Evie:
It sounds to me like you've both detached from the cultural norm of the monogamy narrative of ownership of one's spouse.
He's stopped asking any kind of permission for anything at all, which is actually quite healthy so long as he's not trampling your feelings left, right and centre. Admittedly, it sounds from your intro and blog that there's been a bit of trampling, but you're both in the early days and the new normal hasn't settled in yet.
And you've stopped (are stopping) seeing him as a husband in the monogamous sense. You've detached from the notion of exclusivity as the defining characteristic of a relationship. It's a huge mind shift. Especially when he comes home wearing the evidence on his skin. Of course you have to detach from that.
This has been the hardest part. I am still working to think about him as not being my husband, but a very close friend. To me, the concept of 'husband' includes the usual baggage of 'ownership'. De-escalation was my original pitch to him, and he went ballistic. An aside, your reference to the biter is definitely in keeping with my boundary regarding DAG and potential bruises from sex with Bruiser. I pitched this boundry to DAG, and again, he went ballistic. He previously told Bruiser that bruising crossed a hard line, and would not be tolerated. DAG then asked why I couldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. I told him 'Accidents happen'. He then said 'How will you know if the bruise is from sex or life in general. Am I supposed to cover up all bruises?' No, I'll try and avoid looking at them.
Galagirl:
Why talk to him so much about it?
I mean, he wants to have anything on the table. And you are expected to accept it. Ok. Well... Can't you have same? Anything is on the table? Included stepping back a bit?
Why's he getting upset over that?
At least you recognize that his his upset and not yours to manage.
I talk to him so much about it, because he needs reminding that I have done this. He seems to forget that I've had a major shift in how I approach and deal with our relationship. Weird, you'd think he'd remember something major like a seismic shift in our relationship. He seems to remember 'I do what I want' just fine.
Can't it be both? That you made a change in perspective about your relationship with DAG. Changed some expectations. And put in some healthy boundaries and some emotional detachment so you aren't all up in his stuff.
I have been round and round on this point, and I've decided that yes, it can be both. The feedback on this thread has been very helpful, in that I now know some basic differences between detachment, and changing perspectives. So I have no problem with including the two in my emotions toolbox (lol, phrasing).
If that works out better? You can suggest it.
DAG is either up for it or not up for it. And you go from there.
But you have to stop bending yourself around DAG wants and DAG stuff. You have to do what serves YOUR well being.
It sounds like you are learning to do that.
This is something else I have been working on. Should I be open, and tell DAG this is something I am proposing, or not tell him and do it anyway in my head? I am not sure if he'd notice the difference. I have read posts on here from people who are totally honest with their partners. From this lifestyle, I am learning (at least for me) that full-on honesty is the best approach. Lying by omission doesn't seem to be too healthy. I am learning to deal with what DAGs wants. I have a couple of other boundaries that deal with his obsession about decorating our house. Interestingly enough, he respects those boundaries.
Are you "putting up emotional walls" to be safe in this relationship? Because DAG does whatever he wants now? And some of what he does dings you?
Or is it having more personal boundaries and being a bit more detached about his emotions?
Like if he makes some behavior choices that lead to him feeling upset? Well, that's his upset to manage. It's not yours to fix. It doesn't mean you don't care. It does mean that you can take a step back and don't have to be the one to fix it for him. Or make the next choices so new feelings can ensue for him.
I think having personal boundaries is healthy.
But if you are putting up walls... well, that's something else. Maybe sort some of this out with the counselor.
I've had walls in the past, and have been tearing them down. I don't consider this particular effort wall building, but letting go and implementing what FallenAngelina calls 'loving detachment' (thanks! that seems to fit the bill). It's not that I don't care, I'm trying to not let it bother me. Perfect example was last night. We have a friend from out of town who is staying with us for a few days. He is interested in us individually, and we are interested in him. So last night, relaxing after dinner, Onyx, DAG and I were on the couch. DAG and Onyx started cuddling and lightly making out. I was not bothered by their behavior. Actually, I was too tired to engage with them, and went to bed instead. They went up to Onyx's bedroom, and made out for a bit (evidently no sex), before DAG came to bed and cuddled with me. Again, I was not upset. I let it roll off of me, because I was expecting that behavior, even though it wasn't spoken or acknowledged. I was...detached. It was glorious!!
Is your mental health going south from staying in this relationship? That's something to tell counselor too.
You almost sound like you are trying to plain SURVIVE the relationship, rather than thriving in it.
This is the first time in almost a year that I feel like I am in a good place with this poly lifestyle, and can thrive in it. A year ago, I was angry at myself for not fully comprehending what DAG was telling me about his wants, I was envious of the love that DAG was showing Bruiser (fucking NRE), I was confused as to how that relationship got very serious, very quickly (in just a few days). Frustrated with DAG and his matter of fact approach to our relationship (I take his demeanor as 'you need to get over it, because that's the way it is for me'. He acknowledges that demeanor can be an issue with other people. No shit, really?). Also frustrated with his lack of consideration for others in his sexual exploits (a 17 year relationship with a close friend of his was ruined because of that lack).
With loving detachment/de-escalating I have been much better equipped to deal with his wants. Also, I know this doesn't involve me, but it definitely affects me, is his relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs. They are strained at best. A 180 degree change from two or three months ago. Since they have distanced themselves from him, I feel like I can move forward from here, and leave the past behind. I should have been able to do that, no matter the status of their relationships. I tried, but I would pull myself back into the morass of anger, hate, envy and confusion. My thoughts toward Bruiser were really holding me back. I consider him to be a Svengali. He was singing the song of 'I do what I want', which DAG was eager to hear, and immediately pursued. I felt left behind. Also, in developing better comprehension skills (plus DAG lets me know what's going on, and asks me to repeat back what he said, so he knows I understand what's going on), I feel better equipped to deal with any future relationships DAG cultivates, especially if they head into a romantic/sexual direction, again because I know with DAG 'I do what I want' encompasses EVERYTHING he wants to do, and I am already detached from the sexual aspect of his wants.
As far as the counselor is concerned, they are working with me on my anger issues (remaining land mines from the beginning of this experience crop up when least expected, and I am still learning how to identify those, and deal with them before they explode). She's also taken DAG to task in exploring 'I do what I want' without a tether line.
I know that's a lot to read, and I really appreciate the time everyone took to respond to my questions, and provide some very thoughtful feedback. You guys are wonderful!!
Feel free to follow up, I'd love to continue this conversation. Or if you like, you can post on my rolling blog on this site.