Curious, but it's hitting hard

[Stuck]

Hi All,

I'm new here, and looking for some advice. I am in no doubt that the things I am going to ask have been asked 1000 times before, but I still have to ask them. So...

My partner and I have been together for 12 years, me (M) partner (F). My partner is openly bisexual. I am unsure. My partner wants to go down the road of polyamory. I have always believed in monogamy.

This has sparked a mixture of emotions, as you can imagine. We have had a lot of open discussions, truths, where we are at, etc. While I am curious about the possibilities, I have a major hang up! My issue is with my partner having sexual intimacy with other men. The hang-up is only men-related. This issue is driving me crazy!

I would like to know how others have coped/dealt with this issue.

Regards,
Mat

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Mat,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

That men-related hang-up is a tough one, we've seen it lots of times here and it's a real problem. I see it as part of our monogamous programming, like you are supposed to be your partner's one and only, like her one and only man.

It's hard to think of words to say to you that would convince you that it's okay for your partner to be with other men. Maybe one thing I would have you consider, is that all men are different, every man is unique, there's no need for you to be replaced by another man. But I don't know, are you afraid that your partner will replace you?

We'll try to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Bobbi]

Hi All,

I'm new here, and looking for some advice. I am in no doubt that the things I am going to ask have been asked 1000 times before, but I still have to ask them. So...

My partner and I have been together for 12 years, me (M) partner (F). My partner is openly bisexual. I am unsure. My partner wants to go down the road of polyamory. I have always believed in monogamy.

This has sparked a mixture of emotions, as you can imagine. We have had a lot of open discussions, truths, where we are at, etc. While I am curious about the possibilities, I have a major hang up! My issue is with my partner having sexual intimacy with other men. The hang-up is only men-related. This issue is driving me crazy!

I would like to know how others have coped/dealt with this issue.

Regards,
Mat

Try to unpack exactly what the problem or fear is. Ask yourself questions and see how your body feels when you think of answers. Typical things that might run through your head are:

What if his penis is bigger than mine?
What if he ejaculates inside of her?
What if he makes more money, has a bigger house, a more respectable career?
What if he falls in love with her? What if she falls in love with him?
What if he has a better butt, hair, smile, etc.?
What if he's funnier, more charismatic, outgoing, etc.?
What if she loves him more?
What if she leaves me?
What if he pleases her better than I do? More orgasms, stronger orgasms, etc.?

Then ask similar questions about possible female partners. Why are the answers any different?

Once you can unpack what the real feeling or thought is, then we can better give feedback.

 

[Stuck]

Try to unpack exactly what the problem or fear is. Ask yourself questions and see how your body feels when you think of answers. Typical things that might run through your head are:

What if his penis is bigger than mine?
What if he ejaculates inside of her?
What if he makes more money? Has a bigger house? More respectable career?
What if he falls in love with her? What if she falls in love with him?
What if he has a better butt, hair, smile, etc?
What if he's funnier, more charismatic, outgoing, etc.?
What if she loves him more?
What if she leaves me?
What if he pleases her better than I do? More orgasms, stronger orgasms, etc.?

Then ask similar questions about possible female partners. Why are the answers any different?

Once you can unpack what the real feeling or thought is, then we can better give feedback.

Thanks for the reply. Your list is very accurate. I think my main hang-ups are:

What if his penis is bigger than mine?

This one also includes a better, fitter body.

What if he pleases her better than I do? More orgasms, stronger orgasms, etc.?

These two points are the primary things going through my mind.

Then ask similar questions about possible female partners. Why are the answers any different?

As bad as this may sound, I don't feel any threat from females.

I know this all boils down to me being insecure. I just don't know how to process things in a way that would be able to calm my mind.

Now, I must point out that nothing is happening. This is purely hypothetical, but it is something that i may likely face at some point. I have done therapy and the lessons learnt were valuable, but reality is a different kettle of fish.

Regards,
Mat

 

[Stuck]

Greetings Mat,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

That men-related hang-up is a tough one, we've seen it lots of times here and it's a real problem. I see it as part of our monogamous programming, like you are supposed to be your partner's one and only, like her one and only man.

It's hard to think of words to say to you that would convince you that it's okay for your partner to be with other men. Maybe one thing I would have you consider, is that all men are different, every man is unique, there's no need for you to be replaced by another man. But I don't know, are you afraid that your partner will replace you?

We'll try to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Thanks for your reply.

As sad as it sounds, I am glad I am not the only one with this issue. It somehow makes me feel better knowing it's not just me.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for the reply. Your list is very accurate. I think my main hang-ups are:

This one also includes a better, fitter body.

These two points are the primary things going through my mind.

As bad as this may sound, I don't feel any threat from females.

I know this all boils down to me being insecure. I just don't know how to process things in a way that would be able to calm my mind.

We can help you with some tools to help you process and calm your mind. The things we offer might help you open your mind to consenting to polyamory, but actually doing it will be the test.

I have to disagree, that it's just about your being insecure, like on a personal level, that makes you fear other men being with your wife. What is actually going on, in a case where the fear of another male is so extreme, but the fear of a female is absent, is very layered. Excuse my long-windedness:

First of all, we have had 5000 years of patriarchy. It's not gone yet. It's only been loosening its grip slightly in the past 150 years, because of things like available birth control, women's right to vote, and women's ability to earn a living wage. These have been hard-won rights which have taken literal blood, sweat, tears, arrests, jail terms, women being locked up in mental institutions for being "crazy" to ask for their rights, etc., etc.

Anyway, the patriarchy hurts men as well as women. You fear other men. You have been taught to be in competition with other men. Women making love with each other is not a threat, because women can't get other women pregnant, and therefore there would be no inheritance issues. (This has changed in recent years now that same sex marriage is legal, however.)

The patriarchy only really benefits the top echelon of men. Lower-class men are harmed by it.

Men are taught that having two women together sexually is "hot," and something good to masturbate to. There's plenty of porn to back this up. But another man fucking your woman? A better-looking guy, with a bigger penis? Perish the thought. You'd be a cuckold! You wouldn't be considered a real man if your male friends found out you were "letting" another man fuck "your" woman.

See how this makes your female partner into your possession? It robs her of her rights to make choices about her own body. You assume you own her body and can tell her what she can do with it.

For 5000 years, a father owned his daughter, and transferred ownership to another man, literally giving her to him in what we now call marriage, just as a man could give another man a cow or a goat. This has changed. Women own themselves now (at least in Western countries). Women do not have to submit to arranged marriages, with the man her father chooses for her. And she has the right to divorce a man, even of her own choosing, if things don't work out.

Anyway, I could go on and on. My point is, the feelings you are having are not just personal insecurity. There are 5000 years of patriarchal thought and rule behind them. Modern polyamory is a feminist concept. Worldwide, about 10% of countries have legal polygamy, all of which is one man with several women. This is actually technically polygyny, but it's so common we call it polygamy, multiple marriage.

However, some non-Western peoples did not have a patriarchal rule. Many Native American societies had matriarchies, or at least sexual equality.

The patriarchy is not natural or good. It's unbalanced and its time is at an end.

I hope this helps with your understanding and hang-ups and feelings of going crazy just a bit.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. Others have already shared good thoughts. I'll just add some of mine in case it helps you any.

What if his penis is bigger than mine?

If you worry about his penis being bigger, remember, you can shop. Be a three penis guy, if you want, with whatever nature blessed you with and whatever you want to put in 2 thigh harnesses. Remember you have a tongue and fingers. Whatever sex toys you and partner want to play with, you can do that.

Sharing sex goes beyond "penis going into mouth, vaginal or anal openings." Shared pleasure can happen in a lot of ways. And note I say "share sex" and "shared pleasure," and not "get laid" or "orgasm."

I'm just NOT going to orgasm at certain times of the month. That's just what it is for me. I can masturbate with all kinds of things, share sex, and nope, no orgasm. That doesn't mean I can't have a good time. It just means my orgasm is not a goal. So some dude just humping and pumping, trying to get me to orgasm, even though I say it's not gonna happen? Just so HE can have an ego boost from trying to get me to ANYWAY, to prove his studliness to himself? Total turn off to me, because it is not shared pleasure then, is it? He's not even listening. I don't care how big his penis is, if he's here treating me like a sex toaster that's just dispensing sex and orgasms for his jollies. I'm not a machine.

What kind of sex sharer are you? Do you think about it as "shared sex" and how you participate as a lover?

If you worry about a better, fitter body-- fit for what? We don't all have to be like a professional athlete. But if you want to get fitter for rollerskating, hiking, gardening, whatever activities you and partner enjoy, you can do that.

What if he pleases her better than I do? More orgasms, stronger orgasms, etc.?

You request an agreement that you two will stick to sharing about sex-health info basics, like safer sex practices and labs, and NOT overshare details like that. Other partners may not have consented to that, so it would be a violation of their privacy. She could not blab too much information about what you look like naked, or what sex is like in the (you + her) dyad to other people, without your consent to tell and their consent to hear. It is not only her info; it belongs to you too; and the ears belong to the receiver. Just because you are okay with her telling doesn't mean they are with okay hearing it. The same goes for you. Just because other people are okay with her telling doesn't mean your ears consent to hear.

You do not blab TMI about her to other people you date without her consent to tell and their consent to hear.

Over here in THIS dyad, you have opportunity to learn more about sex ed in general and talk to partner and ask what pleases her at THIS chapter of life. I will tell you right now, the stuff I liked in my teens and 20s is way different than what I wanted when I was pregnant, and now, in perimenopause. You might reflect on how your preferences have changed over time, too.

As bad as this may sound, I don't feel a threat from females.

Mags touched on how the patriarchy can hurt people, including men. I find it annoying how many people buy into the idea that "men are only good for their dick and their wallet."

The human brain is also sometimes an odd place. Sometimes it can be like, "I don't even have female equipment. It's not like I could compete there," so you are able to relax a bit more at the idea of her sharing sex with women, because it's apples to oranges. But you do worry about men, because you DO have male equipment and you're worried she'll be comparing apples to apples.

Other times it goes the other way for guys, like, "OMG! I don't even have female equipment! It's not like I could even compete! Now what?!" And they worry about the idea of their female partner sharing sex with women, because it's apples to oranges. But they feel more okay with men because they DO know that arena, and feel all right there, and think their own apples are okay. But they have no oranges. Ack!

I know this all boils down to me being insecure. I just don't know how to process things in a way that would be able to calm my mind.

What are you insecure about? You might read "Polysecure" and "Polywise" by Jessica Fern. There are other books, podcasts, websites and other resources. Take your time reading and listening.

Is "polyamory" even the type of non-monogamy you want? It's okay to contemplate polyamory and at the end decide "Okay. I thought about it long and hard. But no. I think it's fine for other people, but it is not for me." You are not obligated to do it.

If you think you could benefit from talking a a poly counselor while you think all this out, you might try seeking one at:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[Stuck]

We can help you with some tools to help you process and calm your mind. The things we offer might help you open your mind to consenting to polyamory, but actually doing it will be the test.

I have to disagree, that it's just about your being insecure, like on a personal level, that makes you fear other men being with your wife. What is actually going on, in a case where the fear of another male is so extreme, but the fear of a female is absent, is very layered. Excuse my long-windedness:

First of all, we have had 5000 years of patriarchy. It's not gone yet. It's only been loosening its grip slightly in the past 150 years, because of things like available birth control, women's right to vote, and women's ability to earn a living wage. These have been hard-won rights which have taken literal blood, sweat, tears, arrests, jail terms, women being locked up in mental institutions for being "crazy" to ask for their rights, etc., etc.

Anyway, the patriarchy hurts men as well as women. You fear other men. You have been taught to be in competition with other men. Women making love with each other is not a threat, because women can't get other women pregnant, and therefore there would be no inheritance issues. (This has changed in recent years now that same sex marriage is legal, however.)

The patriarchy only really benefits the top echelon of men. Lower-class men are harmed by it.

Men are taught that having two women together sexually is "hot," and something good to masturbate to. There's plenty of porn to back this up. But another man fucking your woman? A better-looking guy, with a bigger penis? Perish the thought. You'd be a cuckold! You wouldn't be considered a real man if your male friends found out you were "letting" another man fuck "your" woman.

See how this makes your female partner into your possession? It robs her of her rights to make choices about her own body. You assume you own her body and can tell her what she can do with it.

For 5000 years, a father owned his daughter, and transferred ownership to another man, literally giving her to him in what we now call marriage, just as a man could give another man a cow or a goat. This has changed. Women own themselves now (at least in Western countries). Women do not have to submit to arranged marriages, with the man her father chooses for her. And she has the right to divorce a man, even of her own choosing, if things don't work out.

Anyway, I could go on and on. My point is, the feelings you are having are not just personal insecurity. There are 5000 years of patriarchal thought and rule behind them. Modern polyamory is a feminist concept. Worldwide, about 10% of countries have legal polygamy, all of which is one man with several women. This is actually technically polygyny, but it's so common we call it polygamy, multiple marriage.

However, some non-Western peoples did not have a patriarchal rule. Many Native American societies had matriarchies, or at least sexual equality.

The patriarchy is not natural or good. It's unbalanced and its time is at an end.

I hope this helps with your understanding and hang-ups and feelings of going crazy just a bit.

Thank you for your reply. I must admit the above was not something I was expecting. However, it was very insightful. I think you are right. I think that since monogamy is all I have ever known then, yes, "my" partner rings very true. The replies have I received thus far are most definitely giving me things to consider far beyond what I'd assumed.

 

[Stuck]

I'm sorry you struggle. Others have already shared good thoughts. I'll just add some of mine in case it helps you any.



If you worry about his penis being bigger, remember, you can shop. Be a three penis guy, if you want, with whatever nature blessed you with and whatever you want to put in 2 thigh harnesses. Remember you have a tongue and fingers. Whatever sex toys you and partner want to play with, you can do that.

Sharing sex goes beyond "penis going into mouth, vaginal or anal openings." Shared pleasure can happen in a lot of ways. And note I say "share sex" and "shared pleasure," and not "get laid" or "orgasm."

I'm just NOT going to orgasm at certain times of the month. That's just what it is for me. I can masturbate with all kinds of things, share sex, and nope, no orgasm. That doesn't mean I can't have a good time. It just means my orgasm is not a goal. So some dude just humping and pumping, trying to get me to orgasm, even though I say it's not gonna happen? Just so HE can have an ego boost from trying to get me to ANYWAY, to prove his studliness to himself? Total turn off to me, because it is not shared pleasure then, is it? He's not even listening. I don't care how big his penis is, if he's here treating me like a sex toaster that's just dispensing sex and orgasms for his jollies. I'm not a machine.

What kind of sex sharer are you? Do you think about it as "shared sex" and how you participate as a lover?

If you worry about a better, fitter body-- fit for what? We don't all have to be like a professional athlete. But if you want to get fitter for rollerskating, hiking, gardening, whatever activities you and partner enjoy, you can do that.



You request an agreement that you two will stick to sharing about sex-health info basics, like safer sex practices and labs, and NOT overshare details like that. Other partners may not have consented to that, so it would be a violation of their privacy. She also should not blab too much information about what you look like naked, or what sex is like in the (you + her) dyad to other people, without your consent to tell and their consent to hear. It is not only her info; it belongs to you too; and the ears belong to the receiver. Just because you are okay with her telling doesn't mean they are with okay hearing it. The same goes for you. Just because other people are okay with her telling doesn't mean your ears consent to hear.

You do not blab TMI about her to other people you date without her consent to tell and their consent to hear.

Over here in THIS dyad, you have opportunity to learn more about sex ed in general and talk to partner and ask what pleases her at THIS chapter of life. I will tell you right now, the stuff I liked in my teens and 20s is way different than what I wanted when I was pregnant, and now, in perimenopause. You might reflect on how your preferences have changed over time, too.


Mags touched on how the patriarchy can hurt people, including men. I find it annoying how many people buy into the idea that "men are only good for their dick and their wallet."

The human brain is also sometimes an odd place. Sometimes it can be like, "I don't even have female equipment. It's not like I could compete there," so you are able to relax a bit more at the idea of her sharing sex with women, because it's apples to oranges. But you do worry about men, because you DO have male equipment and you're worried she'll be comparing apples to apples.

Other times it goes the other way for guys, like, "OMG! I don't even have female equipment! It's not like I could even compete! Now what?!" And they worry about the idea of their female partner sharing sex with women, because it's apples to oranges. But they feel more okay with men because they DO know that arena, and feel all right there, and think their own apples are okay. But they have no oranges. Ack!



What are you insecure about? You might read "Polysecure" and "Polywise" by Jessica Fern. There are other books, podcasts, websites and other resources. Take your time reading and listening.

Is "polyamory" even the type of non-monogamy you want? It's okay to contemplate polyamory and at the end decide "Okay. I thought about it long and hard. But no. I think it's fine for other people, but it is not for me." You are not obligated to do it.

If you think you could benefit from talking a a poly counselor while you think all this out, you might try seeking one at:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

HTH!
Galagirl

Thank you for your reply. It was a really good read. There are definitely some good points to think about.

Also, thanks for the reading suggestions. I actually ordered the "Polysecure" book yesterday and it should be arriving today. So looking forward to having a read of that.