I suspect I will wind up breaking up with Charles tomorrow, and it's killing me. I wanted to post here for a reality check because I could really use the additional perspectives. COVID is messing with my memory and perception, and my emotions are bouncing around like a ping pong ball.
We have had our issues, and COVID has certainly magnified them. In many cases, I'm not sure they would have come into play at all. I suspect I would have been very happy seeing him a couple of days a week on an ongoing basis until who knows when.
Those of you who have read my blog know that Charles was supposed to move in with us when the pandemic shut everything down, but his depression grew so severe he was having physical symptoms so he wasn't able to do so until seven weeks later. At that point he did come to stay with us but it was for more like 3-4 weeks before his work reopened and he was working with the public again. Our risk assessment means we do not go out and we do not interact with people outside our household, period. So since then I have only seen Charles via socially distanced visits, which have been incredibly painful. Touch is one of my primary love languages and I feel like I am literally starving for it.
Charles has been making a concerted effort to stay connected, which I know is foreign to him. He texts and calls more often and tries to come for a socially distanced visit at least once a week. Work affects things though because he doesn't want to be outside in the evening because the mosquitos drive him insane, and that makes sense.
Henry and I were trying so hard to find a way to get him into our bubble again because this has been incredibly painful for me. We finally came up with a workable solution where we could give him one of our reusable N95 masks to wear at work instead of his cloth mask, but because his roommates also work at the same workplace it wouldn't be enough to avoid any spread at his workplace. We suggested he come back and stay with us for as long as he likes. I told him this wasn't presenting him with a fair accompli- that I care about his thoughts and feelings and needs, and that whatever he needed to make this workable, it was on the table. He told me that he needed to sleep on it, that it wasn't really about us but his need to have and be in his own space. I reiterated that whatever he thought he needed, we could try to work with it.
It's been three days and he hadn't mentioned it. We were talking last night and I asked him what he had been thinking, because I was getting a bad vibe. He was texting me more often than usual and it's awful to think that felt like a warning bell but I didn't think he'd put in that level of effort if he was planning to be here to stay soon, since texting is not his preferred mode of conversation. He told me that he got a visceral reaction when he even thought of it, and that he was thinking he should probably trust that. That he hadn't made the decision for sure but those were his sleepy leanings.
While I think I was expecting it, I still feel probably a similar gut wrenching response to him making this choice. I get that this is his crazy, just like I have mine, but I'm not sure I can deal with it. I feel like after two years, that he won't even come to be with me in the middle of a pandemic because we have no other options to touch? I feel like I don't matter to him. He tells me he loves me but it's really hard to feel that way when he'd rather be at home with his roommates than here with me. When he was here before, we tried so hard to give him his own space. We cleared out a room for him and gave him his privacy etc, no expectations on his time, everything. And if there was anything he wanted or needed, I told him he just had to ask.
I just don't understand how it can come to this. I love him and he says he loves me. I literally am willing to negotiate just about anything that would make him feel more comfortable and happy. I don't want to break up with him. But I am hurting so badly right now. I don't know what to do.
We set a time to have a fucking socially distanced conversation tomorrow and I still don't even know what I want to say. I'm not sure breaking up with him will stop the hurting either so maybe it isn't an answer. I am so so fucking tired of COVID and what it's doing to us all.
We have had our issues, and COVID has certainly magnified them. In many cases, I'm not sure they would have come into play at all. I suspect I would have been very happy seeing him a couple of days a week on an ongoing basis until who knows when.
Those of you who have read my blog know that Charles was supposed to move in with us when the pandemic shut everything down, but his depression grew so severe he was having physical symptoms so he wasn't able to do so until seven weeks later. At that point he did come to stay with us but it was for more like 3-4 weeks before his work reopened and he was working with the public again. Our risk assessment means we do not go out and we do not interact with people outside our household, period. So since then I have only seen Charles via socially distanced visits, which have been incredibly painful. Touch is one of my primary love languages and I feel like I am literally starving for it.
Charles has been making a concerted effort to stay connected, which I know is foreign to him. He texts and calls more often and tries to come for a socially distanced visit at least once a week. Work affects things though because he doesn't want to be outside in the evening because the mosquitos drive him insane, and that makes sense.
Henry and I were trying so hard to find a way to get him into our bubble again because this has been incredibly painful for me. We finally came up with a workable solution where we could give him one of our reusable N95 masks to wear at work instead of his cloth mask, but because his roommates also work at the same workplace it wouldn't be enough to avoid any spread at his workplace. We suggested he come back and stay with us for as long as he likes. I told him this wasn't presenting him with a fair accompli- that I care about his thoughts and feelings and needs, and that whatever he needed to make this workable, it was on the table. He told me that he needed to sleep on it, that it wasn't really about us but his need to have and be in his own space. I reiterated that whatever he thought he needed, we could try to work with it.
It's been three days and he hadn't mentioned it. We were talking last night and I asked him what he had been thinking, because I was getting a bad vibe. He was texting me more often than usual and it's awful to think that felt like a warning bell but I didn't think he'd put in that level of effort if he was planning to be here to stay soon, since texting is not his preferred mode of conversation. He told me that he got a visceral reaction when he even thought of it, and that he was thinking he should probably trust that. That he hadn't made the decision for sure but those were his sleepy leanings.
While I think I was expecting it, I still feel probably a similar gut wrenching response to him making this choice. I get that this is his crazy, just like I have mine, but I'm not sure I can deal with it. I feel like after two years, that he won't even come to be with me in the middle of a pandemic because we have no other options to touch? I feel like I don't matter to him. He tells me he loves me but it's really hard to feel that way when he'd rather be at home with his roommates than here with me. When he was here before, we tried so hard to give him his own space. We cleared out a room for him and gave him his privacy etc, no expectations on his time, everything. And if there was anything he wanted or needed, I told him he just had to ask.
I just don't understand how it can come to this. I love him and he says he loves me. I literally am willing to negotiate just about anything that would make him feel more comfortable and happy. I don't want to break up with him. But I am hurting so badly right now. I don't know what to do.
We set a time to have a fucking socially distanced conversation tomorrow and I still don't even know what I want to say. I'm not sure breaking up with him will stop the hurting either so maybe it isn't an answer. I am so so fucking tired of COVID and what it's doing to us all.