Do I have the correct mindset?

R

Rhodry04

New member
As we were working out the details of an overnight for Lulu and Ray today it made me feel like things were a little unbalanced. The short version is, Lulu and Ray were going to get to relax and fool around, and I was going to stay home with the kids (including an extra for a sleepover) for the whole day Saturday. I suggested that they just spend an overnight, Friday into Saturday morning, and come back to our house. Now they will have their time together, and Lulu and I will have time Saturday and we can be with the kids together. I learned that Ray has to work Saturday morning anyway, so it worked out for all three of us.

I know their time together is important, and I want to make sure I’m being respectful of it. Is it wrong to feel like this is equity for the future, when and if I find someone to spend time with? Not in a "you owe me" way, but as an opportunity to build a framework where we understand that compromise on both sides leads to success.
 
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SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
If Ray has to work anyway, how were Lulu and Ray going to hang out for the whole day on Saturday?
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Sorry it was not edited properly. Writing is not my strong suit but I working on getting better.
 
I know their time together is important and I want to make sure I’m being respectful of it. Is it wrong to feel like this is equity for the future when and if I find someone to spend time with? Not in a you owe me way, but as an opportunity to build a framework where we understand that compromise on both sides leads to success.
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Are the kids' parents you and Lulu? There are no more kids in the mix, right? If so, I think, even if you aren't dating right now, Lulu could watch the kids while you:
  • Stay at home and rest and are NOT the parent in charge
  • Go out on your own, with friends, or with dating partners
There also needs to be:
  • Time together as a family (you + Lulu + kids)
  • Time together as a couple (You + Lulu having date time)
Then the framework is already there on this side of the V.

On the other side of the V, Ray and Lulu can figure it out, because Lulu would have time to:
  • Stay at home and rest and NOT be the parent in charge
  • Go out on her own, with friends or with dating partners
and Ray is a dating partner.

If the parent in charge wants to go out extra, it's on them to figure out additional babysitters. It is not on the other parent.

Then, for (you + Lulu) dates, you can take turns planning the date and arranging the sitter.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Are the kids' parents you and Lulu? There's not more kids in the mix, right?
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Yes we are the kids parents. You have it all correct. Thank you very much for your insight.
 
Hello Rhodry,

Compromise is important in polyamory, I feel that it is okay for you to ask for a little leeway, you are already tending the kids from Friday thru Saturday morning. I guess my answer is yes, you do have the correct mindset. Let us know if you have any additional questions.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Rhodry,

Compromise is important in polyamory, I feel that it is okay for you to ask for a little leeway, you are already tending the kids from Friday thru Saturday morning. I guess my answer is yes, you do have the correct mindset. Let us know if you have any additional questions.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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I will and thank you.
 
How old are your kids? Depending on their ages, that could be a big ask, a big task or a non-event.

I wouldn’t expect things to be reciprocated. That’s a good goal, but it rarely works like that. And as far as paying it forward, I’m not sure that works, either.
 
I am not in your situation, but I am a parent. And I would say that each of you should have an equal amount of free time away from the kids, while the other one watches them. Whatever you each do in your free time is up to you. If Lulu wants to spend that time with her partner, great. If you want to take a nap or go to the movies, great.
 
dingedheart said:
How old are your kids? Depending on their ages that could be a big ask, a big task or a non-event.

I wouldn’t expect things to be reciprocated. That’s a good goal, but it rarely works like that. And as far as paying it forward, I’m not sure that works, either.
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They are 13, 10, and 7. The older ones are my step-kids, so it’s 50/50. The youngest is our daughter. She is adopted, so she is full time.

The newest thing is a birthday party next Saturday for a coworker that will end up in an overnight. Lulu is trying to figure out how to make that work because I have DnD Sunday morning. It’s my only thing right now. I am going to talk to her and renegotiate that. I said at one point that I would wake up early and make her breakfast and then let her watch shows while I game. I don’t feel like that’s fair to our daughter or me. I want her to come home the night of the party so I don’t have to be in charge of our daughter during four of the eight hours a month I ask for.
 
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I think it's reasonable that you stand firm about needing one Sunday a month for DnD in which Lulu prioritizes being home to be the "on" parent.

However, it also might be worth looking into having a regular babysitter that you can call when you both have plans at the same time or want to have a date night for the two of you.
 
Are the kids aware or been informed of their mother's bisexual needs and as a result having opened the marriage?

IF NOT, is there a plan to do so? They’re going to feel something is off and suspect the truth and then go looking for confirmation. If this is a tightly-wrapped secret, especially with split custody, kids involved, you better/she better have a plan in place.
 
dingedheart said:
Are the kids aware or been informed of their mother's bisexual needs and as a result having opened the marriage?

IF NOT, is there a plan to do so? They’re going to feel something is off and suspect the truth and then go looking for confirmation. If this is a tightly-wrapped secret, especially with split custody, kids involved, you better/she better have a plan in place.
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She is mommy’s bestest friend. Says the 7 year old.
 
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