Doubts about another couple

Hi everyone!

I'm a 36 years old man, and I'm in a wonderful relationship with my girlfriend since more than 16 years. She's 35 years old and also my best friend. In the last 5 years we've been officially opening our relationship since we have never been a traditional couple and our relationship is always changing, evolving, and it's been fantastic so far. To give you some perspective, on those years we had different relationship experiences. I had casual dates and spontaneous sex with other people. And My girlfriend had those experiences too and also had deeper experiences like polyamory or medium/long-term love relationships.

I'll start now with the main point of this Post. Two years ago, we start getting close with a married couple that we already knew. They are Jane, a 29 years old woman and John a 33 years old man, those are not their real names, by the way :)
During these intense 2 years period, we got really close to them, so much that I thought something romantic or sexual could've happened between us. We had and still have these days a lot of chemistry with them, we went out and made plans a lot together, had dinners in each other houses. Hanging out in groups of friends, date couples in the park. In most of these situations, my girlfriend ended up expending more time with John the same way I ended up expending more time talking, flirting, dancing with Jane.
We've built sexual tension in all of these situations, and I started to grow deeper feelings for Jane. We stare at each other when we've met with groups of common friends, we make physical contact and touch each other when we talk, we fool around a lot, laugh a lot with each other, we dance a lot together. Also, I could tell you that my girlfriend love filming us dancing salsa and bachata in a close and hot way more than once.
Sexually, we never did anything, essentially, the closest things to sex we had, were dancing Latino music that it can be with a lot of contact, and the times I've spanked her playfully. Of course always with her consent and once even in front of John to give you an idea how close we are.

It's never been a secret that I have a huge crush on Jane. We behave like a couple in many ways rather than sex. But finally, five months ago, our friends John and Jane moved out of the country. The four of us met two times already since they moved out. In part because we all miss each other a lot. These days we're still in contact with them and I didn't stop texting and talking with Jane.
We had longs and deep conversations, we send selfies from each other. We flirt through text, sharing funny/spicy videos, and we keep building sexual tension with each other.

I love what we have, and I always picture myself having a romantic relationship and sex with her.
But even with all our experiences, it's not possible for me to know if she wants the same without asking it directly. I have the feeling something needs to happen before asking directly. But I also see and know people like my girlfriend that always take action and get what they want, and I'm those kinds of people that always wait for things to happen.

My girlfriend knows about my crush on Jane from a long time, and she's been cool with that and all the things that happened between us so far. But in order to start writing also about negatives points, I will tell you my girlfriend didn't grow the same feelings and attraction for John as me for Jane.
She also has grown feelings and physical attraction, but in a lower level. She would want with him something casual and spontaneous. But nothing more than that, at least that's what she's been telling me.
Another negative point that confuse me is that Jane and John always describes themselves to everyone as a conventional married couple, and officially they don't agree with open relationships or polyamory but in my opinion those statements don't fit with all the experiences I wrote to you.

To conclude my post. I will tell you I would love to keep making plans and traveling with Jane and John like we've been doing so far. And also turn this relationship in something different like polyamory, swingers, friends with benefits, or whatever we think could work for all of us.

With all the information I gave you, what would you do, knowing what I want?

Should I tell Jane directly that I want our friend/Platonic relationship to turn in to something like a romantic/polyamory relationship?

Should I talk with my girlfriend and set up a date with them to tell them, knowing that my girlfriend and I want different things from each of our friends?
Should I ask or try something that allows me to know where she stands first? (I would love to know what)
Or should I try to be patient and keep having experiences with her/them, and maybe things will eventually happen naturally?


Thank you everyone in advance!

Love and regards!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello CuriousLearner85,

I think the first thing you must do, is consider how hard a long-distance relationship can be. You have to work very hard to keep the lines of communication and closeness open, and even then, it is not easy, and it may go up in smoke. So if you and Jane were to decide to start a sexual relationship, you would both be taking a risk. If you do proposition her, talk to her about that risk as part of the conversation.

Next, you must confess to your girlfriend about how you feel about Jane, and ask your girlfriend if she would be okay with you pursuing something with Jane. Then, you must confess your feelings to Jane, and see how she responds to that. If she seems to respond positively, then ask her how she feels about you. If she has those feelings for you too, then ask her how she feels about starting a sexual relationship.

In all of these steps, be prepared to step back and just be her platonic friend, if she seems to be in any way uncomfortable with your advances. Apologize for making her feel uncomfortable, and promise to be a good platonic friend who will not proposition her in the future. In love, sometimes our feelings are not reciprocated. You just have to take that chance. Hopefully others will be along soon, with their advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

fuchka

Active member
My first piece of advice would be to see if you can utterly separate the development of any relationship with Jane from the development of a relationship between John and your girlfriend. How your girlfriend feels about John will impact the practical issues in terms of couples hanging out etc, but it would make things much easier in a different way if the two aspects were as independent as possible.

If you were to date Jane, wouldn't it be easier if you could make plans without John and your girlfriend necessarily being involved? The opposite may seem superficially more convenient but it's definitely not more simple.

What you're describing is sometimes called a "quad" - it's definitely a structure that works for some but from what you've described, it's already showing its limitations as a potential dynamic in this case.

Apart from this advice, I'd say you should consider exactly what you want and what you would be proposing esp with the long distance factor. I fully agree with Kevin re the long distance stuff needing some reflection on your part.

I wouldn't say you "must" tell Jane or tell your girlfriend anything so in that aspect I disagree with Kevin's advice. Or at least would dial it back a bit.

I reckon, given what you've said, you actually would be better off continuing to enjoy the tension for what it is and perhaps if you really can't handle it, suggest something specific to Jane. (If within the bounds of your agreements with your girlfriend). In a way, with the friendship long-distance now, you have less to lose.

But flirting is an interesting thing. Some people are really into it for the tension. They don't really want to follow through, and a proposition can sometimes kill the flirting. So you do risk that.

But yeah, my main advice would be to give up the quad structure.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
But yeah, my main advice would be to give up the quad structure.

Very much seconding this specific part - I've tried the quad thing. Twice. While the synergy can be amazing - I mean, you know that, from your description of the two years where you were local to each other - it's SO much more complicated a system that way, even if one of the couples has a more casual connection than the other. Or maybe *especially* if one of the couples has a more casual connection.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I concur with the above. If I were in your shoes, I'd say something to Jane. You could try and couch it in words that express absolutely no pressure to go further if she is not comfortable with it.

I am thinking of the relationship escalator. There are many floors on the relationship escalator. You don't need to ride all the way to the top (marriage/kids/house) in polyamory. In this case, since you're technically not an official couple, although you are basically dating, you could remain at the dating/dancing/hugging/flirting stage forever, if that is all she wants. Just be completely respectful of her agency if/when you do say something.

Maybe use that sandwich format, where you start and end it with something positive, how much you like where you currently stand, how much her friendship means to you. In the middle, add in the part about how you'd like to take things further, but only if she is perfectly comfortable, how you're fine with the current situationship, etc.
 
Last edited:

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Another negative point that confuse me is that Jane and John always describes themselves to everyone as a conventional married couple, and officially they don't agree with open relationships or polyamory but in my opinion those statements don't fit with all the experiences I wrote to you.

Should I tell Jane directly that I want our friend/Platonic relationship to turn in to something like a romantic/polyamory relationship?

Could let it be the other person's want in the center, not your want in the center.

Like...

"I know you and John are a conventional monogamous married couple. Totally respectful of that and I like our friendship just how it is. But you know what? I want to pay you a compliment. If you ever change your agreements, I'd be interested in dating you. I think you are really great. I hope you take it as a compliment like intended and not like weird."

Then she can either be like "Thanks for the compliment, but no."

Or she can think on it and say "Let's try"

Or she can just wave it away and let it be part of the flirt/tension thing.

Otherwise do nothing and enjoy what it is.

But just focus on the connection with Jane, so long as you putting it out there doesn't go against your agreements with your partner.

Don't suggest a quad. If a quad naturally evolves? It's because the people want it do.

And if your partner isn't THAT invested in John or it would be casual at best? How about NOT trying to pursue anything with John at all in deference to the fact that you want to pursue Jane? Go do casual elsewhere with a different person. Could talk that out with your partner.

Because an "N" structure (2 v's) is way easier than a quad structure. (4 v's).

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hi again!
I thought I've already replied last week, but for some reason the post didn't upload.

Thank you for all the replies!

First, I just want to add is that I communicate with my girlfriend about my feelings and my crush on Jane regularly. My girlfriend has more experience than me in long term romantic relationships, and she's a great support. But this is our first time with a common friend involve, and although she is a great support, we are a bit lost.

I think the first thing you must do, is consider how hard a long-distance relationship can be. You have to work very hard to keep the lines of communication and closeness open, and even then, it is not easy, and it may go up in smoke. So if you and Jane were to decide to start a sexual relationship, you would both be taking a risk. If you do proposition her, talk to her about that risk as part of the conversation.

I agree, long distance is an important thing to talk about before starting anything. I think, for me, it wouldn't be a problem because during the 16 years with my girlfriend, we've been apart from each other, living in different countries, and we always make it work. However, with Jane it would be something new, so we will have to consider it first.

What you're describing is sometimes called a "quad" - it's definitely a structure that works for some but from what you've described, it's already showing its limitations as a potential dynamic in this case.
Very much seconding this specific part - I've tried the quad thing. Twice. While the synergy can be amazing - I mean, you know that, from your description of the two years where you were local to each other - it's SO much more complicated a system that way, even if one of the couples has a more casual connection than the other. Or maybe *especially* if one of the couples has a more casual connection.
Don't suggest a quad. If a quad naturally evolves? It's because the people want it do.

About the quad structure, I'll treat the two relationships separately. It makes no sense to pursue my relationship with Jane, keeping one eye on the other relationship at the same time. The four of us are gonna still hanging out and making plans, and if something finally happens, it is because it has come about naturally, and we all wanted.

"I know you and John are a conventional monogamous married couple. Totally respectful of that and I like our friendship just how it is. But you know what? I want to pay you a compliment. If you ever change your agreements, I'd be interested in dating you. I think you are really great. I hope you take it as a compliment like intended and not like weird."

Would love to try something like that, and of course I'll never give her pressure or insist if I'd get a negative answer. But it always came to my mind that one day talking to Jane, John, and two more friends, about open relationships, they say they couldn't do it, that would be too difficult for them. That and the fact Jane and John officially have a conventional marriage is the main reason I didn't ask Jane anything yet.
Without those facts and thinking in all we did, lived and shared together, I would have no doubts, and I would ask her directly.


I look forward to making progress and keep learning.

Thank you again for all your comments!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi CuriousLearner85,

It sounds like you can handle LDR's just fine; now to find out whether Jane also can handle an LDR. You will need to talk to Jane eventually, but first things first: Find out whether your girlfriend would be okay with you having a relationship with Jane. It sounds like your girlfriend already knows about your feelings towards Jane, so that step is completed.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
But it always came to my mind that one day talking to Jane, John, and two more friends, about open relationships, they say they couldn't do it, that would be too difficult for them.
"open relationship" is different than polyamory though - there may be room for a relationship with someone who's already a trusted, intimate friend rather than just ::waves hands:: dating around.
 
Top