When you are the "hinge" that is one set of skills. You are the "shared sweetie" and you know how you behave and act. You also know YOU can do something about it if either of your partners behaves poorly or like a nutjob.
That's different than when you are the "meta." You have to trust that the hinge (in this case your husband) will behave and act in trustworthy ways. And this may be a whole new side of him and you might not be sure if he handles being a hinge well or not. That is one stress load.
You also have unresolved feelings with husband. Because you both cheated on the closed marriage agreements before trying poly. And you maybe didn't do enough repair work there to heal that before stating to poly date. That's another stress load.
Then there was this naive rule...
He made the rule that we would participate in enm, no love, no strong emotional attachment, which I agreed to, only to learn they're telling each other "I love you" which...totally was against HIS rule.
So why did you naively agree to that rule? Rather than say "No thanks, I don't want to do that" when he suggested it?
Maybe he was afraid like you are. Not knowing how you'd be as a hinge. Then over time he broke this "rule" and told his GF he loves her. If you are practicing polyamory, isn't many loves ok? What's so horrible? Maybe seeing this makes him chill out on the flip side of the coin so this rule of his is not even needed any more. He doesn't have to worry about you telling your other partners that you love them.
And you have learned that NO. You don't just have to go with whatever he says.
Or you have learned to exercise your own boundaries with him. "Look, we made an agreement. You are breaking it. So I'm not keeping it any more either." Without rancor, without grudges, just... let it go because it wasn't a good agreement.
Bright side -- you ARE trying to work out the wrinkles. Be ok with being in transition time. The old normal is gone. The new normal isn't quite here yet. The space in between is gonna feel weird and maybe a little turbulent. Weather it out.
And my H has broke agreements since becoming poly, which I have chalked up to growing pains, and have faith as our communication grows, we will raise ourselves up to a better place.
I think this attitude will serve you better moving forward. That's not gonna be instantaneous. It takes some time to "arrive."
If you are all newbies together, or newbies to poly entirely? Just EXPECT some learning mistakes. Nobody is perfect right out of the gate. Be ok making them, having growing pains, improving skills and communication, etc. That's better than holding grudges and having unrealistic expectations of selves and each other.
Stop having "rules" that one person makes for all. Make "agreement suggestions" and talk it out. Review the agreements to see if they are even realistic, rational, and keepable before agreeing to hold them up for a time. If after "trying them out" for a while you change your mind? You can do that.
You just tell the other people. "This agreement X? Sounded good in theory but not working for me in practice. I don't want to cheat on agreements so I'm making you aware that I will not be holding it up any more. I want to renegotiate something else that is more keepable."
so it made me uncomfortable for her to keep trying to push my h and my boundaries in that area.
Well... could examine that. You might not be the only one in this polyship struggling with stuff. Is it that she's struggling with NRE? Was she included in the schedule conversation? Or are you and husband decided it and she just has to lump it?
Could this schedule agreement be revisited? Like once a quarter?
If she knows it will be updated on X date, then maybe she can live with it for now and stop asking for it to change because she knows she will be part of the conversation for the next quarter's schedule.
While you don't have to have compersion, you could have "basic polite."
If he has two partners, then you both have to learn to share his time and attention. You aren't each other's enemies or like two dogs fighting over a bone, right?
I mean, it'd be the same the other way. When you have a husband and a lover, they have to learn to share your time and attention too. Or if this GF of his has another partner... then husband would have to learn to share her time and attention too.
Galagirl