Yeah, she recommended that I join the site but I don't know if we're not supposed to find each other on here.
You mentioned in your opening post that your wife brought up the idea of poly. Do you know how much research she had done at that point?
How soon after that conversation did she start dating? What preparatory conversations did you have?
Do you know if she’s a member here? Or if she views you as struggling and needing support and advice?
We are definitely "visiting each other's island" but it is less frequent. We used to sit for hours at the end of the week to relax and vent and talk about plans and just exist together. Now we don't have as much time and so this happens less often. Which is fine. We're making it work. It's just different. At first I felt like we were drifting apart so quickly and were in danger of not having a relationship anymore. Now, after many reassurances and evidence to the contrary, I don't have that feeling.
IMO, the speed in which she announced her desire for poly and that of buying and moving in a new partner give zero adjustment time for all the monumental adjustments you were being hit with. If there’s a case for being overwhelmed, I’d think you’d qualify. New romantic dynamic and having to share after 13 yrs of NOT, some codependency issues as a result 13 yr history, then space invasion in living space, more sharing. All these adjustments without an operator's manual, a brave undertaking under the absolute best of conditions and people.
Are there any ideas, situations or requests in this that you said NO to?
If you’re conflict avoidant, or think being agreeable will win you points/respect/love, you’re in for a very rough ride.
Upon opening the marriage and going down the poly road did, each of you realize the old marriage was going to die and something new built from the salvage? I think a lot of newbies think it’s a simple +1 in some sort of satellite configuration to the base or primary couple. Pretty big misconception, and another big hurdle to overcome.
Have each of you mourned the old marriage?
Have you discussed the expectation of what the new marriage will look like?
I don't really know how to have a good relationship with my metamour. He said at the beginning that he still wanted to be best friends, but things changed and that didn't seem to be the case in action, only words. I brought it up several times and tried to address it and ask for things to change, but it hasn't, or is slow going. For now I just have to think of him as a roommate.
Are you mourning the loss of your best friend too?
We do things together, but he doesn't really reach out to me specifically, or ask about how I'm doing, or want to do anything together without our hinge. I know he's still learning too and I need to be patient. So I set my expectations low to avoid some of the pain, and I'll wait.
Have you read the article (or articles, if any others are out there) on detangling? Maybe you need to detangle from both of them a bit, or maybe a lot. Ideally, you’d want to start the detangling process well in front of anyone jumping into the poly pool to start a condition process to create a physical and mental break from habits and routines, to provide distance/space to allow a new romantic relationships to grow more freely without friction. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to detangle, and I don’t think, or, let’s say, I’ve never heard of anyone making a mistake in detangling.
