If so, you may have to let more time pass and figure out what else you need in order to do that letting go.

If you think you want to pursue... I would encourage you NOT to.

Poly can be hard enough without it being a V with your wife's twin sister. You seem to recognize it.

The fact that they are twins also means that the bond beetween them is stronger that any of them will ever have with me, which makes things even more difficult, since I dont want to jeopardize wellbeing of my family and my children in case that I would not be properly understood (I am really questioning my attitude and actually I feel dishonest to both of them at the moment).

Some people are on the "messy list" for a reason -- your boss, coworkers, parents, siblings, best friend. roommate, etc. Because taking up with them would get too weird or messy if things go wrong. It's like playing with fire.

I'd put a twin sister on that list.

Galagirl
 
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Token2

Member
My original thought was

Acting on any of this is a bad idea
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Let's call them Alice (wife) and Cathy (sister in law).

It's natural that you love Cathy. She looks just like Alice. They look alike. And they think alike. You also have many similar thoughts and desires in common with both women.

Another reason you are developing deep love for Cathy is that she spends lots and lots of time with you. And you've shared good times and bad. You've seen her at her most vulnerable. Perhaps she's seen you vulnerable too. And your children are more like siblings than cousins, as well.

When you spend a lot of time with someone like that, bonds can develop. It's partly a personality match, of course. But nature has designed pheromones and hormones which also come into play. These biological elements can make you get a crush, develop a sweet obsession, "fall in love."

If there is no strong urge on your part to have sex with Carol, you should probably keep things as is, and not make any big declarations to either woman. Think of Carol's situation. If you wanted to start "dating" her, and having sex, she'd be even more like a wife. Maybe as a twin, she would rather just live with her sister and her sister's nice husband forever. But on the other hand, maybe now that she's been single and is over her messy divorce, she should start dating on her own again.

Here is my personal story.
My grandmother was an identical twin. Her sister got married when they were in their 20s, and a year later my grandmother got married too, to a guy with almost the same name as her sister's husband! (Same first name, and very similar last names.) When her sister's, my great aunt's, husband died rather young (in his 40s), she never remarried. (She never had children. My grandmother just had one son, my dad.)

The twins each had their own houses, a couple of blocks apart. My great aunt spent a lot of time with my grandmother, but I never sensed any chemistry between her and my grandfather. (In fact, I hardly sensed chemistry between my grandmother and grandfather. haha.)

The sisterly relationship was primary and primal. They almost always dressed alike. When we would visit, my great aunt would sleep at her own house, but she'd come over in the morning somehow wearing almost the same outfit my grandmother was wearing, without consulting with each other.

When my grandfather died in his 60s, my great aunt basically moved in with my grandmother. They would share dinner and sleep in the same bed. But my great aunt kept her house, and all her things, and would still go back and forth there!

Back to you: maybe Carol has no desire to ever date or remarry. Maybe she is content to be close to you and her twin, and the kids you all share. Knowing how my twins related, I see this as very likely. But I'd be ever so wary of rocking the boat by coming right out and saying you're in love with Carol. If I were you, I'd mention to Alice from time to time that you love Carol, as a sister! You could comment on her positively in other ways, to show you think she's awesome. But going full on into polyamory, with a full sexual element, could ruin everything.

Have you done much reading about identical twins? (I don't mean erotica where a man really does go to bed with a pair of twins!) I mean, actual real-life twins, how they relate, how they navigate romantic relationships despite their eerie closeness. That might give you some peace. There might even be offshoot groups of partners/spouses of twins, and how they feel and operate within the close twin relationship. You could look around on Facebook for these kinds of groups.
 
Dear All,

Thank you for a very in depth evaluation of my situation. I have read carefully through your words of advice and as much as I do not want to I have to agree with most if them.

Indeed I might need some time to figure out what is the essence of what I feel. As mentioned earlier I have quite strong feelings for both sisters, but the outcome of sharing with any is totally unpredictive and potentially might lead to a huge turbulence in the family. This is unacceptable to me if my children, wife or SIL would have difficult time just because I could not control what I was doing.

What I think is that it would be quite selfish of me to throw at them what I just discovered without giving it a deeper thought (that is basically why I decided to post my story here).

The more I think about it, the more I realise it would be extremely hard to find a way for this to work even if they would be open to it.

Most likely since I was the only man who was around my SIL in her most difficult days she might have developed some attraction towards me as her “only option” at the time that resulted in our “deeper” connection, or I got all the signals wrong and simply went after my imagination.

Actually what I am also very afraid of is that C will get hurt again by someone (including mysel if things would be handeled wrong).

Sometime ago I told her to be very careful with people for I could not stand that she would be hurt again. During one of our conversations she said that she likes our „inner circle” and might be happier without looking out for anyone new. So if this “continues” between us I now think it would be healthier for us to keep some distance and this would require quite a lot of self discipline from me (since my attraction towards her tends to grow).

So what Galagirl suggested, I will probably keep it to myself (poly counselor is most likely impossible to find in my part of the world) and see what „unfolds”.

Yesterday when we all met I found that C. keeps looking for our eye contact, which I did not encourage.

Nevertheless I now think that it was quite natural that I developed deeper emotional feelings for my SIL since even my wife told me once that I would have to accept „two for the price of one” and that whether I like it or not her sister will be playing a significant part in our lifes (I just did not expect that it will be that much for me).

So in an essence I dont think I want this feeling toward C. to fade, nor I dont think it would be easy. For now it is not essential for me that we develop any more intimate relation (or ever).

Magdalyn, thank you for in-depth analysys of the situation and sharing your family history. Indeed I can relate to the special bond that is between them as twins, hence I am aware of the fact that their relationship is primary (this is the underlying reason for doubts that I have).

And yes, I have done some research on the subject of twins. There are few more angles to the situation, one of them is that I am an ObGyn with PhD in genetics - and as such I was somehow involved in all family pregnancies - of course in a strictly professional way, so please do not get me wrong - I am very strict in having a clear line between profession and private life and definitely not using it to exploit the situation.

The condition I am trying to deal with is strictly emotional with no physical angle, at least not that I am aware of.
As I was reading your advices I think that my desired outcome for now would be that we do not change our current „status quo”. If I somehow find out that they both have feelings towards me, it is only than I will try to look for the solution, so maybe it would be better to leave the first step to them if anything is to change. It is more possible that they would be open to themselves. I care too much for both of them to do anything wrong.
If it is just me that would be suffering than this is the price to pay.

Hard to find a “win-win” solution here at this moment.
 

3908

Member
I appreciate your update. although I am not in your exact circumstances, I feel a strong vibe for your environment.

If she is seeking the eye contact from you, maybe that is an indication she would not object to at least a conversation.

perhaps a conversation about yourself, recognizing that you may be poly, that way you don't have to say you are interested in C.
 
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