COVID Breaking Me

Vicki82

Active member
I suspect I will wind up breaking up with Charles tomorrow, and it's killing me. I wanted to post here for a reality check because I could really use the additional perspectives. COVID is messing with my memory and perception, and my emotions are bouncing around like a ping pong ball.

We have had our issues, and COVID has certainly magnified them. In many cases, I'm not sure they would have come into play at all. I suspect I would have been very happy seeing him a couple of days a week on an ongoing basis until who knows when.

Those of you who have read my blog know that Charles was supposed to move in with us when the pandemic shut everything down, but his depression grew so severe he was having physical symptoms so he wasn't able to do so until seven weeks later. At that point he did come to stay with us but it was for more like 3-4 weeks before his work reopened and he was working with the public again. Our risk assessment means we do not go out and we do not interact with people outside our household, period. So since then I have only seen Charles via socially distanced visits, which have been incredibly painful. Touch is one of my primary love languages and I feel like I am literally starving for it.

Charles has been making a concerted effort to stay connected, which I know is foreign to him. He texts and calls more often and tries to come for a socially distanced visit at least once a week. Work affects things though because he doesn't want to be outside in the evening because the mosquitos drive him insane, and that makes sense.

Henry and I were trying so hard to find a way to get him into our bubble again because this has been incredibly painful for me. We finally came up with a workable solution where we could give him one of our reusable N95 masks to wear at work instead of his cloth mask, but because his roommates also work at the same workplace it wouldn't be enough to avoid any spread at his workplace. We suggested he come back and stay with us for as long as he likes. I told him this wasn't presenting him with a fair accompli- that I care about his thoughts and feelings and needs, and that whatever he needed to make this workable, it was on the table. He told me that he needed to sleep on it, that it wasn't really about us but his need to have and be in his own space. I reiterated that whatever he thought he needed, we could try to work with it.

It's been three days and he hadn't mentioned it. We were talking last night and I asked him what he had been thinking, because I was getting a bad vibe. He was texting me more often than usual and it's awful to think that felt like a warning bell but I didn't think he'd put in that level of effort if he was planning to be here to stay soon, since texting is not his preferred mode of conversation. He told me that he got a visceral reaction when he even thought of it, and that he was thinking he should probably trust that. That he hadn't made the decision for sure but those were his sleepy leanings.

While I think I was expecting it, I still feel probably a similar gut wrenching response to him making this choice. I get that this is his crazy, just like I have mine, but I'm not sure I can deal with it. I feel like after two years, that he won't even come to be with me in the middle of a pandemic because we have no other options to touch? I feel like I don't matter to him. He tells me he loves me but it's really hard to feel that way when he'd rather be at home with his roommates than here with me. When he was here before, we tried so hard to give him his own space. We cleared out a room for him and gave him his privacy etc, no expectations on his time, everything. And if there was anything he wanted or needed, I told him he just had to ask.

I just don't understand how it can come to this. I love him and he says he loves me. I literally am willing to negotiate just about anything that would make him feel more comfortable and happy. I don't want to break up with him. But I am hurting so badly right now. I don't know what to do.

We set a time to have a fucking socially distanced conversation tomorrow and I still don't even know what I want to say. I'm not sure breaking up with him will stop the hurting either so maybe it isn't an answer. I am so so fucking tired of COVID and what it's doing to us all.
 
I'm so sorry, Vicki. I don't think there's any good option in your situation. I assume Charles finding his own place isn't viable? So that his roommate no longer affects his risk level? I understand his pov - even with his own room and such at your house, he probably still feels like the expectation will be time together. That isn't the reality (beyond normal date time that he also would want), but that's the shitty thing about anxiety and depression. Reality isn't always that person's reality.

I wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship without any physical contact either. I can't fault you there. It sucks because it's out of anyone's control. You can't help your need for connection and he can't help his need for space.
 
I'm so sorry, Vicki. I don't think there's any good option in your situation. I assume Charles finding his own place isn't viable? So that his roommate no longer affects his risk level? I understand his pov - even with his own room and such at your house, he probably still feels like the expectation will be time together. That isn't the reality (beyond normal date time that he also would want), but that's the shitty thing about anxiety and depression. Reality isn't always that person's reality.

I wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship without any physical contact either. I can't fault you there. It sucks because it's out of anyone's control. You can't help your need for connection and he can't help his need for space.

No, it's not viable for him to get his own place. It's just too expensive. He lives with two roommates.

The expectation wasn't time together when he was here before. I know he had a relationship crash and burn when he moved in with an ex girlfriend and her husband. He claims that isn't the issue but who the fuck knows.

I don't want to end things, but I'm hurting really badly.
 
Maybe he's not willing/able to maintain the level of social distancing that you need, indefinitely? Wearing the respirator everywhere, going to work and then just staying in for risk reduction? If his own risk of complications from catching covid is rather small, that isn't a small thing you are asking there :(
 
Maybe he's not willing/able to maintain the level of social distancing that you need, indefinitely? Wearing the respirator everywhere, going to work and then just staying in for risk reduction? If his own risk of complications from catching covid is rather small, that isn't a small thing you are asking there :(

He’s mostly doing it now. He just goes to work and goes home. He only has his roommates as close contacts, everyone else is online or distanced. And it’s not like he couldn’t leave if he wanted to. This isn’t a prison.

I don’t feel like it’s a big ask. I feel like it’s the only way we will be able to touch each other for the foreseeable future.
 
What makes you and Charles so high risk?

Charles is not high risk. He’s young and healthy. I am, and Henry is. We are in isolation on advice of medical professionals. It’s been 145 days in isolation. I’m cracking up a bit but I don’t want to die. And I don’t think I could live through Henry dying.
 
I'm sorry this is happening. :(

I don't know if it helps to see what you wrote in a bullet list. FWIW, here is how it looks to me. I quote just to block it off visually.


Charles was supposed to move in with us when the pandemic shut everything down, but his depression grew so severe he was having physical symptoms so he wasn't able to do so until seven weeks later. At that point he did come to stay with us but it was for more like 3-4 weeks before his work reopened and he was working with the public again.

How is his health holding up?

Our risk assessment means we do not go out and we do not interact with people outside our household, period.

  • So since then I have only seen Charles via socially distanced visits
  • Charles has been making a concerted effort to stay connected
  • He texts and calls more often
  • He tries to come for a socially distanced visit at least once a week.

Henry and I were trying so hard to find a way to get him into our bubble again.

  • we gave him one of our reusable N95 masks to wear at work instead of his cloth mask
  • We suggested he come back and stay with us for as long as he likes.
  • I told him this wasn't presenting him with a fair accompli- that I care about his thoughts and feelings and needs, and that whatever he needed to make this workable, it was on the table.
  • He told me that he needed to sleep on it, that it wasn't really about us but his need to have and be in his own space.
  • I reiterated that whatever he thought he needed, we could try to work with it.

RESULT

He hasn't yet totally decided, but is leaning toward his own space.

If it ends up that he needs his own space, you don't want to work with that.

You are thinking about breaking up because you think he doesn't care/love you.

But you really don't want to break up. You really want to ________. (What would you put there?)

I feel like after two years, that he won't even come to be with me in the middle of a pandemic because we have no other options to touch?

Look above. He came to stay for a bit until work opened again. Then he had to go back to his place because your house needs low exposure and he works with the public. He is texting more even though that's not his fav way to communicate and he comes over once a week.

If that is not enough, then it isn't enough.

But he is trying and it sounds like he loves you.

I feel like I don't matter to him. He tells me he loves me but it's really hard to feel that way when he'd rather be at home with his roommates than here with me.

You wrote above he is struggling with depression. How much of this is depresssion talk?

And how much is being close but not able to touch, etc dinging him? It clearly is dinging you.

I just don't understand how it can come to this. I love him and he says he loves me. I literally am willing to negotiate just about anything that would make him feel more comfortable and happy. I don't want to break up with him. But I am hurting so badly right now. I don't know what to do.

Then don't break up. And work to accept that what makes him most comfortable and happy right now is maintaining a separate home. I imagine that disappoints you when you so much want him to move in.

You are going to have to find a way to express that and process that. It's not the right move for him, and it's not the right move for your house re: low exposure since even without roomies, he's working with the public a lot.

Not the right move at this time.

We set a time to have a fucking socially distanced conversation tomorrow and I still don't even know what I want to say. I'm not sure breaking up with him will stop the hurting either so maybe it isn't an answer.

You accept whatever his choice is. You say you miss him, you miss hugs, and you wish COVID was over.

As for staying together thru COVID? Only you can decide. Both ways are going to hurt -- staying together or break up. But if you don't like dating Charles thru COVID, and are finding love is not enough to make this sustainable? You can choose to end it. Or keep going and wait and see. Both are hard. You get to pick your hard.

I am so so fucking tired of COVID and what it's doing to us all.

I share that feeling. I'm sure others do also.

Hang in there.
Galagirl
 
I’m parsing what you wrote, GalaGirl. The only place I definitely disagree is about it not being the right move for us because low risk. With the N95 mask on, it’s about as safe as it can be right now. Henry and I agree that if he takes reasonable precautions (showering when he gets home, throwing clothes in the wash) then it’s low risk except for the first time he comes over. We are willing to take that risk. But if he isn’t here there is no point in giving him the N95. If there is an outbreak at work he’s got his two roommates as close contacts so it wouldn’t help him at all.

For the rest... I don’t know. I don’t know if this is something I can handle. I need touch. I don’t feel loved without it. And it hurts so much to sit two metres away and not be able to touch him.

But I love him and being with him is a good thing. I’ve never been happier than in the times when I’m with both him and Henry. It’s like the world makes sense then. Walking away from that is hard. But I’m suffering now.
 
With the N95 mask on, it’s about as safe as it can be right now. Henry and I agree that if he takes reasonable precautions (showering when he gets home, throwing clothes in the wash) then it’s low risk except for the first time he comes over. We are willing to take that risk. But if he isn’t here there is no point in giving him the N95. If there is an outbreak at work he’s got his two roommates as close contacts so it wouldn’t help him at all.
Has he tried already to spend a whole hot work day in the mask? That can get rough on breathing. Even if you were not to break up and he were to move in, that's something that needs a real-life trial first.

Sorry for being that ... practical ... I do feel for you.
 
With the N95 mask on, it’s about as safe as it can be right now. Henry and I agree that if he takes reasonable precautions (showering when he gets home, throwing clothes in the wash) then it’s low risk except for the first time he comes over. We are willing to take that risk. But if he isn’t here there is no point in giving him the N95. If there is an outbreak at work he’s got his two roommates as close contacts so it wouldn’t help him at all.


Well... if you and Henry find it low risk enough... could you schedule Charles to come spend a weekend? Then not do it again til 2+ weeks out? That's something you could bring up when you talk. Not moving in, but an overnight with reasonable precautions.

For the rest... I don’t know. I don’t know if this is something I can handle. I need touch. I don’t feel loved without it. And it hurts so much to sit two metres away and not be able to touch him.

Yes. It hurts, esp if you are a "touch" person.

But I love him and being with him is a good thing. I’ve never been happier than in the times when I’m with both him and Henry. It’s like the world makes sense then. Walking away from that is hard. But I’m suffering now.

Yes. Very hard. :(


Galagirl
 
I'm sorry you're suffering. As a poly person, it really sucks when we lose the "extra" partner. I know you love Henry very much, as I love Pixi very much, but Charles is just as important for your fulfillment and balance.

I've lost the ability to date others. It happened even before Covid, but it's because of my age and how I want to date younger men with libidos, and not impotent old fashioned men close to my own age. It's been a huge adjustment and it hurts a lot. I was having trouble dating men in their 40s or early 50s. I'm seen as a freak or a fetish to some, while I am just still me, to Pixi and to myself.

I've lost partners over the years for many unfortunate reasons, some to do with their health issues, physical or mental/emotional. Even if I really loved them, and they seemingly loved me, the relationships needed to end. It's fucking devastating. I just want to tell you I empathize.

In a way, your situation also reminds of me of old movies during WWII, when a soldier goes off to war, and his gf/fiancee says, "I'll wait for you!" And she waits. Or... she doesn't wait. Either way, the relationship is sustained only by letters and very occasional leaves where she gets to see her sweetheart for a couple of days, then he's back to the front and the danger.

This pandemic is like a war, or a siege. Some people have lost all income, can't pay rent, can't buy food, can't afford healthcare, are having their savings wiped out from expensive Covid treatments. It can always be worse than how we have it.
 
If you got his roommates to also wear N95s, their risk and Charles would be equal so it wouldn't be as risky for him to officially live there but stay for (maybe longer) visits at your place? I mean honestly it's possible to live fairly socially distanced from roommates, especially if you have your own bedroom and bathroom. Not ideal, but possible. (This was something Artist and I were discussing after AW had her breaking quarantine moment...)
 
Friend of a friend was told to stay in completely. She has Type 2 Diabetes. Her GP has just told her that since May, they've known that only people with insulin dependent Diabetes (Type 1 or 2) are at extremely high risk and she could have been distancing all this time.
 
Hi Vicki,

Breaking up with Charles does sound a little extreme, is there any middle ground? Like maybe you could do a temporary or trial separation, like maybe you could cease contact for a couple of months, or even until the Covid crisis is over. At which point you could decide whether resuming the relationship is something both of you want to do. I'm sure even a temporary break would hurt a lot, but maybe it wouldn't have quite the same weight of finality that breaking up would have. Maybe it would sting less, I don't know.

I could be wrong but I believe that Charles still loves you. He just also needs a lot of space, especially when he is depressed. Seeing you a couple of days a week was something he could handle; living with you is just something he could not negotiate. Mentally. Like it would psych him out, does that make sense?

Covid really sucks, I hate what it's doing to all of us. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
icesong, there is no reasonable way to request that his housemates wear N95 masks all the time. The reusable ones we have are very expensive and you have to change out the filter every two weeks. Also, I mean, they get to decide their own levels of social interaction. I'm aware that we are taking more precautions than most people. Charles is not going out, but the roommates are still going out with friends in the bubble. We don't do that.

Magdlyn, yeah, I get that. My ex husband was on the road for much of the time. I always swore I would never do that again because it's too hard for me. I know that other people have it worse right now, but that doesn't mean I can cope like this.

He came over today and we had a long talk. I was expecting to have to end things, or feeling like I needed to so that I could take care of myself. I was surprised when he told me that my reaction to his thoughts planted the seed that maybe he really does need to deal with the crazy this time. That he recognizes that he has to be willing to compromise too for things to work. And when we talked about it, he recognized that the stuff that's bothering him is the boogeyman- it's not logical stuff, it's stuff he will have to work through on his own. He was able to explain a lot of it to me, though, and that helps too.

He said he wants to try. He doesn't want to lose us. We both cried, and it was a hard conversation without being able to touch, that's for sure. So tentatively, he is planning for next week. Things could go wrong in the meantime, but for now at least I have hope.
 
It sounds like he is willing to come and live with you after all, am I reading that right? If so, that is really good news. I hope he is able to exorcise some of his demons.
 
Yes, he's going to come to stay for an undefined period of time. We'll see how it works out. If it doesn't, he can always go back home.

Galagirl, we'd be prepared to take the risk once, not multiple times. There is no way for him to be low risk enough to come back and forth, unfortunately. That was the whole reason we proposed this.
 
Awesome news! Hope it works :)
 
I'm so glad that's the conclusion ya'll came to.
 
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