Date night snafu

JuneBean

New member
I had a work deadline that I didn’t finish before our date – so we only ate dinner. When we got back, I explained that I just had a bit more work to do. He paced the room as I tried to finish.
 
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dingedheart

Active member
Hi and welcome to the forum😁

Wow ....to me it seems strange that your bf wouldn’t be still hanging onto something that happened months ago. Is he also married or have other GF’s ?

How often or what was your routine pre covid and then what has it become since? Sounds to me like he really counts that time or maybe the physical aspects of your time together. Is he a real linear path type thinker ? This is what I want ....this is what I need this is how I get it.

what specifically is making you feel low about the situation? His being a dick about it ? His not seeing a bigger life picture ie a work commitment. His shallowness and expectations or perception of your relationship as some sort of on call adult entertainment play thing.?
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I tried to explain that just being near him is special to me even when he is working or otherwise busy, but he flat-out said he didn’t share that sentiment.

In the end, what you guys did here was determine that you have a mismatch in expectation (even though it was done via a pout fight). It's important that you take away from this that you view hang-out time differently, and that if you plan on continuing to spend time with this person you're going to need to do it only when you are able to focus completely on them.

Personally I am in agreement with your preference for spending time, that it can be in the same room quiet time, or any number of configurations. I am not one of those people who must maintain eye contact at all times, at least one point of contact must be made at all times, phones must be left in the vault at the appointed time so that no one can get distracted, and any variation from this theme will result in a pouting fit. It's not my jam, and I don't find that people like that gel with me very well.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
I would say that the disagreement was a learning experience - now you know that he doesn't view all time spent together the same as you. You can now decide how you feel about that mismatch.

The withholding of affection though? For months? That's just icky no matter how you look at it and definitely something that needs to be addressed.

The "we're not married" statement to say you HAVE to be fun every second also feels gross to me. So if you're physically ill, depressed, exhausted, needing to work, etc you are useless to him? What a supportive partner! (Sarcasm)

I can't imagine dating someone for TEN YEARS and not having some dates that are just "being together" instead of "doing something together." I love love love just being. Reading together, working independently on solo projects in the same room, one person dozing with head or feet in lap while other reads/works/watches something. How in the world have you two never come across this before?! Honestly just curious. 😁
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
HE's the one who said he was going to exercise during the hours set aside for the date. You thought you'd use that time to finish important work. Then HE changed his mind about exercising. That didn't negate that you still needed that hour to finish up your work.

So this is all your fault how? And he's punishing you why?
 

dingedheart

Active member
Hello! Thank you for your response!

Answering your questions:
Not married and no other GFs.

Our routine pre-covid was to see each other most days.

How much time did you get with each other most days ??

And how has that changed since covid ?

Not that it greatly matters but just wondering if it covid fatigue and frustration and logistical access Of being the bf.

Hmmm -- you summed up why it is making me feel low. Plus the withholding of emotional reciprocity.

Feels nice to be heard, so thank you again.

So basically it’s all of the above plus one more ☹️

I think maybe the overarching lesson in this is over your time together you taught each other how and what you can get away with in terms of behavior. Who‘s sensitive and going to feel bad...who needs to be right and win an argument ...who’s generally the peace maker etc etc.

I think your first mistake was feeling “ crushed “ that he chose to quietly go off to bed and that you hurt his feeling by finishing some work. Sure maybe some recalibrating of expectations or better communications on exactly what needs to be done could have happened but in the grand scheme of things is this worth the battle and the continued retribution.

Does he really feel that entitled or that powerful in this relationship ? Is there a Bdsm dynamic here as well ? Because I‘m getting what his end game is here.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel better for airing that out. I don't see where you hurt anyone's feelings. You had work pending but still managed to fit in a date night with BF. That's what adults sometimes have to do -- juggle work stuff.

To me it seems like much ado about nothing. You both are still hanging on to this? Why?

There was a date planned, you had work. Did you tell him you had work pending and you were going to use his workout time to wrap that up before going over there?

If he chose NOT to work out, where is surprise? You still had work to be doing. So he could make space for that and occupy himself doing something else for 40 min. Watch a movie, play a video game, read a book, cook the dinner. Whatever.

Instead of prioritizing getting work out of the way first, it sounds like you accommodated to have all the date activities first. Is that your habit? Is this part of why he expects you to be "entertaining" all the time -- because you are?

When we got back, I apologized profusely but explained that I just had a bit more work to do. He paced the room like a lost cat as I tried to finish and finally he, without saying a word, just went to sleep.

Why apologize profusely? What terrible thing did you do to him? It's just work.

Why is this a surprise for him and then pacing around with... impatience? Didn't he know this already before you came over? Or was this the first he was hearing about you having pending work?

If he preferred the date be over now so he can get to sleep? He could have asked you to do the work at your home rather than at his place.

I tried to explain that just being near him is special to me even when he is working or otherwise busy, but he flat-out said he didn’t share that sentiment.

Fair enough. People are different and feel different about "parallel play" where one person does one activity and the other does something else while in the same room.

In the end, I didn’t bite my tongue, “okay, then what I understand you to be saying is that I should only be around if I can be fun and entertaining?”

“Yeah, we’re not married,” he responded.

So here might be the place where you have different values and/or different expectations.

Sounds like you do most of the giving/accommodating. Sounds like he withholds affection or emotional reciprocity if things aren't going his way.

Since this was months ago and still bothers you... maybe you are seeing him in a new light?

Galagirl
 
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TXretired

Member
Welcome. Work has to get done. If we are in this game of life, we need to be fluid.
 

icesong

Well-known member
OK, first off the continuing to withhold affection for MONTHS is wildly manipulative. I mean, what does he expect you to do, grovel?

That said, I have a couple questions about the way things went down:

1. How often do y'all see each other? Like, my partner has done the "chill with me because I'm late for a work deadline" thing but we see each other fairly often - at least every weekend plus a weeknight every couple weeks. If I was only going to see him once a month, for instance, I'd be pretty upset if he chose to spend a little of the time we had together on work, unless it was an emergency.

2. The “we’re not married” comment despite a relationship of *****10 years****** is utter and complete bullshit. I mean I shouldn’t judge someone else’s relationship but that was a wildly shallow and insensitive comment. (I mean the real answer to THAT line is “ok we aren’t dating anymore either”, but that may be harsh...)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello JuneBean,

I'm sorry to hear that your date didn't go as well as you hoped ... and it sounds like your partner (of ten years) punished you by withholding affection for months to follow. To me if you have to work, you have to work. It's not like you did it specifically to cheat him of his fun time with you. Hopefully the two of you can work out your disagreements!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
Kev just to let you know and others that follow that she might be in more hot water now because she drastic altered / edited her original post and completely deleted several others.

Eek. I wonder if he found this?
 
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