Emotional wreck

[ConfusedCat]

It’s been 7 years of us trying to be a quad. We worked as a throuple pretty well, still had issues but we were able to work through them.
I have been told by my friends that my live out partner gas lights myself and my nesting partner. His gf lives a few hours away by plain so every time they meet up I feel like I’m starting from scratch again.
If he and I didn’t share a child I’d hve walked a long time ago. But I feel trapped in my life, I put everyone else before myself and yet I’m told that I’m the one who sets boundaries, rules, dictates.
I just feel tired. I’ve had severe illness in the past few years and he got with his current partner 5 days after I left the hospital practically bed bound, having 25 seizures a day and incontinent. My life was a mess and he didn’t have the decency to hold off until we knew what was going on with my health.

I feel like I should be moving past this hurt now. I’m holding on to the past.
But how do I do that? Counselling hasn’t helped, family therapy hasn’t helped. I have poor mental health anyways and I’ve began all my distructive behaviours again, I just don’t know what to do.

If I walk away nobody will be happy. He’ll have to see his son less which I feel awful about and he’s told me straight it’ll F up his relationship with him. If I stay then I’m miserable because of our history and because I can’t stand his gf.
Meanwhile my husband has to watch me hurting and I feel terrible about taking my pain to him. But he said he’d rather know everything I’m thinking and feeling than not know.

I can’t speak to my family/friends because “poly isn’t the done thing” and I can’t speak to the poly community either because everyone else seems to have a better grasp on how to make it work than I do so I feel judged.
I never had an issue with him having a nesting partner, I just had issue with how they went about it. She blocked me on DM’s for 2 years and so I’ve not been able to get to know this woman. My kids don’t know her and yet he wants her at all our family celebrations.
There’s just no understanding from him it feels like and I’m ready to leave life tbf.
Probably sounds incredibly selfish and I wouldn’t because I have kids. But I feel so trapped. Whatever I do someone won’t be happy. At least if I keep things as they are, the only unhappy person is me. I don’t want my child to ever blame me for ruining his relationship with his father and as things stand they do see a lot of each other. I know that just wouldn’t be the case if we weren’t together.

 

[Evie]

That sounds like a real hard situation to be in. If you are in crisis/feeling suicidal, please call a local helpline.

The positive thing is that your husband sounds very supportive of you.

I'm not sure I'm understanding what you mean by quad, I'm not sure you're using it how we normally would around here.

I get the impression you're in a zigzag configuration with hubby > you > boyfriend > metamour. Is this right? And you live with your husband but not your boyfriend. However your boyfriend is the father of your son. You wrote "kids" so I'm also guessing you have at least one other child with your husband?

What is your husband's relationship with your boyfriend?

And you don't currently have anything to do with your meta; because of history, because of distance, because neither of you have an interest in being friends, and yet despite these things your boyfriend wants her to come to family stuff? Is this what you have said no to that he is saying is making rules?

I'm not quite sure why you need to maintain a romantic (and I use that term very loosely by what you have written) relationship with your boyfriend. He has his own place, so what's stopping you from transitioning to a co-parenting situation rather than trying to "make it work" between you and him as a couple? I must be missing a piece of the puzzle since I can't see why you no longer being a couple would significantly change things for your son - you could schedule just as much time for them as they have now since he is a live out partner. Or does your boyfriend have 24/7 access to your house? What precisely is he claiming would ruin their father/son relationship? Kinda sounds like he's saying he'll be an absentee dad unless he can continue to have access to you(r body and mind - your heart seems to have let him go a while ago but he won't let you go, right?). Is this really the role model you want for your son? It sounds like he's dosing you with a heap of things in the power and control wheel.

You wrote:

At least if I keep things as they are, the only unhappy person is me.

and

Meanwhile my husband has to watch me hurting and I feel terrible about taking my pain to him. But he said he’d rather know everything I’m thinking and feeling than not know.

Do you see how these statements are at odds...because I suspect your husband isn't happy watching you hurting. Would your husband support you ending your relationship with your boyfriend, and if not, why not?

Rather than a counsellor, I'd suggest getting a lawyer for advice about what shared custody could look like. Then you don't have to be a couple with this man anymore. You sound like you feel pretty powerless right now, but you can take back your power, starting with building knowledge about your options for being able to have a relationship based on raising your son - if his involvement actually the healthiest thing for your son - not still being a couple with his father. And if it's actually that it's better for your son to see less of his father, then so be it.

I hope you can get your power back sooner rather than later.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. Please do call a hotline if you feel suicidal.

I really don't have much to add to what Evie said.

Other than it is ok to decide to "make it work for just you" and no longer try to "make it work for everyone. " It is ok to accept this has become like banging head on the wall, and it is ok to stop. And it is time to walk away.

If he and I didn’t share a child I’d hve walked a long time ago. But I feel trapped in my life, I put everyone else before myself and yet I’m told that I’m the one who sets boundaries, rules, dictates.

I think it is ok to give yourself permission to stop putting other people's wants first and start putting your own health and well being first.

I think it is ok to give yourself permission to let this relationship with this guy go. If you would have ended this if you didn't have a child together? It's ok to end it because you DO have a child together, and want to teach the child to walk away from harmful things.

I think it is ok for you to have boundaries and rules for what you will and will not put up with in your relationships. And I think it's is ok to END relationships that won't respect you or your personal boundaries. That's what you having personal boundaries is for -- you create them to help keep you safe from shenanigans and help you know when to walk away.

If this BF takes it like you "dictating" because he wants to live like a free agent and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants -- including running right over you? Oh, well. He takes it like you "dictating" then.

Could reduce your association with him to being co-parents IF his being father is ok, and it's just him being your BF that stinks.

If it's actually better for the child not to have much contact with him because his being a father is not so good and could be damaging for the child? You may need to pursue full custody. You sort that out with a lawyer.

I feel like I should be moving past this hurt now. I’m holding on to the past.

If your present situation is sucking you dry? Then you cannot "just get over it" nor "get over the past." Because your present situation is sucking you dry.

What is needed is to change the situation.

Sometimes one must physically leave before mental health, emotional health, and spiritual health can follow and have a chance to really heal.

I don’t want my child to ever blame me for ruining his relationship with his father and as things stand they do see a lot of each other. I know that just wouldn’t be the case if we weren’t together.

The quality of the relationship between (father and son) is between (father and son.)

You walking away from a damaging romantic relationship? Maybe that's ok lesson for your son to learn later on. To not treat people poorly. If son gets treated poorly in his adult relationships? That it is ok for him to walk away.

You will have time after son grows up to explain what happened with his bio dad. Son isn't going to blame you for ruining his relationship with his father just because you ended your romantic relationship with his father.

Galagirl

 

[ConfusedCat]

Thank you both.
I’m a wreck today. I’ve not been able to be anywhere near him the past 2 days, I just feel so sick and it’s just all such a bloody mess.
I will read your comments to my husband, who is incredibly supportive. I don’t deserve him.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ConfusedCat,

You sound like you are really stuck between a rock and a hard place, your description of your situation made me shudder, I am so sorry you are going through these difficult things right now. Honestly, I have no idea how you can get out of this trap, I just feel really, really bad for you. You are doing the best that anyone could under the circumstances. I just want to take your pain away.

I just want you to know that you deserve a better life, you have done nothing wrong and your live out partner is treating you incredibly unfairly. He should not be getting a nesting partner who blocks you on DM's for two years, and he certainly should not be bringing her to all of your family celebrations. Tell him that he needs to stop doing that. Also tell him that he needs to stop gaslighting you.

I just hope things get better for you somehow.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I’m a wreck today. I’ve not been able to be anywhere near him the past 2 days, I just feel so sick and it’s just all such a bloody mess.
I will read your comments to my husband, who is incredibly supportive. I don’t deserve him.

You deserve to be treated well by the people you choose to include in your life. I'm glad husband is one such person for you.

It's ok to be a wreck right now. Esp. if you've been struggling to hold things in a lot and finally have some space to let some of it out.

It's ok not to see the BF right now. In fact? Maybe it's ok to take a time out and not see him for a week, a month or more even. So once you get past this initial "aaaaahhh!" part? You can see how calm life is without you dealing with him so much all the time.

Maybe you discover you like that a lot. And can make a final decision.


Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Poly terms:
- A triad (sometimes called a throuple in media to sound cute) is a configuration where all 3 people are involved with each other emotionally/romantically/sexually. This form rarely works out long term as there are just too many moving parts.
- A V is a form of relationship in polyamory where one person is involved with 2 people, where those 2 people are not directly emotionally/romantically/sexually involved with each other. They may be friends, they may not.
- A quad is a structure where 4 people are all sexually/emotionally/romantically involved with each other. If there are different genders, all of the people must be bisexual or pansexual. This form rarely works out long term as there are just too many moving parts.
- A zigzag or N shape is 2 Vs. The 2 hinges have 2 partners (like you do; like your nasty bf does) and the end partners are not seeing anyone else (like your husband and your bf's gf).
Metamour: the partner of your partner, with whom you may or may not be friends. (Your bf and hubs are each other's metamours. You and bf's gf are metamours.)

That out of the way-- I am not sure what you've been told by your counselor and other poly people, or why it didn't help, but all of this hinges on your self-esteem and ability to set boundaries for yourself, to realize you deserve a happy life, and to understand you are not responsible for your bf's relationship with his son. If your bf is nasty to you, you deserve better. You DO deserve your good husband's good treatment! You do NOT deserve to be treated badly, by anyone. Point blank period.

You're at your wit's end and rather than dump bf, you'd rather kill yourself? This would help your kid how?

Where did you learn that you do not deserve to be treated well?

 

[icesong]

A quad is a structure where 4 people are all sexually/emotionally/romantically involved with each other. If there are different genders, all of the people must be bisexual or pansexual. This form rarely works out long term as there are just too many moving parts.

Eh, I think it’s still a quad even if all members are straight. If couple A and B are male and female respectively, and same for C and D, and they form a situation where BC date and AD date, that’s a quad, even if AC and BD are platonic. Especially if the group spends enough time together that a whole-group dynamic arises.

OTOH, I 1000x agree with the “rarely work out long term” part, both from my own life experience and what I’ve seen here and in other poly boards.

 

[Magdlyn]

Eh, I think it’s still a quad even if all members are straight. If couple A and B are male and female respectively, and same for C and D, and they form a situation where BC date and AD date, that’s a quad, even if AC and BD are platonic. Especially if the group spends enough time together that a whole-group dynamic arises.

OTOH, I 1000x agree with the “rarely work out long term” part, both from my own life experience and what I’ve seen here and in other poly boards.

Oh yeah, that's true. I stand corrected. "Wife-swapping" situation type deals are quads, if they are more than just quick casual hookups.