Discussion on Boundaries + Exploring Poly.

[MistressSapiosexual]

As both my spouse (28) and myself (31), are new to exploring the poly-style relationships/open marriage, and even though we have been discussing it and looking into it more for the last six months, from other's experience, what types of boundaries are realistic within these style relationships? What specific points need to be addressed in the discussion before actually pursuing this style of relationship?
And, yes, as being a bdsm switch, I am aware that these style relationships can look different from couple to couple, person to person, etc., as it is often the same for couples who are active in the bdsm community as well.

Just wandering what tips everyone would share regarding a discussion on establishing realistic boundaries, on discussing poly itself more as we progress with our discussion, what aspects we may have missed, and perhaps how to explore this when each of us seems to want to explore different styled poly relationships in general you could say.

 

[Evie]

Hosting is a pretty important one. What will be your agreements around who has other partners over and when, or will your home be off limits? I'd you do have people over, do you have a guest room, or is your bedroom okay to use with others? If you don't have people over, how will you budget for accomodation? Do you already have individual discretionary spending money, or do you need to sort this out?

Do you have any limits on issues like pregnancy with other partners? What about time sharing? How much time could you allocate to dating? What if dating becomes a full blown relationship? What needs to be done at home first so one person isn't left with all the chores while there other is out with their other significant other?

There's so much more, but these are a start.

All the best with your opening up process.

 

[Magdlyn]

First of all, understand what a boundary is. You don't get to decide what your partner's/partners' boundaries are, just your own.

In your other post you said you are a BDSM switch, and your name is "Mistress." If you plan to look for switch or sub partners, is your spouse fine with that? Is he OK with bruises on your body if you like pain?

If anyone is having intercourse, most poly couples rightly agree to use condoms with new people, at least at first, and to get everyone tested for STIs.

How much info is too much? You need to figure out how to be honest and open as you renegotiate your relationship agreement, without giving TMI. Some people go all the way to "Don't ask don't tell," while others are happy to hear more intimate details.

Can you set a time limit on texting or phone calls when you're meant to be having quality time with your spouse, even if you're in the throes of NRE with a new person?

Do you have kids? If you do, how will you explain Mom or Dad's new special friends, or new schedule for going out or going away without their spouse?

Make sure you keep up with personal care, household maintenance, car maintenance, yard work, and other such responsibilities.

Make sure you keep dating your spouse so they don't feel pushed aside and neglected.

One more that comes up, especially now is, who gets to go where for holiday celebrations?

 

[GalaGirl]

There was a recent thread where I wrote a bit about "boundaries" and "agreements." Maybe that helps you as well.

Remember that you create personal boundaries for YOU to obey to help keep you safe. They are not for other people to obey.

• Ex: I will not share sex without using safer sex practices. (That helps keep up your health hygiene.)

If you are talking about reasonable and rational agreements with partner(s) when practicing poly together? It on all of you to decide what those are.

• Ex: We all agree not to try to date each other's "messy people list."

Like each other's parents, boss, roomie, best friend, etc. There's enough people in the word to date without aiming for the ones that would make a big mess.

What specific points need to be addressed in the discussion before actually pursuing this style of relationship?

In addition to what others posted above...

• What open model are you trying to do? What happens if the relationship model needs to change or gets outgrown?
• What baggage are you each bringing into this? Like past unhealed things, or bad habits or.... Have these already been addressed?
• What about accidental pregnancy? Do you agree on how to handle that?
• Do the people REALLY want to go there? Like "willing and able" and they have the skills required?
  • Good communication, time management, and all the rest?
  • What skills are missing and need to be learned first?
  • Or are people "just going along with it" to avoid a break up?
• How will it end?

Because this "trying it out" phase IS gonna end.

• Will it end with both participating in a polycule together?
• What if it ends with one partner saying "Well, I tried, and it is not for me" and the other partner saying "Well, I tried, and I totally want it." Then what?
• What if it ends, and it isn't like "original couple and these other people?" What if it ends with people paired off in different ways or even everyone single?

Is there a plan to cope with these eventualities? Can you all discuss that calmly? Or does it freak people out even just talking about it?

Do you each have a job, and enough in savings to move out and set up a new flat somewhere? Cuz people who can pay their own way don't have to "be nice" putting up with BS or abuse just because they can't afford to leave.

I hope you both go in well prepared and not like "rushing" and it turns out well for you.

But part of being prepared, is thinking things out. Even thinking about not so fun parts.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MistressSapiosexual,

You need a boundary that both of you will practice safe sex outside your marriage, just in case your marriage at some point comes to life. Also you need a boundary that the two of you will be open and transparent with each other, you will not keep secrets from each other, but on the other hand, you will not inundate each other with unnecessary information (such as the details of what happened in this or that sexual encounter with someone outside the marriage). You must maintain a balance of the information. The need to add more boundaries will become apparent to you as your open/poly doings move along, so have a boundary that you will discuss what boundaries you have, what needs to be added, and what needs to be subtracted. Have this discussion once a week, or once a month, something on that order.

Hopefully this thread is helping.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.