AlbionMoonlight
New member
I just need to share my story somewhere. I am fairly blind to online communities or forums or resources for polyamory, and I'm not one to reach out to strangers for help. Bear with me...
My partner and I have been a strong and committed monogamous couple for almost five years. We've had some rough spots, but never any break-up scares or intense arguments.
In November of last year, she met someone. A mutual acquaintance of ours, not technically a friend though. She approached me about the idea of "opening up the relationship". Only after discussing the idea for a few hours and agreeing to give it a shot did she admit her feelings for him. Well, I said, okay, that's fine. Let's give it a shot.
Since then... it's been hard.
We set up a few, reasonable rules to help us make the transition:
Be home before midnight, Don't sleep over with a partner, Use protection, Don't date friends.
These were just preliminary boundaries we set for each other with an indefinite sunset-clause. However, without discussing them with me, she broke almost all of the boundaries. I found out later. She stopped using a condom and didn't tell me. She house-sat for a friend and had him stay the night. She stays out till 2, 3 or 4 in the morning when she's with him.
More than that, it's been tough for me to adjust to the new dynamic from the start. I've voiced my concerns and heartaches, been honest about my jealousy. Yet I feel like every time my feelings were brought up, she talked me back into feeling like everything's okay, "we are liberated, we are defying the status quo"... things like that. I can agree with her, mostly. But I couldn't deny that it was hurting me to see someone I loved and trusted for years, walk out the door to be with her new partner.
I felt ignored, I felt shameful for being so vulnerable and "needy", I felt practically insane with depression and loneliness.
She has seen him 2-3 times a week consistently. Even during our hardest times, even when the idea was put forward for her to take a break from seeing him so that she and I could reconnect and reevaluate our situation, she still saw him consistently.
The situation now is this:
We don't want to leave each other, we still feel devoted to one another. She loves me. She loves him. Our sex life has plummeted. We live in separate rooms of our apt. The only thing I could do to not lose her was to give up. I had to give up caring about what was best for me. I gave up wanting compromise or equality. I gave up speaking out on my own behalf.
I surrendered and put faith in her, that she knows what she's doing and will find balance.
I've sought a life outside of our relationship since. Have started dating, even though it's a bit terrifying. This has eased my jealousy and anger and separation-anxiety, so to speak. Though I am still conflicted.
This is just such a jumble in my head. The last seven months have been a whirlwind. There is so much more to the story, but I guess these are the bare facts. My apologies if this is a confusing or trite post.
My partner and I have been a strong and committed monogamous couple for almost five years. We've had some rough spots, but never any break-up scares or intense arguments.
In November of last year, she met someone. A mutual acquaintance of ours, not technically a friend though. She approached me about the idea of "opening up the relationship". Only after discussing the idea for a few hours and agreeing to give it a shot did she admit her feelings for him. Well, I said, okay, that's fine. Let's give it a shot.
Since then... it's been hard.
We set up a few, reasonable rules to help us make the transition:
Be home before midnight, Don't sleep over with a partner, Use protection, Don't date friends.
These were just preliminary boundaries we set for each other with an indefinite sunset-clause. However, without discussing them with me, she broke almost all of the boundaries. I found out later. She stopped using a condom and didn't tell me. She house-sat for a friend and had him stay the night. She stays out till 2, 3 or 4 in the morning when she's with him.
More than that, it's been tough for me to adjust to the new dynamic from the start. I've voiced my concerns and heartaches, been honest about my jealousy. Yet I feel like every time my feelings were brought up, she talked me back into feeling like everything's okay, "we are liberated, we are defying the status quo"... things like that. I can agree with her, mostly. But I couldn't deny that it was hurting me to see someone I loved and trusted for years, walk out the door to be with her new partner.
I felt ignored, I felt shameful for being so vulnerable and "needy", I felt practically insane with depression and loneliness.
She has seen him 2-3 times a week consistently. Even during our hardest times, even when the idea was put forward for her to take a break from seeing him so that she and I could reconnect and reevaluate our situation, she still saw him consistently.
The situation now is this:
We don't want to leave each other, we still feel devoted to one another. She loves me. She loves him. Our sex life has plummeted. We live in separate rooms of our apt. The only thing I could do to not lose her was to give up. I had to give up caring about what was best for me. I gave up wanting compromise or equality. I gave up speaking out on my own behalf.
I surrendered and put faith in her, that she knows what she's doing and will find balance.
I've sought a life outside of our relationship since. Have started dating, even though it's a bit terrifying. This has eased my jealousy and anger and separation-anxiety, so to speak. Though I am still conflicted.
This is just such a jumble in my head. The last seven months have been a whirlwind. There is so much more to the story, but I guess these are the bare facts. My apologies if this is a confusing or trite post.