Hey everyone, I really hope someone sees this and is able to give me some advice. I have been in a serious and exclusive relationship for over three years now, but I think I want to try having an open relationship. I have never really dated around and I'm in college right now and want to try it. I want to meet a bunch of people and go on dates and have casual sex. I feel like I need a time in my life where I can explore and do that.
It's ok to be young and want to have more life experiences. College age / young adulthood is good for that. So go date who you want. Be up front with people and use safer sex practices, birth control, and keep up with your health check ups and labs.
It's not like there's only "angel" or "whore" you know. You can be discerning about who you want to date.
Skip the sketchy or unhealthy people. You don't have to sex up EVERYONE on the campus. There's plenty of decent, healthy young people out there wanting to date lots of people and share healthy sex without complications or entanglements.
The problem is, my boyfriend really really doesn't want an open relationship. I love him so much and we really are a great couple, our relationship has always been very healthy. Neither of us want to split up but I can't ignore how badly I want to talk to other people, even if just for a little while.
Then the season for this relationship has come to an end. It's sad to break up, but it is also part of dating. Some people don't even get a first date. Some first dates don't go much past that. Those that do and seem initially compatible? Are not deeply compatible. Or maybe they grow in different directions or apart. That's the POINT of dating. To find the compatible ones.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting to explore open relationships while young and relatively unencumbered. Just can't do that with this partner. And there's nothing wrong with him wanting monogamy or a closed relationship. Just can't do that with you. You both sound like you want
opposite things.
And it's
good you discovered that so early and while young. It's been a successful relationship and you have enjoyed the time together, right? It's just that this one is not a life long romance.
He says it would hurt him too badly though to know that I was seeing other people. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to have to choose between him and other people, I want both. I really don't know what to do....
I think you know somewhere inside that the right thing to do is to part ways. Kindly, peacefully. But to let go. It's ok to be sad, to be grieving. Maybe you aren't at "final acceptance" stage of grief. And still in the "bargaining" stage of grief trying to figure out how to have both.
But he's basically saying "No. I don't want open relationship." And if you do want that? That's it then.
Sometimes breaking up gently is the last loving act one can do. Because if he loves you, he wouldn't want you bottling yourself up and not living authentically. And if you love him, you wouldn't want to drag him through stuff he doesn't really want to be doing.
Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. There has to be other things for DEEP compatibility.
If you both are young adults, this might be the first break up ever for a serious relationship, or one of the firsts. And it makes it a bit harder because you don't know how to do it well or how to look after yourself after a break up. I sympathize. Yet there's no point in banging heads on wall, dragging it out longer than it needs to be. Better to linger in the healing space than in the breaking up space. YKWIM?
Hopefully in time you both feel better and can move on to date more compatible people for what you each are seeking in life.
Galagirl