Beepsqueak
New member
I know my husband occasionally uses this site to vent. I had the misfortune of running across it. I will be leaving after this post so he still has a community to support him, but I feel our situation has been misrepresented and can’t leave it as it is.
It won’t be hard to tell who we are. Some have put the dots together already. Maybe this is messy, but I guess that’s just how my life is now. (My original post had some timeline changes to try to keep some semblance of anonymity, but I suppose that’s out the window.)
My husband and I married in 2011 and had a child together. We now have a platonic, open marriage. Our marriage opened because my husband suggested it two years ago, when I told him I was curious about open marriages and polyamory. We had a happy marriage, but I was curious what relationships with other people could be like, since my husband was the only person I’d ever dated or had a relationship with.
We did not open the marriage to save it. I would never have pursued anything had he even hinted he was not okay with it. I checked multiple times and always got the green light.
Even after we opened, I wasn’t actively looking for a partner. It was just nice to know that if a situation developed organically, I could maybe try it out. I actually thought it would never happen, and I was okay with that, because meeting new people is kinda scary for me.
My husband had said he wanted to know the person I’d date, even though I thought that could be hard for him. I told him as much, but he was sure about it. 6 months ago I fell in love with our mutual friend. My husband said he was rooting for me. I would not have pursued our friend had he said ANYTHING against it. Again, it was only green lights.
We moved in with our friend 4 months ago because we had already been planning to do so before a romantic relationship started, despite me worrying it was too soon. I wanted to wait and see how it played out, but both my husband and my boyfriend were adamant about wanting to move in to the same house. I would not have done this if they had not wanted to. I wish I would have pushed harder against it, since it seems to wear on my husband more than he thought it would. He is very optimistic.
My husband and I took a break from having sex a month ago because he suggested it. He wanted to try having other sexual partners. I agreed, but limited the break to a month instead of a hard stop, as I know how important sex is to him. I would not have taken this break had he not suggested it. He said he was sure it was what he wanted and thought it would be a relief to me.
Why a relief? My husband and I have always been sexually incompatible. Sex was the only answer to any problem he had. Stressed? Sex. Bad day? Sex. Sad? Sex. Whether I was in the mood or not, whether or not we’d just had it the day before. It was a NEED, he said, the only way he felt loved and valued, no matter what else I did. I loved him, so I had the sex.
This led to years of me feeling used and like sex was the only thing he cared about. We had some conversations about it, and it got a little better over the years, but I didn’t realize this or how distant I had become because of the anxiety it caused until our break. I thought there was just something wrong with me for not wanting sex as often, or sometimes pulling away involuntarily when he’d touch me. Turns out it was a trauma response. I know he never intended to hurt me. He is very kind. I had been able to rationalize it all as some sort of misguided love until now.
Three weeks into our break, my husband apologized for the years of abuse, having only now realized it himself during therapy. I cried. I didn’t know it was abuse until he said the word. He asked how I felt about him and said to answer honestly. I told my husband I realized I was no longer romantically or sexually attracted to him. It was a confusing and hard realization for me. I felt betrayed by myself for not knowing my feelings had changed until being forced to look them in the face. My husband said he understood and still wanted to have a relationship, just platonic.
To me, this sounded like the end of our marriage.
To him, it seemed like the beginning of something new.
My husband is optimistic and tends to take big leaps, expecting to fly and then falling hard when things turn out to be different than he expects. I try to mitigate this by asking a lot of questions, suggesting different possible outcomes, and checking in multiple times before changes are made. I love him, but this has often caused problems in our marriage, because it can be seen as me bringing him down.
I’m not a huge fan of change and am also extremely realistic. I have always thought of all the ways this could go wrong and have tried to have conversations about it, preparing for hard eventualities so none of us are blindsided. I care so much for my partners and have done everything within my power to help them with all the transitions.
We said in the beginning of opening our marriage that we’d need to be able to trust each other or it wouldn’t work. I trusted him when he said he was okay with these things. Perhaps I should have known better. But if I can’t trust my own husband, then what am I supposed to do?
As an aside, people seem to jump to assuming I am lost in NRE and my poor husband has been forgotten. I have never, for a moment, allowed myself to be swallowed by NRE, or even let myself enjoy it, because of how distraught my husband has been. How can I feel happy when someone I love is sad?
I never allowed myself to feel distant, even during the times he was cold or pulled away from me. I told myself this was the price I pay for turning our life upside down. I have always been there to reassure my husband, even when I felt the ground crumbling under my feet, because he could decide to just leave me and I have to be okay with that. Even when I was exhausted and feeling spread too thin, I made sure he knew I was dedicated and would give him my time and attention because he’s important and worth it to me. It’s more important to me than my health that he knows that.
I have limited myself at every turn, trying to balance things and make sure everyone feels loved and cared for. It apparently has not been enough. I still have to live my life and maintain my relationships whether one partner is feeling sad or not. I wish I could be two people at once, and that is what I tried to do for so long, but it is not sustainable.
I have done all that my husband’s asked of me and double-checked with every request I had of him to make sure he’d be okay with it. I don’t know what else I can do for him in this situation that he insists, and has insisted from the beginning, that he wants to be in.
He WANTS me to be with my boyfriend.
He WANTS me to have good sexual experiences.
He WANTS to stay married to me and live in this house, all of us together.
I know vent posts are written in times of distress. It’s a healthy part of processing and can be very helpful in some instances. I am not upset at him for this. I just kindly ask that people attempting to advise remember that there is always much more context than is offered in one blip of emotion.
My husband and boyfriend have greatly improved their relationship since this all began. Things have gotten much easier for all of us as we work together to figure them out. I am not flaunting my new relationship in front of anyone. My husband is not being replaced. I am not some dishonest woman that lied about my feelings and is kicking him out of his own house or whatever the hell people were suggesting.
If I sound defensive, it’s because I am. I am used to being seen through the monogamous lens as a villain in this relationship dynamic, but I didn’t think I would be met with that here.
Thank you for the advice that was given to me on my original post. The articles and threads on this site were very helpful in my time of confusion and discovery. I hope that it continues to be a place of help to my husband and anyone else looking for advice and empathy.
It won’t be hard to tell who we are. Some have put the dots together already. Maybe this is messy, but I guess that’s just how my life is now. (My original post had some timeline changes to try to keep some semblance of anonymity, but I suppose that’s out the window.)
My husband and I married in 2011 and had a child together. We now have a platonic, open marriage. Our marriage opened because my husband suggested it two years ago, when I told him I was curious about open marriages and polyamory. We had a happy marriage, but I was curious what relationships with other people could be like, since my husband was the only person I’d ever dated or had a relationship with.
We did not open the marriage to save it. I would never have pursued anything had he even hinted he was not okay with it. I checked multiple times and always got the green light.
Even after we opened, I wasn’t actively looking for a partner. It was just nice to know that if a situation developed organically, I could maybe try it out. I actually thought it would never happen, and I was okay with that, because meeting new people is kinda scary for me.
My husband had said he wanted to know the person I’d date, even though I thought that could be hard for him. I told him as much, but he was sure about it. 6 months ago I fell in love with our mutual friend. My husband said he was rooting for me. I would not have pursued our friend had he said ANYTHING against it. Again, it was only green lights.
We moved in with our friend 4 months ago because we had already been planning to do so before a romantic relationship started, despite me worrying it was too soon. I wanted to wait and see how it played out, but both my husband and my boyfriend were adamant about wanting to move in to the same house. I would not have done this if they had not wanted to. I wish I would have pushed harder against it, since it seems to wear on my husband more than he thought it would. He is very optimistic.
My husband and I took a break from having sex a month ago because he suggested it. He wanted to try having other sexual partners. I agreed, but limited the break to a month instead of a hard stop, as I know how important sex is to him. I would not have taken this break had he not suggested it. He said he was sure it was what he wanted and thought it would be a relief to me.
Why a relief? My husband and I have always been sexually incompatible. Sex was the only answer to any problem he had. Stressed? Sex. Bad day? Sex. Sad? Sex. Whether I was in the mood or not, whether or not we’d just had it the day before. It was a NEED, he said, the only way he felt loved and valued, no matter what else I did. I loved him, so I had the sex.
This led to years of me feeling used and like sex was the only thing he cared about. We had some conversations about it, and it got a little better over the years, but I didn’t realize this or how distant I had become because of the anxiety it caused until our break. I thought there was just something wrong with me for not wanting sex as often, or sometimes pulling away involuntarily when he’d touch me. Turns out it was a trauma response. I know he never intended to hurt me. He is very kind. I had been able to rationalize it all as some sort of misguided love until now.
Three weeks into our break, my husband apologized for the years of abuse, having only now realized it himself during therapy. I cried. I didn’t know it was abuse until he said the word. He asked how I felt about him and said to answer honestly. I told my husband I realized I was no longer romantically or sexually attracted to him. It was a confusing and hard realization for me. I felt betrayed by myself for not knowing my feelings had changed until being forced to look them in the face. My husband said he understood and still wanted to have a relationship, just platonic.
To me, this sounded like the end of our marriage.
To him, it seemed like the beginning of something new.
My husband is optimistic and tends to take big leaps, expecting to fly and then falling hard when things turn out to be different than he expects. I try to mitigate this by asking a lot of questions, suggesting different possible outcomes, and checking in multiple times before changes are made. I love him, but this has often caused problems in our marriage, because it can be seen as me bringing him down.
I’m not a huge fan of change and am also extremely realistic. I have always thought of all the ways this could go wrong and have tried to have conversations about it, preparing for hard eventualities so none of us are blindsided. I care so much for my partners and have done everything within my power to help them with all the transitions.
We said in the beginning of opening our marriage that we’d need to be able to trust each other or it wouldn’t work. I trusted him when he said he was okay with these things. Perhaps I should have known better. But if I can’t trust my own husband, then what am I supposed to do?
As an aside, people seem to jump to assuming I am lost in NRE and my poor husband has been forgotten. I have never, for a moment, allowed myself to be swallowed by NRE, or even let myself enjoy it, because of how distraught my husband has been. How can I feel happy when someone I love is sad?
I never allowed myself to feel distant, even during the times he was cold or pulled away from me. I told myself this was the price I pay for turning our life upside down. I have always been there to reassure my husband, even when I felt the ground crumbling under my feet, because he could decide to just leave me and I have to be okay with that. Even when I was exhausted and feeling spread too thin, I made sure he knew I was dedicated and would give him my time and attention because he’s important and worth it to me. It’s more important to me than my health that he knows that.
I have limited myself at every turn, trying to balance things and make sure everyone feels loved and cared for. It apparently has not been enough. I still have to live my life and maintain my relationships whether one partner is feeling sad or not. I wish I could be two people at once, and that is what I tried to do for so long, but it is not sustainable.
I have done all that my husband’s asked of me and double-checked with every request I had of him to make sure he’d be okay with it. I don’t know what else I can do for him in this situation that he insists, and has insisted from the beginning, that he wants to be in.
He WANTS me to be with my boyfriend.
He WANTS me to have good sexual experiences.
He WANTS to stay married to me and live in this house, all of us together.
I know vent posts are written in times of distress. It’s a healthy part of processing and can be very helpful in some instances. I am not upset at him for this. I just kindly ask that people attempting to advise remember that there is always much more context than is offered in one blip of emotion.
My husband and boyfriend have greatly improved their relationship since this all began. Things have gotten much easier for all of us as we work together to figure them out. I am not flaunting my new relationship in front of anyone. My husband is not being replaced. I am not some dishonest woman that lied about my feelings and is kicking him out of his own house or whatever the hell people were suggesting.
If I sound defensive, it’s because I am. I am used to being seen through the monogamous lens as a villain in this relationship dynamic, but I didn’t think I would be met with that here.
Thank you for the advice that was given to me on my original post. The articles and threads on this site were very helpful in my time of confusion and discovery. I hope that it continues to be a place of help to my husband and anyone else looking for advice and empathy.
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