Does opening up to only same sex relationships lead to opposite sex relationships?

Kiwimelon

New member
Hello! My husband and I are both bisexual. We had opened our relationship before to same-sex partners, but before meeting anyone, I became pregnant. Our son is almost one now and he would like to open up again. I am not too interested, but would like for him to have his needs met. I am only worried that after he starts seeing other men, he will start to want to see women also. I wish I was okay with that, but at this time I know it would most likely cause us to separate. Does this seem likely to anyone else? The last thing I want is to tell him it’s okay and for something to happen that causes us to break up. Not having my son every day would destroy me. Thank you, everyone!! 😊
 
Without mincing words, it's generally recommended that everyone be "allowed" to have partners of any gender or genital configuration from the very beginning. Otherwise, just stay monogamous. He could just as easily leave you for a man. Either of you can end the relationship for any reason.
 
Without mincing words, it's generally recommended that everyone be "allowed" to have partners of any gender or genital configuration from the very beginning. Otherwise, just stay monogamous. He could just as easily leave you for a man. Either of you can end the relationship for any reason.
Thank you for your thoughts! That is a fair point. He expresses that he could never be in a romantic relationship with a man, but I know people are complex and we never know what could happen. I suppose I am just curious if same-sex open relationships are common, and if so, if they are successful.
 
From a number of years of reading here, I'd say they are not t common because they are generally not successful. It's trying to control the ultimately uncontrollable.
 
From a number of years of reading here, I'd say they are not common, because they are generally not successful. It's trying to control the ultimately uncontrollable.
Thank you! Yes, I have been feeling that. I wish I was more evolved, but I am not there yet. I feel like I will have to continue to give him my support even if the outcome is not what I had envisioned our future to be.
 
Hello Kiwimelon,

It is entirely conceivable and possible that opening up to same-sex relationships can lead to opposite-sex relationships. Not that it happens every time, but it definitely happens sometimes.

Tell your husband that you do/will not consent to him seeing women as well as men. Tell him that you do consent to him seeing men -- men only. There's no need to mince words with the truth.

I hope you are able to work things out.
Kevin T.
 
Hello Kiwimelon,

It is entirely conceivable and possible that opening up to same-sex relationships can lead to opposite-sex relationships. Not that it happens every time, but it definitely happens sometimes.

Tell your husband that you do/will not consent to him seeing women as well as men. Tell him that you do consent to him seeing men -- men only. There's no need to mince words with the truth.
That is a very solid advice! I feel like this is the best way to approach this complex situation. Thank you very much!
 
Generally, these policies don't work. It's hard enough to find someone you're compatible with that is also open to polyamory. I have only ever seen gender=specific agreements lead to resentment.
 
Slow down. I have a feeling you are rushing this. Learn a lot more about polyamory and do way more soul-searching before you jump in. Go talk to some actual real-life flesh and bone poly people, if possible.
 
Generally these policies don't work... it's hard enough to find someone you're compatible with that is also open to polyamory. I have only ever seen gender specific agreements lead to resentment.
It was his idea to keep it same-sex only. I do believe he means it. He already has a past partner that he’s been speaking with. He doesn’t want men and ideally would like to have one for long term. We are such homebodies. Going out isn’t really our thing.
 
I also think you can trust him that he knows what he wants right now. I think there are probably way more relationships open to some kind of same-sex interaction only than we know of on here, because those happy and healthy with their FWBs won't come. My personal guess is it's as much possible as monogamy, just another voluntarily-taken limit.

But DO take time to discuss. What kind of non-monogamy are you practicing here? What are the limits in terms of tie and involvement you expect to be placed on those outside relationships? (Hint: a common point of failure.) What will he do if he likes a woman? What about nonbinary people? And what if YOU feel like dating the opposite gender several years down the road?
 
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I also think you can trust him that he knows what he wants right now. I think there are probably way more relationships open to some kind of same-sex interaction only then we know on here, because those happy and healthy with their FWBs won't come. My personal guess is it's as much possible as monogamy - just another voluntarily taken limit.

But DO take time to discuss. What kid of non-monogamy are you practicing here? What are the limits in terms of tie and involvement you expect to be placed on those outside relationships? (hint: a common point of failure.) What will he do if he likes a woman? What about nonbinary people? And what if YOU feel like dating the opposite gender several years down the road?
Those are wonderful questions! I think that is the best idea! I don’t think we should rush this. This is something we have discussed for the last four years. We just honestly are such homebodies that going out feels like a chore. I know right now I have no desire to be with another man. And with a one year old, I don’t think it’s fair to him (my son) or to a potential female partner, for me for me to try to start a relationship. He would be very hurt if I were to want a relationship with another man, but he loves the idea of me having intercourse with another man. So again, some complex emotions for sure! Thank you very much for your positivity! It really helps right now! I just want him to be able to explore himself. He holds a lot of guilt for his desires.
 
Those are wonderful questions! I think that is the best idea! I don’t think we should rush this. This is something we have discussed for the last four years.
You've discussed it between yourselves. Have you actually done any reading at all around open relationships, or just fantasized? You could take a look at our reading resource list, and you might want to read Opening Up first. It's a great book about the basics of ethically open relationships, whether swinging or polyamory.
We just honestly are such homebodies that going out feels like a chore. I know right now I have no desire to be with another man. And with a one year old, I don’t think it’s fair to him (my son) or to a potential female partner, for me for me to try to start a relationship. He would be very hurt if I were to want a relationship with another man, but he loves the idea of me having intercourse with another man.
Okay, so it sounds like neither of you want polyamory, and you came to this board in a confused state. It sounds like you both want casual non-romantic sex relationships, him with guys and you with women. Both of you seem to feel if either of you started something with someone of the opposite sex (or gender), it would not/could not remain casual and would turn romantic, which you feel would threaten your existing relationship and make breaking up a terrifying result.

Polyamory means "multiple loves." You can be be polyamorous and be asexual! Polyamorous people, like us here on this board, are capable of having romantic deeply committed (and usually sexual) relationships with two or more people at a time. We do not fall out of love if we fall in love with someone else.

It sounds like your husband is (currently) polysexual and monoamorous. He wants sex (and love) with you, but he wants just casual sex with other men. He's never felt romantic about any of his prior male sex partners. Is that right?

At the same time, he gets turned on by the idea of you have sex (not love) with another guy. And he doesn't feel you having sex OR love with women would feel threatening to him.

Finally, as a new mom of an infant, you don't have extra spoons right now to start up any new adult relationships of any kind, sexual, romantic or otherwise. I can relate to that. I was always deeply "in love" with my babies, who basically became my whole world. I'd be so bonded to them, my interest in sex (even with my husband) would wane for a time. And I think that's very common. It's nature's way of protecting the mother/child bond and keeping the kid alive.


I just want him to be able to explore himself. He holds a lot of guilt for his desires.
Often mothers (especially if you're breastfeeding) can be totally changed people once they bond with their infant. But dads may not feel that different. Their hormones remain pretty much the same, with just a slight increase in estrogen if they are deeply involved in caring for the mother and the child.

Here's our resource list:


Here's an archived merged thread about polyamory and children:


Here's an archived merged thread about the differences between casual sex and polyamory:

 
Wow! You are incredible!! I could have never have put it into words like that, but that is exactly how we feel!

I am sorry, it does seem like I have confused polyamory with wanting casual non-romantic sex relationships. I love the idea of opening your heart to multiple people. I have struggled with jealousy for so long, but have always thought it would be so wonderful to have the strength to see the ones I love, love and be loved by others.

That is correct. He has never felt romantic about his past male and transgender partners. I, on the other hand, have had multiple relationships with women that have been romantic. That is something I think does bother him and another reason I would not want to proceed myself, as I do not believe that is fair to a potential partner.

And I could not agree with you more about not having as much interest due to the bonds of motherhood. I am still breastfeeding and he is the light of my life! He is growing so fast and I do not want to miss a minute of it!

Thank you so much for your wisdom and for the great resources! I am going to look those over now! 😊
 
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