Demanding he break up with his girlfriend.

[Ineedhelp]

Hello all. I’m a 44yr old straight female married for 20yrs to my husband (Henry) and we have two children.

Last year Henry confessed to me that he felt like he was poly and wanted a secondary sexual relationships outside of the marriage. We talked a lot about this and came up with boundaries that worked for everyone and I agreed to it.

I joined an online dating site and In the last year I have had sex with more than 20 people. All the while Henry has not had much success. I think deep down I was hoping he would see me sleeping with people and change his mind.

I now have a boyfriend (Ron) and have been seeing him three times a week, we mostly stay in at his house to watch movies and have sex, which was fine with me until recently.

Recently Henry met a 25 yr old woman “B” whom he has become enthralled with. I frankly think it’s disgusting that he is dating someone 20yrs younger than him but I tried to let that go. B is absolutely stunning. She is petite with large breasts, a bright smile and looks like a very lovely girl. She is everything that I wanted to be when I was 25. And I want her dead.

That last statement was facetious, if you didn’t catch that.

Im very jealous of B, not only does it feel like she is everything that I am not, Henry takes her on incredible dates. Henry and I have always had separate finances and he makes much much more money than I do. Ron is poor and can’t afford to take me out. Henry recently told me they are planning a trip to Italy! I have always wanted to go to Italy!

I asked Henry if Ron and I could go with them and he said no, since Ron can’t afford to contribute. I think the real reason is because I tried to make Henry jealous of Ron but I only did that because I was so jealous of B!! And now Henry is being stingy with money towards Ron which isn’t fair.

I know B fulfills his wildest sexual fantasies. I think they have sex multiple times when she stays over. I know It was a mistake but I demanded information about her and found out that she is multi-orgasmic and the sex is very energetic, and she is tighter than me. I can’t believe I’m trying to compete with a 25yr old woman! This is ridiculous! This is not what I had in mind when I agreed to poly!!

I broke down last night and tried to have a heart to heart with Henry. I confessed I was trying to make him jealous by sleeping with so many people and he called me depraved and deceptive. He said it’s gross to him that I would sleep with people for no other reason.

I’m losing grip. I see him falling into this girl and she into him. They have started communicating solely on snap chat because I caught her sending him nudes and now I have no idea what they say to each other. Every time he looks down at his phone and smirks it makes me crazy!

I am going to demand that he stop seeing her, and I was hoping to get some ideas on what good grounds would be for that. I think the age disparity alone is grounds, and also him spending a disproportionate amount of money on her is completely unfair. I need help on how to convince him that he is in the wrong pursuing this relationship and is ruining our marriage.

Please help me!

 

[FallenAngelina]

I need help on how to convince him that he is in the wrong pursuing this relationship and is ruining our marriage.

Clearly, there is a lot of discord and not-so-healthy thinking that predates all of this. My impression is that the two of you would have been headed for the rocks, with or without poly.

 

[ElMango]

This is a lot to unpack and I was going to go point by point, but in the end I think that you and Henry may not end up working out. There is a lot more wrong here than B (B hasn't done anything wrong.)

I think you guys should get therapy if you want to salvage things

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you feel a bit better for the vent.

You sound like you don't really want to be doing poly and like you feel left out or left behind or something. Is that true?

I mean this kindly, ok?

I suggest before you make things WORSE... take a deep breath.

I'm going to repeat back your story in my own words in time order to make sure I got it right. You correct me ok?

You sound like you act out a lot. It's not working when you do that. So don't do that again.

I joined an online dating site and In the last year I have had sex with more than 20 people. All the while Henry has not had much success. I think deep down I was hoping he would see me sleeping with people and change his mind.

It sounds like you wanted to NOT be doing this. But didn't want to be the one to actually say so. Or maybe you were hurt he'd even suggest it and decided to rub it in. So you were sort of "acting out" at him by sleeping with a bunch of people hoping he'd get jealous and be the one to quit on this idea of open marriage. Out of that set of people Ron emerged as a steady BF for you. Things settled down. You with two partners and Henry trying but not much luck.

Is that how it was?

Then Henry starts dating B and you felt ENVIOUS.

She is petite with large breasts, a bright smile and looks like a very lovely girl. She is everything that I wanted to be when I was 25. And I want her dead

Envy = someone has something you want for yourself

Jealous = you have something you are afraid someone else will take away.

You sound both envious and jealous of B. You envy her figure and whatnot. And you are jealous that Henry is courting her and maybe hasn't courted you in a long time. You were so envious/jealous of B that you started trying to use Ron to make Henry jealous.

Well, you have to accept you are not 25. 25 is gone.

You are 44. Is THIS the best 44 yr old you want to be? Using Ron like a tool to make Henry jealous? Are you proud of that behavior?

If not, how do you want to behave instead?

Henry and I have always had separate finances and he makes much much more money than I do. Ron is poor and can’t afford to take me out.

You guys choose to have your finances separated that way.

You picked Ron out to date. He doesn't make as much money. It is what it is.

Wishing Ron had more money to spend on you on dates? Don't act out about that. If you want to date a rich guy -- go date one!

But don't punish Ron or Henry for their jobs being different.

Henry recently told me they are planning a trip to Italy! I have always wanted to go to Italy!

Did Henry know that? If you want to travel with Henry why not ask direct?

"That's great that you are going to Italy. Do you think later you and I could plan a trip together for us some time too? I would enjoy traveling with you."

I asked Henry if Ron and I could go with them and he said no, since Ron can’t afford to contribute.

Well, he IS allowed to decline when people invite themselves to his stuff.

If he wanted to foot the bill for all he would have invited you as his treat. He didn't.

You are the one trying to insert yourself into their trip there. Are you able to see that?

If Henry is footing the bills for him and B? He was prepared to do that. Now you wanting to add you and Ron? That doubles the bill. Why would Henry get excited about that?

If you were recently trying to use Ron to act out at Henry and make Henry jealous... WHY would he want to bring you two on his trip? Just for you to act out some more at him and make the trip a drag? WHILE he's paying for it all? Jeez.

I think the real reason is because I tried to make Henry jealous of Ron but I only did that because I was so jealous of B!!

So... you felt jealous of B. Didn't like feeling that. So you chose to handle it by using Ron to make Henry feel bad and jealous too. How does that solve anything for anyone? It sounds like everyone is in jealous misery then too.

You might have to stop using people to get to Henry and make him jealous. And find a more constructive way to express your emotions than acting out. What would making Henry jealous achieve for you? Is there a different way to get that?

And now Henry is being stingy with money towards Ron which isn’t fair.

It is possible he views his disposable income as HIS to spend how he wants. And your disposable income is YOURS to spend how you want. It might not be EQUAL if you have different paying jobs, but it seems fair to me.

Him not wanting to spend it on his metamour? That's not being stingy. He's not dating Ron. YOU are.

At my house we have joint, then there his and hers. Joint is for maintaining the home, cars, kids, grocery, our shared stuff etc. Whatever he spends from his for whatever? That's his problem. Whatever I spend out of mine is my problem.

I know B fulfills his wildest sexual fantasies. I think they have sex multiple times when she stays over. I know It was a mistake but I demanded information about her and found out that she is multi-orgasmic and the sex is very energetic, and she is tighter than me. I can’t believe I’m trying to compete with a 25yr old woman! This is ridiculous! This is not what I had in mind when I agreed to poly!!

Why are you so demanding in your marriage? Does this behavior contribute toward a harmonious marriage or to its slow ruin?

I think it is poor form for you to ask TMI details. Esp when that is intruding and just seemed to lead to new upset. You are putting your own hand on the stove. What for?

I think it is poor form for Henry to tell you details. He could have said "No. I practice safer sex. That you NEED to know for your sex health hygiene. What my other partner is like in bed? That's private. Just like I don't tell them how you are in bed."

Better personal boundaries all around would be my suggestion.

But having gone there... what DID you have in mind when you agreed to go poly? Since it sounds like you were mostly sleeping with people to make husband jealous and not really wanting to do poly anyway?

I am going to demand that he stop seeing her, and I was hoping to get some ideas on what good grounds would be for that.

I don't think making demands of a spouse leads to happy marriage. You can request, but you do not DEMAND.

Is that the only way you can talk to Henry? Demanding things? How else do you two communicate?

I think the age disparity alone is grounds.

Not good grounds.

She is over 21. She's not a child. You don't have to dig it. I myself am not keen on big age gaps like that but you know what? The only ones that have to be cool with it are B and Henry.

You aren't the one dating her so she doesn't have to meet YOUR personal dating standard. She has to meet Henry's personal dating standard. She makes the cut for him.

If you demand he dump B because she's too young for him? Who is in charge or Henry's dating choices? You or Henry?

If he was chasing minors around that's ew... but she's of age. She is an adult.

him spending a disproportionate amount of money on her is completely unfair.

Well, is it from his disposable income? Or money that is supposed to go to the mortgage or something? If he's using couple money, that is not right.

If he's using his own disposable income? That's his deal. Not yours.

I need help on how to convince him that he is in the wrong pursuing this relationship and is ruining our marriage.

Do you want to be "right" or do you want to be in "right relationship" with your spouse?

Say this woman goes away somehow.

Then when hubby starts dating someone new again -- you are gonna lose your shit again? Start demanding and acting out to get your way?

If it's that you need help with your jealousy and envy? Get some help with that. Could google links or even try a workbook.

But before you do that... decide if you even really want to be here doing poly or not. If you changed your mind and don't want to be doing poly any more? Tell him so HONESTLY and directly. No "hinting." No acting out. Just plain words.

If you actually were never into it and made the agreement in bad faith and are now regretting it? Rather than keep on acting out or making demands? Be emotionally honest and forthright instead. See if that serves you better.

Apologize for making agreements in bad faith, say you want to stop, and prepare to hear his honest answer back.

Because he might be willing to stop. Or he might not want to stop.

If you discover that you have become incompatible because one wants to stop and the other wants to keep going? Then that might mean you both might be best off parting ways with some dignity rather than perpetuating this cycle of acting out/upset stuff.

Again, I'm really sorry you are hurting.

Yet you don't have to choose to act out at people around you from unhappiness.

You don't have to choose to keep doing poly if it is not the path for you and just fills you with insurmountable rage/jealousy.

You could listen to your feelings that this is NOT the relationship model for you at this time.

You are the one who gets to make your behavior choices. What you will and will not do. And HOW you will participate in the things you do choose to do -- either with destructive behaviors or constructive ones.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

There are no good grounds for you to demand anything. Period.

 

[Magdlyn]

Great advice here.

I have nothing to add to Gala Girl except to say, when my ex h and I broke up, I started poly dating. And the first person I met, was my dear partner Pixi. We have been together 10 years. She was 31 when we met, and I was 53. She was an "old soul" type of 31 though, as she'd had a very hard life and had to really develop coping skills and a huge heart.

I've also dated many younger men, since we are poly, where the age difference was even greater. I kind of felt like I missed out on my 20s of sowing wild oats because I hooked up with my ex h when I was only 19, and spent over 30 years monogamous with him. So I was oddly still attracted to youthful people, not people in my own age bracket. So what? Pixi and I bring wonderful things into each other's lives. We have both grown so much, gained so much wisdom and success. We totally relate to each other far better than my ex h and I did, and we were only 2 years apart.

There are many reasons couples with a large age difference can work out just fine. It can be creepy! But often it really isn't.

Back to your regularly scheduled thread.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Ineedhelp,

I can't think of any way to convince Henry to break up with her ... nothing that would be more convincing than the simple and honest approach. "Henry, I feel like I am competing with a 25-year-old woman, and I don't like it. Please break up with her." I agree with you that it is unfair of him to take her to Italy when he has never done that for you. However, the right way to respond is with a simple request. "Henry, would you be willing to take me to Italy sometime?" If you get angry with him, he is more likely to not want to take you anywhere special.

Going by what you posted, I have to conclude that you don't want to do poly, at all. Doing poly was Henry's idea, you went along with it reluctantly, and then tried to make Henry jealous so that hopefully, Henry would choose to stop the poly. So that didn't work out, and now Henry has B, and probably won't want to give her up. But better late than never; tell him, "Henry, I have found out for myself that I don't really want poly in my life. Could we please both stop practicing poly?" Then of course you have to be prepared for him to say, "No."

I think maybe you and Henry have grown apart, and are no longer compatible with each other. You should discuss whether a divorce would be the best thing for all concerned. It would free you up to marry someone who would be happily monogamous with you. A traditional marriage. No 25-year-olds. If you're going to stay with Henry, you're probably going to need to get used to B being around. I assume there are plenty of things Henry values about you, otherwise he would have already sued for divorce. Think less about what B contributes, and more about what you contribute.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hello all. I’m a 44yr old straight female married for 20yrs to my husband (Henry) and we have two children.

How old are your kids and do they know about the open relationship ?

Last year Henry confessed to me that he felt like he was poly and wanted a secondary sexual relationships outside of the marriage. We talked a lot about this and came up with boundaries that worked for everyone and I agreed to it.

I joined an online dating site and In the last year I have had sex with more than 20 people. All the while Henry has not had much success. I think deep down I was hoping he would see me sleeping with people and change his mind.

How deep down ? And when did this idea dawn on you. Because it sounds like it’s a justification or after thought. If it was a premeditated plan it wouldn’t be deep down.

I now have a boyfriend (Ron) and have been seeing him three times a week, we mostly stay in at his house to watch movies and have sex, which was fine with me until recently.

Why isn’t it fine with you any longer ? What happened ?

Recently Henry met a 25 yr old woman “B” whom he has become enthralled with. I frankly think it’s disgusting that he is dating someone 20yrs younger than him but I tried to let that go. B is absolutely stunning. She is petite with large breasts, a bright smile and looks like a very lovely girl. She is everything that I wanted to be when I was 25. And I want her dead.

That last statement was facetious, if you didn’t catch that.

I did catch that and I laughed.

Are the breast real? ....I think if they’re fake you can knock off a few points. Just sayin
.

Im very jealous of B, not only does it feel like she is everything that I am not, Henry takes her on incredible dates. Henry and I have always had separate finances and he makes much much more money than I do. Ron is poor and can’t afford to take me out. Henry recently told me they are planning a trip to Italy! I have always wanted to go to Italy!

Is Henry an incredible guy ? Is he super interesting or funny or charming ?? This might be his way or idea on how to keep a 25 yr interested. Dazzle. However that said he may just feel more inspired and enthusiastic around her.
I know when I dated a poly women her husband vetoed me because he thought I was doing extravagant date / things to me those weren’t that extravagant.

I asked Henry if Ron and I could go with them and he said no, since Ron can’t afford to contribute. I think the real reason is because I tried to make Henry jealous of Ron but I only did that because I was so jealous of B!! And now Henry is being stingy with money towards Ron which isn’t fair.

Would you really want to go on a romantic vacation with them. And having the purse strings being held by Henry ?? AND why does Henry need to pay for your lover or lovers. ???

I know B fulfills his wildest sexual fantasies. I think they have sex multiple times when she stays over. I know It was a mistake but I demanded information about her and found out that she is multi-orgasmic and the sex is very energetic, and she is tighter than me. I can’t believe I’m trying to compete with a 25yr old woman! This is ridiculous! This is not what I had in mind when I agreed to poly!!

What did you have in mind when you agreed to poly ?

I am going to demand that he stop seeing her, and I was hoping to get some ideas on what good grounds would be for that. I think the age disparity alone is grounds, and also him spending a disproportionate amount of money on her is completely unfair. I need help on how to convince him that he is in the wrong pursuing this relationship and is ruining our marriage.

DEMAND and finding grounds seem funny and extreme long shot. In fact I can’t see a faster way to push him closer to her by dong such. Good luck with that plan.

 

[Marcus]

I am going to demand that he stop seeing her, and I was hoping to get some ideas on what good grounds would be for that.

I wonder what grounds she decided on? I immediately thought, "insanity"?

 

[Evie]

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