They have sex and I suffer

anonCJ

New member
Hey, I'm hurting and a lot of this may just be my feelings spilling out but I need advice or to vent or something.

[mod edit] First thread, for background: https://polyamory.com/threads/new-here-and-trying.157337/

My wife of many years and her boyfriend of 6 months are living in the same house and just living their life and I'm happy for them but also she and I are less close than we used to be. For a long time I have felt like the spark had good from our love life and she was just going through the motions. We recently, last month, decide to not be intimate with each other and stop pretending like that flame has gone out. It was a relief to just be honest and genuine with each other, but I also still crave that closeness and intimacy. I'm starting to date and find someone to share that with, but in the meantime we've decided that there's so much of value between us that we don't want to end our relationship. The problem is that it hurts me to know that her and her bf are growing closer and being intimate and I'm one bedroom away. I don't ever hear anything but I know when they pass my door heading to shower together that he gets to share something with her that I've lost, possibly forever. My logic brain says, it's ok, she's living her life, they deserve to enjoy each other, and I'm okay with it, logically. My heart just screams and pushes me to get as far away as possible and I'm caught in the flight response.
Anyone have any advice?
I want to keep my relationship with her. I want her to keep her relationship with him. I'm usually in knowing that or relationships are different and both fulfilling, in different ways. But the loss of intimacy is still pretty fresh and painful and I'm hoping will diminish over time.
Sorry for the rant...
 
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Hey, I'm hurting and a lot of this may just be my feelings spilling out, but I need advice or to vent or something.
My wife of many years and her boyfriend of 6 months are living in the same house and just living their life
So her bf of only six months moved into YOUR house already? Why did you consent to it? You could change things and have him move back out again. Deciding to live together, even if a person is single, should not be attempted before a year or more has gone by.
I'm happy for them, but also she and I are less close than we used to be. For a long time I have felt like the spark had good from our love life and she was just going through the motions. We recently, last month, decide to not be intimate with each other and stop pretending like that flame has gone out. It was a relief to just be honest and genuine with each other.
Okay, so you've become platonic partners and have decided to go your own ways, sexually. Are you yourself poly? Are you monoamorous? Can you not consider dating others as long as you love your wife, even if you do not desire her sexually anymore? How long have you two been together?


but I also still crave that closeness and intimacy. I'm starting to date and find someone to share that with, but in the meantime we've decided that there's so much of value between us that we don't want to end our relationship.
That's fine. There is no reason to stop being friends. It sounds like you two are transitioning to "exes who are friends." The problem is, she's moved on, and you haven't yet.
The problem is that it hurts me to know that her and her bf are growing closer and being intimate and I'm one bedroom away. I don't ever hear anything but I know when they pass my door heading to shower together that he gets to share something with her that I've lost, possibly forever. My logic brain says, it's ok, she's living her life, they deserve to enjoy each other, and I'm okay with it, logically. My heart just screams and pushes me to get as far away as possible and I'm caught in the flight response.
Move out. Fly away. Be friends with her from a distance. Or (as I said) have bf move out, if it's your house and you love it and want to keep it, and can afford to. Divorce your wife. She can be his partner, go live with him, or live with you and visit him. Perhaps you have kids and want to keep the house as a stable environment for them.
Anyone have any advice?
I want to keep my relationship with her. I want her to keep her relationship with him. I'm usually in knowing that or relationships are different and both fulfilling, in different ways. But the loss of intimacy is still pretty fresh and painful and I'm hoping will diminish over time.
Sorry for the rant...
Rant away! That's what we're here for. Hopefully writing this out has helped some.

Your pain at the transition from lovers to friends is too fresh to have bf there, in YOUR house, heading to the shower or bedroom with YOUR wife. Consider separating, if not divorcing. You can stay good friends, if she is still invested in you the way you're invested in her.

I am sorry you're missing the touch factor. That sounds very painful. It sounds like she lost desire for you, but not actually vice versa?
 
Hey, I'm hurting and a lot of this may just be my feelings spilling out but I need advice or to vent or something.
Hi anonCJ, welcome.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
My wife of many years and her boyfriend of 6 months are living in the same house and just living their life and I'm happy for them but also she and I are less close than we used to be.
Why are they living together so soon?
Wife seems to be in the throes of NRE, usually it is better not to make big decisions what it has toned down.

For a long time I have felt like the spark had good from our love life and she was just going through the motions
Opening up a relationship/polyamory to salve another a relationship is never the solution.

.We recently, last month, decide to not be intimate with each other and stop pretending like that flame has gone out.
So platonic friends. Do you have kids? Co-parenting in the same house?
it was a relief to just be honest and genuine with each other, but I also still crave that closeness and intimacy
That's okay that you want that for yourself too, but there is no need to bring it into YOUR home. And neither is your wife. You can still be platonic friends and date separately for a while.
.I'm starting to date and find someone to share that with, but in the meantime we've decided that there's so much of value between us that we don't want to end our relationship.
Again. What's the value? Do you have kids? Business? Are you working together to keep the marriage alive as platonic friends?

The problem is that it hurts me to know that her and her bf are growing closer and being intimate and I'm one bedroom away.
Doesn't he have his own place? Why is the BF always there? They can go get a hotel or whatever.
my heart just screams and pushes me to get as far away as possible and I'm caught in the flight response.
If you don't want to be there, then don't. Either tell them to go away out of your house or separate.

Anyone have any advice?
I want to keep my relationship with her. I want her to keep her relationship with him. I'm usually in knowing that or relationships are different and both fulfilling, in different ways. But the loss of intimacy is still pretty fresh and painful and I'm hoping will diminish over time.
Sorry for the rant...
That's okay. You feel suddenly displaced. You could ask your Wife to tone it down, ask BF to get his own place and do scheduled dating.
 
Hi anonCJ, welcome.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

Why are they living together so soon?
Wife seems to be in the throes of NRE, usually it is better not to make big decisions what it has toned down.

Opening up a relationship/polyamory to salve another a relationship is never the solution.

So platonic friends. Do you have kids? Co-parenting in the same house?

That's okay that you want that for yourself too, but there is no need to bring it into YOUR home. And neither is your wife. You can still be platonic friends and date separately for a while.

Again. What's the value? Do you have kids? Business? Are you working together to keep the marriage alive as platonic friends?

Doesn't he have his own place? Why is the BF always there? They can go get a hotel or whatever.

If you don't want to be there, then don't. Either tell them to go away out of your house or separate.

That's okay. You feel suddenly displaced. You could ask your Wife to tone it down, ask BF to get his own place and do scheduled dating.
You need to read his other thread-- https://polyamory.com/threads/new-here-and-trying.157337/
 

Thanks! @dingedheart

This is what stood out to me:

He said at the beginning that he still wanted to be best friends, but things changed and that didn't seem to be the case in action, only words. I brought it up several times and tried to address it and ask for things to change, but it hasn't or is slow going.

Wife and BF have zero interest in involving OP in their platonic dynamic. It seems the BF is cowboying his wife in his own home.
 
Hi CJ,

I'm sorry to hear that the flame has gone out between you and your wife. It just makes it extra painful when you know it's a bonfire between her and her boyfriend. I don't blame you for hurting inside. You might find someone else with whom you can share that intimacy, but that doesn't mean you won't miss what you had with your wife, it will still hurt. Time will probably do its healing, but it will take a long time, and you will have to have the patience of Job. Hopefully it helps to vent, and hopefully your fellow members here can help you feel a little, just a little bit, better.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I wonder some things.
My wife of many years and her boyfriend of 6 months are living in the same house and just living their life and I'm happy for them but also she and I are less close than we used to be.

Do you and wife own this house? Why did the BF of 6 months move in so fast? Is there an actual rental contract drawn out with you and/or wife as the landlord and the BF as the renter?

The problem is that it hurts me to know that her and her bf are growing closer and being intimate and I'm one bedroom away. I don't ever hear anything but I know when they pass my door heading to shower together that he gets to share something with her that I've lost, possibly forever. My logic brain says, it's ok, she's living her life, they deserve to enjoy each other, and I'm okay with it, logically. My heart just screams and pushes me to get as far away as possible and I'm caught in the flight response.

Why cohabitate all three? It's like piling too many changes together, rather than taking it one at a time.

Now that you and wife have decided to change to a platonic marriage, do you two need to live apart for a year first and be more than one bedroom over? You don't hear any sex noises, but you do witness other intimate things and know they share sex. This might be too much togetherness, too soon.

You could have finished the transition to a platonic marriage first, THEN dealt with the new change of all three living together after that, not tried to do both at the same time.

I want to keep my relationship with her. I want her to keep her relationship with him. I'm usually in knowing that our relationships are different and both fulfilling, in different ways. But the loss of intimacy is still pretty fresh and painful and I'm hoping will diminish over time.

But you need SPACE too, not just time.

Will you all be moving to a different floor plan that gives you more space apart than one bedroom over? Maybe a duplex, or a house with a cottage out back, or even a split-floor plan, so the bedrooms are on opposite sides of the home, with the common areas, like the kitchen and living room in between. A space that would be new to all of you and not like, "him moving into our old space together" might help you feel less supplanted/replaced and more like "new chapter of life for all."

Galagirl
 
Do you and wife own this house? Why did the BF of 6 months move in so fast? Is there an actual rental contract drawn out with you and/or wife as the landlord and the BF as the renter? Why cohabitate all three? It's like piling too many changes together, rather than taking it one at a time.

Now that you and wife have decided to change to a platonic marriage, do you two need to live apart for a year first and be more than one bedroom over? You don't hear any sex noises, but you do witness other intimate things and know they share sex. This might be too much togetherness, too soon. You could have finished the transition to a platonic marriage first, THEN dealt with the new change of all three living together after that, not tried to do both at the same time.

Will you all be moving to a different floor plan that gives you more space apart than one bedroom over? Maybe a duplex, or a house with a cottage out back, or even a split-floor plan, so the bedrooms are on opposite sides of the home, with the common areas, like the kitchen and living room in between. A space that would be new to all of you and not like, "him moving into our old space together" might help you feel less supplanted/replaced and more like "new chapter of life for all."
GG, please note that I added a link in the original post to anonCJ's first thread on this board, where he describes how the three of them, with the guy as a platonic friend, got this shared place first, and THEN the guy and anonCJ's wife started their romantic/sexual relationship, and the marriage fizzled sexually. So anonCJ has been demoted, displaced, replaced, apparently. Awkward!
 
My first thought is that the spark of passion in a long-established couple can wax and wane over time, especially if you currently have a young kid.

You and your wife might get the spark back at a future time. But probably not until she's out of the NRE phase with her boyfriend, unfortunately.

I am skeptical that your wife's relationship with her boyfriend will last all that long. He doesn't sound all that...great, to be honest. Did he even consider you a true friend, or was he just hanging out with you because he wanted your wife?

It's reasonable that you are not okay with the situation currently. Even if you and your wife decide to switch to a platonic partnership where you continue to live together and stay legally married while not having sex, that's a hard enough transition without your wife's other partner already living there.

But if you want to continue as things are, I would suggest you focus on dating other people. You mentioned you have something potentially developing in that regard? Maybe focus on developing your poly dating life while letting your relationship with your wife take on a new, platonic shape.

I am a little concerned, though, that your wife has not been very honest with herself about this situation (assuming she is the one who posted her own thread here describing her version of this situation). She didn't say anything about the spark waning between the two of you while things are so passionate with her boyfriend. It does change the "poly" dynamic significantly if she is not actually having two fairly balanced relationships, but rather switching to a new partner while things have declined with her spouse. While everyone lives together!!

So if you feel something unfair has happened here, I agree.
 
Thank you for the link, Mag.

And yes. Super awkward.

OP... this is a lot of things back to back. Do you still want to live here with them in THIS floorpan?

GG
 
Hey everyone.
It's difficult to know a situation unless you're a part of it. A lot of people are saying this was a bad idea or that my wife's not doing her part or her bf is being inconsiderate. We should all move out and get our own places and live separately. I appreciate your suggestions but more I just needed to vent. Unfortunately venting made things worse.
Thank you Kevin for your condolences. Your post meant a lot to me. I'm going to take a break from posting for a while. Good luck everyone.
 
Hi CJ,

I'm very sorry you did not get the kind of help and support that you needed. If you want, you can DM me, and we can discuss things in private. Hang in there and try not to let things bring you down.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey everyone.
It's difficult to know a situation unless you're a part of it. A lot of people are saying this was a bad idea or that my wife's not doing her part or her bf is being inconsiderate. We should all move out and get our own places and live separately. I appreciate your suggestions but more I just needed to vent. Unfortunately venting made things worse.
Thank you Kevin for your condolences. Your post meant a lot to me. I'm going to take a break from posting for a while. Good luck everyone.
Good luck to you, I hope you can make the best out of what you have going on.
I'm glad Kevin's post, at least, was answering your need.
 
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