Crash course Dom for idiots

grant37

New member
So I'm naturally a take charge kinda guy at work and socially, but naturally pretty laid back really. Never done any kind of BDSM. It's been requested I learn... What's the best sources. YT and Google sucked.

TELL ME NOW!

That's me, "trying", see I know nothing

-Grant
 

TXretired

Active member
FetLife might be a better location to ask that question. While there may be dabblings with BDSM, the poly population has a different focus (opinion).
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Presumably this is a partner or potential partner who is interested? What, specific, aspects is she interested in? BDSM is a huge range of dynamics and activities, so having a place to start from might help.
 

PinkPig

Active member
So I'm naturally a take charge kinda guy at work and socially, but naturally pretty laid back really. Never done any kind of BDSM. It's been requested I learn... What's the best sources. YT and Google sucked.

TELL ME NOW!

That's me, "trying", see I know nothing

-Grant

My suggestion is to see if there are any kink spaces or communities near you. If so, some of them offer introductory classes. It's not something you can just jump in feet first, imo. At least not if you want to do it safely and ethically.
 

Evie

Mod
Hey Grant, ignore that comment about being hung. It's completely irrelevant. Being a Dom has nothing to do with penis size.
 

Evie

Mod
My D-type partners and friends wouldn't actually say there are benefits to it, just like I don't find any benefit in being an s-type. It's just who we are and how we relate to each other. It actually narrows the dating pool if you only want to date your counterparts, and then finding someone compatible...ooof, not common.

And it's hard work to keep bringing the energy of the dynamic to the front when the rest of life becomes demanding.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Well that’s good to hear. I thot it was a penis size thing. What’s the bennies of being a dom?
It’s not about “bennies” nor endowment no matter how crudely you might put it. It’s a relationship - for lack of a better analogy, when done properly it’s a dance. Yes, the Dom leads and the submissive follows - but the submissive chooses to follow because they trust the Dom. It’s about trust more than anything, but chemistry is part of it too.
 

Mbalmr71

New member
BDSM can be a magical and wonderful experience if you do it right. First thing you should know about being a DOM is that you must truly be a giver. You are taking 100% responsibility for the pleasure and safety of your partner. You also have to be very intuitive and in touch with your partner on a mental level. The benefits of BDSM for the sub are experiencing complete surrender, being able to focus 100% on your own sensations. The benefits of being a DOM are bringing someone to that level of pleasure, teaching and helping them expand their limits and horizons. I cannot adequately describe how amazing it is if you are in the right headspace. However, I think it is anywhere from unwise to unsafe for a novice DOM to jump right in unprepared. Having a type A personality in your vanilla life does not make you an instant match for a great Dom. In my experience it is more of a hurdle.

The good news is that there is a lot more out there these days to get yourself educated. First off, porn is not where you want to go to learn. Take a look at www.evilmonk.org. This is one of the best sites I have seen with a wide variety of info from history to articles and such. Ambrose does a pretty amazing job. The next thing I would recommend is to look on FetLife and find out when there may be a munch (Meet and Greet) in your area and go make some friends.

One last little tidbit I will give you. Spend some time delving into the two different BDSM "formats". There is SSC or Safe, Sane and Consensual as well as RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink. The latter is the riskier, more extreme version that tends to deal a lot more in scenes that include things that SSC folks will not touch, such as blood play and more extreme medical play. SSC tends to follow a line that everything is all in good fun if everyone agrees beforehand and nobody walks away with any marks that will not go away in a couple days.

Good Luck!!
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
One last little tidbit I will give you. Spend some time delving into the two different BDSM "formats". There is SSC or Safe, Sane and Consensual as well as RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink. The latter is the riskier, more extreme version that tends to deal a lot more in scenes that include things that SSC folks will not touch, such as blood play and more extreme medical play. SSC tends to follow a line that everything is all in good fun if everyone agrees beforehand and nobody walks away with any marks that will not go away in a couple days.
I mostly agree with everything you said (though I desperately want to move evilmonk.org into a website design that's of this century, let alone this decade). and I want to 100% reiterate that porn is NOT where you want to learn about this stuff (I've talked to more women who have dealt with dudes trying to pull actually dangerous shit they saw in porn as though it was a normal part of vanilla sex - choking anyone? - without even discussing it beforehand because they saw it happen in porn...) Philosophically, though, I somewhat disagree with your characterization of RACK vs SSC, and here's why:

Realistically, nothing is *ever* completely safe. Not kink, not vanilla sex, not even getting in the car on the way to a date. Yet, we choose to take these risks all the time because the potential rewards and benefits are judged to be more important than the risk of an adverse event combined with the likelihood of it happening. I'd like to think we are aware of these risks though I think we ignore them often - I mean, how often do you REALLY calculate the likelihood of having a car accident, right?

So calling kink "safe" is... disingenuous at best - and quite frankly not what I *want* out of my kink. I'm not into anything particularly extreme, no, but that sense of "something unexpectedly bad could happen" is the thing kink shares with rollercoasters, y'know? I'd FAR rather be aware of how likely that thing is... Thus, RACK and not SSC.
 

Evie

Mod
I agree with a lot of what Mbalmr71 says. My safety in scene is largely resting on my D type, but if I notice something go wrong, I'm also expected to communicate that asap. That's what safe words are for.

There are also nuances when the d-type is also a sadist, but either way, the ability to read your partner (body language, facial expression, sound) is of utmost importance. D-types of any flavour really need to hone this skill.

I'll add to the acronyms since I tend to practice PRICK, personal responsibility, informed consensual kink.

Having a type A personality in your vanilla life does not make you an instant match for a great Dom. In my experience it is more of a hurdle.

Amen!
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
There are also nuances when the d-type is also a sadist, but either way, the ability to read your partner (body language, facial expression, sound) is of utmost importance. D-types of any flavour really need to hone this skill.
Arguably I'd say people who want to be in relationships, kinky or not, need to hone this skill - IMO it's what takes even vanilla sex from "good" to OMG", and there are a lot of people that think just "learning moves", Cosmo-article-style will make you a deity in bed and that's just not true.
 

Mbalmr71

New member
I mostly agree with everything you said (though I desperately want to move evilmonk.org into a website design that's of this century, let alone this decade). and I want to 100% reiterate that porn is NOT where you want to learn about this stuff (I've talked to more women who have dealt with dudes trying to pull actually dangerous shit they saw in porn as though it was a normal part of vanilla sex - choking anyone? - without even discussing it beforehand because they saw it happen in porn...) Philosophically, though, I somewhat disagree with your characterization of RACK vs SSC, and here's why:

Realistically, nothing is *ever* completely safe. Not kink, not vanilla sex, not even getting in the car on the way to a date. Yet, we choose to take these risks all the time because the potential rewards and benefits are judged to be more important than the risk of an adverse event combined with the likelihood of it happening. I'd like to think we are aware of these risks though I think we ignore them often - I mean, how often do you REALLY calculate the likelihood of having a car accident, right?

So calling kink "safe" is... disingenuous at best - and quite frankly not what I *want* out of my kink. I'm not into anything particularly extreme, no, but that sense of "something unexpectedly bad could happen" is the thing kink shares with rollercoasters, y'know? I'd FAR rather be aware of how likely that thing is... Thus, RACK and not SSC.
icesong,

I agree, I think I was struggling to oversimplify the two distinctions. I probably should have addressed the philosophical differences or just left that part out.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
So I'm naturally a take charge kinda guy at work and socially, but naturally pretty laid back really. Never done any kind of BDSM. It's been requested I learn... What's the best sources. YT and Google sucked.

TELL ME NOW!

That's me, "trying", see I know nothing

-Grant
What made you think a poly board was a good place to ask for a crash course on how to be a Dom? Didn't Fetlife pop up in your search?
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
What made you think a poly board was a good place to ask for a crash course on how to be a Dom? Didn't Fetlife pop up in your search?
Given that a lot of us mention kink in various other entries, it might make sense that we would have curated recommendations rather than the randomness that is Fetlife… not to mention the part where the ads can be kind of…off-putting at best.
 
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