Dealing with poly feelings while relationship is still closed

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CaptainCharisma

New member
A while back I posted about wanting to open up my relationship with my serious boyfriend, Jay. Unfortunately the more discussion we had about polyamory, the more distressed he felt, and now the issue has been put on the table for the time being.

I'm trying diligently to be patient, but I'm having trouble dealing with my poly feelings when I can't act on them. I don't feel like I can talk to Jay about them because doing so exacerbates his insecurity, which lately has been really stressing our relationship (to the point where he's having doubts about staying together). Jay is my best friend as well as my partner, and I don't really have anyone else to talk to about my feelings. (Perhaps a poly-friendly counselor?)

The longer I wait, especially not knowing when/if our relationship will open up, the more strong these feelings get. I'm longing for connection so much that everyone is starting to seem like a good option... and I mean everyone. I'm not very outgoing, but I find myself wishing I could introduce myself to new people or flirt with the people around me. Not very fair to my current partner. It doesn't help that most of my friends are unattached males that I connect with really well. See the problem?

At first I wanted an additional serious relationship. And I still do. But I also find myself interested in a variety of "casual" sexual experiences... Which is not something I've ever wanted before. So is this just some sexual awakening that comes with becoming an adult, or what? (I'm 21.) What am I supposed to do when every day brings new temptations and new impulses? How can I channel this energy in a way that is still fair to Jay? Or how do I at least talk to him about it, if I can?
 
Welcome back, CaptainCharisma. I remember your previous thread.

I could be wrong, but I personally think that what you might be experiencing is the lure of the forbidden. You're 21, so of course this is a period of sexual awakening too - just one that is likely magnified by feeling trapped in monogamy.

You've been with Jay for... about 8-9 months now, is it? Your feelings about polyamory aren't going to disappear as time goes on. You feel them strongly now, less than one year in. You're also both young. This is the time for exploration if explore is what you want to do. That includes whether you want casual sex or a poly fidelitous V, as you originally wanted. It's perfectly normal to find yourself uncertain! I've been poly for 4 years, I'm 30, and I still go back and forth on my preferences!

I think it's good practice not to let stressful conversations keep hammering down on a relationship. However, this does need to be addressed. Jay can't ethically ignore the topic you've raised, and you can't ethically overlook his resistance and then go ahead behind his back.

My advice is this: You've had time to privately process your feelings about poly longer than Jay has. I would suggest setting a processing period of one month, during which time you hang on in there and Jay gets proactive about reading and thinking it over. Neither of you discuss it during this time, unless Jay himself brings it up. At the end of the month, you both make a decision about what you want.

Remember that breakups, if it comes to that, aren't always final. There are other options, such as going on a break while you explore what you need to explore. All of my relationships have ended with a 'door is not closed' agreement. You both tend to move on if the relationship wasn't right, but you can come back together if being apart gives you both the clarity to change something.
 
How long is for the time being? Have you given him an ETA on how long you will wait?

Also, have you been asked to not flirt? Or is that a self imposed boundary you've chosen because you feel you'd end up cheating?
 
A poly-friendly counselor sounds like a good idea.
 
Vinccenzo said:
How long is for the time being? Have you given him an ETA on how long you will wait?

Also, have you been asked to not flirt? Or is that a self imposed boundary you've chosen because you feel you'd end up cheating?
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I guess technically it's a self-imposed rule, but people (including Jay) have said that I act flirtatiously in general. That and the fact that our relationship wasn't monogamous when we started seeing each other seems to be a big part of why he's nervous. I also disclosed to him that I had cheated in a previous relationship (not something I am proud of). He is worried I'll cheat on him too.

Yesterday I broached the topic again. I waited until we were in a comfortable private setting and both of us in a good mood. I asked him when he would be ready to discuss polyamory, as he had previously said that we should wait until the new year. He pretty much shut me down immediately and said that he didn't think he would ever be ready. I said that I needed to be poly to be myself, that I loved him very much and wanted to share that with him, but that I couldn't wait indefinitely. I also felt kind of misled because he had expressed in the past that if I was patient, he would eventually come around.

That's basically where the conversation reached a stopping point. It seemed clear at the time that neither of us were going to change our mind. I honestly thought that was it, and this was our breakup conversation. But then he had to leave for work, and when he came back all seemed normal. We didn't even address the conversation from earlier. We made dinner together, had a friend over, had a pretty good time together and (I felt) specifically avoided continuing the conversation. I've never felt so strongly attached to someone that no matter how close we got to splitting up amiably, I just couldn't do it. I can't stand the idea of only being friends with him, though in past breakups that's always been a great consolation to me. I really feel like we have so much going for us and are an awesome team, yet this need of mine for polyamory is looming over our heads like a death sentence.
 
So, how long do you think you can wait?

Where do you see yourself in a year? five years? 25 years?

Sure everything's fine as long as polyamory never enters into the discussion. That's what Jay wants. Can you accept that?
 
kdt26417 said:
So, how long do you think you can wait?

Where do you see yourself in a year? five years? 25 years?

Sure everything's fine as long as polyamory never enters into the discussion. That's what Jay wants. Can you accept that?
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All I know for sure is that I can't wait indefinitely. The short-term future is hazy for me--I want to experience flexibility and a freer lifestyle (traveling, working less, etc.) but in the long term, I do still want a more "typical" family life: house, kid, etc.

I talked to Jay again and told him that if I can't date right now, then at the very least I need a safe space to express my poly feelings. That seemed to be a little more palatable for him. And already just from having that conversation, he seems more accepting... Including saying last night that he understood we felt differently and that he just had to have faith that I love him. That, about among other things that he said, made it feel like he had already given me permission. Which is confusing, but gives me hope. Of course, I don't want to do anything until it is really clear that he's agreed to it.
 
I am sorry you continue to struggle.

Could you be willing to clarify some things?

When did you agree to go exclusive with Jay?

Who are your other close friends besides Jay?

This longing for connection -- which kind(s) on the NVC inventory? If you looked at the connection column, which specific connection needs would it be?

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory


In your previous post...

Right now I'm inclined to believe you that Jay and I are better off with a friendship rather than a romance.
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You still incline to believe that?

The rub is that neither of us wants that to be the case, and since this is all unfolding rather unexpectedly, it's hard to believe that this is suddenly the end of something that otherwise was going really well.
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I think that is a life lesson. That love is not enough to run a relationship. There must also be compatible values and shared vision for why you come together and how you come together. Those are the things that outlast the crush stage.

You are in your early 20's... it's age appropriate to be learning that. Right now you both differ in a fundamental -- you want poly shape, he wants mono shape.

I also think it is also a life lesson to realize the "falling in love" / new relationship energy (NRE) hormones wear off after 6-24 mos. You mention you guys are at 7 mos ish. I get that it feels sudden to you.

As an older person, I expect that after the NRE wears off, one has to see if the relationship has more than just that brain chemistry to hold it together. Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is something else. :eek:

The thing that keeps me from moving ahead on this one is that Jay seems like he might eventually come around to polyamory.
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TBH? He doesn't seem like it to me. I think that could be reframed as

"The thing that keeps me from moving ahead on this one is me. Because I keep hoping that Jay might eventually come around to polyamory."

You are not willing to let that hope go at this point in time.

To me from your writing he sounds like he does not want poly, but he wants you, and he struggles with the discrepancy.

Like stonewalling and not wanting to see it/talk about it. (I identify this as "denial" stage of the grief process. )

When that stops working, give an inch...(talking about your feelings) so you still stick around but still haven't broken up. ("bargaining stage")

Have you asked Jay to clarify his position so you can be free of confusion?

At this time...

1) Jay has become willing to TALK about my poly feelings so I am not all clammed up. (For what purpose? More postponing or to move toward poly? What is his intention?)
2) Jay is willing for me to poly DATE and for him to participate in a poly arrangement as my monoamorous partner. in time. (how much time? Or just not willing?)


Once you know his time frame -- then you both have something to hold accountable. If he's not willing to give a time frame -- this is more postponing. It is a "passive no, not willing" and you could take it rather than ignore it.

Could call it a "working no" and go from there. It makes dicernment a whole lot easier. Hard to feel, but makes it a more clear cut path for what to do next.

I think you might be doing your own stages of grief -- and in "bargaining" stage too. :(

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I am sorry you struggle.

Could you be willing to clarify some things?

When did you agree to go exclusive with Jay?

Who are your other close friends besides Jay?

This longing for connection -- which kind(s) on the NVC inventory? If you looked at the connection column, which specific connection needs would it be?

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

Have you asked Jay to clarify his position so you can be free of confusion?

At this time...

1) Jay is willing to TALK about my poly feelings so I am not all clammed up.
2) Jay is willing for me to poly DATE and for him to participate in a poly arrangement as my monoamorous partner.
3) Both 1&2....just over time (how much time for 1? 2?)
4) Only 1

Galagirl
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Jay and I started being exclusive maybe three months into our relationship. But we never saw other people--talked about it, sought it out, I went a lunch date or two, but nothing more than that. And it was not something we discussed much because at that time we didn't have a serious commitment.

I don't have many close friends at the moment. Jay and I made the decision to be sober some time ago, and most of our mutual friends had become heavy drug users. We separated ourselves from these people for our health. I think that's part of the reason that Jay feels dependent on me. I have plenty of people to spend time with independently, but my only really close friends are Jesse, my ex-fiancé who is also one of Jay's best friends; and Perry, a friend that I met a few months ago and had a crush on... Jay was not at all happy about that. I do have a girl friend who is poly and has encouraged me to pursue it. But I don't see her that often because of busy schedules.

I guess I long for a sense of belonging and intimacy. I have a strong desire to have a family. In my mind the ideal family would be a few of my male friends and I. If I was to really examine my psyche, I'd say I want brother figures. In the past I have had groups of male friends like this and it was wonderful. Very emotionally satisfying. Yet they get girlfriends and then suddenly our friendship stops being as close/special, either because the girlfriends feel insecure or my friends become very focused on their relationship.

Although I know I should, I don't want to ask Jay to clarify right away because I'm afraid it will upset the fragility of the situation and he will change his mind. But he did hear me say multiple times that I am choosing polyamory. And when I asked when we would decide what to do, he said that I already made my decision... so it sounds like he basically recognized that I was determined, and decided that he would not leave me over it. Or at least, that's what I would like to think.
 
Jay and I started being exclusive maybe three months into our relationship. But we never saw other people--talked about it, sought it out, I went a lunch date or two, but nothing more than that. And it was not something we discussed much because at that time we didn't have a serious commitment.
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So you actually are NOT Closed right now from having agreed to Close. It was more float along into (not dating others right now)? And you are not willing to say "Hey.... you know we did not actually make an agreement to Close. We just floated into not actively dating others. I want to go ahead and date others actively again. But I want to check in to make sure we are on the same page and give you the heads up."

Although I know I should, I don't want to ask Jay to clarify right away because I'm afraid it will upset the fragility of the situation and he will change his mind.
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Do you mean...


"Although I know I should, I don't want to ask Jay to clarify right away. I am afraid that if I do that, he will withdraw the new offer to talk to me more about how I feel. I am afraid he will change his mind about that and go back to stonewalling."​

Is that it? :confused:

But he did hear me say multiple times that I am choosing polyamory. And when I asked when we would decide what to do, he said that I already made my decision... so it sounds like he basically recognized that I was determined, and decided that he would not leave me over it. Or at least, that's what I would like to think.
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But you don't want to ask for clarification like this to be sure?

"Jay, I get the impression that you are resigned to me polyshipping and you just going along for the ride. Rather than you assertively saying yes and participating out of your own joyful desire to go there. Or you assertively saying no and that you do not want to go there and have to cut me loose so I can be happy going there and you can be happy NOT going there. Is that true?"​

What is your desired outcome here? Polyamory? :confused: I THINK your desired outcome is to move toward polyamory. Well... you could do that.

Having crushes on people -- that never died down for me. It was not a 20's thing. It just IS. My spouse doesn't bat an eye -- he accepts it and is happy to hear about it. That meets my need to be understood in context and accepted.

I think Jay does not meet your connection needs. It's hard to feel "belonging" and "intimacy" with him when he's closed off to parts of you and won't talk about your poly feelings because doing so highlights incompatibilities he doesn't want to address. Or if he DOES talk about your poly feelings now... and it came like a pulling teeth thing?

I can't help but wonder if it feels like "I will listen now so you do not break up with me!" to you. Like it seems to come out of concern what what HE might lose rather than that deep listening being given freely/joyously/generously out of concern for YOUR well-being.

From my POV? If being in relationship with Jay in this shape is burdensome to you because you want to move on to polyamory? Inform him you can no longer do the previous model. You intend to change the relationship shape for you. Ask for his willingness to be friends instead. In other words... You could start moving toward your desired outcome.

I get you want him to come with you too... but that is not on you. His (willingness to poly and ability to poly) belongs to him. He doesn't sound up for poly. Not willing, not able. I would guard against him going along for the ride from fear of losing you. That's not a good way to enter poly.

Otherwise... you guys could choose to do nothing at this time, and let the steam build up more till one of you pops from unmet needs. That also moves things out of inertia too. I don't find is as constructive as communicating about it.... but it does eventually move it out from inertia.

I find actively moving toward something is better to me, but that is me. You have to go how you feel best.

Galagirl
 
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Hi CaptainCharisma,

I actually think it's hopeful that he's opened a dialog about it and showed more faith in general. If you are feeling better about things, then maybe you can continue along the present course unless/until you're feeling anxious about things again.

Perhaps he'd be willing to explore Polyamory.com for himself? (He could register if he wanted.) Or maybe he'd be willing to read a book about poly with you? "More Than Two" is a highly recommended book right now.
 
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