Those are wonderful questions! I think that is the best idea! I don’t think we should rush this. This is something we have discussed for the last four years.
You've discussed it between yourselves. Have you actually done any reading at all around open relationships, or just fantasized? You could take a look at our reading resource list, and you might want to read
Opening Up first. It's a great book about the basics of ethically open relationships, whether swinging or polyamory.
We just honestly are such homebodies that going out feels like a chore. I know right now I have no desire to be with another man. And with a one year old, I don’t think it’s fair to him (my son) or to a potential female partner, for me for me to try to start a relationship. He would be very hurt if I were to want a relationship with another man, but he loves the idea of me having intercourse with another man.
Okay, so it sounds like neither of you want polyamory, and you came to this board in a confused state. It sounds like you both want casual non-romantic sex relationships, him with guys and you with women. Both of you seem to feel if either of you started something with someone of the opposite sex (or gender), it would not/could not remain casual and would turn romantic, which you feel would threaten your existing relationship and make breaking up a terrifying result.
Polyamory means "multiple loves." You can be be polyamorous and be asexual! Polyamorous people, like us here on this board, are capable of having romantic deeply committed (and usually sexual) relationships with two or more people at a time. We do not fall out of love if we fall in love with someone else.
It sounds like your husband is (currently) polysexual and monoamorous. He wants sex (and love) with you, but he wants just casual sex with other men. He's never felt romantic about any of his prior male sex partners. Is that right?
At the same time, he gets turned on by the idea of you have sex (not love) with another guy. And he doesn't feel you having sex OR love with women would feel threatening to him.
Finally, as a new mom of an infant, you don't have extra spoons right now to start up any new adult relationships of any kind, sexual, romantic or otherwise. I can relate to that. I was always deeply "in love" with my babies, who basically became my whole world. I'd be so bonded to them, my interest in sex (even with my husband) would wane for a time. And I think that's very common. It's nature's way of protecting the mother/child bond and keeping the kid alive.
I just want him to be able to explore himself. He holds a lot of guilt for his desires.
Often mothers (especially if you're breastfeeding) can be totally changed people once they bond with their infant. But dads may not feel that different. Their hormones remain pretty much the same, with just a slight increase in estrogen if they are deeply involved in caring for the mother and the child.
Here's our resource list:
Here's an archived merged thread about polyamory and children:
Here's an archived merged thread about the differences between casual sex and polyamory: