I'm sorry you struggle.
Sharing in these experiences is poly, I know, and is something I need to better lean into, because I want to support J in all his ups and downs.
To what degree, though? There's nothing wrong with a separate, poly V, and not sharing quite THIS much.
You could ask J to
become a better hinge and not overshare or require you to be his external validation source. Doesn't he know he's a good person on his own? Why do you have to reassure him so much and prop him up?
But it is more complicated than this. Thier unhealthy dynamic is definitely sepearte from the family in most ways. Jack is trying their best to keep their dynamic to themselves, and our discussions about them are far and few between.
Good. How about even LESS?
You could encourage Jack to see a counselor. It is not your job to be the free therapist.
For your health and wellbeing, as well as to coordinate kid care, all you need to know about (Jack + Nic) is that Jack uses safer sex practices, and the calendar, so his dates and your dates are reasonable and not like one parent is just dumping kid care on the other one from the sky.
Jack could try:
Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org
to seek a poly counselor.
But as an empath, I can't help but feel the difference.
And is "different" something you find "bad?" What is wrong with you doing "different" behaviors?
You can feel things as an empath and choose not to lift a finger. You can feel Jack's stuff and leave it as JACK'S stuff. You do not have to adopt it for your own self. You do not have to help him fix it in order to alleviate your own anxiety from "the back door." Is something like that happening here?
You don't have to help Jack fix his relationship with Nic. Having good personal boundaries with your spouse doesn't make you a "bad partner."
It's not your job to be everything for everybody. It's ok to take care of you FIRST, the children second, and contribute to Jack's wellbeing in APPROPRIATE ways third.
He is also feeling the difference in me, because I am distancing myself from Jack when he is experiencing distress that I know is not caused by me.
That sounds like the natural consequences. Jack takes up with Nic, who turns out to be rocky or incompatible. Jack continues to participate in this an on/off relationship with Nic, rather than just leaving it broken up once and for all, and not deal in rocky stuff any more. That is his choice.
Some new rocky event happens with Nic. Jack feels distressed about it.
You have become tired of hearing about it all.
If Jack has gotten in the habit of oversharing and emotional dumping on you, you don't have to participate in that any more. There is reasonable support and then there's
enabling poor behaviors. You now choose to distance yourself from it and let it all be his responsibility to deal with. Which it is.
It's been like "pass the buck" whooshies. Jack gets upset about whatever (Jack + Nic) weirdness. His usual coping behavior is to dump all his feelings on you, so he feels better. And you wind up feeling ugh.
Now when he comes looking to use you as an emotional dumpster or emotional sponge, you can decline. Say you're not up for that anymore, like you used to be. He then feels disappointed or upset or whatever about THAT event with you. So now he has to cope with his feelings about the Nic event and his feelings about the event with you.
Well... so what? Isn't Jack responsible for managing his own emotions appropriately?
And if he doesn't like how he feels, he could change his behaviors so he has a chance to experience new feelings. If he's doing "same old song, different day," and he doesn't like it, it's his job to make new behavior choices.
He could do something different with Nic. He could leave you be. He could see a counselor.
You are changing the behaviors YOU can change. You are distancing. That's totally fair.
Do you struggle with letting people experience their feelings, even the yucky ones, without feeling responsible for them?
These are feelings and energy we are talking about here, and just like most bring home bad energy from days from work/school etc., I can't expect Jack to check all his feelings at the door, put them in a box, and then come in neat and tidy. That's unrealistic and unfair.
He doesn't have to turn into an unfeeling robot, but he does have to manage his feelings appropriately and not be sloppy with you. Is he overloading the children with his Nic problems? No? Then he CAN exercise some self control.
So why do you as his spouse have to be the emotional dumpster? Why is he oversharing details as a hinge?
You can set strong personal boundaries. You can set them around your time, emotions, energy, belongings, etc. It's reasonable to want your time with Jack to be (you + Jack) stuff, and not like you sitting around listening to the (Jack + Nic) show. Again, you are NOT the free therapist.
What
behaviors is Jack doing when he gets home? It's ok for him to say he had a hard day. But is he slamming doors, sighing big sighs, hoping you will come "fishing" and "pull it out of him?" Something else?
I just don't want to be blamed when it ends. I don't want to feel in the middle, when in fact they are not trying to put me there.
These sound like YOUR worries, fears and feelings. Are you good at self-soothing and managing your own emotions appropriately?
If Jack blames you if Nic dumps him or he dumps Nic, you can say, "No, thanks. I distanced myself. I was not involved in (Jack + Nic) stuff. I see you are sad from the break up. But don't hang your stuff on ME."
They aren't trying to put you in the middle. So why do you feel like you are?
It just feels that way because I can't always shield myself (or hold up a wall between my emotions and others emotions) at home where i am supposed to have space to let my guard down. How do you do this in a small space when Jack's emotional broadcasting bubble is around 14 feet?
Home is supposed to be safe space for the people that live there. If he's "radiating out 14 ft" when he's fighting with Nic, ask him to sleep on the couch. You don't have to sleep in the same bed with him.
And if he's HOGGING all the emotional space in the home, ask him to seek a counselor and learn to manage HIS feelings more reasonably.
I don't know if couple counseling would help you two. I could be wrong, but you two sound all up in each other's feelings. Changing to something healthier is not
abandonment, it's just trying to build a healthier dynamic between you.
Do you actually need more shielding, or more grounding and centering, so you can better respect or ignore Jack's stuff and leave it as HIS STUFF to manage?
Not everything in a relationship is "our shared stuff." Some stuff is yours and only your responsibility. Some is Jack's and only Jack's responsibility. And some stuff, like the kid care, is "our shared stuff" that BOTH of you are responsible for. Are you able to tell the difference?
Galagirl