Don't know how I feel (poly D/s)

[bobs]

This might be a bit long, just to give a bit of background and context.

About 10-12 years ago, after my marriage ended, I knew I had some submissive tendencies. I found a guy on a dating site who I used to chat to. We eventually agreed to meet, but I chickened out. (Talking BDSM in chat and texts, and meeting someone to go to a hotel to play, are 2 different things! I felt uneasy about it.) Over the years, we have gone years without chatting, but I've somehow always gravitated back to chatting to him. He's always chatted to multiple women, and it's something that I could tolerate when it's just chatting, but would never have tolerated in a relationship. So there were always relatively brief spells that would just end abruptly with me deciding there was no point, as I was only interested in a mono relationship.

So, we hadn't spoken for years, and I ended up back there again chatting, but not taking it too seriously. Shortly after, I started dating a mono guy, but felt very strongly that there was no way I was willing to give up these chats with the poly guy, even though I had started getting feelings for the mono guy, and knew how hurt he'd be if he knew. (Neither of the guys knew about the other.)

Eventually things happened that led to me finishing with the mono guy, and I was quite upset about it. The poly guy messaged me and I apologised for not feeling like talking. He asked why and I just said I'd ended things with someone I have more feelings for than I liked to admit. He asked me about it and I told him what had happened and the reasons why. He just went, "Sounds like a lot of drama. Maybe what you need is someone laid back like me." I was slightly stunned, but not completely closed off to the idea. After all, there's something that kept taking me back there, and it was something I didn't want to give up. So I decided to just roll with it.

Everything changed, and he was no longer just Mr BDSM Dom guy. I'd always said that I was "soft" and only wanted the D/S in the bedroom, but not in a real-life relationship, but I'd never seen his softer side. So things have been progressing. We message and call each other and we've met up a few times, and I feel like he's the person I've always been meant to meet. From being quite young I've always known I had the submissive side, but never met anyone to dominate me. They were either too respectful to engage in the S&M side, or they had real power-trip issues and weren't a true dom. So this mono girl has ended up with a poly guy that she doesn't want to give up. But I'm still trying to get my head around the poly stuff.

We talk and we are both very open. He says he doesn't want to hurt me and is being open and honest about everything out of respect (which I appreciate). I say I don't know how I feel and that there's a chance that one day I will just walk. He tells me it's not just a sex thing and that he really likes me, likes spending time with me, and views it as a long-term thing. I feel the same, but I just can't get my head around the poly aspect. Some days it feels fine, and some days it doesn't.

I've surprised myself in that I don't feel any negativity towards the other women in his life. One he just flirts and talks dirty with almost daily. She seems a good friend to him, and knows about me and approves (and I'm fine with that). One's an ex-girlfriend who is in a sexless marriage and lives 200 miles away. He occasionally helps her to satisfy her needs, but not penetratively. I don't feel overly bothered by her

But there's another woman who he clearly has a deeper connection with, that he sees most weekends. Their relationship is again non-penetrative but sexual, but they haven't had sex for quite a while. I'm not sure that she is truly up for being poly either (as although he's always chatted and flirted with multiple people, this is the first time he's had a truly poly arrangement with people he's sexual with). His words to me about her were, "She knows you exist, but I don't mention you to her as I don't want her to feel like I'm rubbing it in. But she's a nice person I don't think she'd mind that I'm with you." Part of me thinks "Is this why she hasn't felt like sex for a while?"

And then there's me, the BDSM one. We have done lots of sexual stuff, but no PIV yet, although I need PIV, and he assures me it's coming, but I have to earn it, in a D/S kind of way.

So, I just don't know how to get my head around the poly thing. It's more around feeling like I don't deserve his attention at the weekends. I'm okay Mon-Thu/Fri when nobody else is available, but not good enough for the weekends. I flit between feeling like I should just walk away, and thinking, "Don't do anything rash, because you'll regret it."

Rationally, he treats me exceptionally well, and is very respectful. He's not actually done anything negative to me. He accidently let the L word slip out. I was stunned, and mildly amused as it dawned on him what he'd said. He's obviously now found a phrase that he's comfortable with, and says he "likes me immensely," but I think that's to look after me, as he doesn't want to lead me into believing that there could ever be a mono kind of love situation.

So I just need help to get my head around it all and not feel so bothered at the weekends when the other woman is staying over at his house.

 

[GalaGirl]

You sound like you are struggling with several layers of things. I'm going to guess. I might guess wrong. But from your post I'm wondering if you struggle with:

• Unfinished break-up feelings for the mono ex?
• Not spending enough time alone healing from that before dating the kinky + poly Guy?
• Guy having more than one lover? (I noticed you seem to only "count" sex as "real sex" if it's penetrative and other forms of sex are not "real sex.")
• Wanting monogamy + kink, and maybe settling for getting some kink here even though on some level you know poly + kink is not your thing?
• This hinge oversharing too much TMI in the name of "honest and transparent," when you really don't care to know all these details? Being honest and transparent doesn't mean "no mouth filter."

He said, "Sounds like a lot of drama. Maybe what you need is someone laid back like me."

There was drama with your mono ex.

His words to me about her were "She knows you exist, but I don't mention you to her as I don't want her to feel like I'm rubbing it in. But she's a nice person. I don't think she'd mind that I'm with you."

Is sharing TMI with you this guy's drama? Like, why does this person get so much care and consideration that he uses a filter because he doesn't want to rub anything in, but you don't get that?

To me, it sounds like you know way too much about your metas. All you need to know is that they exist and your hinge uses safer sex practices, like condoms and regular labs.

All this stuff--

• One he flirts and talks dirty with almost daily, she seems like a good friend to him, she knows about me and approves
• One's an ex-girlfriend who is in a sexless marriage and lives 200 miles away, but he occasionally helps her to satisfy her needs, but not penetratively
• There's another woman who he clearly has a deeper connection with, that he sees most weekends. Their relationship is again, non-penetrative, but sexual, but they haven't had sex for quite a while.

You don't need to know all these personal details.

Does your guy have a "sharing kink" and you don't want to be a part of that?

So I just don't know how to get my head around the poly thing - it's more around feeling like I don't deserve his attention at the weekends, I'm okay Mon-Thu/Fri when nobody else is available, but not good enough for the weekends. I flit between feeling like I should just walk away, and thinking "don't do anything rash, because you'll regret it."

You know it's YOUR time during the week, and on the weekends too, right? You don't have to see Guy. It's ok to pass even if he's available, if you choose to spend time on your own, with friends, resting, etc.

I wonder how your self esteem is doing. The way you talk, you sound like you don't think you "deserve" things, in a way, like you don't like yourself very much. Could that be true?

Like I said, I might guess wrong. But I get the vibe you do not have 1 or 2 things going on, but several layers of things, and it's hard to tell which one comes first.

I wonder if it might be helpful for you to talk to a counselor who knows about the different kinds of non monogamy, so you can identify the layers better and figure out what order to address them in?

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

I'm also wondering if the guy is actually poly or just dating several until he finds "the one," since:

although he's always chatted and flirted with multiple people, this is the first time he's had a truly poly arrangement with people he's sexual with.

This might wind up being some other kind of non-monogamy.

I too wonder why he's so open with you, but doesn't want to rub in other's faces. Either he's more sensitive to her feelings than yours, or she doesn't like this poly thing either.

To you, it's none of your business, but if he's dating mono women, he is going to have the drama he wants to avoid and you (or she, or both) could become victims of bad hinging when feelings get strong and one of you says "it's her or me."

 

[kdt26417]

Hello bobs,

It sounds like you just need to wrap your mind around poly -- somehow. I think that could happen through learning more about it. Keep reading and posting here, use this forum as a launching pad for learning more on other sites. Let us know whenever you have questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[bobs]

You sound like you are struggling with several layers of things. I'm going to guess. I might guess wrong. But from your post I'm wondering if you struggle with...

• unfinished break up feelings for the mono ex?
• not spending enough time alone healing from that before dating the kinky + poly Guy?
• struggling with Guy having more than one lover? (I noticed you seem to only "count" sex as "real sex" if it's penetrative and other forms of sex are not "real sex.")
• struggling with wanting monogamy + kink and maybe settling for getting some kink here even though on some level you know poly + kink is not your thing?
• struggling with this hinge oversharing too much TMI stuff in the name if "honest and transparent" when really you don't care to know all these details? Because "honest and transparent" doesn't mean "no mouth filter."

he just went "sounds like a lot of drama ...maybe what you need is someone laidback like me".

So that was the mono ex's drama.



Is oversharing TMI with you Guy's drama? Like why's this person get so much care and consideration that he uses a filter because he doesn't want to rub anything in? And you don't get that?

To me you know way too much about your metas. All you need to know is that they exist and hinge uses safer sex practices like condoms and regular labs.

All this stuff?

• one he just flirts and talks dirty with almost daily and she seems a good friend to him, and knows about me and approves
• one's an ex-girlfriend who is in a sexless marriage and lives 200 miles away but he occasionally helps her to satisfy her needs but not penetratively
• there's another woman who he clearly has a deeper connection with, that he sees most weekends - their relationship is again non-penetrative but sexual, but they haven't had sex for quite a while.

You don't need to know their personal details.

Does this hinge have a "sharing kink" and you don't want to be a part of that?



You know it's YOUR time during the week and the weekends too, right? You don't have to see Guy. It's ok to pass even if he's available and you choose to spend time on your own, with friends, resting, etc.

I wonder how your self esteem is doing. You talk like you "don't deserve" things in a way that sounds like you don't like you very much. Could that be true?

Like I said, I might guess wrong. But I get the vibe you do not have 1 or 2 things going on. But several layers of things and it's hard to tell which one comes first.

I wonder if it might be helpful for you to talk to a counselor who knows about the different kinds of non monogamy? So you can identify the layers better and figure out what order to address them in?

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl

Thank you so much for writing such an in-depth reply to me. It’s much appreciated!

I agree it was a fast move from the mono ex to the poly guy. It was very out of character for me. I tend to spend quite a while on my own between relationships, years sometimes, as I don’t really mind being on my own. But this wasn’t a very long relationship, just a very intense one. It turned out that he was a bit of a love-bombing narcissistic type, and once the penny dropped, that that was what had happened, I was able to move on fairly easily.

The way I view things is that I’ve been conditioned to be quite strictly mono. I can see the benefits of being poly, but I’m not sure whether I can really hack it. So at the moment I’m in a sort of transitional phase. I’m not expecting it to be an easy ride. I’m expecting a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and a lot of introspection and self-reflection before I conclude how I really think/feel.

In my previous mono relationships, I’ve tended to be the one who upsets people or puts people off because I don’t give people as much of my time as they’d like. I don’t want to be joined at the hip with someone and spending all my spare time with them. I value my down time, my independence, the freedom to pursue my own interests etc. This is kind of what poly guy was alluding to when he said I needed less drama and someone more laid back. I need someone who can handle that and doesn’t make big dramas about not seeing enough of me and twisting that to mean I’m not committed.

I think there is some truth to me struggling with wanting mono + kink, and settling for poly + kink. But with what I said above about finding that most mono guys aren’t happy to settle for the amount of time I feel like I can give them, I question whether that makes me a better fit for a poly relationship.

In terms of TMI, yes, I think the poly guy definitely has some kind of “sharing kink."

He is an excellent Dom, because he is so good with the trust/respect/consent stuff, and creates a very safe environment. But as a hinge, he’s told me that he thinks that poly is the way forward for him, but that this is really his first poly experience and only time will tell. So it could be a case of the blind leading the blind...

Everything he’s ever disclosed to me about the other metas, I feel has been to try to ensure that I don’t feel “less than” them in terms of value and importance, as it always comes with a sort of “I only see her this often," or “We only do X and Y, nothing penetrative." There’s always some kind of “only” designed to diminish their relationship and make me feel like what we have is of significant value to him. And that’s kind of where my confusion kicks in.

My honest view is that this is not really polyamory. It’s a man with a collection of exes that he still cares about to some degree, and that still want him to some degree too, that he can’t face cutting ties with. I think his weekend woman is someone he cares deeply about as a friend, that got sexual and is now starting to revert back towards friendship again. But I think there’s a possibility that he’s in love with her and doesn’t want to face up to the fact that it’s not going anywhere. And I think I was supposed to be the sex, that countered the fact that his sex life with her was dwindling… except our relationship has started to be more than sex. So now things just feel messy.

I don’t, for one moment, think he’d give any of them up. I think he cares too much about them, and I think that’s why he’s happy to talk about me to the two that are now settled in other relationships, but he still feels protective of his weekend friend.

My self esteem is fine and intact, I think. I like myself very much. I’m certainly not staying in this situation because I don’t think I deserve better, because I do. And that’s where my dilemmas and confusion lie.

In the BDSM world, it’s hard to find the right D/S dynamic, as everyone’s kinks are so personal and unique. That’s why I’ve always ended up going back to chatting to him. And the reality is now better than the chatting, so I’m not going to give it up lightly, without trying to work everything else out.

Whilst it’s not a mono relationship, in many ways it is the most honest and respectful relationship I’ve been in. The trust is 100%. It’s my own reactions that I don’t understand. I don’t feel jealous of the other women for having what they have with him. I’m quite laid back about that aspect. It’s more a case of wishing I got a bit more of his time, which is kind of weird for me, as someone who is always accused of not committing enough time to relationships.

It’s not even that I want more of his time. It’s if I changed my job tomorrow and had to work Monday-Friday and was only free at the weekends, then that would be it, goodbye, that feels harsh.

If it was just a sex-based bit of fun thing, then fair enough. But going out of his way to diminish those other relationships to make me feel important, making a ridiculous amount of effort to make me feel cared for when we meet, constantly telling me how much he likes me and how it’s more than sex, telling me he envisions us having something long-term… but all this is only true if I want to see him during the week and not at the weekend. That’s the head-fuck part for me.

And I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to go, “Well, if that’s how it is, I’ll go and find someone who likes me 7 days a week,” or whether this is a fairly common thing in polyamory. And I make an effort to be introspective and question whether it should really bother me, and either learn to deal with it, or walk away, knowing I gave it my best shot.

 

[bobs]

I'm also wondering if the guy is actually poly or just dating several until he finds "the one." This might wind up being some other kind of non-monogamy.

I too wonder why he's so open with you, but doesn't want to rub it in other's face. Either he's more sensitive to her feelings than yours, or she doesn't like this poly thing either.

It's none of your business. But if he's dating mono women, he is going to have the drama he wants to avoid and you (or she, or both) could become a victim of bad hinging when feelings get strong and one of you says "It's her or me."

Thanks for your response, Bobbi! I’ve just said in my response to Galagirl, that everything he’s ever disclosed to me about the other metas, I feel has been to try to ensure that I don’t feel “less than” them in terms of value and importance. As it always comes with a sort of “I only see her this often," or “We only do X and Y, nothing penetrative,", there’s always some kind of “only” designed to diminish their relationship and make me feel like what we have is of significant value to him. And that’s kind of where my confusion kicks in.

My honest view is that this is not really polyamory, it’s a man with a collection of exes that he still cares about to some degree, and that still want him to some degree too, that he can’t face cutting ties with. I think his weekend woman is someone he cares deeply about as a friend, that got sexual and is now starting to revert back towards friendship again. But I think there’s a possibility that he’s in love with her and doesn’t want to face up to the fact that it’s not going anywhere. And I think I was supposed to be the sex, that countered the fact that his sex life with her was dwindling… except our relationship has started to be more than sex. So now things just feel messy.

I don’t for one moment think he’d give any of them up/ I think he cares too much about them. And I think that’s why he’s happy to talk about me to the 2 that are now settled in other relationships. But he still feels protective of his weekend friend.

I’ve already said to him that I would never say “her or me." I’d just walk. I got myself into this knowing she exists, and if I get to a point where it bothers me too much, I will just walk away. But it is a constant dilemma in my head: "What we have is something I’ve never had with anyone else, make the most of it, not everything was meant to last" vs "Get out before you get properly hurt" (because if his weekend friend made him choose, I’m certain he’d choose her).

 

[bobs]

I should also have said in response to Bobbi:

I'm also wondering if the guy is actually poly or just dating several until he finds "the one."

He’s not looking for the one! I’m in my 50s and he’s in his 60s and just retired. He’s never married, never had children, has always thrown himself into his career instead, as his parents’ marriage put him off married life. But he’s always had a keen interest in women, and developing his sexual prowess. So it’s most likely that having just retired he feels like he’s got time to take on another woman to fill his Mon-Fri work slot that’s now available, hence being new to polyamory.

 

[GalaGirl]

Don't feel like you have to reply to everything.

FWIW, these stuck out to me.

This wasn’t a very long relationship, just a very intense one. It turned out that he was a bit of a love-bombing narcissistic type, and once the penny dropped, that that’s what had happened, I was able to move on fairly easily.

The new partner is not another love-bombing type too, right?

In my previous mono relationships I’ve tended to be the one who upsets people or puts people off because I don’t give people as much of my time as they’d like.

That's a compatibility thing. Some people want to be "joined at the hip." Some don't. I think it's FINE if that puts people off. It means they are not compatible with you.

I think there is some truth to me struggling with wanting mono + kink, and settling for poly + kink. But with what I said above about finding that most mono guys aren’t happy to settle for the amount of time I feel like I can give them, I question whether that makes me a better fit for a poly relationship.

Only you can answer that, because only you can decide if polyamory is acceptable to you or not, and you will let go of wanting monogamy. Or you go the other way and choose monogamy and let go of wanting kink. Or you keep both and choose to wait for mono + kink, even if it takes longer to find someone who wants same as you as is deeply compatible. Maybe you want "mostly monogamy except for annual KinkConference" or "mostly monogamy except my kink play partner that I see X times a year," or something in between.

In terms of TMI, yes, I think the poly guy definitely has some kind of “sharing kink." He is an excellent Dom, because he is so good with the trust/respect/consent stuff, and creates a very safe environment. But as a hinge, he’s told me that he thinks that poly is the way forward for him, but that this is really his first poly experience and only time will tell. So it could be a case of the blind leading the blind...

You could tell your guy that you aren't up for his "sharing kink" and what you want from his hinging is just that these metas exist, that safer sex practices are used. Past that, parallel polyamory is just fine. You don't need or want to hear more about these other people.

It doesn't have to be the blind leading the blind. You have a partial map. You are the expert on YOURSELF and what you will and will not put up with, even if you are new to polyamory.

Whilst it’s not a mono relationship in many ways it is the most honest and respectful relationship I’ve been in. trust is 100%

I don’t feel jealous of the other women for having what they have with him. I’m quite laid back about that aspect. it’s more a case of wishing I got a bit more of his time (which is kind of weird for me as someone who is always accused of not committing enough time to relationships).

Well, if this is your healthiest relationship to date, then I can see wanting to spend more time together, especially in the NRE phase. What's confusing about that?

If past relationships weren't that great, and you are also pretty independent, it was easy to not care, not to want to spend too much time with the exes.

If it was just a sex-based bit of fun thing, then fair enough. But going out of his way to diminish those other relationships to make me feel important, making a ridiculous amount of effort to make me feel cared for when we meet, constantly telling me how much he likes me and how it’s more than sex, telling me envisions us having something long-term. But all this is only true if I want to see him during the week and not at the weekend... that’s the head-fuck part for me.

I don't understand this part as written. What do you mean there? That's where I started wondering if this new guy is also a love bombing narcissist, or future faking. Is he NRE twitterpated, either from poly NRE, kink NRE or a combo? Does he say this stuff to whoever is in front of him in the moment? Or is it something else? What? He's coming on hot and heavy.

I’m not sure whether I’m supposed to go, “Well if that’s how it is, I’ll go and find someone who likes me 7 days a week”

Why wouldn't you want that for yourself, someone who likes you all the time?

or whether this is a fairly common thing in polyamory. I make an effort to be introspective and question whether it should really bother me, and either learn to deal with it, or walk away knowing I gave it my best shot.

Even if it was "common" for me to go around kicking puppies, I think we could agree it's not great behavior and the puppies won't like it, right?

I think you could decide polyamory is nothing special. It's just another relationship model.

YOU get to decide on YOUR personal standard for what you seek in a poly partner. It does NOT mean you have to put up with poor behaviors, bad manners, or weirdness, like, just because this is "poly," all good manners flew out the window.

I suggest you tread with caution and slow your roll.

Are you dating other people too? Because if this is polyamory + kink, you can do that. SOMEONE has to be the first poly partner or first kink partner. It doesn't mean you have to stick with this guy forever. In dating others, you might get to figure out faster what your personal standards are going to be, for both polyamory and for kink.

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

‘What we have is something I’ve never had with anyone else, make the most of it, not everything was meant to last’ vs ‘get out before you get properly hurt’ (Because if his weekend friend made him choose, I’m certain he’d choose her).

Couldn't it be a combo? Like...

"I'm getting out now before I get properly hurt. Because not everything is meant to last. I've already made the most of it before it starts costing me my mental/emotional health."

Sometimes it is not "either/or" things but "both/and" things.

I’m not expecting it to be an easy ride, I’m expecting a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and a lot of introspection and self-reflection before I conclude how I really think/feel.

This may not come from dating just Guy. This may come from poly dating several people.

GG

 

[bobs]

The new partner is not another love bombing type too, right?

That's a compatibility thing. Some people want to be "joined at the hip." Some don't. I think it's FINE if that puts people off. It means they are not compatible for you.

Only you can answer that because only you can decide if polyamory is acceptable to you or not and you will let go of wanting monogamy. Or you go the other way and choose monogamy and let go of wanting kink. Or you keep both and choose to wait for mono + kink even if it takes longer to find someone who wants same as you as is deeply compatible. Maybe you want "mostly monogamy except for annual KinkConference" or "mostly monogamy except my kink play partner that I see X times a year" or other "in between" things.

You could tell Guy you aren't up for the "sharing kink" and what you want from his hinging is that the metas exist, that safer sex practices are used. And past that, parallel polyamory is just fine. You don't need or want to hear more about these other people.

It doesn't have to be the blind leading the blind. You have a partial map. You are the expert on YOURSELF and what you will and will not put up with even if you are new to polyamory.

If this is your healthiest relationship to date, I can see wanting to spend more time together, esp in the NRE phase. What's confusing about that?

If your past relationships weren't that great and you are also pretty independent, it was easy to not care/not want too much time with the exes.

That's where I started wondering if this new guy also a love bombing narcissist, or future faking? NRE twitterpated, either from poly NRE, kink NRE or a combo?


Why wouldn't you want someone who likes you all the time?

Even if it was "common" for me to go around kicking puppies, I think we could agree it's not great behavior and the puppies won't like it, right?

I think you could decide polyamory is nothing special. It's just another relationship model. YOU get to decide YOUR personal standard for what you seek in a poly partner. It does NOT mean you have to put up with poor behaviors, bad manners, or weird. Like just because "poly" all good manners flew out the window.

I suggest you tread with caution and slow your roll.

Are you dating other people too? Because if this is polyamory + kink, you can do that. SOMEONE has to be the first poly partner or first kink partner. It doesn't mean you have to stick with Guy forever. In dating others, you might get to figure out faster what your personal standards are going to be for both polyamory and for kink.

Is he a love-bombing narc too? I don’t think so, not from my experience of love-bombing. He’s not overly giving of his time. Not to say that I don’t get some of his time, but he’s not constantly messaging and showering me in compliments. And he’s not the type to pay for everything. We’ve always taken turns to pay. He's certainly not an “everything’s wonderful” type. He's very much an “I really like you a lot, but if you decide it’s not for you, I respect that” type of person.

He’s told me he’s fine with me dating other people. If he wasn’t I’d be long gone! (I wouldn’t put up with double standards.) But aside from occasionally chatting online, I don’t really bother. And he’s quite fascinated that I’m not really interested in having multiple relationships - but it’s not me! I’m not opposed to the concept, but the desire just isn’t there.

I don’t know how to put this, but I need my kink person to be my primary relationship person, as having a subspace moment with your nice vanilla or only slightly kinky mono partner is not nice for either party. (I’ve been there lots of times.) It’s not something I have enough control over that I can reserve it for a kink partner. (I suspect that he secretly regards that as an ego massage though.)

I don’t mind him sharing kink with the 2 that openly know about me and view things in a positive light. I just question how much the weekend friend really knows and really thinks/feels. As without going into TMI, I suspect the problems he told me she says she’s been having that mean they’ve not done anything sexual for a while are probably excuses she’s using not to sleep with him since she’s found out that I exist, and I think him “protecting her from it” is really him trying to downplay it and win her back round. I can’t say for certain that that’s how it is, but it’s a feeling I get. But if I’m right, then it doesn’t sit well with me.

As much as he’s very keen on everything being open and honest and consensual when he’s with me, I’m concerned that it’s not that way for her, and it makes me a bit uneasy. And that’s probably in part why I dislike it when I know they’re together.

 

[GalaGirl]

this is the first time he's had a truly poly arrangement with people he's sexual with

Polyamory means all participants are aware, agree, consent to be here. Is that true for all parties here? Or do you think WeekendLady thinks y'all are his exes and friends, while really, you are all his current lovers?

As much as he’s very keen on everything being open and honest and consensual when he’s with me, I’m concerned that it’s not that way for her, and it makes me a bit uneasy. And that’s probably in part why I dislike it when I know they’re together.

I could see that being an uneasy thing.

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

Jumping in here, after much input from GG.

You've known this guy a long time, mostly from chatting online. I imagine you've done a lot of D/s with him and you really like the subspace he brings you to. It suits your needs really well. And that's great. It's hard to find good compatibility in things, whatever kind of interest it might be.

But now you've finally taken the plunge to irl dates. Your guy enjoys having a few partners with more or less involvement. Also fine. One of the beauties of poly is being able to get off the relationship escalator at whatever floor you and your partner agree works.

A couple problem areas beyond what GG has already rather exhaustively addressed, as I see it, are:

- He is making you "earn" intercourse, and you're frustrated. You're ready for this step after many actual YEARS of sexual chat. Come on, already! What is holding him back from PIV with you, and apparently with others? Is it really a power-exchange issue? Or is he "stone," that is, he can touch you, but you can't touch him? Does he have an actual fear or hang-up about that kind of intimacy? Does he even cuddle you?

Sometimes doms are doms because they have deep-seeded issues that make them want to prevent intimacy, even because that have abandonment or abuse issues going back to childhood. You could address this, if you want to go there. It's not a fun game to "earn" your PIV if he's going to withhold it forever because he just can't be touched that intimately for psychological issues, but is protecting himself and avoiding his problems by making it into a D/s thing.

- The next issue: you seem to feel second-class because the one woman gets his weekends and you only get his now-free weekday openings. As I see it, weekends can be something that might need to be "earned." My own bf Aries, for example, usually sees me on weekends, and prefers to see other newer partners during the week. But eventually, if the relationship seems to be reliable, he will seek my consent to see someone else on a weekend day (or overnight), if it works out for that person's preference. (The reason Aries and I mostly see each other on the weekends is because my other primary partner Pixi and I both see our bfs on the weekend, since the bfs work M-F, and she and I have more flexible work schedules.) I like my independence too, and I don't mind at all if Aries wants to take one day out of our weekends a couple times a month. Maybe eventually you and your guy could arrange this, to see each other, for example, like one or two Saturdays a month, and he could still see the other women Friday night and Sunday?

Maybe he's AFRAID to tell this other gf that he would like to see you now and then on a weekend day, too.

Doms are human. They can have fears. Sometimes they have a complex that they have to be godlike, always in control, always all powerful. But they definitely aren't. Doms can have weaknesses, get sick, get injured, develop chronic pain, suffer from ED, depression, anxiety, etc., just like anyone else.

 

[bobs]

Thanks for your response Magdlyn

I do believe that his childhood/background very much feeds into how he is, and I do try to take it into consideration (and did when I was considering the things GG raised).

The PIV thing is definitely linked to his paranoia around unwanted pregnancy - but I’m at an age where that’s not even possible anymore, plus we are using contraception, so I haven’t pushed it, I just think it’ll take time.

As much as I love his Dom side, I actually view him as quite vulnerable in many ways.

I am allowed to touch him and be intimate with him - but he is quite controlled, and not only sets limits for me, but also for himself. I have raised with him that I believe that he shouldn’t have to limit himself and we are actively working on him taking more from our sessions for his own gratification.

The weekends thing isn’t generally an issue, as I’m not free many weekends, so it works out well that I see him mainly during the week. I also don’t get much opportunity to see him overnight, but I have a few days coming up in April when that’s a possibility, which I mentioned to him and he seemed very excited about. And then it came up again and I said I’d find out definite dates and let him know so that we could pencil some time in our diaries - and everything seemed positive, and then he went “it’s not at a weekend is it?” And basically told me that if it was at a weekend it wasn’t happening. And that felt hurtful, that he’s not willing to find me one night at a weekend with plenty of notice; when it’s unlikely that I’ll get another opportunity for another 6 months or more - so it’s not the start of me wanting regular weekend time.

Cuddles and being quite tactile are something that he notices about me (but I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing in his eyes). Sometimes I think it’s a bad thing, but he has also mentioned wishing I could spoon him… so maybe it’s more of my tactility awakening something in him (around every child’s need for physical touch, but him being conditioned not to need it).

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for your response Magdlyn

I do believe that his childhood/background very much feeds into how he is, and I do try to take it into consideration (and did when I was considering the things GG raised).

The PIV thing is definitely linked to his paranoia around unwanted pregnancy - but I’m at an age where that’s not even possible anymore, plus we are using contraception, so I haven’t pushed it, I just think it’ll take time.

As much as I love his Dom side, I actually view him as quite vulnerable in many ways.

I am allowed to touch him and be intimate with him - but he is quite controlled, and not only sets limits for me, but also for himself. I have raised with him that I believe that he shouldn’t have to limit himself and we are actively working on him taking more from our sessions for his own gratification.

I understand that kind of dynamic.

The weekends thing isn’t generally an issue, as I’m not free many weekends, so it works out well that I see him mainly during the week. I also don’t get much opportunity to see him overnight, but I have a few days coming up in April when that’s a possibility, which I mentioned to him and he seemed very excited about. And then it came up again and I said I’d find out definite dates and let him know so that we could pencil some time in our diaries - and everything seemed positive, and then he went “it’s not at a weekend is it?” And basically told me that if it was at a weekend it wasn’t happening. And that felt hurtful, that he’s not willing to find me one night at a weekend with plenty of notice; when it’s unlikely that I’ll get another opportunity for another 6 months or more - so it’s not the start of me wanting regular weekend time.

Yeah, that actually seems kind of ridiculous, for the other partner to have that kind of claim on all his weekends, even one day months from now, as a special occasion.

Cuddles and being quite tactile are something that he notices about me (but I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing in his eyes). Sometimes I think it’s a bad thing, but he has also mentioned wishing I could spoon him… so maybe it’s more of my tactility awakening something in him (around every child’s need for physical touch, but him being conditioned not to need it).

That's a shame. I really need aftercare when I sub, and cuddles are a big part of it (not to mention enjoying PIV as a part of the session, as well)! But that's just me. Maybe he's wanting to expand his heart and repertoire.

 

[Evie]

Yeah, that actually seems kind of ridiculous, for the other partner to have that kind of claim on all his weekends, even one day months from now, as a special occasion.

That would be my deal breaker right there. If you don't have the flexibility to alter your routines for special occasions, then I'll only ever be pigeonholed. And I want multifaceted relationships.

 

[bobs]

That would be my deal breaker right there. If you don't have the flexibility to alter your routines for special occasions, then I'll only ever be pigeonholed. And I want multifaceted relationships.

We've fallen out today, not directly about the stuff I've posted on here - about feeling like he treats me disrespectfully sometimes.
He pissed me off yesterday - messaged me to say he was heading home and did I want to chat for a bit, and then messaged an hour later to say a friend was calling round so he'd chat later, and then kept updating me saying the friend hadn't gone yet but like he had the intention to chat once the friend had left, and kept that up all night and then messaged saying "I'll chat to you tomorrow evening after work, night night"........ there was no sorry, or no I can only chat briefly cos it's late, and realistically he could’ve said earlier “I don’t know how much longer I’ll be so don’t wait around” or “I don’t know how long I’ll be so let’s chat tomorrow”...so I wasn't enamoured with that. And then tonight he messaged saying he was going to the cinema ....and I'm thinking that if you knew that then why ask me to chat after work, and if it was a last minute thing how about "sorry I can't chat, I've been invited to the cinema".
As soon as I mentioned that I thought he needed to treat me with a bit more respect he said "let's cool it for a few weeks and see how you feel", and I told him that with that attitude he'd be lucky if he wasn't blocked and deleted in a few weeks, to which his response was "I'll message you in March and see how you feel"........

........sooo I can only guess from that, that he's not really a "soft dom" after all, and that this is all control and punishment stuff and designed to put me in my (sub) place.

So I've left him a message to say I don't really know WTAF is going on, if he wants to talk and try and sort things out I'm willing, but there's absolutely no point dragging things on until March as we'll still be in the same place with regards to how he treats me.

And I'm assuming that, that's probably the end of things
(I'm gutted, but I've been being careful not to get too attached as I know with the amount of head-fuckery that comes with some of the stuff from his childhood, there was a good chance it wouldn't end well)

 

[Magdlyn]

We've fallen out today,

You said in your OP:

I feel like he's the person I've always been meant to meet. From being quite young I've always known I had the submissive side, but never met anyone to dominate me. They were either too respectful to engage in the S&M side, or they had real power-trip issues and weren't a true dom.

Maybe history is repeating itself, the "power trip, not a true dom" problem.

So this mono girl has ended up with a poly guy that she doesn't want to give up. But I'm still trying to get my head around the poly stuff.

We talk and we are both very open. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, and is being open and honest about everything out of respect (which I appreciate). I say I don't know how I feel and that there's a chance that one day I will just walk. He tells me it's not just a sex thing and that he really likes me, likes spending time with me, and views it as a long-term thing.

It's "not a sex thing," obviously, because he won't even HAVE sex with you. LOL. He doesn't want to get a menopausal woman pregnant? Excuse me, what?

And now this! What has happened to the respect and the "long-term thing" all of a sudden? He's keeping you at arm's length, literally and figuratively. It sounds like it's time to walk, for good. You'd be better off single, or eventually dating a more well-balanced monogamous individual.

He treats me disrespectfully sometimes. He pissed me off yesterday-- asking if I'd want to chat for a bit, then messaged an hour later to say a friend was calling round so he'd chat later, and then kept updating me saying the friend hadn't gone yet, but like he had the intention to chat once the friend had left, kept that up all night, and then messaged saying, "I'll chat to you tomorrow evening after work, night night," There was no sorry, no "I can only chat briefly cos it's late." Realistically, he could’ve said earlier, “I don’t know how much longer I’ll be, so don’t wait around” or, “I don’t know how long I’ll be, so let’s chat tomorrow.” I wasn't enamoured with that.

That is very disrespectful, and wishy washy, to boot. I'd say he's gone past his "best if used by" date.

And then tonight he messaged saying he was going to the cinema, and I'm thinking, "If you knew that, then why ask me to chat after work?" and if it was a last minute thing, how about, "Sorry I can't chat, I've been invited to the cinema"?

As soon as I mentioned that I thought he needed to treat me with a bit more respect he said, "Let's cool it for a few weeks and see how you feel." I told him that with that attitude he'd be lucky if he wasn't blocked and deleted in a few weeks, to which his response was, "I'll message you in March and see how you feel."

So I can only guess from that, that he's not really a "soft dom" after all, and that this is all control and punishment stuff and designed to put me in my (sub) place.

Never mind the D/s veneer, that's just crap behavior for any partner. Who needs that? Why should you be punished for his rudeness? If this was all some kind of test to see if you'd just be patient while he "talked to a friend," and then made a date to go to the movies with someone else, fuck that shit. It's just rude. A good dom can be a gentleman. He can act like a grown-ass adult.

I've left him a message to say I don't really know WTAF is going on, if he wants to talk and try and sort things out, I'm willing, but there's absolutely no point dragging things on until March, as we'll still be in the same place with regards to how he treats me. I'm assuming that that's probably the end of things.

Good riddance. You weren't getting your needs met anyway, for touch, for sex, for monogamy.

I'm gutted, but I've been being careful not to get too attached, as I know with the amount of head-fuckery that comes with some of the stuff from his childhood, there was a good chance it wouldn't end well.

If he hasn't processed stuff from his childhood by the age of 60, he is not going to, at least without a good period of time in therapy. I left my ex when we were in our early 50s, after 30 years together, because he was stuck in therapy (we'd been doing couples and individual therapy), unable or unwilling to dig deeper into his childhood issues. (Our therapist "fired" him as a client because she could do no more for him.) I didn't have time to waste waiting any longer. My time and life could be better spent, and they have been. Yours can be too!

 

[Evie]

He's absolutely not worth your time and effort. There's others out there who will treat you so much better. Go find them.

 

[GalaGirl]

He could’ve said earlier, “I don’t know how much longer I’ll be, so don’t wait around” or, “I don’t know how long I’ll be, so let’s chat tomorrow.”

Realistically YOU could decide "I'm only giving this X time, and past that, I'm going to bed and not waiting around on him. My time and energy are valuable."

As soon as I mentioned that I thought he needed to treat me with a bit more respect he said, "Let's cool it for a few weeks and see how you feel," and I told him that with that attitude he'd be lucky if he wasn't blocked and deleted in a few weeks, to which his response was, "I'll message you in March and see how you feel."

I think you could block him NOW. Not in a few weeks, but NOW. I think you could have a limit of tolerance for his shenanigans and stop giving him so many chances. You don't have to prioritize someone who treats you as optional.

I left him a message to say I don't really know WTAF is going on. If he wants to talk and try and sort things out, I'm willing, but there's absolutely no point dragging things on until March as we'll still be in the same place with regards to how he treats me.

What is there to talk about? If it's just going to be "same old song, different day" and you already know it, I think you could change your mind and no longer be willing for anything here with this person. It's already WTAF. And you seem to see it's unlikely to change.

Galagirl

 

[bobs]

Maybe history is repeating itself, the "power trip, not a true dom" problem.

It's "not a sex thing," obviously, because he won't even HAVE sex with you. LOL. He doesn't want to get a menopausal woman pregnant? Excuse me, what?

And now this! What has happened to the respect and the "long-term thing" all of a sudden? He's keeping you at arm's length, literally and figuratively. It sounds like it's time to walk, for good. You'd be better off single, or eventually dating a more well-balanced monogamous individual.

That is very disrespectful, and wishy washy, to boot. I'd say he's gone past his "best if used by" date.

Never mind the D/s veneer, that's just crap behavior for any partner. Who needs that? Why should you be punished for his rudeness? If this was all some kind of test to see if you'd just be patient while he "talked to a friend," and then made a date to go to the movies with someone else, fuck that shit. It's just rude. A good dom can be a gentleman. He can act like a grown-ass adult.

Good riddance. You weren't getting your needs met anyway, for touch, for sex, for monogamy.

If he hasn't processed stuff from his childhood by the age of 60, he is not going to, at least without a good period of time in therapy. I left my ex when we were in our early 50s, after 30 years together, because he was stuck in therapy (we'd been doing couples and individual therapy), unable or unwilling to dig deeper into his childhood issues. (Our therapist "fired" him as a client because she could do no more for him.) I didn't have time to waste waiting any longer. My time and life could be better spent, and they have been. Yours can be too!

Ha! Even though he won't give me PIV penetrative sex, the sex is actually up there with the best I've had. He's very attentive, and we can easily spend 3 or 4 hours in the bedroom. It's one of the reasons I'm reluctant to give him up!

I totally agree that at his age he's not going to change. I think even with a decent amount of therapy he would struggle. But let's face it, he doesn't want to change anyway. He's made that very clear.

I suggested to him yesterday that I don't think he is poly, he's just "have your cake and eat it", as it seems that a good hinge, much like a good Dom, has a bit of a caretaker role to play in ensuring that everyone's needs are being met, and I don't think he's spent enough time communicating about that with either me, or his weekend woman, to create an effective relationship that works for everyone.

But he's a thing of the past now, anyway. I'm sure his weekend woman will be pleased that I'm no longer on the scene. Who knows? Her sexual problems might magically resolve themselves now and they can get on with things like they were before.

I'm more sad than I am relieved. I wish that was the other way round, it would be easier if it was, but we did have some of the best times and I can't pretend they didn't happen. When we spent time together it was perfect. It was the way he treated me in the in-between times that spoiled everything. I still struggle to reconcile the two versions of him.... It's like I put up with the disrespectful side so that I could have the perfect days.... and I'm sad that there'll be no more perfect days.