Could use a few mind-opening insights

[Franko]

Hello all,

I think I could use a little help opening with up my mind by people who live and believe in polygamy.

Here is my situation. I have been with my wife for 10 years now. We have two kids together and always have been very much in love, even though we had some rough times.

My girlfriend is a lesbian, but I don’t know by what miracle, she fell in love with me when we met. We have always been in a monogamous relationship, but she has sometimes talked about that identity, and that she would eventually feel the need to go with girls, because that’s who she is. Being someone who tries my best to stay open-minded, and wanting her happiness, I told her I understood what she was telling me.

It never happened in 10 years, but now she is feeling that need. For me, being someone who grew up in a kind of stuck-up and conservative environment, now that this is happening, it’s been a bit challenging.

Just some clarities:
I want her happiness. I totally understand that need she has. I am very confident and solid about our relationship. She is one of the most honest people I know, and tells me literally everything, even if it may hurt.
She made it very clear to me that I am the love of her life. Another relationship with a girl will not change that. We are building a life together and that will always remain her priority.

All this to say, she met another women who she has a lot of affection for. They have already kissed and had sex. She was very transparent about it before it happened, and after it happened, and asked me to tell her my thoughts. Loving her and wanting what is best for her, I told her to go ahead, to live what she had to live.

My girl is not someone who can just casually have sex with someone and then leave. She builds trusting relationships with with friends, and now another woman. She made it clear that she is not in love with her, just has a lot of affection, like one would have with a close friend, but with physical attraction on top.

I totally understand that even though I would love to, I can not fulfill this part of her that is attracted to women and how she can be and feel with a woman partner.

We discussed fully opening up our couple, but she isn’t too comfortable with it because, me being hetero, she can provide what I would be searching for having sex with another woman. And me not being polygamous, I don’t feel the want nor need to go with other women.

All that being said, I totally want her to be happy. I want her to not have to suppress this part of herself because of my insecurities, and want her to live her life.

I could use a bit of insight from you guys on to how not to feel jealousy, fear, wanting to control, fully let go of that idea so engrained in our society that one has to commit to one person and one person only. What advice would you guys have to give me to help me let go of my ego-based insecurities?

Thank you guys so much for taking the time to go through my post and to those of you who will take the time to reply.

 

[Whither]

Hi Franko, I’m absolutely no pro but here are my 2 cents:
Ask yourself if you can accept her falling in love with that other woman. I don’t think it’s possible for her to guarantee she won’t. And if it’s going to happen, there will be a lot of pain, if you can’t constructively deal with it.

As for jealousy, fear etc: I don’t think it’s possible to not feel that if you already do. Acknowledge those feelings. Don’t make them a bad thing. Feel them, get to the bottom of them, talk with her a lot about them and what makes you jealous and afraid. Explore where it’s coming from, but don’t let them rule you. Explore and feel the love, respect and trust you have for each other. Don’t suppress your feelings, work through them so you can one day come out the other side.

Edit: be vulnerable, ask her to give you the time, understanding and patience you need to be able to say yes to her and her lover. If possible, talk to her lover, get to know her and talk to her about the same things. She might feel similarly and if you are very lucky, you two might be allies.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello all,

I think I could use a little help opening up my mind by people who live and believe in polygamy.

Welcome, Franko!

Just to begin, note that the term is "polyamory," multiple loves, not "polygamy," multiple marriages, which is illegal in most countries (except a few Muslim ones, where a man can take multiple wives, but not vice versa).

I have been with my wife for 10 years. We have two kids.

My girlfriend is a lesbian, but I don’t know by what miracle, she fell in love with me when we met. We have always been in a monogamous relationship, but she has sometimes talked about that identity, and that she would eventually feel the need to go with girls, because that’s who she is. Being someone who tries my best to stay open-minded, and wanting her happiness, I told her I understood what she was telling me.

It never happened in 10 years, but now she is feeling that need.

Just some clarities:
I want her happiness. I totally understand that need she has. I am very confident and solid about our relationship. She is one of the most honest people I know, and tells me literally everything, even if it may hurt.
She made it very clear to me that I am the love of her life. Another relationship with a girl will not change that. We are building a life together and that will always remain her priority.

Everything sounds fine until this. It seems to me, since this other woman is newer, your wife's feelings for her are new, and not deep. Certainly most relationships start out that way. Then the feelings deepen, or you break up. Sometimes a person remains a FWB, but often you fall in love. So as Whither said, be prepared.

She met another women who she has a lot of affection for. They have already kissed and had sex. She was very transparent about it before it happened, and after it happened.

She can't just casually have sex with someone and then leave. She builds trusting relationships with with friends, and now another woman. She made it clear that she is not in love with her, just has a lot of affection, like one would have with a close friend, but with physical attraction on top.

Yeah, if she's this kind of person, "affection and attraction" could definitely deepen to love, unless they realize they are just infatuated but not long-term compatible. We talk of NRE, new relationship energy, which is that happy overwhelming feeling one gets with a new partner. Sometimes it leads to love, but sometimes it fades and the relationship ends. Of course, some people do just remain FWBs, despite NRE... You never know.

I totally understand that even though I would love to, I can not fulfill this part of her that is attracted to women and how she can be and feel with a woman partner.

You've had this in the back of your mind for 10 years, so you're prepared.

We discussed fully opening up our couple, but she isn’t too comfortable with it because, me being hetero, she can provide what I would be searching for having sex with another woman. And me not being polygamous, I don’t feel the want nor need to go with other women.

Polyamorous. Okay, you have no desire for multiple partners. That makes things less complicated.

I could use a bit of insight from you guys on to how not to feel jealousy, fear, wanting to control, fully let go of that idea so engrained in our society that one has to commit to one person and one person only. What advice would you guys have to give me to help me let go of my ego-based insecurities?

I would advise you go to our Golden Nuggets section and start reading articles. Maybe order the Polysecure book. Jealousy is based on fear of loss. Maybe you don't fear losing Wife altogether, but time is finite. You and the kids will have to share your time with this new important person. Wife will need a budget for dating. Maybe she will soon want to do overnights, at the other gal's place, or even in your home. What about telling the kids? If you're still in a conservative, maybe homophobic area, you will have issues with telling your families, or being "out" at work as poly. Etc.

Those are some issues that might be triggering jealousy, a desire for control, being unable to let go of the monoamorous mindset.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Franko,

Traditional thinking states that morality is defined by an arbitrary code spelled out in the Bible, parents, media, and other social authorities. It is my belief, though, that true morality is defined by mutual consent. If three people want to form a romantic relationship (a triad or a V), for example, I consider it perfectly moral for them to do that as long as all three of them are consenting to the proposition. You will have to decide whether you can adopt my moral code. Monogamous brainwashing isn't easy to overcome.

Here are some links to help you with your jealousy:

• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Hopefully that helps.
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hello all,

Hi Franko and welcome to the forum.

I think I could use a little help opening up my mind by people who live and believe in polygamy.

Well, there are a lot of very open-minded people here to offer you opinions. You've come to the right place.

Here is my situation. I have been with my wife for 10 years now. We have two kids together and always have been very much in love, even though we had some rough times.

My girlfriend is a lesbian, but I don’t know by what miracle, she fell in love with me when we met. We have always been in a monogamous relationship, but she has sometimes talked about that identity, and that she would eventually feel the need to go with girls, because that’s who she is. Being someone who tries my best to stay open-minded, and wanting her happiness, I told her I understood what she was telling me.

Not trying to go down any semantic rabbit holes, but you used wife in one sentence and gf in another. Are you legally married, or is it a common-law thing?

The label “lesbian,“ is that the label she uses, or has used, to describe her sexuality, or is that your basic interpretation of the situation as it evolved around you? The miracle might not be the meeting and falling in love-- the miracle might be that it’s lasted 10 yrs.

It never happened in 10 years, but now she is feeling that need. For me, being someone who grew up in a kind of stuck-up and conservative environment, now that this is happening, it’s been a bit challenging.

I’m not sure getting down on yourself for having a belief of preference is going to help you here.

Just some clarities:
I want her happiness. I totally understand that need she has. I am very confident and solid about our relationship. She is one of the most honest people I know, and tells me literally everything, even if it may hurt.

That’s a good start. However, has she done any reading and/or study into being in multiple romantic relationships?

She made it very clear to me that I am the love of her life. Another relationship with a girl will not change that. We are building a life together and that will always remain her priority.

I’m sure she sincerely meant all of that at the time she said it, BUT having zero experience and zero competency in this very complex dynamic, I'd take that with, not a pinch of salt, but a handful. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL CHANGE!! The old marriage is dead and something new is going to be build in its place. That’s the reality. Depending on how deep and or committed her other relationship or relationships go, you’ll remain “a“ priority, but not "the" priority. Making that promise is a novice mistake, IMO.

All this to say, she met another women who she has a lot of affection for. They have already kissed and had sex. She was very transparent about it before it happened, and after it happened, and asked me to tell her my thoughts. Loving her and wanting what is best for her, I told her to go ahead, to live what she had to live.

My girl is not someone who can just casually have sex with someone and then leave. She builds trusting relationships with with friends, and now another woman. She made it clear that she is not in love with her, just has a lot of affection, like one would have with a close friend, but with physical attraction on top.

I totally understand that even though I would love to, I can not fulfill this part of her that is attracted to women and how she can be and feel with a woman partner.

It’s almost contradictory that she’s NOT one to just act on attraction and fall into casual sex, needing a trusting base and bonding experience to happen first, yetat the same time, placing same-sex attraction as a differentiating marker. To me, this is wanting it both ways. It’s a pretty narrow and sexist view on attraction and love and bonding. Logically, if you applied the strict definitions, and her own logic, in this matter to gender attraction and relationships, your relationship/marriage is the extreme outlier… correct?

We discussed fully opening up our couple, but she isn’t too comfortable with it because, me being hetero, she can provide what I would be searching for having sex with another woman.

Again, a pretty narrow view on romantic relationships, if you ask me.

And me not being polygamous, I don’t feel the want nor need to go with other women.

You might feel that way today, BUT I would definitely leave that window or door open. IN FACT, I’d insist on it being open.

All that being said, I totally want her to be happy. I want her to not have to suppress this part of herself because of my insecurities, and want her to live her life.

Let’s hope she’ll be as supportive to you as you both transition into this new dynamic.

I could use a bit of insight from you guys on to how not to feel jealousy, fear, wanting to control, fully let go of that idea so engrained in our society that one has to commit to one person and one person only. What advice would you guys have to give me to help me let go of my ego-based insecurities?

Work on detangling. Reevaluate the old pattens and customs that you both established years ago. Start either letting them go or start making modifications. Attaching actions to concepts, and developing new habits and routines help make the new normal a more tailored fit. It makes you a participant, rather than sitting around waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Good luck.

 

[Franko]

Hi Franko and welcome to the forum.

Hey, thank you so much for your time and consideration!

There are a lot of very open-minded people here to offer you opinions . You've come to the right place.


Not trying to go down any semantic rabbit holes, but you used wife in one sentence and gf in another. Are you legally married, or is it a common-law thing ?

Yes that’s true, it’s a mistake on my end. She is my girlfriend. We are not legally married.

The label “lesbian,“ is that label she uses, or has used, to describe her sexuality, or is that your basic interpretation of the situation as it evolved around you? The miracle might not be the meeting and falling in love-- the miracle might be that it’s lasted 10 yrs.

Lesbian is the label she uses, and always has, for herself and her sexual orientation.

I’m not sure getting down on yourself for having a belief of preference is going to help you here.
Has she done any reading and or study into being in multiple romantic relationships?

No, she did not. Her goal is not to be in multiple romantic relationships, per se. She had told me to kind of view it as the other woman being her friend with benefits kind of thing. She has told me that she is not in love with her, and won’t be. (I'm aware these are things we can’t control, but that’s not her objective here.) She’s not trying to have another full romantic relationship, where she is a building a life with that person as she is with me.

I’m sure she sincerely meant all of that at the time she said it, BUT having zero experience and zero competency in this very complex dynamic, I'd take that with, not a pinch of salt, but a handful. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL CHANGE!! The old marriage is dead, and something new is going to be build in its place. That’s the reality. Depending how deep and or committed her other relationship or relationships go, you’ll remain “a" priority, but not "the" priority. aking that promise is a novice mistake, IMO.

Hmm... yes, that makes sense. The dynamic will definitely change although it’s not the kind of romantic relationship where she will kind of give it a 50/50 time and energy between our relationship and the other one. She will be seeing her from time to time, like she would with a friend, and just let that side of her live freely and completely.

She has told me that her being able to just live this part of herself will make her feel more complete and whole in our relationship also, because she won’t have the feeling of having to repress it by being with me. I totally understand that. I wouldn’t want her to grow into having resentment because she wasn’t living fully her true identity and attraction to women.

It’s almost contradictory that she’s NOT one to just act on attraction and fall into casual sex, needing a trusting base and bonding experience to happen first, YET at the same time, placing same-sex attraction as a differentiating marker. To me, this is wanting it both ways.

I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand fully what you are saying. My primary language is French and don’t always understand the turn of phrase. Would there be another way of putting it?

It’s a pretty narrow and sexist view on attraction and love and bonding. Logically, if you applied the strict definitions and her own logic in this matter ,to gender attraction and relationships, your relationship/marriage is the extreme outlier… correct?

Yes, I would say this is correct.

Again a pretty narrow view on romantic relationships, if you ask me. You might feel that way today, BUT I definitely leave that window or door open. IN FACT, I’d insist on it being open.

You are right, again. I’ll keep an open mind towards that.

Let’s hope she’ll be as supportive to you as you both transition in to this new dynamic.

Work on detangling. Reevaluate the old pattens and customs that you both established years ago. Start either letting them go, or start making modifications. Attaching actions to concepts and developing new habits and routines help make the new normal a more tailored fit. It makes you a participant, rather than sitting around waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Thank you so much for your time. It is truly appreciated. Have a great day!

Good luck

 

[Franko]

Hi Franko, I’m absolutely no pro, but here are my 2 cents:
Ask yourself if you can accept her falling in love with that other woman. I don’t think it’s possible for her to guarantee she won’t. And if it’s going to happen, there will be a lot of pain, if you can’t constructively deal with it.

As for jealousy, fear, etc., I don’t think it’s possible to not feel that if you already do. Acknowledge those feelings. Don’t make them a bad thing. Feel them, get to the bottom of them, talk with her a lot about them and what makes you jealous and afraid. Explore where it’s coming from, but don’t let them rule you. Explore and feel the love, respect and trust you have for each other. Don’t suppress your feelings, work through them so you can one day come out the other side.

Be vulnerable, ask her to give you the time, understanding and patience you need to be able to say yes to her and her lover. If possible, talk to her lover, get to know her and talk to her about the same things. She might feel similarly and if you are very lucky, you two might be allies.

Hey Whither,

Thank you so much. Love this reply.

We do openly talk about my mental blockages towards it. She is very patient, and supportive also. I try to focus on the good things and the love.
Trying to talk to her lover and be allies is a beautiful idea. I think this could be a very positive thing, and it would also kind of make the unknown and doubt disappear, which is the main reason for fear and insecurities we feel most of the time. To put a face on the name and get to know her more would probably make things a lot easier on my end to accept. I’m sure she is a really nice person.

Thank you very much for your time.

 

[Tinwen]

Trying to talk to her liver and be allies is a beautiful idea .

You might want to fix this funny typo

 

[Franko]

Welcome, Franko!

Just to begin, note that the term is "polyamory," multiple loves, not "polygamy," multiple marriages, which is illegal in most countries (except a few Muslim ones, where a man can take multiple wives, but not vice versa).

I am sorry for this amalgam, thank you for teaching me. I’ll use the term polyamory as of now.

Everything sounds fine until this. It seems to me, since this other woman is newer, your wife's feelings for her are new, and not deep. Certainly most relationships start out that way. Then the feelings deepen, or you break up. Sometimes a person remains a FWB, but often you fall in love. So as Whither said, be prepared.

I am “prepared” for this. She told me that if this was to happen, it wouldn’t change what me and her are having and living. I am her family and this will never change. But the dynamics would definitely change, and this is something we will have to work on together to make things work.

Also, a detail I forgot to put is that the other women is also married and has a kid with a man. They are in a fully open relationship. That woman is heterosexual, but was starting to question her orientation and wanted to experiment with girls, and that’s when she and my girlfriend met. So, both my girlfriend and she being committed to their boyfriend/husband and having kids and a life, it kind of reassures me that it’s more a relationship where they both live this part of themselves, and that both of them are not in a dynamic where they are planning to build a real loving relationship together. It’s kind of understood that whatever they share, both their families will stay the priority.

BUT, I am aware we can’t control feelings and everything can happen. So if ever they do develop some deeper feelings, we will have to work through all this, or just come to a realization where we may not be compatible any more in our wants and needs..

Yeah, if she's this kind of person, "affection and attraction" could definitely deepen to love, unless they realize they are just infatuated but not long-term compatible. We talk of NRE, new relationship energy, which is that happy overwhelming feeling one gets with a new partner. Sometimes it leads to love, but sometimes it fades and the relationship ends. Of course, some people do just remain FWBs, despite NRE... You never know.

You've had this in the back of your mind for 10 years, so you're prepared.

Polyamorous

Yes, again, sorry for using the wrong term.

Okay, you have no desire for multiple partners. That makes things less complicated.

I would advise you go to our Golden Nuggets section and start reading articles. Maybe order the Polysecure book.

Thank you very much, I will definitely look into these.

Jealousy is based on fear of loss. Maybe you don't fear losing Wife altogether, but time is finite. You and the kids will have to share your time with this new important person. Wife will need a budget for dating. Maybe she will soon want to do overnights, at the other gal's place, or even in your home. What about telling the kids? If you're still in a conservative, maybe homophobic area, you will have issues with telling your families, or being "out" at work as poly. Etc.

Those are some issues that might be triggering jealousy, a desire for control, being unable to let go of the monoamorous mindset.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

Thank you so much for your time and reply. It truly means a lot to me.

 

[Franko]

You might want to fix this funny typo

Hahaha definitely

 

[dingedheart]

Lesbian is the label she uses, and always has, for herself and her sexual orientation.

In other words, she’s going home to her roots, so to speak?

No, she did not. Her goal is not to be in multiple romantic relationships, per se.

Yeah, it’s going to be the "per se" part.

She had told me to kind of view it as the other woman being her friend-with-benefits kind of thing. She has told me that she is not in love with her, and won’t be. (I'm aware these are things we can’t control, but that’s not her objective here.) She’s not trying to have another full romantic relationship, where she is a building a life with that person as she is with me.

Best laid plans, and all that. You know what I mean. Horny high-school kids never plan on getting pregnant either; it just sort of happens. If I were you, I would prepare for a full-on romantic relationship that resembles your relationship, minus the cohabitation and physical structure that "building a life together“ means.

Also, I invite you to poke around here in the old threads, and you’ll see a good number in which the exact same logic and start point was expressed, and the exact same assurances were given, only to later to be acknowledged.

I can’t think of the guy's username this second, but his wife was an ER doctor. She and another doctor, both with husbands and families, wanted or needed to open their marriages to get their sexual needs met. The other woman’s husband was completely reluctant and/or hesitant. Within a short time, 8 months to a year, that marriage was over. And then, not long after that, things changed for the guy who was posting here, too.

Hmm... yes, that makes sense. The dynamic will definitely change, although it’s not the kind of romantic relationship where she will kind of give it a 50/50 time and energy, between our relationship and the other one. She will be seeing her from time to time, like she would with a friend, and just let that side of her live freely and completely.

Yes, that’s how it’s drawn up on paper today. Be prepared for more time and energy and attention, particularly on the front end, being diverted away from you and the family. Expectations matter. This could suck at first. Better to have that expectation, than to think this is like her going to a book club.

She has told me that her being able to just live this part of herself will make her feel more complete and whole in our relationship also, because she won’t have the feeling of having to repress it by being with me. I totally understand that. I wouldn’t want her to grow into having resentment because she wasn’t living fully her true identity and attraction to women.

Sure, that makes sense to me. We probably have the same exact attraction, so it’s not hard to understand.

I’m sorry, I’m not sure I understand fully what you are saying. My primary language is French and don’t always understand the turn of phrase. Would there be another way of putting it?

I doubt it’s the translation. I’m sure it’s the bad way in which I chose to articulate that.

My point is, she made a specific point, saying casual sex was off the table, so not any old (or young) pair of boobs and vagina were of interest to meet her need of sexual expression. So she gets to meet and connect and express herself in a deeply human and artistic way, sexually with another person based on their genitalia. But because you’re straight, you can’t. It’s about the genitalia/body parts, not the artistic expression? I think it’s a convenient roadblock to not have to face or confront the same insecurities. Said another way, the reason you’re with your long-term gf is not just because she's got boobs and a vagina, correct?

Yes, I would say this is correct.

And that said, it probably shouldn’t be taken lightly, IMO.

You are right, again. I’ll keep an open mind towards that.

Keeping that option/door open also sort of levels the playing field, or balances the power, so to speak. Each person is throwing chips into the pot. It’s not strictly one-sided.

Thank you so much for your time. It is truly appreciated.

You are very welcome. Good luck.

 

[Juan234]

“My girlfriend is a lesbian,” should be in the past tense, unless she leaves you to never be with a man again, and with all due respect, considers her time with you, at least sexually, a mistake. I recommend a USA film called “Chasing Amy,” although I do not doubt your love for her.

“We discussed fully opening up our couple, but she isn’t too comfortable with it because, me being hetero, she can provide what I would be searching for having sex with another woman.”

No, because she cannot be ANOTHER woman. She cannot provide ANOTHER woman. Her comment is self-serving and frankly, sexist. If I were you, I would allow my feelings to expand when you are chatting with ANOTHER woman. And let your gilfriend know. Then she too can work on her feelings of jealousy which she initiated when she opened your relationship.

Of course, if 10 years ago, when you started, you two agreed she could date women and you could not, then you are indeed bound to your word. But otherwise, she is imposing a double standard on you now.

In terms of your jealousy question, there are books you can read. Managing or unlearning jealousy takes time. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is a good book for that.

There are free links on this website, as well. For example, check the “Golden Nuggets” forum. Or go to this page and do a search for “jealousy”:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-articles-and-books-master-thread.155304/

Good luck!

 

[Tinwen]

Why does everyone get hung up on the girl calling herself lesbian instead of bi? Does it matter? Maybe he's the one exception among a lot of girls.

I'm as straight as it gets, like waaaaay more attracted to men, but even I got something-like-feelings for a girl or two. I won't stop identifying as straight just because of an exception.

Point is, we have no idea why she calls herself lesbian while being married to a man so stop calling her marriage or her self-identification a mistake.

 

[dingedheart]

Why does everyone get hung up on the girl calling herself lesbian instead of bi?

By everyone, you mean me and Juan? I’ve been told repeatedly that words and sexual self-identification matters.

Does it matter?

Maybe. I’ve seen plenty of women enter poly to “just explore their sexuality,“ and the possibilities, and then discovering their “lesbian“ natures and thus deciding to end their marriages. One such couple had a popular poly podcast, which they then shut down after that all went down. I don't remember the name of it, but I’m sure somebody here does, although it might 10-plus yrs ago.

Maybe he's the one exception among a lot of girls.

Yes. It's clear that’s the case right now.

I'm as straight as it gets, like waaaaay more attracted to men, but even I got something-like-feelings for a girl or two. I won't stop identifying as straight just because of an exception.

Right, but you’re not married or building a long-term life with a women, and then going off to get your natural hetero fulfillment.

Point is, we have no idea why she calls herself lesbian while being married to a man, so stop calling her marriage or her self-identification a mistake.

They’re not married, so I guess technically there is no mistake. But I think was talking about how someone might interpret their own history. That judgement being placed on themselves.

 

[nks]

Good insightful answers all around. A few things I would like to add.

For me, it is difficult to believe that there is no love, if she is the kind of person who is not just sleeping with someone. I would imagine that there must be strong feelings already. But if she is polyamorous then it should not be an issue. If I love another woman (or in this bi context a man), why would I stop loving my wife? I mean, my love towards the other does not negate my other love. Well, the question that is always behind the surface in these poly discussions is: is she really polyamorous, or is she looking for another monogamous relationship?

As others warned, it can lead to the, ”Oh, I am lesbian now” situation. The worrying thing for me is that her identity is lesbian and not bisexual. Who knows how it will develop? But, all that said, she genuinely seems to prioritize you. And, yes, while emotions cannot be easily controlled, the idea of a primary partner is there for a reason.

More than one of my exes said that they were interested in women. And two even had crushes on people around them. One turned into a poly triad relationship. Now, they already spent time with these women, anyway, so, for me, it was like, if you want to have sex or go on a date and not just chat all night, that's fine. They will spend a lot of time together anyway, and I also knew them well. And in the case of the triad, my gf also encouraged me to get close to the other woman, which I did. (The relationships ended due to living apart across continents, and not because of loving others.)

I don't know, but in your case they are already together and had sex, so let's see how things turn out. I think it is nice you are supportive. Perhaps, you might need to insist on opening up, if she spends too much time away, or having a very imbalanced relationship. But if the balance is right, then it's fine if she is the only one having the lesbian relationship on the side. You can actually have a more intimate relationship, because she can feel full and secure with you, as you embrace her lesbian side, as well. There are, as always, many risks, but also some possibilities for something great. Hope all works out well.